Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

[Lily007]

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

Morning, and blimey you're cracking on!

Could an interim settlement by negotiation work Lilly, it gives you some idea of financials for the future so you can plan, but also saves on legal costs inc barristers fees if you go to court..

Funicorn

I’ve had a 2 hour meeting with a very experienced matrimonial solicitor and have been advised that the parties’ standard of living is considered when an application for spousal maintenance is made.

There’s a huge disparity in salaries which is also a factor. I know I can’t demand a 4 bedroomed detached house but he will be responsible for helping me to maintain a decent standard of living.

Bluntness

Yes, it certainly seems as though his solicitor is pushing for an informal agreement to avoid me making an application for maintenance pending suit.

I’ve done all my calculations but I’m not going to respond until next week. STBXH is his own worst enemy keep bragging on SM about his nights out, holidays and weekends away. When he first left he told everyone he just wanted to keep his head down, he hasn’t! Big mistake 🙈

If I have to sell the house, so be it. The problem is that if I have to rent, it’ll cost exactly the same as the current mortgage payment.

I’m of the opinion now that what will be will be 😊.

Feel so bad for you Lily, it all seems so unfair to have your world turned upside down when you've done nothing wrong.

Good to see you taking control Lily. Sounds like you have solid legal advice and you’ve said before you have a head for financials and did them all before anyway.

Cheering you on for the best outcome amd fuck his little games.

I suspect he might try to buy you out of the house Lilly and he will live in it.

I think you said equity was about 30k each so he will prob offer you a lump sum.

Well done Lilly! I posted on your first thread under a different name and I’ve been following your progress. I have been through similar to you and I’m the same age. You’re quite right, the length of your marriage, your previous standard of living and your age ( ie your potential, future earning power is limited because of approaching retirement years) lends itself to a more favourable settlement for you.

My H broke my heart and it’s very painful when your plans for the future are annihilated because of your H’s ego. My H was having sex with women thirty years younger than himself. When I asked him why he said he didn’t find me attractive as I’m too old ( he’s older than me!)

Bluntness. I doubt he’ll try to buy me out of the house. There are several reasons why but a bit too revealing for this thread.

Loveme. My heart goes out to you. It’s just horrible to feel you’re cast aside because of your age.

I’m feeling much more positive now and I’m really trying to look forward. I’m not too bothered about what STBXH and OW do together, all I’m concerned with is getting the best result for me.

I can’t believe I never noticed his narcissistic traits while we were together or perhaps I did but overlooked them.

I’m a great believer in everything happens for a reason 😊

ok that's interesting, is the mortgage in both names, can you take it on your own? It's worth making enquiries with your lender. You could offset his equity with some maintenance. If he isn't able to or doesn't want the house and you do, I suspect a deal can be done there if you want to stay there.

I only suggest buying you out because that's what I'd do.😳 Increase the mortgage by 30 grand or whatever, put ow on it, and buy my ex out, then live in it and let it grow in value. Especially if I was his age and struggle to get another mortgage. But I am a mercenary bitch. 🤣

For me that’s very true too about things happening for a reason. My H wasn’t the man I thought he was and that’s the same as your H Lilly. I think we’re better off finding now rather than living a false life ( but I didn’t know was false- he completely hoodwinked me and all my family, friends and neighbours) than carrying on for another ten years.

I’m 2 years further on than you OP and I don’t think the hurt ever truly leaves you but I am moving on. I have a great group of friends and a new relationship. I know that likewise, you will also find also find a new, authentic life.

Love the positive attitude Lily

It's true that you do truly see people for who they are once you are no longer under their spell

"...all I’m concerned with is getting the best result for me."

And that's really all there is to be concerned with. The rest is just peripherals to distract you.

And that's really all there is to be concerned with

Ain't that the truth.

What's lovely is it sounds like you're already beginning to realise that, despite the pain, you've had a lucky escape Lily. Your XH is not the man he should have been. Either he never was, or the fear of ageing/thinking the grass was greener changed him.

