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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

999 replies

Lily007 · 10/07/2018 10:42

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

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tootstastic · 29/08/2018 08:16

Well surely it massively depends how good the pension is? If it's a fantastic final salary pension (as discussed in that article), then that may well be worth having over a house. But often it's not and the spouse is left with only enough to rent and will never be able to clamber back onto the property ladder.

Surely though, it's different in every case, based on the size of the pension pot, mortgage level and overall pot available? So it can only be decided on a case by case basis, there is no one size fits all solution.

Sunflowersforever · 29/08/2018 12:29

I'd always wants bricks over pension as it's also inheritance for my daughter, which means a lot to me personally. Plus, does anyone like renting? Where you can be given a months notice to get out? I'd find that so unsettling.

Then again, I'm not a financial advisor so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2018 18:47

As said for me it's case by case, I can see it for an index linked pension and someone who can get another mortgage, then it might be more beneficial to take the pension, but I think any woman close to retirement who is facing a life time of renting, would have to think about it very carefully.

Rent is forever, it's an enormous financial drain, but a mortgage ends. Normally over a long enough period a property escalates and someone like Lilly could then down size and take equity out.

In addition renting gives huge uncertainty, you can be priced out of an area over a period of years, your rent become unaffordable, or your home sold from under you. Who knows what the rent on a two bed property will be in twenty years.

You've also got an asset to bequeath your kids. But it's not just that. If your ex suddenly passes away, then you've nothing. No pension, no house. Sweet fuck all really.

It's all a gamble, and there are pros and cons for both. But again it's not even that simple, because there is also the question of can you take the mortgage on your own, I'd assume a mortgage company would take maintenance into account but I've no clue.

Lily007 · 29/08/2018 18:54

Wow. So many differing opinions.

I doubt I’ll be able to keep the house, I don’t earn enough to take over the mortgage on my own 😟. I’ll probably have to rent.

A mutual friend of mine and STBXH bumped into him on Saturday afternoon and apparently the pathetic fuckwit said he was really disappointed that MY son hadn’t tried to contact him!!!! Why would he even think that? He’s bloody deluded. MY son wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire.

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Bluntness100 · 29/08/2018 19:04

Friggen hell, how arrogant is that. 😱

AcrossthePond55 · 29/08/2018 19:22

"There is none so blind as he who will not see ".

tootstastic · 29/08/2018 19:38

It will be frustrating if you have to rent Lily when, like you say, the rent on a smaller place will cost just as much as the mortgage each month on your current home. It's so bloody unfair when none of this was your doing.

Your XH sounds like he's being his usual self-absorbed self! Surely he should have been saying NOT how disappointed he is that your son hadn't contacted him, but how he knows how much HE must have disappointed your son with his dreadful behaviour towards his Mum. He really doesn't get it does he?! He's actually feeling sorry for himself, not the family he's hurt, just himself. He really is an utterly selfish fucker.

Opportunitynox · 29/08/2018 20:24

How do people change like this? Is he on drugs or something? He's so delusional, it seems to me like he's in some kind of downward spiral, which is rapidly becoming out of control. I really don't think he is going to end up in a good place. I hope you're ok Lily, I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, but you seem like such a lovely lady so I'm sure your life will get better. I so hope so.

cheesefield · 29/08/2018 21:01

@Bambamrubblesmum They had an 8yo daughter when they separated.

Arsehole of a situation Sad

Lily007 · 29/08/2018 21:08

Aw thanks everyone for your comments.

Funnily enough my friend’s daughter mentioned drugs just last week. She said she wouldn’t be surprised if he’s using cocaine. Oh lord nothing would surprise me, he’s completely lost the friggin plot 😬

cheesefield have you commented on the right thread 😂

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tootstastic · 29/08/2018 21:25

But she nailed it with 'arsehole of a situation' Grin

cheesefield · 29/08/2018 21:30

I did! GrinI was replying to poster above about my friends divorce.

Lily, you are being very calm. I'd be signing his email up to millions of porn sites and listing his number in loads of phone boxes for male prostiture/escort services. You're far more dignified than me Smile

Lily007 · 29/08/2018 21:48

Ha ha cheesefield. I don’t think I need to do anything, I have a feeling he’ll press the self destruct bottom all by himself.

Whatever happens, he’ll never be able to accuse me of causing him grief, if there’s any justice he’ll be the author of his own misfortune 🤞

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Lily007 · 29/08/2018 21:49

button not bottom 🙄

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Bluntness100 · 29/08/2018 23:29

Lilly id check this out, your solicitor or mortgage provider will advise but there is a good chance maintenance payments will be taken into account for the mortgage. You may indeed be able to afford it.

Lily007 · 30/08/2018 06:34

Ah okay. I’ll do that. Thanks Bluntness

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Haffdonga · 30/08/2018 10:20

Yes, it can be done. A friend of mine who escaped an abusive marriage from a wealthy narcissist has just managed to get a mortgage based (partly) on his maintenance payments. It wasn't easy and she was turned down in several places, but she got it at the last minute and moved in to her lovely new house last week. Smile

Thebluedog · 30/08/2018 14:45

Benefits can now be taken into account when applying for a mortgage too Lily.

My friend is a low wage earner, has a small ish deposit and her benefits allowed her, along with her child maint payments as they were agreed in a court, to be taken into account so she was able to get a mortgage rather than rent

Funicorn · 31/08/2018 14:52

www.waterstones.com/book/wealthy-divorcee/hannah-foxley/9781909623095

This was what I was trying to post earlier and messed up . Don't let the title mislead you . It's about making you the wealthiest you can be in your own situation and the mistakes to avoid. Yes all situations are different - I think what wolf and I are saying /referring to are those situations where women take equity in the marital home as opposed to taking pension . Not talking about putting yourself in the position of renting but going to a smaller property . Sorry lily I see this is not relevant to you but the convo has opened up a bit on this topic.

Bluewoohoo · 31/08/2018 21:49

A friend was telling me how her mum didn't divorce the estranged husband as she didn't want to lose accrued benefits. He died a year after, quite suddenly, and she got everything. Just saying Lily that a quick divorce might not be best.

Sounds harsh, but sometimes you have to think with a business head on

Lily007 · 01/09/2018 09:30

Bluewoohoo. Not harsh, realistic 😜

In the words of Kylie - I should be so lucky 😂😂😂

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Bluewoohoo · 01/09/2018 10:23

Yes. Serendipity may still triumph Wink

beeefcake · 01/09/2018 13:02

Sending you Thanks on this beautiful day Lily

At least I hope it's sunny where you are!

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2018 16:49

How're you today Lilly? Heard anything more from knobhead? 😁

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 01/09/2018 16:54

Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine Lilly ☺️