Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

[Lily007]

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

I don't think he set out to have an affair. It was more than likely he just got into a conversation with SK (skanky cow) after a couple of drinks. One thing led to another, basically offered to him on a plate. He was flattered, it was exciting, a bit of fun. Until reality hit, you found out and confronted him. It was just sex. Unfortunately in the heat of the moment he walked out. Sadly neither of you would back down and make contact, time passed. She took advantage of this and got her claws in. Given time you may have reconciled.
He has just literally finished up in a situation, he never intended to be. He probably thinks there is no way back, so he is sticking with her, because it is better than the alternative, on his own.

HE was the one who was married, yet somehow you have made this the fault of the other woman and he has come off looking like an innocent deer caught in the headlights.
Even saying she got her claws in and took advantage, I'm sorry, but he knew he was married, even if a woman stood before him completely naked, he still should have said no. The blame should fairly be laid on the man. He actually made a choice when he began this relationship with her and he's continued to even now.

Bluntness. I thought I’d already mentioned it, but everything was absolutely fine until around the second/third week of January this year. He became really distracted and not himself but I couldn’t really put my finger on it.

I asked him on a number of occasions if there was something bothering him, he said he was fine. I discovered the steroids end of January so put his moods down to that.

Discovered the affair mid March!!!

Until mid January all seemed absolutely normal. We’d had a lovely Christmas, I was the love of his life, he loved me so much he would die for me. Had a weekend away booked for April and a 2 week holiday booked for July. Absolutely no clue there were any problems until January.

Ah ok, i see Lilly.i understand.

Then, because I'm the only one who is actually legally allowed to be blunt (bangs gavel) what a shitty, shitty, way he has behaved. 🙁

It’s very easy for people to sit behind a keyboard and say move on, in reality it’s not that simple at all. Just ignore the posters who are trying to wind you up lily. YOU are the one left picking up the pieces and it’s YOU we want to help. I personally think your XH is going to plod on and keep the situation as it is for some time. Unless he plans on marrying this OW (which I can’t see happening) I don’t think he has any reason to invite grief into his life. He knows if he stops paying the bills or requests a divorce then that’s when things won’t be so easy for him. At the minute you’re giving him no trouble and I think he will want to keep it that way for as long as he can.

It must have been such a horrendous shock, Lily. For those who are telling you to move on etc - 25 years is a fucking long time to be with someone. You must have felt like the rug was pulled from underneath your feet completely. I think you're doing fabulously.

I think those who are suggesting it are not meaning get a new man or completely forget everything.

I haven't suggested moving on, but possibly moving away from them being the focus to which Lily keeps getting drawn back and take control back herself. Make sure she guarantees her moods, and not photos of them, facebook posts. Do things she enjoys, go out where she enjoys and don't let them be such a focus.

The thread is called starting over, so clearly it's something that's desired, to start over and take back control of her life.

Bethy. I’ve never defended his actions anywhere on this thread.

It’s a given that he’s the guilty party, that’s never been disputed but please don’t trivialise OW’s role in the debarcle.

She knew he was married so she should have told him to piss off. She isn’t an innocent party, if you become involved with a married man, knowing him to be married, you’re a party to the deceit.

I would never, under any circumstances, get involved with a married man because it’s just plain wrong. Do you think differently?

Best way to explain it, the case of Craig and Bentley. Craig shoots a policeman, Bentley’s with him. Craig’s a minor so escapes the death penalty, Bentley, who didn’t do the shooting is of age so gets the death penalty. An accomplice is a party to the crime and is therefore punished.

Bethy. As I asked Smell what’s your experience of a breakup.

We’re you married?
If so, for how long?
What caused the break up?

I have no problem with people expressing their opinions and/or advice, provided those people have been in my position.

I think you are doing amazingly too Lily.

Like you mentioned to one of the less encouraging posters - you loved your H for 25 years - you're not made of stone, so every piece of news you hear (especially brazen declarations of love) will shoot through you like an arrow.

