I don’t know how to describe what he’s doing

[Tyrantula]

Other than being an annoying twat, which doesn’t get us very far.

We’ve been married for 10 years. It’s been this way for the entire time probably but I guess previously I just picked up the slack and got on with it.

1. He breaks everything. We don’t have nice things because he will break them - crockery, glasses, ornaments, furniture - all accidental and never replaced.

1. If ever there’s something to be done, which there always is, e.g. fix the toilet seat (after he’s broken it), clear the drain (after he’s blocked it), I’ll have to ask him to do it. He’ll then ask for instructions on how to do it, regardless of how many times he’s done it before. It’s probably in the hope I’ll say ‘oh I’ll just do it myself’. He’ll then huff and puff his way through it.

1. Cleaning - he works from home so will leave a mess every day which he’ll ‘cover’ once I’ve come from work. By that I mean he’ll sweep up and wash up, he won’t put things away and clean surfaces, he’ll save that to do as ‘one big job’. So he’ll wait until there are lots of small jobs to be done which then creates one big job as he ‘prefers to tackle the big jobs’. He’ll then start the big job, get distracted and not finish it. So there is a constant mess.

1. We’re in the process of selling our house and so it needs cleaning and de-cluttering. I’ve had to pull him through all of this, asking for him to do each job, making him to do lists, checking on his progress, explaining how best to get things done.

We had a surprise viewing booked in for Monday so on Sunday, we agreed I’d do upstairs and he’d do down - a complete deep clean and de-clutter. I got through 4 rooms and it took hours. Once finished I went downstairs expecting him to be nearly finished, he’d sorted through 2 drawers. That’s it. So then obviously I had to start on downstairs too.

1. The washing - he still asks for instructions each time a wash needs putting on. A couple of weeks ago my DM was coming to stay so I wanted to put on the nice new white sheets. I put them in the wash and told him it was a white wash so to add anything white he had and put it on (I leave for work too early to put it on myself). I come back to find he’d put a pair of jeans in so of course the sheets were ruined.

I tell him to wash his gym kit separately otherwise it makes everything else smell. I put all of the towels in the wash and he put his gym kit in with it.

I had a work trip abroad so finally treated myself to some summery work attire, creams/whites/beiges. I got back and put everything in the wash ready for my trip next week. He put a red tea towel in with it. When I noticed, I was gutted and he replied with ‘I’ll get you some new dresses’.

Between each of those washing incidents I’d reminded him what not to put in and what to wash separately so it’s not like he forgot.

I don’t know how to describe what he is, it’s not malice, it’s not intentional but it’s fucking annoying.

He’s a good dad, he cooks regularly, is respectful and puts my career and needs ahead of his so I know if I complained about this in RL I’d seem pathetic but I just keep thinking about how much more relaxed my day to day life would be if I lived on my own.

I don’t know if I’m a control freak or if he’s the problem, when I try to speak to him about it I can’t find the words to describe what he’s doing. If I say lazy, he can show he isn’t, if I say disrespectful, he can prove he’s not. We go around in circles.

How would you describe this behaviour?

Some more highlights of behaviour from OP posts that to me point to PA (following my review of OP on Wed 18-Jul-18 17:15:36
– I totally agree that there is probably dyspraxia at play as well (I have 2 of my own) but it is the behaviour to the OP beyond the dyspraxic incident that I think is emotionally triggering the OP to then question is there is another layer to this. These are all OP posts – words in caps are where my concerns are raised.

“He gets DEFENSIVE LIKE A CHILD if his flaws are highlighted to him which is why I’d like to find a way to explain this to him that I haven’t tried before. Usually I do just list as I have above and he’ll clam up and do the whole ‘yeah I’m a useless piece of shit, I get it’ routine BUT THEN DO NOTHING ABOUT IT.

I’ve even tried to make light of it and have a questions jar - each time he asked me how to do something he had to put a pound in the jar. BROKE THE JAR DIDN’T HE.” (so where was this jar exactly? – was this really an accident or a “fuck you” protest?)

“……again he’ll save it all up and do it as one bulk job but that ONLY HAPPENS WITH ME PUSHING IT. “

“Fig that sounds like DH with tennis. Never broken HIS rackets, lost HIS balls , damaged HIs tennis gear and always manages to get HIMSELF there on time which he CANT for anything else. “

I’ll come home to something he’s done and instantly get annoyed then he’ll seem genuinely shocked by it and get defensive so I’ll then feel bad and even though it makes no sense to me I’ll see it could be accidental. (gaslighting?)

he was offended by the suggestion he might actually have it and should seek a diagnosis. He got defensive and brought up lists of other illnesses/learning difficulties to show how we both, and even the cat, could fit some of the symptoms listed. (gaslighting?)

I suggested a PP’s idea of seeing someone who would just help him improve his organisational skills and he wasn’t having that either. (this is telling me loads – he doesn’t want this “sorted”)

“IF I LEFT HIM TO IT he’d often come home with a repeat of the previous shop, despite us still having those things leftover.”

Seems he has underlying issues that he has found a workaround with his employer and can manage for is hobby – but is seems VERY resistant to adapt for your basic needs. Doesn’t seem to prioritise or hear you.

another 20 spot on.

