Married man losing interest and I feel like shit

[touchoffree]

I know this is wrong but I've been seeing a married man for the last four months. Tbh I'm not capable finding my own relationship as men never want me.

This man pursued me for ages and eventually I gave in. Initially he couldn't get enough but just like all the other men he is now bored. His wife accused him of cheating and today he told me he can no longer text me at the weekends. So I got annoyed and told him I was fed up of all the rules, to which he has accused me of being too needy.

I feel horrible now and hate the fact he thinks I need attention. I've tried to be so laid back but it's hard when I have no commitment from him. He's stopped texting me back so that's it really.

Not sure how to make myself feel any better? I just feel really frustrated that he isn't replying to my messages and I want to scream. I'm so disgusted with myself for another failed attempt at making something work. Even someone that I don't really want doesn't want me.

Tell me it gets better please?

Can we have a few replies please where we berate the husband for cheating on his wife with another woman..whoever she is and in whatever personal circumstances she found herself. HE persued the OP, she felt flattered and gave in (of course that was the wrong thing to do..OP knows that, we all know that)...I feel sorry for his wife because if it wasn’t the OP he wanted to bed because HE was bored it would sure as hell been someone else by the sounds of it. The OP has allowed herself to be used..of course she feels like shut now because she’s been treated like shut...What a man...If he read this he’d think he’d well and truly got away with everything he’d done wrong...I am utterly disgusted by the hatred in these posts...

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
Fuckit well 'bagging' isn't a term that I use myself, it's for sporting awards I thought? But whatever term - the married partner thinks more of their own wants and needs than of their marriage vows and the good of their spouse. I don't think that can be disputed.

Actually I’ll think you’ll find that you yourself used the term “bagging” when you wrote : Fuckit ok I'll bite. So, an OW can't bag a single man - but she can bag the man who promised to love and cherish you till death do you part...

Also did you miss the part when I said **don’t think anyone has said on this thread that the husband is blame free not a total dick but there’s a level of morality that’s missing when an OW decides to engage in a affair with someone that she is quite aware is unavailable. It’s aboyt being a decent human being you know?

All our decisions have impacts on others, negative and positive.**

Totally agree with your post @lunatrap that is the reason why the op is receiving so many negative posts in a nutshell .

If I were you op I would cut ties with this man and start counselling for your self esteem.

If you say you're not a boring person but men get bored (I know the difference ) then could the reason be because perhaps you are coming across too needy or too down on yourself? You know like where someone can only tell you you're pretty so many times but because your response is always " no I'm ugly" followed by a whole list of faults then that can get tiresome so they give up?

Counselling could really help build you up. You will only get that self validation from within but unfortunately you are relying on a married man to validate you. Married men who go looking else where are usually only in it for a thrill, he doesn't actually care about you, as harsh as that sounds.

So please get counselling and work on looking after you. Ditch the idiot man! Then later on maybe try online dating where you can filter it to more of the kind of man you are looking for. He is out there!

Look after yourself x

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe and @jeaux90 I totally agree with this Thank fuck for that, some posters who can see beyond the obvious. jeux, Sarahj and sofa

I've seen you both post so much sense on OW threads in the past including my own. I just want to say thanks.

Sandy, with respect - and I don't disagree with the rest of your post - the board is for support for relationships. This OP was in one as an OW.

There isn't really anywhere for somebody struggling with being in or getting out of an affair, to post. I mentioned that upthread because if there was an 'OW board' here, out of the way so that it was out of view, posters would seek it out regardless.

Fuckit, then it's a term that I used in response to somebody else using it on this thread. Does it really matter? 'Bagging', 'nabbing', 'stealing', 'purloining'? All of those terms are bollocks because a) you can't 'take' a person from somebody else and b) you can't own somebody.

The fact is, married man (or woman) thinks more about being with their affair partner than they do about staying faithful to their spouse and they actively choose to do something about it. The responsibility, or fault, or blame is all on them, not the person they're cheating on.

We don't need 'token' bashing of the erroneous spouse as PotteryGirl suggests, it's would just be "He's a feckless twat but SHE, she is ". What's the point?

Affairs are horrendous, they do cause misery and nobody's saying otherwise, are they?

Each party in an affair is 100% responsible for their actions.

It's pointless 'berating' the MM...He's not posting on here.

Being pursued is no excuse to give in. This sounds like women are helpless victims. NO it's not the case.

If we all go around with the view of "I didnt make vows to his wife" attitude...and think it's okay... it simply a notion to not accept responsibility.

I get vert irritated by women trying to play the victim in this situation.

You go into an affair... then buckle up for the ride. It's a rollercoaster. The great sex.. the highs and lows of it. The last minute let downs .. the secrecy.....the dashing off after sex.... the call from his wife while he's with you and you have to keep silent... be prepared for the whole shebang... To be an OW - you need to toughen up...or don't do it.

