Dating Thread 137 – Sausage Party at the SUC

[Kinunir]

Dating Thread 137 – Sausage Party at the SUC

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Have been reading along for the last few threads...

Essentially I ended my marriage back in April although I had been planning to leave for a long time and have decided to look at OLD.

I have joined a paid for site for people with similar interests to me and the chatting is going well. Looking likely that I will meet up with some soon - I am only looking for friendship and maybe some fun.

I am wondering if I am too picky though - it really annoys me when punctuation and grammar are not right. I send messages on the site and via WhatsApp like I would send an email but not many people appear to.
As I am not wanting a life partner does it really matter???

God its a minefield and I don't even want a proper relationship....

Welcome cold and sorting - cold, feel free to ask away about anything! sorting we all have things that are important to us, if what someone is writing is interesting to me I will forgive their writing style.
love I'm sorry about MrCampervan not being supportive, I think I'd definitely be looking for more from someone too

Love I think mr camper has been pulling away slowly. If he's been in contact daily and now no message I think it's time you either asked him out straight or else just let go

Thanks for the welcome everyone. I'll post what I posted on my other thread, so you can coach me ;)

Sorting I'm the same - if a man can't spell or has bad grammar, instant delete. But try not to think of messaging like writing an email, think of it more like chatty banter- so short messages, which you can then hopefully engage in some back and forth chat. Good luck

Right, can I bore you with my two OLD prospects for some coaching?

I'm currently getting over a deeply heartbreaking relationship, so I thought I'd dip my toe into the Online Dating world.

Mostly I get messages off blokes I don't fancy, or guys who can't string a sentence together. So it's rare to find someone interesting, attractive, and intelligent... but I seem to have found two at the same time!

Bloke #1 MrShiftWorker. We quickly moved off OD to Whatsapp chatting, and have been chatting intensely for about a week. He was keen, seems sweet, and he's cute. But he works 12 hour shifts 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. During our week of intense chatting, he was on his time off, but he has now gone back on shift. Right before he started back at work, he suggested that we should meet up for a drink soon. But since he's been back on shift, the texting has dropped right off. He's clearly very busy, and he has texted every day, but just a few texts, quick chat, and that's it for another 24 hours.

I asked him when he might find time for this drink that he suggested, and he said it would have to be in 2 weeks when his shift rotation ends. I like him, I want to keep him interested, but I'm worried that I'm coming across too keen - so I'm just trying to play it very cool, replying to him when he texts but that's all... am I at risk of him just fading away?

Bloke #2 Mr Traveller. He was away travelling when we first started chatting about 2 weeks ago, he sent me huge long essays of messages about his travels. Seems very nice.. but then he disappeared. I thought, I've got nothing to lose, so a couple of days ago I messaged him one last time to say I thought he was worth persevering with because there were so few decent guys on OD so it would be nice to keep chatting, and I gave him my number - he Whatsapped immediately, apologising for disappearing, and since then he's been lovely and chatty. He immediately suggested that he call me tonight so that we can have a proper chat... eeeek! I'm nervous!

My relationship history is I always come across too keen, I mess things up by being too intense. Whatsapp drives me nuts when I can see that a guy has read my message but not replied. I'm quite intense. So I'm worried that will come across and frighten these guys away.

I really need the distraction, I'm still heartbroken and trying to heal over the previous relationship so I'd like to make at least of these two new love interests get as far as a few dates!

I should add that they both live >2 hours away from me, so any date would require a bit of effort and a day out, it's not like we can meet for a 30 min coffee any time soon...

Sorry for the Essay!

Awww sorry to hear about your stuff, Runs and yeah take a break, God knows we need them (and a shower in bleach) from time to time with OLD.

Vet ta for the welcome back. Gonna need you guys, as I’m already facepalming and “what have I done?”ing at the messages I’m getting.
But that’s just being new blood on POF; it’ll go quiet soon and I need to start searching and also set up on another site. Something niche, I reckon, like Ex Goths Of a Certain Age, or Country House Enthusiast Dating. Both of which I will now trademark.

