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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married man losing interest and I feel like shit

462 replies

touchoffree · 14/07/2018 19:18

I know this is wrong but I've been seeing a married man for the last four months. Tbh I'm not capable finding my own relationship as men never want me.

This man pursued me for ages and eventually I gave in. Initially he couldn't get enough but just like all the other men he is now bored. His wife accused him of cheating and today he told me he can no longer text me at the weekends. So I got annoyed and told him I was fed up of all the rules, to which he has accused me of being too needy.

I feel horrible now and hate the fact he thinks I need attention. I've tried to be so laid back but it's hard when I have no commitment from him. He's stopped texting me back so that's it really.

Not sure how to make myself feel any better? I just feel really frustrated that he isn't replying to my messages and I want to scream. I'm so disgusted with myself for another failed attempt at making something work. Even someone that I don't really want doesn't want me.

Tell me it gets better please?

OP posts:
touchoffree · 15/07/2018 12:11

After sex we usually get on with our day as it's just really about the sex? I didn't ever want to get feelings for him so therefore we don't do any of the other stuff. To me cuddling after sex, talking, watching tv etc is not fuck buddy behaviour and if that was the case I know I would want more from them.

OP posts:
BlancheM · 15/07/2018 12:11

Just, PPs were referencing the Madonna/whore complex. They weren't calling women whores.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/07/2018 12:11

Everything about you just sounds incredibly dull. Even the way you write. There’s nothing funny or vivacious. Your just a dull 30 something year old with no morals so best of luck finding someone as boring as you.

Justtheonequestion · 15/07/2018 12:12

Ah ok i thought they were referring to my point and saying i was inferring op or ows in general are whores. I dont think that, but i do think they are nasty pieces of work.

LunaTrap · 15/07/2018 12:13

So what is the point of your OP then, complaining about lack of commitment, being unable to make something work etc, if it is just about sex?

Justtheonequestion · 15/07/2018 12:16

But if its a shag you want get on tinder?
I dont believe for a minute you dont have feelinfs for him. If he offered to leave her youd be thrilled.
This is counterproductive because they will never leave for you. You are showing them who you are-men want wives who they see as respectful and loyal. You arent those things, double standards i know. You are just someones wank sock.
You thrive on the attention but its the wrong attention and will make you feel shit.
You can have more if you want it. Are you so low on self worth that your partner wont text you on a weekend?

ThanosSavedMe · 15/07/2018 12:16

I’m not sure what you were expected eating from this thread. Sympathy?

You’re upset that amartoed man is unable to commit to you. What planet are you on?

End the relationship now, work on your yourself and your self esteem.

keepingbees · 15/07/2018 12:20

Of course he's lost interest. He has a wife. You were never more than a conquest to him. He got what he wanted which was a shag and an ego boost.

Justtheonequestion · 15/07/2018 12:23

Andy post was meant to be constructive. You are worth more than this

badtime · 15/07/2018 12:25

OP, the reason this bothers you is because you don't think he is good enough for you and he is still rejecting you. Like, how dare he?

You really need to raise your standards. Work out what you want and only go with people you are actually interested in. It's counter-intuitive, but the reason nobody status with you is because your standards are too low, and you don't go for people you actually like and are compatible with.

Also, you should feel bad about seeing a married man. If you don't, that is probably also a sign of your complete lack of self respect.

Stop dating and work on building up your self esteem/respect without male input.

WickedLazy · 15/07/2018 12:26

Op do you have many friends? I know you go out a lot, and are part of various clubs etc. I mean people you can just hang with at home, watch the telly and drink tea. Play a board or card game with. Get lost in music together? Enjoy an ice cream or a walk with. Do you have anyone you can confide in, irl?

