Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

[Lily007]

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

You sound a busy bee 🐝 Lily! Great to hear.

Good luck with the teeth whitening. I had mine done about 8 years ago and loved it, but they definitely need redoing...

Ooh that sounds like a good weekend!

And you're going to look fab at the mediation,,,all adds to the confidence..😁

Sounds like you've been having a bad few days, but it's good to know you're feeling better and that you've got plenty of things planned. Hope you have a lovely weekend.

Just picked up the gum things for my teeth whitening Lily, so a little way ahead of you. Don't know how the devil I'll sleep in them!

Glad you're having good days (although the odd bad one is inevitable). I think you're brilliant.

Thanks everyone.

Just back from the dentist. It was a right bloody faff. He put the cement stuff on my bottom teeth and then struggled to get it out!!!! It tasted absolutely awful but hey no pain no gain 😬.

I have to go back in a week to collect the trays and all the gubbins.

OW has got really horrible big yellow teeth (she’s a smoker). It was looking at her horrible photos that made me decide to have mine whitened. I stopped smoking 3 years ago.

Got new black trousers, a new black top with white spots and some black patent brogues for the mediation appt. I could do with being a few pounds lighter but I’ll look smart. OW is really thin, apparently that’s what attracted him to her, it doesn’t really suit her though, she looks pretty haggard facially, not helped by the amount of foundation she uses which settles into the lines around her mouth and eyes. Ooh get me a saucer of milk 😂.

Off out again now to get my nails done 😊.

He was attracted to her because she is really thin - did he announce this on social media or something? What a twat.

Huge lol Lilly. And agree how do you know he was attracted to her because she was skinny. You're hardly big yourself. Your outfit sounds fab.

I also smoke, here's my teeth.sorry it's hard to show a good pic. I use the crest white 3D whitening strips professional supreme which is freely available in America but not here. But there are a few U.K. sellers. They are bloody brilliant.

My teeth are sparkly white. I did them about six months ago, I tried the dentist trays and it didn't have much of an effect on me.

Make sure to take before and after photos.

Oh Lily, nearly spat my tea out reading that. You are so funny. What a massive tw*t KH must be, to give up such a lovely lady for that horrible woman. Honestly, it beggars belief. I'm certain that the rest of your life will be much better than his.

OMG Bluntness. I do hope the whitening treatment using the trays made for me work, I’ve paid £350 for them 🙄. You’re teeth are lovely and white, very unusual for a smoker. I still miss my cigarettes even after 3 years. Actually, I would probably have started again when KH left had it not been for the exorbitant price of £10 per pack. BTW, are you in the UK?

When I discovered the affair, I asked him if she was slim, he replied “very” whilst smirking. Apparently he also told one of the lads how lovely and slim she was whilst he was in Benidorm. The same person was the one who said to my first husband “she might be slim but she’s as ugly as f**k”.

I’ve also seen a photograph of her in a sleeveless too and she’s leaning against him and the top of her arm is all puckered and really wrinkly. I’d hazard a guess that’s she’s been big and lost lots of weight causing excess skin! Very attractive 🤮

I’m not fat by any means, I usually wear a size 12 but I have put weight on over the past few years due to menopause I think. I used to be a size 8 to 10.

I’m going to my first husband’s house tonight for a party, another one that KH will miss 😊. I’m quite looking forward to it actually.

ajandjjmum. You’ll have to let me know how you get on sleeping in the whitening trays. I worry because I have a terrible gag reflex (no smutty remarks please 😜).

I’m also a little worried that it can make your teeth quite sensitive for a few days. I’m sure it’ll be worth it if it works though.

Your teeth will be fine. Yes I'm in the uk, the south east. I did live abroad for awhile though and that's where I had my teeth done by a dentist with the trays, but I think the bleach element was very low. So yours may be different.

I stopped smoking for a year, about a year ago I started back, I put on a load of weight. I'm thinking of stopping again in jan sigh.

Have fun tonight, a few drinks and laughs,,and don't think about ken. At all.

Oh and he's a proper knob if he's making sly remarks about her weight. Serious twat. Honestly you're better off out of it. He really doesn't sound like a nice person at all.

Been getting all my paperwork together this morning in preparation for the joint mediation appointment next week.

Just thinking about coming face to face with KH is making me feel really anxious. It’ll be almost 8 months since I’ve spoken to him and I really don’t know how I’m going to react. I literally feel sick at the thought of it.

I’m sure he’s going to be feeling the same and I’ll try to keep that in my mind, I’m just really worried I’m going to be a quivering wreck. The last thing I want is for him to think I’m pining for him, I want to appear confident and happy but I think it’s going to be challenging to say the very least 😬

Any advice?

Morning!

You could try propranolol from the doctor. It's used to treat anxiety but you can also take one off doses for stressful situations, for example musicians take it for stage fright. I take it when I have big work presentations, as in 250 plus people and it works wonders. You just take it an hour before hand. Might be worth asking.

Past that. Then yes, remember he's shitting it too, plus you're there for a reason. He owes you....

