Married man losing interest and I feel like shit

[touchoffree]

I know this is wrong but I've been seeing a married man for the last four months. Tbh I'm not capable finding my own relationship as men never want me.

This man pursued me for ages and eventually I gave in. Initially he couldn't get enough but just like all the other men he is now bored. His wife accused him of cheating and today he told me he can no longer text me at the weekends. So I got annoyed and told him I was fed up of all the rules, to which he has accused me of being too needy.

I feel horrible now and hate the fact he thinks I need attention. I've tried to be so laid back but it's hard when I have no commitment from him. He's stopped texting me back so that's it really.

Not sure how to make myself feel any better? I just feel really frustrated that he isn't replying to my messages and I want to scream. I'm so disgusted with myself for another failed attempt at making something work. Even someone that I don't really want doesn't want me.

Tell me it gets better please?

Op can i ask what you expected from this thread?
you wanted advice on how to keep some other woman's husband interested in you?
you're disgraceful.

You'll be okay OP... his wife is not your concern... he is not your concern.... your own well being is your concern... take care of yourself and focus on liking who you are... they say there is someone for everyone... try to avoid the disgusting cheaters and find someone who will treasure you...

you know this man will move onto another affair given a few days.. he'll be back online tapping someone new.... he's a creep.. you can learn from this... good luck

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
@Justtheonequestion didn’t use the phrase “wank sock” in her post she just highlighted that this affair was all about sex and nothing more . That’s the case even indicated by the OP , why would that offend you so much?

Also @LyndaLaHughes is correct about karma, if it didn’t exist then I find it incredibly coincidental that she made a morally absent decision to sleep with someone who has a family and now she is paying for that decision by being tossed aside and feeling bad/used . I’d say karma is very much alive and kicking. Every decision has a consequence.

And in terms of your comment : “is the wife 'not good enough' either then? She was obviously so lacking herself that this man had to find another companion” it’s very well known that men can compartmentalise sex from love. Many are thrill seekers, this probably has a lot to do with genetics and them having more testosterone etc so it really doesn’t say anything about the wife but more so the husband. The fact that the Op went into this knowingly says a lot about her though, in my opinion it’s really bad form and just allows men to have their cake and eat it. Yes women are sexual beings obviously and can go out and have sex with no commitments if they so wish but really it’s quite vile to do this with a married man.

OP have you not heard of tinder? Use it , work on your self-esteem and get some councelling.

Eminado, No, telling somebody having an affair that 'they're on a hiding to nothing' isn't spiteful or making anybody insecure - it's the absolute and unmitigated truth.

==

It's the personal 'wank sock', 'you're boring no wonder a man wouldn't want you' comments that are pitiful and transparent. Only somebody very insecure in their relationship would say something like that, in my opinion.

There are plenty of things that I deplore and people forgive - but they - for some inexplicable reason - find OW/OM to be deserving of bile and vitriolic posts the like of which I don't see for anybody else. It's disproportionate and inconsistent. I remember a poster Darkesteyes who used to post here as an OW and, because she was a regular, used to use this board as her own personal confidante. It was pathetic that posters used to fawn and excuse but they did. A non-regular? Different story.

This OP is (presumably) not having an affair with your (general, not aimed at you) husband so the spite is misdirected. Take it up with your own husband and his OW if you feel the need to lash out.

Affairs are never, ever a good thing, I've never said they were or suggested to any OW that they should carry on with one. Not once.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Also I think you made a comment up thread about all the other posters that provided negative comments feeling “threatened” , wow so off the mark , they were just commenting on what is deplorable actions. I’m single and have no relationship to feel protective of or therefore feel threatened by. This makes me think that you deem OW to be some kind of “kick ass weapon” that we should all be scared of when in reality they can’t even bag a single man and settle for the scraps that a married man can offer.

You probably need counselling too as your perception on things seems slightly wonky at best ...

Just Wanksock? Really? So you wouldn't call a woman a 'whore' but you're quite happy to call a woman a 'wanksock?'

