Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

999 replies

Lily007 · 10/07/2018 10:42

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Original poster
Lily007 · 13/07/2018 15:38

Hi everyone

XH texted me this morning whilst I was at work to ask if he could call at the house some time today to collect a couple of things out of the loft.

I very nearly collapsed just seeing his name appear on my phone! I replied he could call at 1 pm and asked that he text me when he was done.

I was finishing work at 12 noon today, so I drove home, collected paperwork and anything I didn’t want him to see and put everything in my car, making sure the house was ultra tidy 😉. I then put the dog in the car and drove to a nearby reservoir. I wasn’t having him upset the poor dog by leaving him again!

I walked around the reservoir in a bit of a daze and feeling like I was going to chuck up. He texted at 1.20 “ta I’m done”.

It’s ridiculous how he still manages to reduce me to a quivering wreck.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/07/2018 15:49

Well you handled it well Lilly.

And he doesn't know about the quivering wreck thing.

What did he want from loft? I wonder if he was thinking he was creating an opportunity to speak to you, either about the house, or to say you were waiting and made it hard for him.

tootstastic · 13/07/2018 15:50

I too think XH felt like he'd burned his bridges, so needs to make the best of the shit situation he's in. His ego is too big just to walk away with his tail between his legs. He has to make out he's having an amazing time, even if he's not.

Ooh bet that text felt strange lily?! I wonder if he really needed something out of the loft or whether he'd hoped to speak to you? I think you did the right thing though, esp re:the dog. He doesn't deserve someone to be pleased to see him when he comes round!

tootstastic · 13/07/2018 15:50

Great minds think alike Bluntness, or fools seldom differ Grin

Bluntness100 · 13/07/2018 15:52

Yeah, I'm wondering if this was an excuse. He's going to have to break cover if he wants to open dialogue about divorcing. I'm wondering if this is like social media, trying to goad a reaction.

tootstastic · 13/07/2018 15:53

Exactly, I'm thinking what could be so important in the loft that he couldn't have just bought another one...he's not short of a bob or two. Ulterior motive I reckon.

Original poster
Lily007 · 13/07/2018 16:12

Apparently golf shoes and golf bag. Whether he got them I’ve no idea but the shed keys had been moved so he’s also been looking in there too.

I was hoping perhaps he’d leave his house key but he hasn’t.

He won’t have been expecting me to be here as when I responded to his text I asked him to text me when he was done.

I know I shouldn’t get worked up but any contact really unsettles me.

Thank goodness I keep the house clean and tidy, wouldn’t want him thinking I was doing a Miss Havisham 🙈

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/07/2018 16:26

Well maybe he did need them, but anyone who keeps his golf shoes in the loft ain't no avid golfer...

And of course it unsettles you!

Bluntness100 · 13/07/2018 16:27

Maybe he just wanted a nosey round the house,..

Original poster
Lily007 · 13/07/2018 16:29

He hasn’t played for about 4 years. I assume it’ll be a work thing.

Yeah he probably had a good nosey round, looking for the dog 😂

OP posts:
AgathaF · 13/07/2018 16:45

Wow, of course you were unsettled! I wonder what he'd have said/done if you'd been at home when he turned up. Twenty mins is fairly quick too, to be in and out of the loft and in and out of the shed.

Have you made many changes at home? Decorated different colours or moved stuff around significantly? I do hope so.

TotallyCoffeeFocused · 13/07/2018 16:58

I know this is a different scenario to the OP's but my point is to illustrate that speculation about the OPs husband's motives in remaining NC is pointless at best and damaging at worst.

A friend of mine and his wife went virtually NC for 6 months when he left. His motive was to give her time to get used to the idea of their marriage being over in the hope that she'd come round to the idea (and he wouldn't have to face up to the pain he'd caused her).

In the absence of any communication from him about the practicalities of separation and divorce she and her friends/family created a scenario that he was depressed, would come to his senses and return to her.

When they finally met up to talk after he got in touch she was expecting him to say he was coming back but he told her he'd met someone else and wanted to talk about their divorce.

The resulting sh*tstorm was of epic proportions. NC backfired spectacularly on them both.

