Why won't (d)h talk to me?

[GrittySandals]

Every time I try to talk to him or say I feel sad or lonely he sighs in annoyance and says he just wants to relax/ he's tired / it's late. Always excuses.

Case in point- after cooking his dinner tonight (didn't want anything myself) he ate it and has just gone outside to sit in the garden. He's been in and out a couple of times and seen me sat inside crying- but has just ignored me. Oh - he did announce that a garden chair had broken - but other than that I feel invisible.

I am scared to tell him how I feel
(Ie sad & unloved) as he'll have a go at me and start shouting that he 'hasn't done anything..'

I just want someone (him) to show they care and show some kindness / concern & and listen to me.

I can't make him do that, I'm not sure how to go about telling him what I need. If I talk to him he shouts at me and turns it into an argument.

Sorry posted too soon but YES I feel 1000% like that

How old are you?

Have you always been depressed in adult life or had periods of happiness?

OP or sounds really shit and I feel for you.

But your just really stuck at the moment and drowning in ennui. It is not impossible for you to leave your husband.

Take some agency in your life! You are in control of it and you need to stop ruminating on how hopeless it all is and start acting. Think about what you want life to be like in 1 years time and start setting small goals. You can change things if you try but they won't change on their own.

I'm 47. I've had depression for 28 years. There are periods of being 'ok' (just about coping) and periods of being utterly broken. I seem to have major 'down' episodes at least every 2 years, irrespective of medication.

Oh, and this might be controversial but I'd also look into maybe coming off your medication. I think it's fogging your thinking and deadening your emotions when you need to be sharp. Just my opinion, I work in this field and we see this a lot.

Your depression is telling you something. It's not about faulty brain chemistry, there is no evidence for this theory yet it is presented as fact.

Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now. Just do some reading around maybe?

You (and others on this thread) need to stop blaming yourself for this. What you are describing is domestic abuse - textbook coercive control by "DH".

Please read these links -
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels

If this strikes a chord, for the sake of you and your DS long term, you need to break the cycle.

The one thing I have learnt is YOU are in charge of your own happiness. It’s not anyone else’s job to make you happy. If he’s not being supportive, do something that makes YOU happy. OP, you only have one time on this world, when I have anxiety that’s what I tell myself. I am here ONCE. I am in control of ME.

The OP's DH sounds like an abusive tw*t. Its really hard to just "pull yourself together" when you live with someone like that, especially if they control the finances. It's a living hell that seems like a trap, with no way out.

OP: go to Women's Aid or find a local similar group, and explain the behaviours. I am sure you'll feel enormous relief, because what you need is validation that you're not being needy or over-reacting. Then you will get the strength to make a plan.

Thankyou flippertygibbet

Its what I was getting a, but didn't have the balls to call it out.

It sounds either like classic emotional abuse, or that the OP's DH has no empathy, a sign of narcissistic personality disorder.

I agree - do some reading, and although it may be shocking, the clarity will make you feel better, as you'll realise this isn't your fault.

I'd agree with women's aid too. This all sounds like such a huge pot of different issues coming together to make a toxic soup.

I think a holistic approach could help. A multi-pronged time of self care plus outside support. I hope you can find the strength for yourself and your child. It's possible the new job will lead to higher self esteem and new friends. Do you have friends btw?

The only person that can make you happy is you. You can’t make someone change who they are but you can change yourself. Start small simple changes like saying a mantra everyday, 10 minute mindfulness, you can do yoga at home (YouTube) even just setting aside 10mins to read or a day. Physical excercise is proven to help depression start small. You need to persevere with the little changes and build them up. Start today. Iife can be difficult as can relationships but You have the power to change it

Right, you’re clearly not getting what you need and deserve from your husband and the way he treats your son sounds very unpleasant. Re your GP being unhelpful, can you ask to see another doctor? If you’re feeling so low you think you might harm yourself you can go to A&E. Not all doctors refuse to change your medication - I’m sorry you’ve had one like that, I’ve also had ones that didn’t listen or understand but others will take what you say on board and prescribe something different (speaking from experience).

