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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

999 replies

Lily007 · 10/07/2018 10:42

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

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Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 12:56

It seems that it's what it says on the tin lilly he is not claiming this as his permanent residence, even though he stays there.

I doubt its a benefit claim if she's full time employed, 50, and with a mortgage. So yes, potentially it's divorce related. The 25 percent reduction in council tax for single occupancy won't be much on a small property.

I think I would ask his solicitor to confirm his address for the divorce papers to be served.

MsPavlichenko · 10/09/2018 13:04

Yes. I'd assume he has another official address.

I would be prepared for him being more clued up, and prepared than you might have imagined. Any decent lawyer will have done so. Regardless of how hopelss he may have been about this stuff with you
Not to mention OW might be advising him.

It may be the case, as you believe that he has found himself where he is without any great forward plan but that doesn't mean he hasn't been taking advice .

Hopefully not. But you'll be in a stronger position if you prepare for this.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 13:13

I'm a bit concerned that the solicitor asked you to confirm where you sent them, but didn't respond futher, particularly if he knows that's not the official address. Hopefully that's not the case, because if it is, then it's worrying,

Original poster
Lily007 · 10/09/2018 14:47

Hi. Thanks for the responses.

If he is going to state he isn’t living with her he’ll have to provide a tenancy agreement as proof of address.

Bluntness. His solicitor did respond to my letter (in which I gave her address), they just responded “thank you for confirmation of the address used for service, however, please use our address for all future correspondence and/or service of documents”.

I don’t think she does work full time and she’s self employed so may be claiming Universal Credit.

Aaaargh does thls shit never end 😡😡😡

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Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 15:34

Does he have a relative he could be using as his permanent address Lilly?

It's not unreasonable I think to suppose he can take a tenancy at any time and say he's been staying temporarily with a friend or family member before that because he couldn't afford rent. Much will depend where he has his mail sent.

Also if she's claiming benefits then she can't afford to support herself and as such, would lose those benefits if he moves in. I don't know enough about uc though and when someone is entitled. But I think you need to be on very little indeed.

I think the solicitors have all but confirmed to you that's not his address, if it was there would be no issue with you using it. They have asked you for a reason and told you not to use it for a reason.

Is there any way to find out,,ie where the bank has him listed if you still have a joint account. The solicitors won't help because they will just say to use theirs again.

Just use this as an opportunity to think about what he is trying to do here. And prepare yourself for the worst so you come out on top.

Cuttingthegrass · 10/09/2018 15:38

Lily. Why are you stressing yourself with where he is living? Your main concern should only be what rental costs you will incur going forward or whether you can get a mortgage to buy alternative or buy him out and stay put and wht the payments will be so you have a baseline for financial negotiations. He will argue that he needs accommodation too for the future. I don’t think placing all your hopes on him not needing finances for accommodation is in your best interest. His Sols have stated to use their address for legl docs.

Thebluedog · 10/09/2018 17:03

Some legal firms prefer all documents to be sent via them. I’m sure it’s just so they can charge extra

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 17:19

I think it would be prudent for. Lilly to assume he is going to say they don't live together, and be prepared for that,

It's safer to assume if the documents are to come to them, he has agreed that with them.

Prepare for the worst. Hope for the best. She's prepared for him to say he lives with her. Now she has the time to prepare for him to say he's not. As such, this is a good thing, it means she's not caught unawares.

In addition I'd prepare for him saying he wants to buy her out the house, and he takes it on, although Lilly thinks he won't go there, for him to say he needs x amount for rent, or if he lived with the woman, then x amount to stay there.

However my understanding this is about what Lilly needs to avoid undue hardship, and can he afford it. I'd also think his solicitors are preparing him. So understanding what he may try to do to limit payment, is only going to help when it comes to it.

As said, prepare for the worst, hope for the best.😔

Original poster
Lily007 · 10/09/2018 17:22

Cuttingthegress. If he is living with OW then his expenses won't be as high as they would be if he were renting somewhere which gives him more disposable income.

Bluntness When I issued the divorce petition online, I notified his solicitors. They wrote back "Please confirm the actual address you have used for Mr xxxxxxxx's service address".

I wrote back stating "the address I have used for service is your client's current address xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, the home of his current partner xxxxxxx xxxxxxx"

I then received another letter from his solicitor which stated "We are grateful for confirmation of service address. For the avoidance of doubt please utilise our address for service of any further applications".

I showed the letter to my solicitor friend who told me the address is more than likely correct otherwise his solicitors would have expressly stated their client is not resident at OW's address.

The reason I "got away" with using her address on the petition was because his dozy solicitor never stated prior to 20 August when I issued "we are instructed to accept service of proceedings". They admitted in a subsequent letter this was an oversight.

