I don’t know how to describe what he’s doing

[Tyrantula]

Other than being an annoying twat, which doesn’t get us very far.

We’ve been married for 10 years. It’s been this way for the entire time probably but I guess previously I just picked up the slack and got on with it.

1. He breaks everything. We don’t have nice things because he will break them - crockery, glasses, ornaments, furniture - all accidental and never replaced.

1. If ever there’s something to be done, which there always is, e.g. fix the toilet seat (after he’s broken it), clear the drain (after he’s blocked it), I’ll have to ask him to do it. He’ll then ask for instructions on how to do it, regardless of how many times he’s done it before. It’s probably in the hope I’ll say ‘oh I’ll just do it myself’. He’ll then huff and puff his way through it.

1. Cleaning - he works from home so will leave a mess every day which he’ll ‘cover’ once I’ve come from work. By that I mean he’ll sweep up and wash up, he won’t put things away and clean surfaces, he’ll save that to do as ‘one big job’. So he’ll wait until there are lots of small jobs to be done which then creates one big job as he ‘prefers to tackle the big jobs’. He’ll then start the big job, get distracted and not finish it. So there is a constant mess.

1. We’re in the process of selling our house and so it needs cleaning and de-cluttering. I’ve had to pull him through all of this, asking for him to do each job, making him to do lists, checking on his progress, explaining how best to get things done.

We had a surprise viewing booked in for Monday so on Sunday, we agreed I’d do upstairs and he’d do down - a complete deep clean and de-clutter. I got through 4 rooms and it took hours. Once finished I went downstairs expecting him to be nearly finished, he’d sorted through 2 drawers. That’s it. So then obviously I had to start on downstairs too.

1. The washing - he still asks for instructions each time a wash needs putting on. A couple of weeks ago my DM was coming to stay so I wanted to put on the nice new white sheets. I put them in the wash and told him it was a white wash so to add anything white he had and put it on (I leave for work too early to put it on myself). I come back to find he’d put a pair of jeans in so of course the sheets were ruined.

I tell him to wash his gym kit separately otherwise it makes everything else smell. I put all of the towels in the wash and he put his gym kit in with it.

I had a work trip abroad so finally treated myself to some summery work attire, creams/whites/beiges. I got back and put everything in the wash ready for my trip next week. He put a red tea towel in with it. When I noticed, I was gutted and he replied with ‘I’ll get you some new dresses’.

Between each of those washing incidents I’d reminded him what not to put in and what to wash separately so it’s not like he forgot.

I don’t know how to describe what he is, it’s not malice, it’s not intentional but it’s fucking annoying.

He’s a good dad, he cooks regularly, is respectful and puts my career and needs ahead of his so I know if I complained about this in RL I’d seem pathetic but I just keep thinking about how much more relaxed my day to day life would be if I lived on my own.

I don’t know if I’m a control freak or if he’s the problem, when I try to speak to him about it I can’t find the words to describe what he’s doing. If I say lazy, he can show he isn’t, if I say disrespectful, he can prove he’s not. We go around in circles.

How would you describe this behaviour?

Sorry - can I add - perhaps try writing him a list near the washing machine. ie only whites washed with whites, gym kit always washed separately. Sadly, my son and I had a very torrid first few years of life unfortunately - I couldn't get my head around how someone so bright could not think through basic things - but since he was diagnosed - I understand him better and realise he's not doing things deliberately or being lazy - his mind just does not work the same way as mine.
My son has eye contact etc - my friend who has a child with Aspergers did not realise my son had it. He was diagnosed after being bullied at school and seeing a therapist for this and she picked up on his way of seeing the world.

How very sad that so many people have defaulted to him being lazy and unloving.

This with bells on.

How very sad that so many people have defaulted to him being lazy and unloving.

Yep. Totally agree.

yeah I’m a useless piece of shit, I get it’ routine

A lot of adults with kids feel this way, because it actually isnt just clumsiness. All the other things are stuff you would commonly see with dyspraxia, and yet they combine to maks the individual feel incompetent.

