Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

[Lily007]

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

It will be interesting what he does. He's probably going to be shocked you want to go there.

Just make sure you look gorgeous and be steely eyed.

He will be nervous too. Very. Shitting it in fact.

Bluntness. I will be calm and dignified if it kills me.

I’m just sad that it’s come to this 😢

We both love Strictly and always watched it together. First time in the 16 years it’s been going I’m watching it by myself. Sounds pathetic but it’s really upset me 😭

Feel for you Lily x

Thank you Opportunity 😘

I’m really struggling tonight 😢

Ah have you had something to eat? A nice glass of wine? Just push the thoughts away 💐

Yes Bluntness I’ve eaten and I’ve had several glasses of Prosecco 🥂

Watching Gone Girl for the second time.

Feeling more chilled now 😊

Ah that's good, prosecco always helps!

If you're looking for something to watch try vikings on amazon prime if you have it. Violent but addictive,,😁

Lily I have followed your thread from the beginning.

I think you are an amazing woman and your stbxh is just the most stupid and self centred of men.

Believe me he will realise when it is far too late just what he has thrown away - the best, most caring and supportive wife any man could wish for.

You have been through a horrible time and you did not deserve one minute of it.

You have shown such strength and resilience up to now, even though we - all your supporters here - know you have had to go through some very dark times, but you can and will come out of your divorce with your dignity intact.

It will no doubt at all be difficult for you when you come face to face with your cowardly stbxh but you can do and will be indominitable- and he knows it.

Remember a strong woman - Hillary Clinton. I read an article she wrote of another vile man - Trump.

Hillary had to face not only him but her supporters and the rest of the world in full glaring spotlight at the Inauguration.

I watched her waiting to go onto the podium and the stress was very clearly on her face. She admits she was in shreds both in fear and apprehension.

However when the time came she sailed forth with a smile on her face and met the man she hated the most. The man who had constantly mocked and derided her and for all the world to see.

If you ever get the chance to see the news report just watch how her smile is plastered on her face. She pretends to acknowledge people in the crowd while not making eye contact with anyone. You can see on her face how she just wants to get through the event. She admits she had to overcome the strong urge to run away - but she did not. She did what needed to be done and did it graciously.

What I am trying to say is - face this man down in your mediation appointment. You will look your absolute best - though inside you will feel anguish and stress. Do not make eye contact with him. This will unnerve him.

Smile as HC did and sail through the meeting smiling and looking in control,- this will really unsettle the stbxh.

Come away seemingly serene and in control even if you are stressed inside.You will go home and if you feel like collapsing so be it but never let him see it. I can recommend a gin and tonics this this time - it helps. Maybe have one poured and waiting in the fridge for when you get back. Sure the tonic may be a little flat but hey!

Wishing you much luck and future happiness Lily - know that you have many supporters here all rooting for you. You can do this.

Our mediator gave the option of remaining in separate rooms if we preferred and she would have whizzed between the two. We didn't do this but I did take a break part way through when I felt my facade beginning to slip and had some fresh air. It helped.

Thanks for that Zoflora

Cuttingthegrass I think I’d prefer face to face as I think I’ll handle it better than he will but if we are offered being separate, it wouldn’t surprise me if he says that’s what he’d rather do.

It’ll be a few weeks before it happens so I’m not going to stress about it yet.

I went to mediation with my ex, he was so ill prepared it was laughable, he thought that his word was good enough, however I did my homework, backed it up with records, estate agent records and all the financial stuff I could lay my hands on. He came with nothing. I was smartly dressed, make up and hair done. He came in jeans and a tshirt. I smiled at the mediator, told her i was nervous when we were on my own, then smiled at him, looked him in the eye, asked how he was etc. Not once did I make any snide comments, I’m proud to say I tore him to shreds. For every financial statement he said, I proved him wrong with facts backed up with more facts and paperwork. He was in a mess by the end of it and started getting ratty with the mediator, whilst I was professional and friendly to both of them. He left in bits. I left then fell to bits in the car having got just what I wanted

I know you’ll be great Lily, treat it like a job interview. Be happy, friendly, smiley, but also steely and stern with what you want.

Mediators are people and by being human means they will pick up quickly the araeholes and those of us who just happened to marry them

I'd probably agree with that. Keep the sarcastic comments on his weight till the end. They will just make you look bad And rile him. Pissing him off is not going to lend itself to a favourable outcome. But by all means make them as a parting shot if you think it's agreed 🤣

As they say, you catch more bees with honey...