OP I really hope for the sake of your anxiety levels and emotional health, if you ever do feel it's all too much, then you just leave this gaslighting man and bring his passive aggressive game playing to an abrupt and absolute halt.

He will use those lists of his to pester you even more by ringing or messaging you about every little detail on them frequently. Even if just 'look, I've done this now' it's all to keep you reeled into the game so your mind and focus is forever on him, and the game.

I also agree with recent pp about the Xmas towel, 1 thing in a whole list of unacceptable things he's done. He actively had to seek out that towel to put in with your clothes and ruin them.

I can't recall now if you've DCs but as they grow, their house being a shithole due to dad's mess so they can't live comfortably or have mates round, will impact on them too and cause resentment.

The best scenario is that he accepts what he's been doing is wrong, from that point of acceptance agree, with professional help, to move towards actively changing.

Your anxiety levels must be through the roof. I don't know if you'll ever leave but I bet you'll cry with sheer relief after a while, if you do. 💐

Good luck whatever you decide.

Please don't feel you have to stay with him just because you cannot exactly put a label on his behaviour or put a name to a condition that he may or may not have. There is probably an element of his not being able to help this because of the way you describe his employer making allowances for him. He is clearly able to do the job albeit his way now as a result of this. I don't think it's too much of a stretch to say that domestic life is much harder to 'do' than work though, especially if his work role is formulaic. Home life is a constantly moving and changing thing and I suspect that he will never be able to manage to meet it head on.

You have to look after yourself OP. Please don't feel like you have to put up with this because you do not. Most posters would be driven round the bend by this sort of stuff. If he was prepared to do something about it, great but he is saying, 'This is how I am. Bite me' while you carry on filling in the gaps. You can leave just because you are not happy in the marriage. You don't owe another living soul and explanation including him.

@another20 has nailed it.

Some things that jumped out at me:

1. He intentionally ruined your new work clothes with the red tea towel. If that was an accident, why the bloody eye roll? Any decent person would be mortified and apologetic if they had made such a mistake.

1. He sorted 2 drawers ONLY while you tackled the cleaning and decluttering upstairs. What was he doing the rest of the time? He wasn't in "work mode therefore only able to focus on one thing at a time" if it was a Sunday. So what was his excuse for that?

1. Why doesn't he replace things he breaks? Because he doesn't care if things break and you end up wasting your time replacing them.

1. He seems very good at explaining away your objections and abdicating any responsibility for his actions. He also won't get any help. Why should he when you will deal with the mess he creates? He's manipulative in the extreme.

He may well have some undiagnosed condition. But that doesn't mean he's not being a completely passive aggressive shit. The 2 can co-exist.

He's manipulative OP. He won't do anything to make your life easier. He likes watching you sweat and wasting your time. And making your life harder. He's very very clever.

I couldn't be bothered with this TBH.

Op look closely at the incident where he ruined your new work clothes with the red tea towel. That is most telling I think. It was not accidental. That was an act of sabotage. He is jealous of you deep down. And wants you to fail.

He was waiting for your reaction. Hence the eyeroll and passive aggressive comment "I'll buy you some new dresses". If that had been an accident he would have been apologetic. He wasn't. He was being sarcastic and flippant.

OP, if you had accidentally ruined his new clothes for an important work trip, what would you have done ?

Apologised profusely ?

Gone out and bought replacements ?

Scoured the internet to find the correct sizes and styles and paid extra for express delivery?

Or roll your eyes and accused him of over reacting?

Or in fact what Doingreat said right before me

My ex H sounds just like your H

I did everything - all he did was iron ( ex military so I didn't do it right) and I thought we seemed to have a lot of ironing as he was ALWAYS ironing.

Apart from that I did everything. DIY, driving ( I tried to teach him, bought him lessons etc but he just couldn't / wouldn't get it, when we divorced he then took lessons but can only drive/ cope with an automatic) childcare, cooking ( this was because I came home to him cooking beef burgers in the deep fat fryer for the DC). I had to drive myself to and from the hospital to give birth....

I remember leaving him at home when I went to work. The ceiling in the dining room needed one last coat of white emulsion as I had run out. He pootled off to get some and painted the ceiling.
Only he bought magnolia - he knew it was wrong when he started.... but continued anyway...

This on top of failing to pick the kids up/watching telly whilst they wandered round the neighborhood ( toddlers) meant I realized he was a liability and my marriage was over. On my own the DC and I were safer.

Now married to a DIY drivingwhizz but this one breaks stuff. And is ALWAYS banging his head! I suspect he has ADD as his school reports indicate he was a bit difficult and he isn't very good at being still/ concentrating. But I am used to him and I have stopped feeling guilty when all I want to d is stit about on my fat arse....

I'd be so angry with his incompetent behaviour that I think I'd have to throw something random and unused into the next white-wash (that, of course, only has his whites in it!).

I know it won't solve anything, but I'd want him to know how it feels. It doesn't seem like he gets it. Can you start accidently breaking his things and not replacing them?

If that's too much hassle - GET RID!!

I couldn't live with this man child. Dump his lazy arse.