Here's the thing. I don't know anyone who uses these kinds of words about other women, and if I did I wouldn't be friends with them. Because in my opinion, this kind of misogyny, self righteousness, attitude of superiority and toxic judgement of others is far less forgiveable than one stupid misstep.

I just find it so thoroughly depressing to see women tearing lumps out of eachother in this way when we all know that it is most often the men wielding the power in these situations (in general men have more social and financial power than women and are held to lesser standards too.)

Also it makes no sense? If the OW is just a "wanksock" then how does this reflect on the wife? If a man is willing to risk it all for only a "wanksock" then he must place no value in his marriage at all?

Fuckit ok I'll bite. So, an OW can't bag a single man - but she can bag the man who promised to love and cherish you till death do you part...

Do you not see how ludicrous that makes your post sound?

I don't need counselling but you perhaps need to look at the power imbalance. Or don't, I really don't care, but if you or other posters use somebody's thread to lash out then I'll pull you up on it.

@LeavingLasVegasForGood

@Justtheonequestion didn’t use the phrase “wank sock” in her post I don’t think ....she just highlighted that this affair was all about sex and nothing more . That’s the case even indicated by the OP , why would that offend you so much?

Also in terms of your comment If the OW is just a "wanksock" then how does this reflect on the wife? If a man is willing to risk it all for only a "wanksock" then he must place no value in his marriage at all?
it’s very well known that men can compartmentalise sex from love. Many are thrill seekers, this probably has a lot to do with genetics and them having more testosterone etc so it really doesn’t say anything about the wife but more so the husband. The fact that the Op went into this knowingly says a lot about her though. Plus the OP also said it was just sex not anything romantic so yes it would seem this man is a risk taker and just wants sex without considering his family, which he would more than likely be utterly devastated if he lost them . So yes it makes complete sense.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
Fuckit ok I'll bite. So, an OW can't bag a single man - but she can bag the man who promised to love and cherish you till death do you part...

Explain how is having just sex, not being romanced “bagging” anything? Again if no-commitment sex and being used at the husbands disposal is something that you regard to as the OP “bagging” then again your perception is really flawed .

OP firstly don't get involved with a married man, unless he is properly separated. I'm sure he fed you loads of lines and chased you and he really should leave his wife if he's that disinterested in her that he's sleeping with other women.

I do feel for you because you didn't seek this relationship but you must see sense now - if he wanted you then he would be with you. You have done well to cut him off. You can find other men on dating sites etc. The single ones will offer you so much more than this fool ever could.

I disagree with the vitriol of some of the posts to the OP on here too - this MM pursued her, she shouldn't have succumbed but he is the really vile one. MM who cheat tend to do it because something is missing in the marriage. I don't think there's such a thing as a happily married man who cheats. They are vile though.

Affairs are 100% the responsiblity of the married partner who voluntarily chooses to have sex with another person against their marital vows.

Blaming the OW if it's a married man is misogynistic shit.

It is not the responsibility of the OW.

trigger warning

The last time I checked if a man rapes a woman, the woman isn't to blame because oh yes that's right the man is in control of and responsible for his actions.

Same is true of affairs. An OW isn't a mythic siren luring a MM to her bed with magic FFS.

100% married partners responsibility and that is the case whether its a MM or a MW

Comparing a victim of rape to an OW who has willingly consented to sex with a MM is by far the most offensive comment on this thread.

And not a single person has absolved the MM of his responsibility in this.

Fuckit, some affairs go on for years and are not just about sex. OP preferred 'just sex' as did married man. It's really not my perception that's flawed but I don't think we'll see eye to eye on this other than a basic agreement that affairs aren't a good thing.

@WhatToSayNoIdea don’t think anyone has said on this thread that the husband is blame free not a total dick but there’s a level of morality that’s missing when an OW decides to engage in a affair with someone that she is quite aware is unavailable. It’s aboyt being a decent human being you know?

All our decisions have impacts on others, negative and positive.

The vitriol directed towards the OP has made for uncomfortable reading but bringing rape in to this as some sort of comparison for defence just hit a new low, "trigger warning" or not and I'm reporting this thread. This getting really nasty. As a married woman I am by no means supportive of OW, however as an adult I understand that normal people sometimes do shit things.