But be prepared, from three house valuations, to a range of Rental properties from one bed to two, all your expenses, the savings account, your pension,health reports, even the cost of the dog, the lot.

Don't focus on how he spends his money ie holidays or nights out, focus on what you need, his income as he is employed is available to any court, but as this is mediation, then take what you can, inc copies of bank statements showing his income.

This is about your needs and making sure they are met without undue hardship.

Thanks Thebluedog and Bluntness

I’ve been gathering financial documents/information for weeks so I think I’ll be well prepared on that front. I’ve even got the Land Registry office copy entries for OW’s house which details the purchase price and date it was purchased, just so I can show she’s not relying on his income. She’s lived in the house alone for 10 years so can obviously manage financially.

I hadn’t thought about getting Estate Agent valuations for our house. Will I have to pay for them? I’ve been looking at rental properties regularly so I’ll make sure I print off examples of what’s available and the costs.

I’m going to ensure I’m extremely well prepared for mediation. Thebluedog, your XH sounds just like mine. I think he’ll be totally unprepared, sorting out finances and documents isn’t his strong point hence why I have all the info and he doesn’t.

Not particularly looking forward to it but it needs to be done. I feel like I’m in limbo at the moment with him calling the shots financially, I need to get things sorted as soon as I can so I can move on.

No, just tell them you are thinking of selling the house, or will do in the near future. They value for free as they want your business. Get three if you can. There isn't any charge.

Ah okay. I’ll get that sorted. Thanks Bluntness 👍

Not sure if it helps your case but how the prices seem to be quite low at the moment and houses are struggling to sell. Anyway that’s what we found recently selling a house in the south

That should read HOUSE prices are low

I did have the house valued by 3 different estate agents (it doesn’t cost anything), but this was because I wanted to stay in the house and buy him out. He went in and said he thought the house was work X amount, which was massively inflated. The mediator then looked at me and said ‘I believe that you’ve had the house valued’ (she already knew this because we’d discussed it in our private hour) I pulled out the valuations and his face fell when he realised that he couldn’t argue with it and his estimate if the house value was taking the piss. We agreed on the middle valuation which was what I wanted Anyway.

As I said, keep it polite and nice with him. Once it’s all agreed then as you walk out the building, I’d shake him by the hand, smile, wish him all the best and then pop in the ‘have you put weight on’ comment

Thebluedog. Thanks for that. Loving the “have you put weight on?” comment 🤣🤣🤣

I’ll sort out the valuations.

Thank you so much 😘

You know you have to say it with the concerned head tilt don't you,,,,🤣

Of course 😚🤣

Also have a few ‘one liners’ in your pocket for anything he does say that might throw you...

‘Knobhead’. I did it mean for this to happen
‘Lily’ smile & head tilt putting your knob in someone tends to do that (as long as it’s not in front of the mediator)

‘Kh’ you’re looking well Lily
‘Lily’ thanks, have you put weight on head tilt and smile

‘Kh’ how’s your son, I miss him
‘Lily’ he’s fine, I don’t think he misses you head tilt and smile

‘Kh’ how have you been
‘Lily’ I’m not sure that’s any of your business head tilt and smile

And it all else fails and you don’t know what to say - just smile and walk away.

*Thebluedog” 🤣🤣🤣

I’ll definitely try to get one or two of those “one liners” in.

I’m still chuckling 😆

My best friend phoned me this morning to tell me about a conversation she had with a lady she sees most mornings while they’re both walking the dogs.

It seems the lady has the stall next to OW’s stall at the market. My friend asked if she knew OW (used her name obviously), the lady said yes she knew her fairly well. My friend said “who’s the fella that hangs around the stall on Saturdays”, the lady said “oh that’s xxxxx new fella, they’re absolutely besotted with each other” 🙄. My friend then asked “do they live together?”, the lady said “well yes.......but not officially”.

My friend said she couldn’t really pump her any more in case she became suspicious about why she was asking so many questions.

Anyone got any thoughts on “not officially” 🤔

I gave her address when I advised dickhead’s solicitor I’d issued the divorce petition and they just thanked me for confirming the address I’d used for service, they didn’t say he’s not living there.

My mind is whirring now

sound like she is claiming some sort of benefit that she is not entitled to. eg council tax for single occupancy?