Cold and Sorting welcome This is indeed the place for regular sense checks and reassurance that no it’s not you; the ratio of socially inept: normal is like 10000000000:1 and it’s a numbers/waiting game.
If you don’t like bad spelling and grammar that’s your right and it’s one I shall defend unto the death, as I’m the same. It means that traffic (or, rather, the traffic I want to drive in) is slow, but I’m on OLD to meet a partner so I accept that. Please remind me of this when I am screamingly frustrated by the whole thing. Which will be this time next week, probably

Love I’ve been following your sitch with Mr CV and he just sounds a bit half arsed. I’m averse to anything that feels like hard work (including hard work; it’s amazing I’m still employed really ) and I’m hopeful you’ll meet someone a bit more dynamic and sweep you off your feet-y so there is no doubt about their feelings.

My profile needs a tweak (bit drier than I’d like at the mo) and I need some more photos, so that’s my next task. I’m resisting paying so far, though the lure of “99+ likes”is strong. I just know they’ll be 5’7” guys with tats and hi-vis tabards in the main though (I’m heightist/hi-vis tabardist, I make no apology for this) and I’m still behind the idea that if they’re interested they will message rather than just swiping right. Again, remind me of this in a week when there’s tumbleweed blowing through my profile.....

So after Mr Music blew me out, I bumped into one of my bumble outside possibilities at a festival. He spent all evening with me and my friends. Zero chemistry but a fun guy and all credit to him for being so sociable.

Then came back but needed to stay out longer and bloke1 got hold of me so ended up doing our FWB thing. Totally unplanned.

Had 2nd thoughts after bendy 's thoughts on Mr Music so didn't block him. He is now messaging me saying he is better but not asking me out. Will just see where it leads but have no hopes for that one. If he wasn't so darn gorgeous he would have got the bin long ago.

Am back with no relationship potential other than shagging and friends really. 2 or 3 on bumble I could move to meeting but v undecided about them.

And welcome back cover !

Well, the messages have died down so there's my answer. No second date.

Cold right, you asked cracks knuckles

Bloke 1: why is the onus on you to keep him interested? If he genuinely wants to to meet you he will, and fair enough if it’s in 2 weeks time ; he’s been upfront about why the wait. If he fades away in the meantime then it’s his loss. I wouldn’t chase, personally, and I tend to work on taking it in turns texting. If I was in your shoes (which I am of course 😀) I’d decide the level of contact/lapses in communication I feel comfortable with and if his level was wildly out of sync then move on: plenty more fish etc. If he’s interested I’d expect a text or so a day, just to make sure that in turn I don’t lose interest. Although it’s rarely as thought out as that; good potentials seem to just flow without any overthinking or angst. That said, I am old fashioned with the whole gender thing (men make the first move). Which is clearly why my love life has been so wildly successful thus far 🙄

Bloke 2: I’d not have sent the message if I’m honest (see above) as I like to know a guy is interested enough to keep things movIng. At the early pre-meeting stage it’s safe to assume both parties are chatting with a number of people, so yeah you might need to keep checking in here so we can remind you not to overinvest, as that way if not madness, then certainly unnecessary stress lies.
And to be brutal, yes if you make it apparent that you expect immediate replies and super frequent contact with a stranger/someone you barely know that does tend to scare people off. It’s attractive to have your own life and interests that a potential date can complement, it’s less attractive to make them main focus of your life right out of the gate. Which can be hard if you’re trying to replace one relationship with another pretty quickly.

Also you’ve mentioned that you’re heartbroken and trying to heal. It might just be too soon to date right now; in my opinion the healing happens when you have some space and time for yourself. Distraction is good, definitely, but OLD is a pretty tough place and I think one fares better with it when one isn’t emotionally wobbly in any way.

Just my 2c. I hope things go really well for you and sorry if the above seems a bit.....forthright

Thanks Daff

Cover not too forthright at all, that's exactly what I need, thank you!

