Why won't (d)h talk to me?

[GrittySandals]

Every time I try to talk to him or say I feel sad or lonely he sighs in annoyance and says he just wants to relax/ he's tired / it's late. Always excuses.

Case in point- after cooking his dinner tonight (didn't want anything myself) he ate it and has just gone outside to sit in the garden. He's been in and out a couple of times and seen me sat inside crying- but has just ignored me. Oh - he did announce that a garden chair had broken - but other than that I feel invisible.

I am scared to tell him how I feel
(Ie sad & unloved) as he'll have a go at me and start shouting that he 'hasn't done anything..'

I just want someone (him) to show they care and show some kindness / concern & and listen to me.

I can't make him do that, I'm not sure how to go about telling him what I need. If I talk to him he shouts at me and turns it into an argument.

What is it exactly you want to talk about?

Why are you so lonely?

Ok, how long have you been feeling like this? How often do you cry?

What is causing you to be lonely?

I feel lovely because he will never talk to me and I feel I have no one who cares for me enough to listen.

I have friends but not the kind I can just burst into tears with. I just put in an act all the time & pretend it's all ok. I feel ashamed & overwhelmed with how I really am. No one would care anyway - the person who is supposed to care for me most doesn't give a damn- so why should anyone else?

I just want him / anyone to ask me what's wrong and talk to me kindly.

• lonely

Bluntness, I cry several times a day. I've felt like this on and off for years but especially in the last couple of months.

And as to what is causing me to be lonely- I suppose the feeling that I am alone & no one cares or would even miss me if I died.

Sorry you're feeling this way. Marriage is often quite lonely. Do you have children? Are there problems or issues in your marriage? Has it always been this way with your husband or has he changed?

It was my birthday the other day and I had a voucher for a free cake. I asked my brother if he would come with me as (d)h was working- he said no he didn't do 'going out for cake'. He has Aspergers I think, so is very blunt if honest, but it still upset me.

Do you think you know what is wrong? It sounds like you’re feeling very low generally and yes your dh should be taking the time to see if you’re ok but do you think he’s maybe a bit frustrated that you are just sad and lonely and he can’t fix that? A loving, supportive partner is very important but you need to be responsible for your own mental well being. He can’t fix you feeling low and lonely. What is it you want him to do? I think you need to talk to your gp. I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this

OK Gritty you sound depressed.

I guess it would be wearing to have a partner that cries several times a day, over a long period of time.

Did he show concern when this started?

Have you thought about the GPS?

Keithruchards- I have a DS age 10.

Yes had problems on and off for several years. He's not 'kind' and I don't feel he loves me as he doesn't act nicely to me or show me any love.

Wellfuck- I just want him to be 'there' for me and listen I guess.

I always listen to him but it's not reciprocated. I feel it's unfair / one sided way of conducting a relationship.

Can you imagine what a life without him would look like, OP?

Bastard- I've been to the gp. Am on medication. It's pointless going back, they won't do anything. Except increase dose - but they can't as it's at max.

Tried therapy. Ran out of money.

He's always shown great impatience around my mh and is of the 'just pull yourself together' variety.

Hollow, I don't have the resources- financially or emotionally to contemplate leaving him at the moment. It's just saddening to have to face these lies with a partner who doesn't give a flying fuck.

*lows (not lies)

I don't mean to be harsh, but you're quite needy aren't you? Not everyone can deal with that, especially not men (and I KNOW that's a generalisation, before I get shouted at!) Mine would probably be sympathetic if it happened once, but after that he'd get embarrassed and impatient, especially if there was nothing he could do to help. You probably need to see the gp for help with depression.

I think you need to look at doing things for you. Join a gym class or evening study. You can do courses online if leaving your son is a problem. Do you work? Develop independence and provide your own happiness.

Singles- yes I guess you're right.

I always imagined a relationship would involve supporting the other partner emotionally and cheering them up when sad etc. That's the kind of person I am.

I just have no one to meet my needs. Then my self esteem gets low because I feel like I don't have a right to have any needs.

Do you think you may have depression? If so, you should go to your doctor. If you're clinically depressed (and crying all day, feeling detached from others, feeling as if you're acting all the time etc are all symptoms of clinical depression) then no amount of 'being nice' by your dp is going to cure you, any more than it would cure a broken leg. If you're ill, you need treatment.

As to why dp is behaving like this, maybe he's just overwhelmed and has no idea what to do? You've got worse over the past few months, but you've had bouts of this for years. I'm not trying to be horrible, but it can be very, very wearing living with someone with clinical depression. People realise, instinctively, that there's not much they can do to change anything. After a while, they can get resentful, even angry. He's right, you know, he hasn't done anything, and he sounds as if he's feeling accused by you. If you're depressed, you're asking him to do something he can't do - cure you - and he knows he can't. His wife is sitting around crying, for no reason he can understand, on this lovely sunny evening. She's being doing this for ages. Every time he tries to find out what's going on, it ends in a big row, with her accusing him of not loving her. He has no clue why she thinks that. So now he's given up, and has started to withdraw. He's given up trying to deal with this.

Do you have kids? This whole dynamic sounds very unhealthy. Please see a doctor.

I just want him to be 'there' for me and listen I guess.

Sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. Or at least how YOU view marriage.

You need to find your inner strength and not be dependent on a "random" to feel validated - I know he's your husband, but DOES HE HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART?

Stop cooking and doing laundry for him. You ARE NOT HIS MAID!!

I have a DS age 10. Please do not let him grow up repeating this toxic pattern.

It sounds like you’re depressed. I also have depression and have felt like you do, like nobody cares, that I’m completely alone, and it’s all I can think about. I don’t want to sound harsh or uncaring, but how often do you attempt to bring this up with him? Are you moping and miserable all day every day, or do you still manage to have a laugh and regular conversations with your DP?

If you’re like this all the time, it could be a bit overwhelming for him, if he doesn’t know why you’re constantly on a downer. Obviously he should be wanting to listen and support you though not getting cross - have you ever managed to discuss your feelings with him or has he always been disinterested whenever you’ve wanted to talk about something personal? It makes a big difference if he’s NEVER taken the time to support you, or if he has had the conversation with you several times already and now perhaps doesn’t know how to handle it

Scabetty- good ideas, but I don't have any money at present as I don't work and h tells me we are skint and it's my fault as I'm lazy & don't work.

I am due to start a new job in the next few weeks which is causing me a lot of anxiety.

When I tell (d(h I'm anxious he poo poos it & says there's no need to feel like that.

Hi OP sorry you feel like this

My suggestion would be this : you explain to him you feel sad, that it is not his fault, but that he can help by simply listening without providing solutions, and giving you a hug and some affection. After a little time doing these things you will feel better.

Literally say these words to him. He doesn’t understand unless you use clear communication that explains what you need, he is not a mind reader.

I have seen my gp numerous times and am taking medication. As stated above I also took myself to a private therapist for almost a year until my money ran out.

I'm not sure what else the gp can do. It's a nightmare to get an appt and a waste of time when I do.