I have to feel like I'm at least friends with someone, before I sleep with them, or I feel used. I think the best sex is with someone you also enjoy spending non sex time with? My fuck buddy and I don't always have sex, when he comes over. Sometimes just having a munch, a cuddle and watching a boxset together is nice too? Even if it is only once a fortnight or every few weeks.

touchoffree · 15/07/2018 12:33

@Wellfuckmeinbothears sorry I didn't realise I was supposed to make this thread a comedy! As I have got enough negative posts already... just imagine if I had also found the whole thing funny!

OP posts:
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/07/2018 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2018 12:38

Justtheone, do you ever re-read the nonsense you type before you hit 'post'? Men do sometimes leave their wives for OW. Most posters here would tell you that a man leaving will always have an OW waiting in the wings even.

The fact that you call another woman a 'wank sock' makes me think you despicable. Perhaps you are damaged? Perhaps your own husband left you/will leave you and you're lashing out - but you have no excuse.

I'm not going to report your post, people should see what you are. Vile.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2018 12:41

Wellfuckme... you're another one. Why do you and posters like you rush to dive to the bottom in your insults? You have no idea about the OP and I can't stand by and let go the pathetic lashing out.

PotteryGirl · 15/07/2018 12:45

Christ Almighty there’s some truly horrible posting going on over here...I cannot imagine the content of the posts that have been MNHQ deleted when I see the hatefulness of the posts that have been left up.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 15/07/2018 12:45

You really remind me of a friend of mine. She, like you, was not a bad person, she just made a fuck load of really had decisions. Including an awful "relationship" with a married man. She used to get her validation as "good enough" from men wanting her. The guys she was attracted to were always the same always chased her and then dropped her like a hot potato after a few months. She had extensive counselling in the end and discovered major issues regarding her absolute scumbag of a father and how it impacted on her perpetual choice of awful men. It really helped her. I'm not saying you have any deep issues or anything, but it might worth having a think about who you go for and why. Maybe start looking for some (unattached) men who don't fit your usual type.

Ps I appreciate you need to talk, but maybe a forum where there are reams and reams of posts from heartbroken women who have been cheated on is not the best place to get unbiased advice.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/07/2018 12:45

Because women who knowingly sleep with married men are vile.

God, you’re so right...what the world needs is someone to fucking defend adulters. For what it’s worth “you’re another one” too.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/07/2018 12:46

And what’s pathetic is being so bloody boring you can’t find a man of your own.

WickedLazy · 15/07/2018 12:54

Op I just want to explain I do think your "good enough", I assume you're normal, clean, and well groomed. You have a good education and job, you have interests and hobbies. You're active so probably fairly "fit". You're a normal "catch". But are you a good person?

Have you slept with me who were in long term relationships before? If not, why now?If you really deep down, don't see why sleeping with this guy, to suit yourself (and to get off?), is bad, that shows a true lack of morals and empathy? Would you describe yourself as a reasonably caring, considerate person? Anyways, "tomorrow is a new day". The sooner you stop seeing this man, the easier and more stress free your life gets?

OffTheyWentToTheCircusWATrump · 15/07/2018 12:56

@touchoffree

First off ignore all the vitriolic nasty posts if you can. They aren't about you; they are about the poster's own life fears and problems.

I think you have a number of issues here that you have lumped together into one big one but actually they are all different.

THIS MM LOSING INTEREST Actually that is pretty normal in an affair set up. In most affairs, the MM will not leave and has no intention of leaving the marriage. He has a cosy social set up probably has children he loves and doesn't want to lose contact with and probably likes his wife even if they aren't "in love". So an affair is about sex and being made to feel good/centre of attention BUT in a situation where there is a lot to lose.

Sex/lust in early stages is a very very powerful driving force. It makes people (men and women) behave like idiots - Bill Clinton who had a hell of a lot to lose is a prime example. The power of lust means that a MM in early affair stages will be extra- keen and make his mistress feel swept off her feet.

