Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

[Lily007]

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

😂😂😂. His name isn’t Ken but perhaps it should be Del Boy!!!

I’ve just been to the bank (finally changed my name officially 👍). Walked through the market hall and blow me there was KH serving a customer at the skank’s stall. I joined the queue at the bread stall next to her “tat” stall and even managed to photograph him 😜.

I’ve sent the photo to everyone I know. My son replied “oh god!”

Everyone is laughing at him 🙄.

Oh and he has put weight on 😆

I can’t wait for mediation now. I’m definitely going to say he’s got a Saturday job so that income needs to be declared 😉

LOL Lily!!!! Did he see you?? 😂😂 well done for getting the bank sorted

Shit did they see you? 🤣

Priceless!

Ha ha. No they didn’t see me but I was getting some very peculiar looks from everyone in the bread counter queue 😂

I was shaking like a leaf taking the photo. I’m going to get it printed off at work next week and I’ll produce it at mediation if he denies working on the stall. I mean who’d spend their Saturdays helping out on a market stall for the free 😉

I’m feeling so much more positive now I’ve ditched his surname, I never did like it, I mean who wants to be Mrs Hom 🤣🤣🤣

Seriously though, I just want to get the finances sorted and then I can, hopefully, get on with my life and have as little to do with him as possible.

Well done you great work

To be fair though lily, to be serious for a moment, he's very probably really not receiving payment from her, and he's just helping her out. I very much doubt he's doing it for the money. Sorry. But she won't be paying him. And yes, plenty of people would do it to help their partner and not expect payment.

I'm not sure if you're serious though and having a laugh? She's clearly not bunging him 30quid at the end of the shift.

OMG Bluntness. I don’t think for a minute he’s being paid. I just want the satisfaction of letting him know that I know how he spends his Saturdays, selling tat.

Are we going down the “don’t disrespect someone for how they make a living” path again.

I don’t disrespect OW for how she earns her living, I disrespect her for deliberately embarking on a shagfest with my husband

Not content with “dumping” me after 25 years, it seems he wants to see me poverty stricken as well 😢

I haven't read all of the thread just dipped in and out. I must say there are big red flags around his behaviour for me. Some men do like to see their ex reduced to poverty - it's their way of dominating by reducing her to financial hardship - somehow in his skewed thinking because she struggling she's bad (so he can say "you see, she always been the problem like I said all along"), then he can make out he's "good" especially if he wins financially.

Whatever his motives, I think it best to prepare for the fact he may try all the dirty tactics in the book to throw you off on the day of mediation - like going for the jugular, house, everything he can. Because unscrupulous guys - and I think he is one - know that when a woman is shocked and thrown off emotionally, she won't be thinking straight (like any normal person after a shock). She is therefore very likely to agree to something disadvantageous to herself in that state, especially when pressured by time constraints and aggression.

It's a common tactic to turn up on the day with last-minute "surprises" and also to turn on the aggression-heat.

Given that he seems to be treating you as disposable, I would prepare for this worse case, and have strategies planned in advance so you don't agree to anything out of the ordinary on that day and buy yourself some time if necessary if you are the receiving end of extreme dirty tactics. Find the phrases to say no not yet - I need more time. And also ensure your lawyer is primed to also not pressure you to finalise something on that day if you are stressed and not clear thinking. Sometimes lawyers think it's best to resolve a matter quickly and cleanly on the day, but that doesn't allow sufficient time (longer than they understand) for someone who is being bullied to contemplate all the pros and cons of what's on the table with a mind clear of emotion. Take all the time you need and make them all wait if necessary.

You have a great backup team here in the wings!! Good luck

Are we going down the “don’t disrespect someone for how they make a living” path again

Eh, no, it was just really hard to tell if you're serious or not,,,🤣

I hope he doesn't behave badly Lily, I really do. Best to be totally prepared for the worst as you are doing. It did make me laugh imagining him being presented with the photograph of him serving on the stall at mediation. I'm sorry you were shaking as this is your life but you're so brave and switched on for thinking of it. I'd have been a wreck and hopeless. KOKO

Morning

I’ll go to mediation hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

His solicitor is still trying to pressure me into not mediating but to negotiate with them. They’ve stated that any agreement reached at mediation will have to considered by them with their client, so I’ll take the same stance.

I’ve been advised to complete a draft Form E as that is what would be needed if the financial issues were being addressed in court.

I fully expect him to be difficult, however, it would appear from his solicitor’s correspondence he does not want to attend mediation. I’m hopeful that might give me an advantage. As I’ve said previously, I’ll put on a brave face during mediation and I’ll fall apart afterwards when I’m alone 😬

I’ve managed to collate a mountain of financial documentation so I’m confident I’m as well prepared as I can be.

I was chatting to my DS’s dad yesterday and he told me STBXH had seen photos of him and his family and friends on a night out last Saturday and he’d had the cheek to text one of the lads saying how pissed off he was at not being invited! He really is deluded and, it would seem, distinctly lacking friends.

and he’d had the cheek to text one of the lads saying how pissed off he was at not being invited

My God - is he STILL on about that? He just doesn't get it does he? I would love to know what the reply to this was because he needs someone who isn't you or your family (like one of those friends) to tell it to him like it is.

It is interesting though as it gives a glimpse into his mindset. He feels he's done nothing wrong obviously. That in some way he was right to do as he did. And as such he shouldn't be blamed or ostracised by joint friends.

Yep he's still trying to ingratiate himself back into the group!

He's that type of person Bluntness. He thinks that if someone does something wrong or horrible and then they apologise, all should be forgiven.

He'll have expected to be shunned for a while but then it should be forgotten. Not gonna happen!

Apparently the person he sent the text to replied back saying "it was a family get together", KH responded with a snotty message although I don't know precisely what that was. Aw bless he must be feeling left out

Lily, so pleased you're no longer Mrs Hom

Hats off to your friend who made it quite clear to KH that he is no longer considered family. I bet that stung a bit!

He thinks that if someone does something wrong or horrible and then they apologise, all should be forgiven

Which to be fair isn't a bad quality in a person. However there needs to be an element of reasonabless in there, it's not like he ate the last banana you were saving, some things are not forgivable,,,

Although as said, I'd assume from what you've said about him he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, and he's certainly not apologised.

Thanks Toots

Bluntness. I agree it’s not a bad trait BUT he would make the same mistakes over and over and think apologising should make everything right.

I used to say, if you make a mistake and apologise, you’re entitled to be forgiven but you can’t keep making the same mistake and expect an apology will excuse you, you have to learn from them. He never really got that. I used to quote my darling grandad “you can always do as you like as long as you can stand the consequences”. KH did never thought he should have to suffer the consequences. Why should he - he’d apologised, all should be forgiven.

Hey Lily et al

Hope all is well. Any news on the mediation, or is he still trying to avoid it?

Have you thought about what you'll wear and is everything planned to the nth degree, just in case?

Hey there

Also popping in to see how it's going,,

Waves at Bluntness ✋🏼

Waves back at toots and sits beside her on the bench waiting for Lilly 😁

Room for one more? I have popcorn

Move over ladies! Is the bench big enough for me? 😁

Ooh hello @Cuttingthegrass and definitely room for you too @notsodimwit

Lily hope you don't mind us checking on you, think we'd all be getting together for coffee gin IRL