Try proper eathernware over china, eg Denby is far harder to break and you can replace on a piece by piece basis. Lists for the other things, (although following a list may not be entirely successful). Make sure hes not responsible for sorting washing. If hes doing washing limit it to that basket in the wash etc

I'm another who thinks dyspraxia

I'm thinking Dyspraxia too.

I don't know why everytime there's a thread like this people assume the person has some kind of illness. Do you think he genuinely struggles op or do you think he thinks he can just rely on you so why bother?

The OP has already stated that he cooks a lot and puts her career ahead of his. To say that he finds household jobs should be done by her and that he is disrespectful to her is just flat out wrong.

@rollingonarivet

The guy is running around displaying not one but half a dozen clear signs of a learning disorder, that’s why.

Does he ever break any of his own stuff? Things which mean something to him? Does he ever break anything valuable belonging to him?

It's hard to guess whether this is something which needs a diagnosis or if he is just a complete dick.

But the red tea towel going into a white wash? That's bizarre.

Dyspraxic? You have just described my adult son, he is not lazy but he does have real difficulty with all the tasks you describe.

Thing is it’s not bizarre at all. He’d see the the tea towel and think “that’s old, it needs washing”, the fact it’ll turn everything red simply won’t register.

I could be wrong, but isn’t crockery joint stuff? If I went and smashed all the cups in the house, I can’t have a cup of tea either....

Does he ever break any of his own stuff? Things which mean something to him? Does he ever break anything valuable belonging to him?
I was wondering this too. How is he with his work? Is he similarly incompetent or more "together"?
Does he think he has a problem? I think they key for me would be his willingness (or otherwise) to seek help. If he is getting something out of the situation being the way it is, then you have a bigger problem. He can have a diagnosable condition and it makes no difference at all if he doesn't want to deal with it.

I also think dyspraxia tbh.

So then obviously I had to start on downstairs too
NO no no you didn't.
Make him do his half. If he's claiming he doesn't know how to do it then you can advise. From the sofa.

I can see that a recognition of Aspergers etc is coming out on this thread. Should you consider reading up on this?

The red tea towel though? I think this was done on purpose.

I was thinking Dyspraxia too. I have an adult friend who sounds very, very similar and he is dyslexic and dyspraxic. He and his DW have worked out a number of ways to enable him to function relatively normally in a domestic setting but it has taken time and effort to do this.

I am dyspraxic and I break things and have issues fixing things, sequencing, putting things together.

However, the putting of the red tea towel that nobody ever uses in a wash with your new work clothes sounds sinister to me.

Does he work? Does he have these same issues at work? If not, then you have your answer.

@rollingonarivet

I don't know why everytime there's a thread like this people assume the person has some kind of illness

Dyspraxia is not an illness. Neither is autism which has also been suggested.
dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/about-dyspraxia/
www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/asd.aspx

The reason dyspraxia is being suggested in this thread is because people are seeing traits displayed by OP's husband which are similar to their already diagnosed partners, family members or children.
Not just general clumsiness and not caring, but inability to process instructions unless they are delivered in a certain way etc.

He's probably been treated by other people as though he's thoughtless and stupid all his life, when in reality there's a very strong likelihood there's a reason for his behaviour which many people replying on this thread can see, as explained in the above links.

Op, Colour Run Remover. All supermarkets sell it and it works really well!!

I've got one like that too. Glass goes missing - I know I didn't break it, but it never turns up and he denies all knowledge. Later in the week I find a sliver of glass on the kitchen floor. Hmm.

He does some work in the garden. Statue in the garden mysteriously has its face bashed and the nose broken off - it has been turned around a bit and its face hidden with some trailing ivy. I didn't find it for several months because it is in an out-of-the-way place. Hmm.

My favourite mug disappears - look all over the house for it and find it handle-less and hidden at the bottom of the bin. Ask him later if he knows where it is - no he doesn't. Funny that. It didn't jump in there by itself, I know I didn't break it and dc away at college. Hmm.