It will wear off though because that new relationship energy (a polyamorous term but a good description of the fun of new lust) does not last. In an affair, the MM will then start to get a dose of reality and the fear of losing what he values (his family, his social circle, his wife, his financial situation) will kick in and start to override his inclination to behave like a sex ferret.

In a normal relationship, if a person is looking for a life companion and is single and there are other things to keep them interested (shared interests, shared life goals, shared point in life journey and so on) they will stay together. THAT is totally absent in an affair as there is a little prospect of it becoming the primary relationship.

So him losing interest is normal I'm afraid in an affair. It's not about you. It would happen whether you were a super-model brain box or an A-list beautiful actress.

SOLUTIONThe only solution to this is to end it yourself. You will feel better if you take control and dump him; you won't like it but you'll at least feel in control and its better than being dumped yourself especially by a MM. Tell him directly its over then delete all his contact information and block him on any social media you share with him.

YOU KEEP HAVING AFFAIRS WITH MM A one off may be put down to a genuine love/attraction/crazy lust but if it keeps happening, it is almost certainly to do with low self esteem in two ways.

You fear no one really wants you and you will always get rejected, so an easy way to deal with that is to hook up with a man who is not available. It means you can mentally comfort yourself with the fact that it isn't really rejection when he ends it, because he was never yours to start with.

You also feel that you don't deserve happiness so you subconciously set yourself up in a situation where you know you will not get happiness but will get pain.

SOLUTION Big challenge here - but you need to re-build your self esteem which is obviously rock bottom. Start by avoiding relationships and dumping this man. Then take a good hard look at your life - what don't you like about yourself? Then work on changing whatever it is. Feel unattractive - get down the gym, get fit. Feel you have no friends - start doing regular activities where you meet the same people regularly - a course, volunteering in the same place, a club. Spend time only with people who genuinely like you, avoid people who put you down and make you feel like shit.

ALL RELATIONSHIPS ENDING WHEN MAN LOSES INTEREST This is a different problem again because a single man is in a very different position to a MM.

I think again this is likely to be related to your self esteem. Low self esteem leads to bad decisions - picking bad men because that's all you feel you deserve; staying in a bad relationship trying to make it work when you can see they aren't careing for you and you should walk away.

SOLUTION Take a break from dating, work on your self esteem and then when you feel better approach dating like you would finding a job that is your dream job. You'd think about exactly what you'd want that would make you happy in a job and then go and look for THAT job or one like it. Focussing on your values and interests is a better way to go than looks for example. Eharmony as a dating site has this type of approach but there are others.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

Mammyofasuperbaby · 15/07/2018 12:57

Op gave you thought that men are not getting bored of you but rather settling in to a less intense but equally fulfilling relationship but because of your low self esteem you become clingy and drive them away.
You need to drop this man and then think about what you really want from a relationship. You deserve so much more but being the other woman will never get you what you want or need and will damage your self esteem fruther

Eminado · 15/07/2018 13:02

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

So many insecure and spiteful women posting

What?
Telling someone that a relationship with a married man is a hiding to nothing isn’t “insecure and spiteful”.
It’s the truth!

Going out of your way to justify the unjustifiable and/or OBVIOUS is pretty pathetic, I would say.

What outcome did the OP expect?! Seriously?

OffTheyWentToTheCircusWATrump · 15/07/2018 13:03

I also read somewhere that when dealing with self esteem a good tip is to focus on comparing yourself with yourself and not with others.

As in "am I a better version of myself than I was yesterday or last month or this time last year? Is my life better than it was last month?"

Yes because
I'm healthier
or I stopped smoking
or I hated my hair and got a better hair cut that suited me
or I stopped seeing Jean from accounts who was always criticising me.
or I dumped the nasty MM who was treating me like a sex toy.

That sort of thinking. I doesn't matter how you are improving your life and yourself - its' all about you.

Bench mark yourself against yourself so you keep moving forward.

PeakPants · 15/07/2018 13:07

That’s a good tip OffTheyWent

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