Married man losing interest and I feel like shit

[touchoffree]

I know this is wrong but I've been seeing a married man for the last four months. Tbh I'm not capable finding my own relationship as men never want me.

This man pursued me for ages and eventually I gave in. Initially he couldn't get enough but just like all the other men he is now bored. His wife accused him of cheating and today he told me he can no longer text me at the weekends. So I got annoyed and told him I was fed up of all the rules, to which he has accused me of being too needy.

I feel horrible now and hate the fact he thinks I need attention. I've tried to be so laid back but it's hard when I have no commitment from him. He's stopped texting me back so that's it really.

Not sure how to make myself feel any better? I just feel really frustrated that he isn't replying to my messages and I want to scream. I'm so disgusted with myself for another failed attempt at making something work. Even someone that I don't really want doesn't want me.

Tell me it gets better please?

I really don't think the answer lies in me getting more hobbies!

I think he’s made the bit up about being caught cheating to get some respite from you. He’s obviously bored sexually & therefore this is over for him & you need to wake up & smell the coffee.

What I would say to do is ... not play hide the sausage with someone else's husband. You say your bored and feel bad etc etc etc... how do you think his wife feels the person he devotes his love and life to you desided to have a "thing" with him because he kept pushing you NEWS FLASH you could of said NO!

OP as someone who has been where you are sort of ( no sex involved EA certainly). It's been two years of going full on contact ( texts, calls and catch ups coffee lunch etc. but nothing physical). Then periods of nothing complete silience nothing ignoring me completely. In my case this is a man who was my first love and reppeared after thirty years. To say it's been emotional is an understatement. I destroyed my own relationship ( not proud of this i came clean and confessed my feelings for another to him). He walked which he should have done. Ultimately i'm now a mess in therapy having tried to kill myself for what? A man i love who doesn't feel the same about me!! I don't understand why i behaved in this way but i'm working on it. I feel dreadful for all involved especially the innocent people in all this the wife and my now former DP. Sorry for the long winded response. What i'm trying to point out is don't waste anymore time on this it won't go anywhere except to a place of hurt for all involved. Move on and leave him be. It's hard i get that i know i'm there now and i struggle with it but i'm getting there. Please get some therapy it will help. Good luck.

Well the answer certainly doesn’t lie in the pants of married men

You need to sort yourself out

Get some therapy- work through your own issues around men/relationships.
Build a life for yourself.

Go out. Meet people. Have fun
Don’t trawl the internet for unavailable men who spin you lines and then bin you off when it suits them.

But thats why hes with you-to ejaculate into. Nothing more.
You are worth more than this. Youre acting terribly, but you need to work on your feelings of being unable to keep a partner.
You wont keep this one once the choice beyween his wife and you comes-which it will. Its an empty relationship based on sex, nothing more no matter what he may say.

Do you find yourself putting a lot in at the beginning of a relationship? Do you feel you need to make things exciting to get bfs to get more involved, but in fact it has the opposite effect? I made this mistake for a lot of my twenties. I now know what I was signalling was either a) desperation and neediness or b) this is a fling not a relationship. I also wasn't honest that what I wanted was a relationship and to be treated well. I have no idea what I should have done as I ended up having a fling with an old friend which I expected to be over within weeks and it unexpectedly turned into my marriage, so I can't say what the remedy is, but I would maybe focus on friendships rather than relationships, spending time with people doing unexciting, comfy things rather than event dates. And seeing someone married really is an act of desperation, as you've pointed out yourself: who knows whether the line he's strung you about them having problems is true or not. Make this your low watermark and promise to set higher standards for yourself in future.

I think the definition of boring is pretty closely linked to stimulus that bores people, surely?

However, I dont think you are "boring". Because such a perspn doesnt exist. You are just "boring" to the men you have been choosing, after a while. I know some fucking dull people (IMO) and they have partners. They probably think I'm a total bore and weird for my interests, etc. Who knows, these men might tire of just about anyone after 3 months! There are plenty of people like that.

An ego boost is temporary and pointless. The whole basis is flawed. You will never be happy if you are looking for external validation. Dont let other people control your feelings. 30s plenty young (Im a similar age), so I dont think you have any cause to be concerned about not being "partnered up", etc.

Plus, look at MN. A lot of couples are utterly fucking miserable. And you now know first hand that many of them are being unfaithful! You dont see into peoples private lives, and are assuming the grass is greener. It can be, but mostly its not (if you are happy single). It certainly aint worth settling.

OP why did you even bother posting on here? There's been loads of helpful advice and PP asking questions that could help you yet you've ignored them all.

OP how old are you if you don't mind me asking?
You seem very naive. That's sweet.
Anyway you have disappeared for now. Probably asleep..
I expect you have a bit of growing to do.

Can't find it in myself to have any sympathy for you, in all honesty.

Stop even thinking about him, he wasn't free to be with you in the first place.

Maybe consider doing an Assertiveness course or something, or counselling, work on our own self-confidence before you even attempt to see anyone else - might find that it will help with you finding someone who IS actually free.

YOUR own self confidence, obviously. don't know where the Y went there.

Apart from anything else for a relationship to really work you need to have a connection. You say you don’t want him, sounds like you don’t actually like him that much. So why are you staying with him? What do you want from a relationship? If the key thing is to make you feel wanted/boost your ego that is not a good basis and maybe that’s what these men are eventually picking up (although he sounds unpleasant with questionable morals and probably a bit of a user). Perhaps others have liked you but then realise it’s ultimately about you stroking your own ego than actually liking/connecting with them which won’t make them feel very good.

