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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

999 replies

Lily007 · 10/07/2018 10:42

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

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HazelBite · 20/08/2018 15:16

arghh "what you need"

AcrossthePond55 · 20/08/2018 15:50

Well done! I think you're going to find that you're much happier with him not being able to contact you.

Lily007 · 20/08/2018 16:03

Thanks everyone.

I have to admit, I’m feeling quite sad. I know divorce is inevitable but having issued the petition makes it real 😥

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AcrossthePond55 · 20/08/2018 16:14

Just remember that you're grieving the loss of the dream, not the loss of the man.

Thebluedog · 20/08/2018 16:15

Ahh sorry to hear this Lily Flowers of course you’ll be sad, it’s final and that’s sad in itself, everyone has high hopes when they get married and it’s always sad when things breakdown

As for him, he’s a toss pot! No imagination whatsoever. My ex was like this, got married again abroad, same as we did, got another dog, same as we had, called it the name we had agreed on for our next one, called his son the name we had chose if we’d had a boy, the list goes on. I actually felt sorry for his wife, if she ever found out or realised I’m sure she’d not have felt so special.

As for the money, try not to think of it right now, let the solicitors sort it out. But do get angry and use that, not that you’ve ever done it but no rolling over and making it easy for him

Lily007 · 20/08/2018 17:38

Aw thanks for that Bluedog

I forwarded the photograph of the two of them in London to my friend, who immediately phoned me and said "OMG she's morphed into you!" She ALWAYS wears her hair up and the colour was sort of mousy with blondish streaks, but she's had it cut and it's now exactly the same style and colour as mine. She was also wearing a jacket very similar to one I got just before he left!

They're a sad pair of twats Wink

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Sunflowersforever · 20/08/2018 17:44

Oooh how utterly odd that she's copying you. So weird.

I'm still shocked on your behalf at his behaviour. What a tit.

rainbowruthie · 20/08/2018 18:13

Just sending you some more kind thoughts Lily, stay strong Flowers

notsodimwit · 20/08/2018 18:38

Hello lily :-) I have been reading your posts since you started this thread xx and what a strong lovely lady you are! He will one day regret losing you xx

Bluntness100 · 20/08/2018 22:17

Does she know what your hair looks like Lilly or your jacket ? That's totally the oddest thing I've ever read, that she's had her hair cut and coloured to look like yours, and is dressing like you. Do you have maybe a quite popular Hair style like a bob or something? Maybe the jacket is also quite a populaf style?

It's actually quite disturbing, so I'm trying to find if there is a coincidence there, because it's the most abnormal thing for a new partner to do..💐

tootstastic · 20/08/2018 22:30

Well done for biting the bullet Lily. It is sad, but this was not caused by you, the failure of this marriage is his cross to bear, not yours.

I think he'll be shocked you got there first. Good!

I wonder if the copying thing is a complete coincidence; otherwise the only other reason I can think of is because she thinks he's a kind of cut above and she's trying to emulate what she thinks is his type. I don't know, it's certainly bizarre.

Lily007 · 20/08/2018 22:46

Bluntness. Oh she knows what I look like, there are lots of photos of me on his FB account. I can only assume it’s his influence.

I’ve said all along that she’s not his type. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if he’s trying to mould her, that’s the type of person he is. He’s got more than a few narcissistic traits.

If she allows it, more fool her.

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MsPavlichenko · 20/08/2018 22:49

It may be coincidence. But given her previous style it seems unlikely.

She may not be copying Lily. She may well be picking up on his suggestions as to what might suit her re hair etc. He may also be suggesting, or even buying clothes for her. It wouldn't be that unusual.

Sunflowersforever · 21/08/2018 00:42

This is like The Lives and Loves of a she devil. Well, sort of. Confused

Bluntness100 · 21/08/2018 07:11

Well if she knows what Lilly looks like then she knows she's copying her, and that's just disturbing,,,😱

yikesanotherbooboo · 21/08/2018 10:30

I'm a lurker too Lily in a similar situation but a lot less brave.
The copying thing happened to my sil when her life partner left her for someone else ( albeit she was younger) . OW and EX were leading my sil's previous life within weeks.
Unfortunately also the cheater is 'in lurve ' and brain addled by lust and a feeling of cleverness with all the sneaking around etc and so they have no insight whatsoever. They are incapable of looking at the situation and thinking either about their ex , their children and families or indeed themselves with respect.
When I said to my STBEX that I felt sorry for him having to look at himself in the mirror he was utterly baffled.

Bluntness100 · 21/08/2018 11:53

I also think that's the case, he won't be thinking "oh I used to go to London every year at this time with Lilly, it's our thing", he will simply be thinking ,why shouldn't I still go to london" the same for the restaurant, he won't be thinking it's "our place",simoly it's a restaurant he likes so why shouldn't he still go there. It's simply a different view on the same action.

The copying thing is weird as fuck though.why would you wish to look like your partner's ex whom he left? The only explanation is neither of them are making the same mental connection/popular styles so unintentional. Otherwise it's disturbing,

The money thing is the more critical point though, I'd assume he's made it difficult to financially stay in thr house.

I think judges these days no longer do spousal support based on previous life style or what can be afforded by the higher earner its now done on:

What does the lower earning partner earn inc. all benefit entitlement , how much do they need to live on, the court looks at all expenses from what housing is necessary to what living expenses, and then can the higher earning partner bridge the gap between what's required for the lower earner to survive on versus the lower earners total income and the award is made of that differential.

Ability to retrain, earn/work more etc is also taken into account for the lower earner, because the courts aim is now independence for both parties.

His solicitor will be advising him on likely awards. I really think this is the area to be most cautious and well prepared on , everything else is irrelevant. 😔

tootstastic · 21/08/2018 16:22

The good thing is that you know all about his finances, so he won't be able to hide anything.

Lily007 · 21/08/2018 19:00

Hi everyone. Thanks for the responses.

Bluntness. I’ve checked S25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act today and DJ’s do consider the parties’ lifestyle prior to the split especially if the marriage was over 10 years. Apparently they also count any time cohabiting prior to marriage which, in our case, was 2 years.

I also think her change of style is odd although I’m told by someone who knows her that she’s not overly bright and will, more than likely, be influenced by him. It’s just pathetic 🙈.

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Bluntness100 · 21/08/2018 19:30

Ok , that's good, I hope you get a good settlement 💐

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 23/08/2018 17:46

Hi Lilly , hope you’re ok and doing well! Good on you for getting the ball rolling! Thinking of you lovely Brew Flowersxx

Lily007 · 23/08/2018 21:55

Thanks Fuckit

I’ve changed my name today by deed. Had a letter from his solicitor this morning and it’s clear I’ve upset the apple cart. The letter is an attempt at agreeing an interim settlement by negotiation.

I’m going to let him sweat for a week or so before I respond.

I’ll do my utmost now to get what I want AND deserve. He can go and fuck himself and his skank 🤗

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tootstastic · 23/08/2018 22:24

Way to go Lily, bet the name change feels good and will throw him a bit.

Here's to upsetting his Apple cart Wine

Opportunitynox · 24/08/2018 07:08

Good on you Lily, hope you're ok.

Funicorn · 24/08/2018 07:42

I think judges these days no longer do spousal support based on previous life style or what can be afforded by the higher earner its now done on This is true but because of below....

I hear so many women thinking that they are going to continue to live in the same size home, shop in the same shops etc ..the REALITY is that divorce makes everyone poorer and the POT HAS A LIMIT . it is simply not possible to have the same standard of life as before . In addition "bad behaviour" by a spouse does not reflect in a better settlement either .