TotallyCoffeeFocused · 13/07/2018 17:10

Likewise with the speculation about why he came round to the house. Maybe he errr...just wanted to pick up his golf clubs and golf shoes?

Why try to create drama PPs? It's distasteful and unkind to the OP. Encouraging her to analyse his motives and pick over what he might or might not have been thinking isn't helpful.

Opportunitynox · 13/07/2018 17:25

Hi Lily, hope this hasn't upset you too much and that it doesn't spoil your weekend.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/07/2018 17:38

If it happens again, is there any way (or would you feel better) if you said "What do you want?" and then got it yourself and either left it on the porch/garage/wherever at a pre-set time or had it delivered to him (at his expense)?

I'd just hate the idea of an ex being in the house. When I kicked my ex out I bought new furniture and rearranged everything I couldn't replace to 'banish' his presence. I also wafted sage through the house to get rid of his negative 'vibes'.

He was only ONCE allowed back in was we had to file joint taxes. He tried to sexually assault me. Why I didn't think to meet in a public place I don't know.

eleventwinkles · 13/07/2018 17:45

Just wondered Lily, if, when your H started with the tattoos, steroids and gym visits did you or anyone suggest a MLC to him?

Does anyone know if this makes any difference to someone going through a one if it is pointed out to them?

I have verbal diarrhoea so would have made a statement like "god I hope you're not having a MLC"! Just wondering!

I do see what PP's are saying about their partners turning to aliens pretty much overnight but if I had to put money on it I think it's a classic MLC. Not that it makes it any more forgiving. He's still an absolute shit!

tootstastic · 13/07/2018 17:47

@TotallyCoffeeFocused No drama here, just thinking out loud...which is what we normally do on this thread. And I don't think there is any danger of Lily deluding herself that her XH will somehow come back and sweep her off her feet like your friend. Sometimes it just helps to talk things out...no biggie.

AgathaF · 13/07/2018 17:51

Good idea Acrossthepond.

TotallyCoffeeFocused · 13/07/2018 18:07

@tootstastic Did you read my first paragraph? I specifically said this my point is to illustrate that speculation about the OPs husband's motives in remaining NC is pointless at best and damaging at worst to try to avoid people missing the point saying something like I don't think there is any danger of Lily deluding herself that her XH will somehow come back and sweep her off her feet.

It just seems to me that for some the plain facts aren't juicy enough and it's bit goulish to pick over the reality of someone else's life speculating about something more 'exciting'.

As PPs have said - who cares what his motives are and what he's up to?

Dard · 13/07/2018 18:27

I think he has had his holiday clearly posted photos on sm which he knew would trickle through to lily and she still has not reacted.
He is a narcissist and will hate it however much attention he is getting from ow.
He has used dog as an excuse before now golfclubs.
Sure he is unsettled as he is not in control or being begged to return.
So stupid prick will be sitting on market stall with skank having now been ostracized by longterm friends and family hopefully he is feeling 1% of lily's pain.
Maybe reality hitting.
Stay strong Lily shows how lovely you are thinking of your little dogxxx

Dard · 13/07/2018 18:35

And yes agree who cares what his motives are his problem

eleventwinkles · 13/07/2018 18:53

As PPs have said - who cares what his motives are and what he's up to?

Whilst I agree with what you're saying the reality is that you are going to care what the motives of your husband of 25 years are and also what he is up to.

It really is just so easy to say.

beeefcake · 13/07/2018 19:14

Wow Lily you handled that fucking perfectly. Good for you and your dog ☺️☺️ what breed is he by the way?

And yes him seeing your beautiful house all immaculate has given him a taste of what he has given up.

Dard · 13/07/2018 19:16

Im sure has absolutely knocked lily for six but nothing has changed,yes he is testing the waters shine probably come off skank.
I think he is trying to poke Lily

Floradoranora · 13/07/2018 19:27

could do this 'cutting people out' thing

Its also the sign of a personality disorder and can be nothing to do with ASD.

I speak from experience of being in a situation where ASD was entirely possible but in the end it came down to the PD. Telling the difference between the two can be difficult but it can be done.