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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

999 replies

Lily007 · 10/07/2018 10:42

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

OP posts:
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6
Bluntness100 · 25/09/2018 11:58

Hey there Lilly,

Ach there is no point being annoyed, it's not going to change anything. Just ignore ignore ignore. 😔😔😔

Meeting with the mediator was a good step forward though, when does he have to confirm if he will do mediation or not, is there a time line on it? Surely it will be frowned upon by the courts if he doesn't even attempt it?

ajandjjmum · 25/09/2018 12:51

What a rat! Hopefully you can quietly keep prints of the proof of his spending, which might help with the financial settlement?

Original poster
Lily007 · 25/09/2018 15:21

Hi Bluntness easier said than done, he really is a hard faced twat.

The mediator said she’ll ring him to arrange his appointment and will then let me know if he’s willing to attend a joint session. I just have a feeling he’ll refuse especially when she provides him with the list of documents he’ll need to provide.

ajandjjmum I do keep photos of everything 👍.

I’m really struggling financially and he must know it 😟

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Lovethesun100 · 25/09/2018 16:49

What an absolute arse to let you struggle financially !! This was all his doing and all about what he wants to do with his life , he could at least do the decent thing and leave you in a financially secure position Flowers

Bluntness100 · 25/09/2018 17:22

He would have to provide them to a court though wouldn't he? So maybe he woild he willing to do mediation? Clutches at straws.

Is there a way to play hardball back? Say you can't afford to pay the mortgage and, you know, live, as such he either ups the money or itnwill be repossessed?

Original poster
Lily007 · 25/09/2018 18:42

Hi Lovethesun. Yes he’s just a selfish twat.

Bluntness. I’m just crossing everything that he agrees to mediate.

I’ve phoned the building society today to ask if I can pay interest only for a few months, they flatly refused. Their view is if I can’t afford to pay, he will have to pay it. Very helpful..........NOT!!!

Honestly, I’m absolutely worn out with all this shit and my fibromyalgia is raging because I’m so stressed.

Neither KH or his minging skank deserve any happiness 😡

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MsPavlichenko · 25/09/2018 19:00

If you were to miss a payment would he be notified? As it is in joint names. He must realise if this happens it impacts on him surely?

He is either still bumbling along refusing to engage with what he's done/ the ramifications or he is a ruthless bastard and is trying to force you out of the house so he can get back in. The longer he doesn't respond the worse your financial situation gets. I worry this is planned. But you are well prepared I know. Have a drink tonight, watch Bake Off and try not to think about them.

Bluntness100 · 25/09/2018 21:54

Lilly, have you communicated to him though? Albeit via his solicitor? Right now he knows you're paying it, what would happen if he thought you genuinely weren't going to?

Original poster
Lily007 · 25/09/2018 22:07

Yes Bluntness. When he reduced the monthly amount I wrote to his solicitor stating my income, that was on 20 August. They seemed more concerned with keeping the financial negotiations with them rather than mediation, they obviously want to bill as much time as possible.

If he refuses to attend mediation I’ll write to his solicitor advising I’m going to stop paying the mortgage.

If there’s any justice he’ll fall off a bridge in Budapest and drag the fucking skank with him 🤞

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Bluntness100 · 25/09/2018 22:09

Lol, I'll tell you, you've a turn of phrase on you 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I'd just tell him you can't pay it. That'll get his arse into mediation,,,,

Thebluedog · 25/09/2018 22:12

I think bluntness has it right, simply tell him you can’t afford the repayments and he’ll have to up his contribution until it can all be sorted out via mediation or court. That should ruin his holiday Grin

Original poster
Lily007 · 25/09/2018 22:30

I’ve paid the mortgage today so that buys me another month. Hopefully we can get a mediation appointment before the next payment is due. If not I’ll let his solicitor know I’m making no further payments.

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tootstastic · 25/09/2018 23:12

Well done on getting through the first bit of mediation Lily. He is a total arse for spending like he is, whilst you're struggling to pay the mortgage. Def refuse to pay next month's if progress isn't made.

Fingers crossed you hear soon about the joint meditation. Presumably if he doesn't you can then apply directly to the courts for some sort of pre-settlement maintenance?

tootstastic · 25/09/2018 23:15

Sorry that should read joint mediation NOT meditation.

The thought of joint meditation, oh god!! It'd be more Hom than Om Grin

Thebluedog · 26/09/2018 06:57

Bloody annoys me as the same thing happened to me and my ex.