Yes I’m with Bluntness here, propranolol make it physically impossible to shake. I’ve also taken them when doing presentations

Sorry Lily, I've no good advice to offer, I would also be a quivering wreck, but you probably know him better than anyone else and know his weaknesses. Hope you smash it Lily. You deserve to come out of this with as much financial security as possible and with your dignity still intact. Ultimately, I'm sure your life will be happier than his.

Rescue Remedy from the pharmacy is very good for taking the edge off your nerves, completely non-addictive and you could try it out before the meeting. You have said you are well prepared for the meeting, have your notes filed so you can access them easily, take time to answer. One technique I was taught to use when training presentations is to clench and unclench your buttocks! Ha ha sorry ! But it does work as gives you a way to fidget without anyone being able to see

I second the Propranolol. It lowers the heart rate as opposed to sedating you, which can make you groggy. You are going to want to go into any type of negotiations with tip top alertness.

My DS2 has PTSD and the Propranolol has been a big help. The Dr explained to him that since a 'pounding heart' is a symptom of anxiety (which can make anxiety worse), the lowered heart rate induces a feeling of calmness due to the absence of the symptom of stress.

Aw thanks everyone for the advice.

I don’t know if my GP would prescribe something else as I’m already taking 2 lots of anti depressants. Also getting an appointment is quite difficult, normally 2 weeks unless it’s an emergency.

I might be able to get a telephone appointment though 🤔

As you know I went to a party at my first husband’s house on Saturday and someone took a group photo and posted it on IG with the caption “Family ❤️“ and KH liked it within 10 minutes of it being posted 😜. I’m clearly recognisable in the photo. Couldn’t help feeling a little smug 😉

Brilliant x

The thought of his smirking comment makes me cringe Lily, he really is a man who doesn't deserve a wife like you. I hope you can see that now?

I don't bloody blame you feeling smug, you have fantastic friends and family who love you and will never doubt your integrity. Ken on the other hand....

You are going to look so fabulous at the mediation meeting. New clothes, white teeth and you said ages ago you did that facial rejuvenation thing and you've lost weight. That lot will give you lots of confidence, but you really should have inner confidence and be proud of the person you are inside and how you've got through the shit he dropped on you.

Will a friend be with you in the waiting room at the mediation? I reckon you should practice what you want to say on the DDdog, but I realise that could be seriously insulting for DDog 🐶

Hi Lily, I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks when I’m speaking in public (I have to do a bit with work), I take propanalol to stop the racing heart, but I find diazepam great for just taking the edge off my nerves. The doc will only give you what you need if you explain the situation.

But actually I think he will be just as nervous as you, and also know that he’s no longer wanted, or needed by family and friends, that you have all those relationships. He’ll also be aware of how great you look, and just how much he’s let himself go.. be calm, courteous, and show him exactly what he’s thrown away.. but most of all be prepared for everything, know exactly what it is you want to get out of mediation and don’t be afraid to say no or disagree with him. Fake it till you make it regarding confidence.

The doc just needs to prescribe a couple of tabs. Honestly it makes a huge difference, I was getting to the stage I thought my career was over, as this was a key part of it. I actually burst into tears in front of my lovely doctor. She said, "oh, my husband takes this for interviews. Don't worry, there is nothing in them". I've never looked back. I was even told I was a natural and it was an unusual skill set to have, to be able to stand up and talk to such large groups with no nerves.

So honestly Lilly, if you think uou cant do it, and there is no reason to think uou cant, you were married to this man for a long time. get an emergency appt or a telephone one and ask for a couple of tabs. It stops the fight or flight instinct.

But again, you were married to him for a long time. There is nothing to be nervous of. Nothing at all. You can handle him, you know that.

This is exactly me bluntness I often get asked to present in front of customers, as my boss thinks I’m really good at it, little does he know I take the tablets to get me through it. I think it’s more the nerves before I start rather than during, once I’ve got my first few sentences out of the way I calm down.

I also remember taking one just before I had mediation with my ex, I just needed something to calm me down so I could think straight. But tbh, once I got started and realised that I’d been far more prepared than he had, it was a walk in the park. The mediator was great too, stuck to the facts and was very straight forward. They already know, through talking to you, what the score is, and as humans will also have an opinion on what’s fair.

Yes, I think for everyone it's the first five mins, then you're fine. But the first five mins can be a bastard.

I recall getting up on stage and actually being concerned I might fall over as my legs were shaking so much. I couldn't see the crowd as the spotlights were in my eyes, and all I could think was, I'm going to fall over. Another time I downed two glasses of wine and stunk of booze, and I recall someone more senior turning away from me as I breathed on him. I was so embarrassed. Hence the doctor visit and the tears. Now I'm all yeah I'll do it.

This is slightly different though, it's like you bluelady, Lilly knows this man, there is nothing about him that should scare her. The first couple of mins, sure, but anger and determination should take her through.

Lilly I'm guessing within thirty seconds of seeing him youll calm down, but if you're worried there is absolutely a medical answer here.

Just try the old mind trick of thinking of his lardy arse, in speedos with his scrawny, baggy armed girlfriend having no family or friends