It's just all so bloody sexist! You can only consider yourself as having "bagged" a man if you are romanced; sex doesn't count.

Riiiiight. Because men only spend money and buy flowers for laydeeeez (madonnas) They save their baser desires for OW who are "easy" (whores).

The 19th century called - it would like its attitudes back.

Good posts Sandy. Was the other forum you referred to on LS? Any idea why it closed down?

I agree with sandy in the blame lies with both parties. Women can say no to a mm, it's not like they don't have a choice. I agree also that if you do give in, do so at your peril!

Some women only date married men because they enjoy the thrill of sex without commitment and they can detach their emotions accordingly.

I don't believe for one second that women who only date married men are not to blame in any way.

OP, I can smell the desperation off you from here.
Work on yourself.

You go into an affair... then buckle up for the ride. It's a rollercoaster. The great sex.. the highs and lows of it. The last minute let downs .. the secrecy.....the dashing off after sex.... the call from his wife while he's with you and you have to keep silent... be prepared for the whole shebang... To be an OW - you need to toughen up...or don't do it.

Absolutely in agreement with this ^

Also that each affair partner is 100% responsible for their actions and choices. That said, randoms have no cause to berate them when they post here - unless we're the cheated on partner and the affair partner is posting. Otherwise, we're not involved, not inconvenienced and not party to any aspect of it.

The 'peril' is in the affair itself - not posting on a thread and this OP has decided to block and delete her affair partner. Job done, but by her - not by anybody calling her names.

CostaLiving I remember you and your thread; it's been a while and I hope you're doing ok now?

You didn't express any remorse or feelings about his wife in your original post it was all about your poor you, your feelings and self pity. Doubt very much you will get any sympathy op.

@LunaTrap

Thanks.
Was the other forum you referred to on LS?

Yes it was LS.

Any idea why it closed down?

No idea... but lots of people miss it. I used to direct OWs there.

Affairs are not for the needy and emotionally invested. You need to have a don't care..take it or leave it attitude.

He who cares the least in a relationship holds the most power

Time and time again I say this to OW (and a few OM) because it's the married AP (affair partner) that can take it or leave it. Meanwhile the 'Other'is often like a little puppy or a bird waiting for crumbs.

Especially for the single 'other'. Days and nights wasted waiting for the MM/MW to get in touch...because you have contact rules.

It also means you can't really tell if the person is a crap boyfriend when they let you down because their married ..or just your bog standard idiot regardless. They can hide behind the excuse of being married not to step up.

"I couldn't call you my wife was around"

"I would have bought you xyz..but my wife would see it on the bank statement/credit card bill"

"I was about to come and meet you but DS/DD/MIL / the dog/cat/budgie was sick and I couldn't call to let you know"

You're at the bottom of the pile as the 'other' ... you're the accompaniment that is nice to have, but not necessary.

You can have chips without ketchup...but not the other way round.

I don't think anybody has the definitive position on what an affair is or isn't. Some are like Sandy's description possibly, others are not. Mine was not. Would I do it again? No.

I think men are probably more suited to having affairs than women are but then nobody knows the true figure and many affairs aren't talked of or discovered. Some OW are prioritised, others are not - and there's a normal distribution in the middle. To say otherwise is a bit misguided.

I think MN would be a good place for a 'difficult relationship' board, away from this one so that posters feeling vulnerable wouldn't just happen across OW threads on a board that they feel comfortable on.

I don't believe that OW/OM have any kind of interest in causing upset to posters on this board, it's borne from a need to talk and no platform for that. As this is mostly a forum for women and most affair partners who post here are women, they should have somewhere safe too - on a board that's easily avoided and the misogynistic crap that's been spouted on this thread, not tolerated.

Lying it's the misogyny on the relationships threads like this that gets me the most.

First rule of misogyny is that women are responsible for what men do.

I'll skip a few

Seventh rule of misogyny is women should always be grateful to men.

The first applies to women here trying to kick OP's arse.

The seventh applies to OP. OP these men are a waste of space, focus on you. These men you have met think you should be grateful for the time or attention they gave you. They don't respect you or women in general.

The best gift I gave myself is my career and financial independence. It has given me the opportunity to be a single mum and do what the fuck I like. Focus on that, on you. X

Excellent post, jeaux, every woman should pay attention to their own career and financial independence - men do!

I think that it's little wonder that generally, men don't take women seriously when from all corners, women seem to seek to serve them in some way.

Unfortunately, misogyny is so deeply rooted in our culture and history that it's impossible not to internalise any of it. I've had to check some of my thought processes in the past and even now I still find myself saying or thinking something before I think, 'Would I feel this way if a man had done it?' It is really, really hard. We are starting from such a disadvantage.