The thought of spending the next 20-30 years with someone who doesn't realise your value, because they're so busy thinking about themselves, is horrifying. Thank goodness he gave you the chance of a better life when he showed you who he'd really become.

lily Yes I understand totally where you are coming from - my point was that there is a limited pot for everyone and yes he is obliged to provide after a long marriage but sometimes people ( not saying you ) have this notion that an ex will have to keep you in the standard to which you are accustomed . I have watched a couple of friends think this and have had their lives seriously disrupted.

Thanks everyone.

Funicorn. I’m not so naive to think I’m going to be able to have the same standard of living as when we were together BUT at the moment STBXH is having holidays, weekends away and regular nights out. I can’t afford to go on holiday etc. There’s a huge disparity in our salaries which will need to be addressed, this is why I’ve issued the divorce petition as it’s the only way to get the finances into court.

One thing I’ve just discovered, and he and OW probably won’t have considered this, my solicitor friend is currently acting for a wife in precisely the same position as me and the court have ordered OW to provide details of her income and expenditure, because they’re living together.

I’m feeling stronger every day. I’m getting out as much as possible, even if I only go around to a friend’s house. I obviously get pangs of hurt now and then but, on the whole, I’m feeling okay 👌

Lilly you’re doing great! Sounds to me like you’re being very sensible about finances. When we split up we decided to rent out our big four bedroomed detached house as it will go up in value. I live in a smaller property now but I love it. It’s a smaller space to furnish, carpet and clean. The bills are manageable too. I am able to have a pretty good standard of living as I’m sure you will too.

Are you doing anything nice this weekend? I hope you’ve got lovely things planned. I’m going shopping with my friends today

Lilly, I don't want to be negative, but I think it's important you set expectations realistically. I really don't think it's the case he has to provide a similar standard of living for uou as he has, post divorce. I just get the feeling from what you're writing you think maybe that's the case.

My understanding is that it's important to avoid undue hardship, but that is not all hardships. He has to ensure that if you cannot financially support yourself, then he bridges the gap, but the court will address you working five days a week and what sort of accommodation they feel you require etc and set an award accordingly. Times have moved on from the old days.

What's also concerning me is this guy ain't going to roll over and open his wallet. You will aim for as much as possible, him as little. This is going to go to court, at which point there is legal fees involved, from both solicitors and a barrister, and it is going to be big money to fight it out. Money that he can possibly afford and you can't. Have you looked into claiming legal costs from him to enable you to fight him?

Bluntness. Of course I’m making a claim that my legal costs are borne by him.

As I said in my previous post, I know I’m not going to demand that I maintain the standard of living we had prior to separating, just that a DJ MUST consider this!

I can’t revert to working 5 days as I suffer with fibromyalgia, my working hours are likely to reduce in the future due to my ill health. I’ve mentioned this in previous posts.

I hope I’m wrong in thinking that you are being deliberately negative. As I’ve stated previously, I’ve taken legal advice from a very experienced matrimonial solicitor so I know precisely what I’m entitled to.

I’m told the court’s view a long marriage as 10 years and that mine will be considered as 25 years (married 23 years cohabiting 2 years).

I know I will be expected to move to a 2 bedroom property, which is absolutely fine by me although the rent will be more or less the same as our current mortgage.

The fact STBXH is living with OW in her property, that she’s had the property for many years AND managed financially on her own will also be a factor in any financial settlement.

I’ve not gone into issuing the divorce lightly, I made sure I had all my ducks in a row before I set the wheels in motion.

On a lighter note, my friend’s husband has been to the butchers in the market hall this morning and he saw STBXH sitting at her stall sorting out artificial flowers!!!! How sad is that? 🙈

I’ve sent you a DM about my financial situation Lilly

Alright don't shoot lady, I'm just saying my understanding of it, if you're solicitor is telling you something different they are totally the person to listen to obviously..😁

By sounds of it, Lily has the best legal advice there is. Everything else is random opinions

Ha ha Bluntness 👉😂😂😂

I'd be very interested in the legal precedent for Court including OW income and expenditure to be considered. I and others have been told categorically this cannot be considered.

Can you enlighten please Lily. This could affect 3 people for an extremely better position than we're facing.

Thank you in advance

Or, Lily, woukdnyou DM me with your solicitor friend's business details as I'd like to instruct them to act for me. Thanks