I think you're right, I'm a bit emotionally vulnerable to be tough enough for this OLD lark right now, but I'm there so I may as well keep chatting to the ones I'm chatting to.

re Bloke 1. Youre right - he's the one busy at work and messaging when he can. The onus is on him to make sure I don't lose interest... good point. So - when he texts me, should I reply immediately or leave it a few hours? The problem with doing that is that he seems to just have a short window of time each morning when he's free before going back on shift - so I've been replying when he messages as it's the only opportunity to 'chat'. After that, he disappears for the day.

Bloke 2. I wasn't going to chase, but I thought what the hell. Since then, he's been the one making the moves.. It's early days, I'm not that invested in him and to be honest I'm not sure I fancy him. But he wants to call me so I'll see how that pans out...

So... do I reply immediately, or let them sweat it out a bit?

if a man can't spell or has bad grammar, instant delete.

I'm the same too, yet I'm guilty of making mistakes when I really get into a conversation and start typing quicker than my brain can keep up with. Hopefully you all overlook minor faux pas with typos and errant commas.

I should add that they both live >2 hours away from me, so any date would require a bit of effort and a day out

Two hours? Have you really thought about how awkward that makes things? If I met someone really special I would travel to see them but I don't think I'd want a 4 hour round trip for a first meet.

Daffo it sounds like OLD has left you feeling rather hamstrung at the moment?

Hopefully you all overlook minor faux pas with typos and errant commas

Oh yeah, once you're chatting it's different. I make typos all the time. But if they can't spell properly in their profile... or they write something inane in their opening message... it's a no from me.

Help people.
So today I was persuaded to come to this event by a admin from a group I am on, I was meant to be meeting him here and then finding a few others from the group. I have met him before and he seemed ok. So I've driven bloody miles, get here, message him to say I'm here and he's not coming. I don't have phone contacts for the other group members so I'm totally on my own. I have paid a fortune to get in and can't find anyone I know so I'm on my own. I feel like just going home but that will be a waste 😢
I'm say in my car on mumsnet.

cold

Also you’ve mentioned that you’re heartbroken and trying to heal. Itmightjust be too soon to date right now; in my opinion the healing happens when you have some space and time for yourself. Distraction is good, definitely, but OLD is a pretty tough place and I think one fares better with it when one isn’t emotionally wobbly in any way.

^^ what cover said

Get over the other relationship before embarking upon a new one. Otherwise you will get more hurt. Can you handle that right now?

Ask the admin to forward your contact details onto at least one of the members who is there so you can find each other Love?

Love can you get on the forum and issue a MayDay?

Two hours? Have you really thought about how awkward that makes things? If I met someone really special I would travel to see them but I don't think I'd want a 4 hour round trip for a first meet.

Yeah it's not ideal but I live in a rural area, and if I restrict my search to people within 50 miles... the choice is dire. I'm thinking that if a bloke is worth it, we can meet in the middle for a date - so approx 1 hour of travelling for each of us... then if we like each other we can move on to weekends away, that sort of thing.

I'm looking for an outdoorsy bloke, and I live somewhere that is a mecca for ourdoorsy folks, so Im hoping they won't mind coming to me for the odd weekend if we get that far.... hmmmm.

lovemusic get out of your car, put your best friendly vivacious face on and go and have a nice time. You don't need to be part of an organised group to do this. Go and meet some new people today!!

Cold if I knew he couldn’t get into a chat then and there, I’d probably not worry about replying straight away. It's not so much about making them sweat, just about you also having other stuff to do

Get over the other relationship before embarking upon a new one. Otherwise you will get more hurt. Can you handle that right now?

I think I need new distractions to help me get over the other relationship. I've ended it with him, but he wants to keep me hanging on a thread. I need to remind myself that other men find me attractive to be able to cut that thread.

Oh Love hope you're ok? Can you just hold your head high, enjoy the event and chat to people while you're there?