Have you had a relationship where you loved spending time with someone other than sex? Adored lots of things about them? Had a real laugh? It should be a real friendship. You sound like you could do with help re. Your self esteem (describing men finding someone whose ‘better’ than you...they are not ‘better’ just someone they click with more, perhaps better for them but sounds like you compare yourself a lot.)

Step one - dump this loser whose making you feel crap About yourself (as well as his poor wife)
Step two - work out what you want from a relationship and why you want an ego boost. If you are confident and happy with yourself your relationships will be happier.

Sorry you are getting a hard time on here OP. I'm guessing that you fell for a pretty full-on charm offensive from the married man who also managed to convince you (using standard cheater bs) that his marriage is pretty much over. Now you've experienced it, you'll be less likely to fall for it in the future.
You say that men get bored of you,
but how did you feel about them? When you look at those relationships/dating experiences did you actually really like each of those men enough to want to build a future with them? Were there things which you didn't like about them but which you decided to ignore because even if things weren't perfect/making you happy/allowing you to be your true self, you didn't want to end things/lose what you had? I think men aren't 'getting bored' of you but are just more honest about you not being a good fit for each other and are less affected by the potent biochemistry which comes from having sex with someone. I'm not sure if I'm talking bollocks, but I believe that women are far more sensitive to the bonding hormones which come from having sex - which is why we end up clinging on to nascent relationships which would probably not make us happy in the long term. Dating is like shopping and it's ok to try before you buy. Maybe you need to start seeing yourself as the person doing the shopping not as the product to be picked. Maybe counselling would help or some reading on the influence of biochemistry on sexual behaviour and relationships so that you can view your experiences with men from a more rational perspective and not feel that there's something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you.

Well he's obviously a dick so you're well shot of him. He is a proven liar, capable of cheating and betraying his wife, and threw his toys out of the pram because you questioned the rules he expected you to play by.

Honestly, I wouldn't give him a second thought but he has taught you a useful lesson : avoid mm.

The rest of your post, about men losing interest, is the same for everyone surely? We all go through failed relationships before we find the right one.

If you really don't see anything that you might be doing wrong, if your best friends can't think of anything when you ask them for an honest answer, then you're probably going for the wrong type or have just had bad luck.

If I had to guess I would say you come across as a bit desperate, or too needy.

Well isn't this a pleasant thread. Whilst I'm sure everyone else on here is the absolute epitomy of perfection the op clearly isn't in a good place and needs support and advice to help her change her situation.

But no she is attacked, slut shamed and abused by a bunch of haridans no better than a book yard bullies.

My husband was talking about a thread on one of his gaming forums where a bloke's wife had come to MN looking for advice. He said he couldn't believe the answers and that it was one of the rudest forums he'd seen. MN is getting a reputation and judging by this thread it's deserved.

I agree Skaross. Some truly horrible people posting on here.

It sounds like you have lots of hobbies so meeting new people shouldn’t be an issue. Do you talk to friends, or have any support, IRL?

You need some help with your self esteem. I would find a counsellor to work through the issues.

30 isn’t old. I know plenty of women in their late 20s and early 30s not in a steady relationship. One of my dear friends is in her mid-30s, single, getting her education, (She’s a psychiatric registrar) travelling widely and enjoying life. She has many hobbies like you. She doesn’t tie her value to being married and having kids. She is the most interesting person I know.

Jesus there's thousands of women that suffer from low self esteem- myself included!!!!

But that doesn't mean they would do and fuck a married man! Still have empathy and morals! I can't believe the amount of being feeling sorry for her!

I have absolutely zero tolerance or sympathy for people who cheat on their partners or who knowingly enter into a 'relationship' with a married person. That's just me 🤷🏻‍♀️

But the fact that he has treated his wife so appallingly was never going to bode well for you was it?

Knowingly sleeping with a married man for an ego boost is disgusting.

I think you need some professional help to sort yourself out.

Trust me when I say this, seeing a married man never ends well.

In all likelihood, if this man wasn't seeing you he'd be seeing someone else.

I won't judge you for having a relationship with him, but do yourself a massive favour and stop emotionally battering yourself.

You know things will never progress, and even if they did and he left his wife for you...could you really trust a man you met through an affair?

I've been in this situation a number of times and there are no good outcomes.

Join dating sites, show confidence in yourself and expect more for yourself. You'll find someone who'll make you the centre of their world if you're willing to look hard enough.

I don't know about 'more hobbies' as such, but filling all your extra time with hard physical exercise does seem to be a very effective way of using up negative, restless energy.

The only reason the op is getting a hard time is due to her lack of guilt. She is only bothered about how she feels.

If she were to come on and say 'I've made a massive mistake, I feel terrible for the hurt and pain I've caused to others' she may get a better response.

Yet openly further down the thread she openly admits to not even thinking about this mans wife. She's not bothered about the fact she has played a huge part in possibly tearing someone's life apart. Yes the wife may never find out but that's not the point.

She's all 'me me me'. How can she be made to feel better etc. Maybe if she actually wasn't so selfish, she would actually be able to get over this situation properly.

Mumsnet at times can be awful. But if anyone thinks they are going to get sympathy for being part of an affair and feeling no remorse from it is barking up the wrong tree.

Yes the op probably does needs counselling. She most definitely needs to get some morals. But she also needs to see these tough love/no sympathy comments or how the hell is she going to learn anything? The op is 30 ffs. Extremely selfish and immature for her age. People have affairs. It's wrong on every level. But to feel absolutely no guilt or remorse after and only thinking about yourself speaks volumes.

If we all replied 'oh you poor love, what a horrible situation for you....you've done nothing wrong' etc etc.... then she's just going to carry on thinking what she's done is acceptable.

I have to say that the comment about thinking a married man would be good for her ego put me off.

Don’t you want more for yourself op
You won’t have any life this way