Ornament gets damaged when he is hoovering - either he didn't do it, or it's my fault for leaving it there in the first place. And I should be grateful that he does housework and I should accept that there will be collateral damage.

It's not so much that he ruins things, it's just that they are usually mine, and he genuinely doesn't care about possessions and thinks I shouldn't either. He then gets annoyed if I call him out on it. What really upsets me isn't that he's been careless/clumsy, it's the lying about it and hiding things.

Read up on Dyspraxia and Attention Deficit Disorder (in adults).

He sounds a bit like my son, who has ADD. He is a lovely man, but has a great deal of difficulty with prioritising tasks and remembering the steps in, and rules for, each task. He needs to be reminded (and checked up on) to make sure things get done.

I gave up years ago trying to tell him how to do things, but I do check very regularly on his budget. I don’t care what he wears to work, for instance, as his employer is a friend also. But I do check how much money he has left every week, as now I’ve retired I couldn’t afford to bail him out if he ran up debts (which he has done repeatedly before).

He’s by no means stupid. He has a university degree (his tutor managed to organise him). And he hasn’t a trace of nastiness. Everyone who meets him loves him. He’s adorable, like a puppy!

There’s one thing that’s annoying, though. He has a favourite “thing”. Not saying what, don’t want to risk outing. Anything to do with this “thing”, he organises himself, with no help, and almost always correctly. It is slightly galling that he’s ok when he’s doing something he loves! I guess that’s when he manages to get all his effort together and devote it completely in one direction.

But he was diagnosed with ADD, and as soon as that happened and I read about it, it was a revelation. It all made sense.

My guess is that your DH has some disability like ADD plus maybe dyspraxia as well. If you have an understanding doctor, he might be diagnosed and offered medication (which works for a lot of people).

I’ve had a look on the NHS website at dyspraxia and a lot does match up but the symptoms they give are for children so it’s difficult to tell.

He’ll often struggle to see the bigger picture so will get bogged down in a small detail until it stresses him out then once I put things into perspective he sort of snaps out of it.

He’s very intelligent and has a great job. He also played tennis to a good level and is very good at sports in general. He has a lot of friends and enjoys socialising. Does this match up or cancel dyspraxia do you think?

The Christmas tea towel was out because of our de-clutter. It should have gone in the box marked Christmas but he put it in the wash.

I definitely don’t think there’s any intent behind what he does. He seems to get more frustrated with himself than I do but then often will mask it with this teenage strop type attitude which then drives me up the wall.

I genuinely don’t know if it is that he genuinely struggles or if he does think it’s just easier if I do everything so doesn’t make an effort. This is another reason for my frustration, if it is the latter then I would give up but how can I know?

He does break his own things, he loses stuff, has damaged his car through careless parking, etc. He also doesn’t replace things like batteries in his favourite watches or the screen on his phone when he drops it (regularly), again he’ll save it all up and do it as one bulk job but that only happens with me pushing it.

He seems to genuinely enjoy lists but at the same time gets frustrated with us having a mother-son style relationship like I’m giving him his chores and checking if he’s completed them.

I’ve just run out of steam with all of this. We’re looking at new, larger houses and all I can think is how stressful it’ll be to manage the move and keeping a shiny new home free of his damage/mess.

Could be dyspraxic.
Or maybe he's just malicious and sneaky.
Or all of the above.

Whatever it is - he doesn't care for you, he doesn't like you and you will probably never get off this hamster wheel, if you stay with him.

Enough already. I'd divorce him.

I think it’s called ‘learnt helplessness’, op.
I’m dyspraxic. It’s a pain. But I don’t just sit and expect others to do it for me/take over etc.

Sorry but he sounds lazy. How old is he! Sounds like he thinks the housework belongs to you so if he screws up enough times, you’ll just do it yourself because it’s easier. My dad is like this. My mum does everything. Wish she would have left him yearas ago - she would have been happy.

As the parent of a dyspraxic daughter. I am thinking dyspraxia too.