Have you got any family or friends you can spend time with at the weekends and bring your son along? Hopefully your new job will allow you to cultivate friendships with colleagues and get you some positive interaction. I understand you cant handle the stress of leaving your H now but can you work towards building up your life and your self esteem to a place where that would be possible? Because if he’s always been like this and it isn’t a result of him being worn down, then it’s unlikely to ever change

Op, sorry, just caught up, my gleeful insult comment wasn't to you it was to another poster.

Could there be something else wrong that's not diagnosed? To be suffering from extreme depression for 28 years with major down episodes every two years, could it be something else? That maybe they have misdiagnosed you?

Thanks... but this thing about going to a&e I just don't get. What would they do with me?

I'd walk in all nice & polite and apologetic.
Join a queue.
Wait 6 hours.
Get seen.
Politely explain I feel suicidal.
I can imagine the reaction I'd get.

Nobody ever takes me seriously. I don't know what I need to do to get through to people the depth of his bad I feel. H treats me like I don't matter and my feelings are not valid. I suppose over the time we've been together I've come to believe that.

I have an incredibly hard time believing that anything if anyone will ever help me. And I don't mean to be defeatist - it's just how I feel.

Op be your own best friend.

Yes another person can affect how you feel, but only if you let it. As you are depressed and anxious then trying to reach out to your DH is making it worse then stop. It's not bottling it up if you acknowledge how you feel. I do sometimes think talking to someone who cannot help leads to a downward spiral of doom.

I think the new job will be great for you. Do not worry, people are worrying about themselves not you. Most people are selfish and self centred like that.

You've got this OP

Bluntness, I don't know. They've had plenty of chances to consider the diagnosis over the years!

I did ask once if it could be bipolar, but I don't get 'high' enough, just episodes of ok - very low - so was told it's not that.

I don't really want to cultivate work friendships. Sorry if that sounds odd, but I'd find it too hard work maintaining it with all I have going on atm.

Also I feel I have too much baggage to be much use as a friend. As pp upthread have said in here I come across as needy selfish & moping.

I find it hard to trust people. Really I just want to disappear. I don't know if I'm suicidal- but if someone told me I had a week to live I think I'd be quite relieved.

According to patient info, if you go to A+ E with suicidal thoughts, they will arrange for the on- call mental health specialist to see you, review you and arrange a plan, which will be followed up.

I have no personal experience of this, I just looked it up for you, so you know. You are not worthless, and I certainly would not believe your H on the matter. You do sound like you need some support, though.

As above, try Women’s Aid. More comfy than A+ E and they will give you a cup of tea and biscuit, no waiting. I am not really convinced it is all your mental health which is the problem.

It actually sounds more like trauma than depression, certainly in your present circumstances.

He thinks shouting at & belittling DS is completely ok. He just gets angry with me for daring to question him. He will twist and manipulate and do everything he can except concede he made a mistake and say sorry for it.

This is classic domestic abuse. Every last bit of it.

As is him controlling all the money, even yours.

As are several other examples you posted after the bit I've quoted.

Living with an abusive man will make you depressed and anxious and leave you feeling lonely and crying. It will leave you with thoughts of suicide.

It's like your husband was lifted out of a textbook, he's that abusive.

I've been the child in the position your son is now. Having a mum who stood silently by while my father laid into me over nothing and broke me down, and then tried to smooth over it afterwards with all the "he doesn't mean it" nonsense. It was monstrously confusing and soul destroying.

It feels desperately lonely, and like being abandoned, to have one parent verbally attacking you on a regular basis while the other one stands by doing nothing. He's a child, he doesn't have the option to leave. He needs you to act. Speaking to him afterwards, while well intentioned, is just making it even more confusing and painful by highlighting the fact that neither of the adults in his life who should be protecting him are doing so. He will end up traumatised and depressed.

All he will be seeing is you doing nothing to protect him. That is all I really remember. Feeling abandoned and afraid.

And yes, of course he will be copying his father's behaviour. Who is telling him it's unacceptable and abnormal? You're accepting it. He has no wider frame of reference or perspective to tell him this isn't how everybody else behaves. You do.