Obviously you shouldn't shag married people. It's wrong and a bad thing to do. But I do agree with the school of thought that we are not responsible for other people's marriages. If your husband has cheated, focus on HIM (or tell him to get to fuck). If the only reason he hasn't cheated is because no woman will agree to shag him, your marriage isn't worth much anyway. He's in the marriage, hold him responsible for it.

If I stole your car for a joyride, would you blame me or the passenger I picked up?

@jeaux90 I don’t think any poster has said the OP is solely responsible for the man’s actions but she has enabled his behaviour by being receptive and actively encouraging the affair by sleeping with him and as demonstrated by her posts is totally uncaring about the wife (less we forget, the wife is a woman also!!!) so when people talk about misogyny being the root cause of peoples negative feelings towards the OW , I disagree , it’s feels more of a betrayal on women as a group. The husband is the worst in all of this but to say the OP has done absolutely nothing wrong here and to say otherwise is misogynist behaviour is just not right.

Think there was a thread started by a guy (where he was the OM ) not so long ago and he got his ass kicked too . There have also been posts that have been started by the husbands admitting an affair , he got a very short shrift and a lot of abuse. I don’t think there was one poster that jumped in and said “hey guys this is male hating let’s cut him some slack” because it’s the actions that cause contempt , not the sex of a person.

The point I’m trying to make is regardless what sex you are ,there is the right thing to do and the wrong thing . People should strive to be the best human being they can be and if a reality check is required in order to do that then so be it. You can’t absolve people of their bad decisions because they are woman and vice versa.

Sorry fuckit but there are plenty of people on this section of mumsnet who talk about the OW as a whore, bitch etc. (Whilst trying to make it up with their asshat husbands)

That is absolutely internalised misogyny.

People can't have it both ways, we either have radical feminism (I'm one of those who believe in the sisterhood whatever they have done) or you have the liberal feminism which believe in the individual empowerment including sex work and the like. Personally I find the latter absolutely shite.

I'll support all women as I centre them including the OP. If the wife posted, I'd tell her to get rid of the useless piece of skin she calls a husband.

@jeaux90
I'll support all women as I centre them including the OP. If the wife posted, I'd tell her to get rid of the useless piece of skin she calls a husband.

Ok so what if a woman came to you that was unfaithful to her husband , for no real reason apart from wanting a bit of extra excitement, would you advise her that she is a useless piece of skin?
I don’t think you would ...do you see where I’m going with this . I’m pro human as fundamentally that’s what men and women are. The bad decision and actions are what the poster is being judged upon and yes I agree “whore and bitch” are not acceptable terms to use but the OP has acted deplorable and should be prepared for a big backlash on a forum like this. Same way as when a husband posts admitting his affair , he is called every name under the sun. Name calling isn’t right in either scenario but to say a person is not responsible for their actions because they are a single person and she should feel no guilt or blame whatsoever because you’re a female, furthermore to critic the OW behaviour is misogyny is just bizarre and not correct.

@jeaux90 Sun

it's the misogyny on the relationships threads like this that gets me the most.

First rule of misogyny is that women are responsible for what men do.

Totally agree.

It is a stroke of brilliance by men that they have managed to organise society so that when a married man cheats on his wife, his wife and other women instead of blaming him for his actions and requiring him to take responsiblity, blame the OW.

It is such a load of rubbish.

You get that misogyny a lot round here and then when pulled up on it, it becomes "well he's 60% responsible but she is 40% responsible because she knew he was married."
Translation: she is breach of the sisterhood rules because men are so helpless they are controlled by their penis and women know that so have a duty to each other to help men keep their penises only for their wives.

No. He and he alone is totally responsible.

The biggest irony is that the most vitriolic women who lay in hardest to the OW are the ones who are sensitive about the subject of affairs because their husband did it to them.

If you (the general you, not person specific) sleep with someone (man or woman) who you know is married (or in an otherwise serious relationship) then the two of you are both equally wrong and responsible for that act.

It’s a lack of human decency. Nothing to do with feminism or misogyny.

I think it’s really sad that we are now trying to say it’s ok for woman to sleep with whom ever she pleases - married, single or whatever and that she is in no way in the wrong if she sleeps with a knowingly taken person and passing that off as new wave feminism.

Fuckit. To be honest I'm not an advocate of marriage, it's a man made institution wholly designed to control assets but I'll bite because it's interesting. (But I would advise women who want to have kids and stay at home to get married)

If I had a friend who was cheating on her husband I would support her because she is my friend.

I'm not like you Fuckit, I'm not into equality I'm firmly on the side of women. I make no apology for that.

There is too much shit in world for women to deal with, I refuse to centre men in that.

OPs issue is she centres men rather than herself as we are conditioned to do!