He moved out, refused to pay any further mortgage payments whilst obviously spending on none essentials whilst I skrimped and scraped to continued to pay the mortgage for a further 18 months. Then he takes half the equity from the house as part of the settlement, and this inc the 18 months of mortgage payements id made AND the increased equity over the last 18 months Angry all because I hadn’t acted quickly enough. I should have refused to pay it and forced him to continue to pay half.

Original poster
Lily007 · 26/09/2018 19:20

Well he’s posting constantly on IG about the two of them having a ball in Budapest. I’m bloody furious 😡😡😡

I’m scrimping and scraping to pay the mortgage and bills, I don’t go out or buy clothes and I’ve not had a holiday. It’s so unfair (pouting!!!)

I’m going to give it a week to see if he agrees to mediation and then I’m going to write to his solicitor that I’m not making any further mortgage payments.

Not what I want but I’ve really got no choice 😢

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Bluntness100 · 27/09/2018 08:22

Morning!

Forget about the twatty social media posts, it's irrelevant crap. And just shows what a wanker he is,

On the mortgage Lilly, just to be safe, does the money he currently give you cover all the mortgage and provide any extra ? I'm a little worried if you stop paying, he will pay the mortgage company direct, and stop any payments to you, and possibly leave you worse off.

If the money doesn't cover the whole mortgage, or only part of it, or doesn't provide any extra, then stop paying it! But if he provides extra over and above the mortgage, then don't go there, as it's risky,,,,

funicorn · 27/09/2018 08:41

He would have to provide them to a court though wouldn't he? So maybe he woild he willing to do mediation? Clutches at straws.

Yes he will have to.

Original poster
Lily007 · 27/09/2018 16:33

Hi Bluntness. The amount he’s currently paying doesn’t cover the mortgage.

Because of his IG and FB posts it’s been fairly easy to work out he’s gone on a package city break. I’ve checked the tour operator’s website and for 3 night’s room only the cost is £1,400! Add spending money and it’s a fairly costly mini break and I’m struggling to pay for essentials.

Just when I think he can’t hurt me any more, he does 😢. I’ve had to finish work early today I’ve been so upset

It just seems so unfair that KH and OW are loved up and happy and I’m worried to death and miserable 😭

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Original poster
Lily007 · 27/09/2018 16:35

The price includes flights too. It’s not £1400 just for the hotel 🙄.

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Bluntness100 · 27/09/2018 17:40

Then you need to stop paying the mortgage lily, that's it no more. No more.

If you stop paying it you will be better off and he needs to cover it or it will be repossessed. It's that simple. He will lose big time. And he won't want to do that. Guarantee it.

Try not to think of what he's doing, I know it doesn't help, but he's not doing it to specifically hurt you, he's simply doing it because he wants to without thought. So give him the same courtesy back.

Don't think about him and get that letter to the solicitors office tomorrow saying that "having to cover the mortgage is leaving uou in severe financial hardship and as such, from this month on the mortgage will not be paid by you, and he will need to pay them direct. If he does not, then it will fall into arrears and be repossessed. To let you know if he needs the payment details".

And leave it there. And smile to think of rhe nice little surprise he's got waiting for him on his return.

tootstastic · 27/09/2018 23:26

I agree with Bluntness, if he's not even paying enough to pay all the mortgage, then stop paying (worth checking with your solicitor first though).

I know it's hard, but don't think of them as all happy on the trip, just think they're giving you ammo for mediation or divorce court. It doesn't look good that he's wasting so much cash (and this is marital cash remember, not his) whilst you're struggling to make ends meet.

Original poster
Lily007 · 28/09/2018 06:56

Thank you Bluntness and Toots

I agree with both of you.

Feeling much better this morning 😊

I’ll give it a week or so to see whether KH agrees to mediation.

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tootstastic · 28/09/2018 07:42

Glad you're feeling better, sometimes sleeping on it helps. Keep all the records of estimated costs of these trips and you can go through the list and suggest on top of everything else you ask for, in order to make it fair, that you should be given a cash sum equivalent to his share of the spending on those trips.

funicorn · 28/09/2018 07:58

This could be a waste of time as the woman may well have paid for it all . He WILL have to handover statements if this goes to court and OP will be able to sit and go through them and assign to various categories . I'm not trying to be negative here but having been through this myself and with several friends who have done so, it is important to keep your head clear for the important things.

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