And FYI if you had ANY fucking idea about rape you would understand just how fucking offensive it is to put it in the same bracket as the concensual decision to have an affair.

If even a fraction of what he said was true then you have to see he would never leave or be open about the affair, and you would always just be a toy in the cupboard. But the reality is he's intent on keeping up the facade that he isn't having an affair which tells you he wants to keep his wife. He has fed you the classic lines about the state of his marriage they are pretty much textbook.
These weren't rules, they were actions designed to be discreet about the affair.
It may be to keep his kids it may be he likes his wife. It's likely he wanted to be adored

I think you need to show more character for want of a better phrase, it sounds like you are seen as a wallflower trying hard and that may appeal to guys looking for a gap filler but not to someone looking for a deep and lasting relationship.
What is your sense of humour
What are you passionate about
What style do you go for in how you dress
Do you switch personality depending on the company
What are your politics
Who is your best friend and why

Be someone not an appeaser or pleaser just decide who you are and be that.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Yes some affairs do go on for years and their maybe emotional attachment involved but the OW is still a secret , accepting to meet the husband on his terms, when is good for him so as not to blow his cover , all of this is designed to keep things sweet and unchanged with the wife. It is scraps when you really look at it and not something I would refer to as “bagging” .

Luna, that's not what WhatToSay did. Your earlier sneery comment to the OP though clearly demonstrates where you think the blame lies so regardless, you feel that the OW is to blame as so many women do.

Your comment that nobody's absolved the man of his responsibility is moot really as most are not even referencing him never mind making snide comments. He is fully responsible, he broke his vows and made all the choices that came after that.

I can understand contempt for OW in general I suppose, it's hard to be angry at somebody you love who you thought loved you, but that's no excuse to vilify the OP.

Totally agree with @AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen & @lunatrap regarding the rape comparison. Couldn’t quite believe what I was reading...

Luna - I've missed a bit of WhatToSay's post, apologies - no - rape is ALWAYS the fault of the rapist, always.

Responsibility for affairs is that of the married party. Sometimes both are married.

Fuckit well 'bagging' isn't a term that I use myself, it's for sporting awards I thought? But whatever term - the married partner thinks more of their own wants and needs than of their marriage vows and the good of their spouse. I don't think that can be disputed.

As uncomfortable as it is, the spouse is possibly the only one not being lied to. That is what's most wrong.

This is not the forum for OWs to get support. It's just not.

Especially in the manner you've posted about it. When I read the title...I thought ...is she serious.

MM lose interest frequently... they go back and forth with what's known as the push pull. It sends the OW crazy... but it happens to OMs as well.. because occasionally married people having affairs do feel guilty. They won't tell you that...but pulling back at times is due to guilt.

Other times things are going well st home...so he has less need for you. Or there may be family issues taking his time and he doesnt want to tell you that. He doesnt want you embroiled in his life apart from the sex.

There was a great support forum for the 'other which has shut down... but try googling others.

Affairs will erode what little self esteem you have. Over the years I've supported OWs who got pregnant for the MM.. some got terminations...others delivered the baby alone as MM was on his way to the hospital and never made it.

It's soul destroying... it's not the answer and you would benefit from counselling yo learn more about yourself.

Picking unavailable men is sometimes a protective mechanism...because when they drop you..you see it as they couldn't commit anyway. Youre trying to save yourself the pain...but you're still experiencing it because much as you deny it...youre emotionally invested/attached. It wouldn't bother you otherwise.

A reasonable looking woman her get sex easily. As others have said..try Tinder...and it might actually turn into a relationship.

OP is being criticised because she is the one who started a thread bemoaning her lack of progress in this relationship with seemingly zero regard for the wife involved. That doesn't mean anybody is absolving the man of blame. Have you seen the comments cheating men get when they start threads?

I guess it is a difference of values. I think we are all responsible as individuals for our actions. I don't think it is okay to contribute to the deceit, violation of consent, pain, gaslighting and everything else involved in an affair just because you haven't personally made vows to someone.