I am a big believer in karma - he (and OW) will get all of this hurt back in spades.

I also think this is very apt......

If another woman steals your man, there's no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen.

Chin up Lily and I hope you enjoy your night out at the weekend

Yes Eleven. I’ve seen that saying on quite a few websites over the last few months.

You’re right in what you say. I loved him so very much and I’m obviously very hurt at how cruel he’s become.

I’d never take him back, under any circumstances, I’d never believe a word he said but I’m mourning the loss of my kind, loving, considerate husband not the cruel, deceitful, callous man he’s become.

I think some posters get impatient. Looking from the outside it's easy to say 'ah well, he clearly didn't love you as much as you thought, he behaved badly, cut him loose and get on with your life.' It's very easy to think, and say, on a forum like this. Especially if you've had a relationship that you moved on from very quickly.

But everyone's experience is different. Nobody can, or should, say 'you should...' do anything. There is no right or wrong way to grieve a lost relationship, everybody does what feels right for them at the time.

I know some might disagree, but I think there are some women who do set out to entice someone, especially a married man who can be blown away by such sudden attention.

I had a good friend who I extracted from my life after a few years as her catchphrase when going out was "I could have any man in this room", and she usually could cause she literally threw herself at the poor sods. She also worked her way through many of her friends husbands I had the sense to extract myself before hubby appeared on the scene. She was a damaged person, ultimately, but was dangerous and unrepentant on her actions. Shameless was the term I would apply historically.

Of course, a man of integrity should say no. But life isn't always as neat as that. If someone pursues you, it can be intoxicating. Doesn't give the man a pass, but I have seen men in long term relationships who should know better falling for this situation.

However, these relationships don't last long as this type of woman is in love with the chase, the thrill and falling in love. A few shiny money baubles also help attract them and if these don't materialise, interest wanes quite quickly.

Now, I don't know if the OW here is like that, but it does sound familiar.

Lily, I would also prepare for him trying to come back at some point, battered and bruised once the infatuation burns out. What you do if that happens is your business.

Just my experience of such situations, of course.

As I've said before, love of my life my arse. As if.

It's him getting the tattoo I'm most baffled by

I think the tattoo would indicate this was a longer relationship than was known. Personally I don't understand why he is flaunting his relationship. In the context of him being very happy in the marriage, kind, loving etc, it makes no sense for someone to suddenly be purposefully cruel and to alienate their friendship group by deliberately continuing to do it. It makes no sense.

When someone sets out to hurt an ex as he is, and he's been told and knows Lilly sees it, he even blocked her from his Instagram before she found out about the affair, there is normally a reason, but in this context, it seems he's just being a cruel bastard for the sake of it. It's very odd.

Or he's excessively infatuated. Remember those intense teenage feelings, when you go a bit crazy? He's having that now by the sounds of it. For whatever reason.

It will all end in tears, by which time Lily will be stronger and resilient and able to make choices with a clear mind of what she wants from life.

My post was towards another poster who blamed the other woman and stated she was the source of the problem.

I cannot say for sure I would not be involved with a married man, only because I know how they lie. Many women become involved with married men who are told they are actually single, so it's impossible to say you could never be involved as you never know when they are lying.

Men also say they are in dead marriages or are separated but just living together. I find they lie to both parties involved, the wife and the mistress.

She may be guilty, but she is not the source of the problem, he is. He was married and if it wasn't her it could have been another woman. I could go into why we women are conditioned to blame other women, but that's another story.

I have not had a marriage break up, but I've had familial relationships where I've been betrayed and had to go NC, relationships built from birth and for longer than 25 years. I found not obsessing over what they were doing/saying about me the best way to move forwards too.
I also have other experiences, but I'm not going to share those.

I believe focusing on you and less on their movements will help you.But it's not just me, even Bluntness has said similar last night.