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Thebluedog · 10/09/2018 17:29

I think as Bluntness said, be prepared for him to use it as a tool to pay you less.

Work out what you want and need.... ask for more (within reason) and be prepared to negotiate. This isn’t about getting one up on him or the ow, it’s about doing what you have to, to get the outcome you want. This will be the foundations for your financial life going forward. A smug win against him and the ow, as awesome as it would be, won’t pay the bills in 10 yes time. However a reasonable settlement will. Flowers

Thebluedog · 10/09/2018 17:30

Sorry, don’t mean to sound condescending, just want to see you walk away with what you need....

MsPavlichenko · 10/09/2018 17:36

Regardless of where he (claims) to be living prepare for the worst imo. He halved what he was paying without so much as a text. He isn't going to be fair or reasonable I suspect.

And I know you think he wont go for the house, but again best be prepared just in case. If he is as shallow and image focused as you have told us he may well think moving back, and setting her up there will help him re-establish himself.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 17:42

Lilly, more than likely doesn't mean absolutely though.

Just prepare for the worst here. It might be unnecessary, but it's better to be prepared than to be blind sided. His solicitors are on his side. They act only in his interests. In addition he may have expressly told them not to tell you his address or confirm to them.

I also think you need to assume this man will be much better prepared than you think he will be. It's better to assume that, again, than be taken by surprise.

Original poster
Lily007 · 10/09/2018 17:57

Thebluedog. You’re not being condescending, I really appreciate all the advice so far.

MsPav. He did text me to say he was halving his payments albeit the evening before they both pissed off to London for a long weekend 🙄.

I know I’ll need to be prepared for every eventuality.

I can’t believe he can treat me so badly. I let him go, I’ve caused him no problems, I’ve never even contacted him in the 6 months since he left so why he has to twist the knife is beyond me!

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MsPavlichenko · 10/09/2018 18:25

Oh well. A prince then ...

MsPavlichenko · 10/09/2018 18:27

But the London trip/ holidays also suggest he is looking to replace you with her whilst continuing his life in much the same way. Bizarrre but there you go.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 18:28

I think a lot of men do this when it comes to maintenance Lilly. They basically protect themselves as best they can as see it as their money. He's only thinking of himself. Again. 💐

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 18:42

Does any one else have a problem finding Lilly's thread sometimes? It seems to appear on my im on/I'm watching, then disappear, then appear again,,,,it's very odd.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 19:19

Oh seems it was me, I'd accidentally hidden it!

Original poster
Lily007 · 10/09/2018 19:37

He’s just an arsehole.

Not content with “dumping” me after 25 years, it seems he wants to see me poverty stricken as well 😢

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Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 19:54

I doubt he is thinking like that, I know it's no consolation, but he's only thinking of himself. He's not thinking about how you will live, he's just thinking of how to keep as much of his money as he can. You knew he was all about image and being materialistic so he was never going to share nicely.

Don't stress, this is good, it's a heads up you got here. Just get yourself prepared to fight him, be prepared for everything and anything he could throw at you, as low as he could go, prepare for it. You'll be fine.

Original poster
Lily007 · 10/09/2018 20:57

I’ve just spoken with my (solicitor) friend and she says if he wasn’t living with OW his solicitor would definitely have notified me the address for service is not correct. She says the fact they haven’t denied it speaks volumes, in that they aren’t able to make a statement knowing it’s not true 🤞.

I know stressing about it won’t do me any good but I can’t help it.

It’s just a bloody nightmare 🙈

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Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 21:02

Ok then maybe just some gossip. Just be prepared in case Lilly, 😔

MsPavlichenko · 10/09/2018 22:58

Lily I was on another entirely unrelated thread earlier where OP was looking for legal opinion. Something someone said resonated and I have been thinking of you.

I know you are being advised by your friend. I also know she is a fantastic solicitor who realy knows her stuff. So please take this in the spirit intended. Is it possible that her friendship with you may be (entirely unknowingly) colouring her advice/ thoughts on what is going on? I really don't know myself, and am sure that overall is all good advice. But maybe her concern for you migjt be impacting on what she is thinking/ hoping for?

As I say I might be completely wrong, and was triggered only by another unrelated post making a point about something similar re advice. Might be worth some time with someone else just to clarify you are on right path? Or not as you wish.

I am no legal expert, and in Scotland to boot so please discount this if no use. Hope you manage some much needed rest tonight.

Original poster
Lily007 · 10/09/2018 23:10

Mmmm MsPavlichenko. I’ve never really thought about it like that.

I think I’m just going to have to battle on and see what he says at mediation. I’ll be as prepared as I possibly can and, hopefully, more prepared than he is 🤞

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