KataraJean is right about contact. And that's not a good enough reason to force your child to endure this situation 24/7. Please let him experience feeling safe and loved and protected by not having to live with this abusive man. That will make a much bigger difference than you attempting to "comfort" him after he's been unnecessarily verbally attacked. Why settle for trying to comfort him afterwards when you can prevent him from being abused in the first place? You have that power.

Leaving is hard, but staying is harder. There is support for women leaving abusive relationships. If you can access that support they can help you with the depression/anxiety that's the result of being abused for however many years you've been living like this. It will get you more focused help and support. Not less.

I went through years of that cycle with GPs you've described here. The depression/anxiety that never got better and only being offered half arsed unhelpful solutions. Sitting there telling them I felt suicidal and being told "ok, see you in 4 weeks". Once the abuse came out into the open and my GP knew about it, the support changed. I finally got proper help to recover.

If you keep all this secret nobody can help you with it. You don't have to live like this. Your life can get better.

Just reading KJ's last post.

I've been through the A&E whilst feeling suicidal route. Your analysis of what you thought would happen was pretty much spot on. They will assess you to see if they think you're in immediate danger, and if not send you home. They may write to your GP to let them know you attended A&E, but they might not. They might refer you to the crisis team for assessment, but CT are pretty notorious for refusing to see pretty much anybody. They have a very high threshold for getting involved.

Only other course of action that can be started by A&E is hospitalisation, but there are so few beds the threshold for that is even higher than CT's already high threshold. A&E can't make - or at least I do not know anybody who has had it happen - care plans or recommendations about other courses of treatment. They're a risk assessment process, and most likely you would only see a psychiatric nurse not a psychiatrist.

but if you get to the point of being desperate, where samaritans isn't enough, and you need to speak to a human face to face, then just go to A&E. It's better than suffering in desperation alone. They have always been kind to me when I've been there with MH. When you sign in at reception just say "I'm here to see psych". You don't need to give more info than that. They will know what to do. If they don't hear you or query it just repeat the same phrase. You are not required to give further detail at the reception desk. (I was told this by the psych team because they were annoyed at people being given the run around.)

I think if you resolved living with an abuser, the way you're feeling now would improve. I also think it's more about what you're having to endure - which is extreme - than your head.

Women's Aid are 0808 2000 247.

If you've read the various comments on here about him being abusive and thought "eh?" then www.freedomprogramme.co.uk can answer that question.

I have an incredibly hard time believing that anything if anyone will ever help me. And I don't mean to be defeatist - it's just how I feel.

No, it's not how you feel. It's how depression feels. You have been in therapy, you must know that this is the illness talking? The attitude of defeatism you have right now is because you are ill. It is not reality. You have just suffered a major bereavement, and you have many other things on your plate. These issues have combined with your depressive cycle to make this episode particularly bad. You are monstering your husband, scaring your child, and putting yourself at risk of losing your new job. Believe me, if you go in this unwell, you may not last long there.

You need to step back. You are very ill, and need to get help. Just about everyone on this thread has told you that. Your interpretations of what is going on around you are skewed and unreliable. Stop listening to your illness, and start listening to us.

Go to the GP. Explain the situation has changed. Ask for a meds review. Ask for counselling (there is not a six month waiting list) or if you are genuinely suicidal, as for a referral to mental health services.

believe me if you go in this unwell you may big last long there

Should I just abandon any attempt at working then? I thought organisations were not allowed to discriminate against disabled employees? (Depression is a mental impairment- i.e. a disability..)

*may not

No, do not abandon any attempt at working! It may be just what you need to give you focus outside of your marriage.

But also, you are the one who will give HR your bank details. You should be giving HR your personal bank account, and then pay a proportion into the billing account.

Thus, you and your H together earn x amount. He earns 75% of the total, you earn 25%. Your contribution to the billing account is 25% of the costs of the bills. You don’t put your whole salary in, you put in proportionately to what you each earn.

Putting your whole salary in, whilst he saves money from his, is financial abuse. You should pay proportionately and have something left back for you.