Good luck with everything. Even if you don't take my advice seriously, still try to focus on you everyday, they are not worth so much of your energy, but you are. Put yourself fist.

Hi Lily, I posted on earlier threads of yours. Good to see you're still going.

I do see what Bethy is getting at in that I can imagine he wasn't thinking of more than a casual fling until it all came out in the open. However it's shitty behaviour by both of them. Cheating by anyone, whether you're the married one or your partner in crime is, isn't fair!

I don't think he ever wanted more than a casual fling. I don't think he ever planned for his life to look like this now. I don't think he planned at all, he just fell into it.

Four months is no time at all to move on. In some ways I think the nc makes it harder. Lily has lots of questions and no answers. She's not had the opportunity to vent her anger on him, apart from the day she found out. Although the nc is helpful in lots of ways, in some ways it might be preventing closure too. Although I don't think for one minute that if Lily and exh were to have some form of dialogue that he would be honest or kind now, perhaps back at the beginning it might have provided some sort of answers.

This thread has certainly attracted more than its fair share of unkind, goady comments. As zaphod said, some posters are impatient. They seem to lose sight of the fact that this is comeone's life, and that someone is hurting but doing their very best to get through the pain.

In some ways I think the nc makes it harder. Lily has lots of questions and no answers. She's not had the opportunity to vent her anger on him, apart from the day she found out. Although the nc is helpful in lots of ways, in some ways it might be preventing closure too. Although I don't think for one minute that if Lily and exh were to have some form of dialogue that he would be honest or kind now, perhaps back at the beginning it might have provided some sort of answers

I agree with this.

Yeah I think the whole no contact thing from both sides isn't helping.

It's kind of unusual really. For both sides to go totally no contact immediately and without any further discussion.

I think we all agree that focusing on the activities of OW and H is not healing and that starting up a new life with self focus is the ideal way forward.

However, it must feel like an impossible task for Lily to actually do that. I know that I would really struggle.
In a relationship of that length it would be like losing a part of yourself. Your identity is as part of a couple - 'your other half' - not just to yourself but how you identify with the rest of the world.

Some people may be better than others at adjusting to change (and change on this scale). Making new habits will help but I truly believe that time is the main healer.

For now Lily - vent away and let it all out on here.

*Yeah I think the whole no contact thing from both sides isn't helping.

It's kind of unusual really. For both sides to go totally no contact immediately and without any further discussion*

I think it's a bit of a stalemate. I think that the inevitable first moment of contact is going to very difficult when XH finally does get in contact re negotiations about finances/the house etc.

You're probably right butter, something that started then just dragged on to a level that wasn't envisaged.

Contact to be fair though doesn't have to be direct, it can all be done via solicitors. In reality Lilly doesn't likely have to speak to him ever again. Which has pros and cons.

Eleven I'm sure that's right. A very long relationship, probably for most of your married life, is not going to be easy to move on from, especially when that relationship has been a happy one. Just the fact that your exH is no longer the man you knew and loved must be so disorientating Lily.

I think you were talking about joining a gym? Did you ever do it?

It would be so good if mediation was mandatory for acrimonious splits. Where you get to sit down calmly and ask questions and get responses to "what was all that about"?

Unfortunately these conversations we would like to happen will probably never take place.

I can relate to some of Lily's situation. Happened to me over 20 years ago, but the impact was unbelievable. I went to visit family for a few days, came back and my DP was like a different person. It was shocking. The man who kept wanting us to have a baby etc only days before suddenly announced he loved me, but as a friend. Turned out he met someone when I was away and decided to change track. He was, quite literally, a different person. Cold, brutal. It really shook my confidence for a long time and, honestly, I've never quite trusted anyone again at that level.

Never got the closure conversation, and look back now and think 'thank fuck I never got pregnant".

Bottom line? His happiness came first.

Oh, and the new gf was pregnant within months then they split after a year.