Why won't (d)h talk to me?

[GrittySandals]

Every time I try to talk to him or say I feel sad or lonely he sighs in annoyance and says he just wants to relax/ he's tired / it's late. Always excuses.

Case in point- after cooking his dinner tonight (didn't want anything myself) he ate it and has just gone outside to sit in the garden. He's been in and out a couple of times and seen me sat inside crying- but has just ignored me. Oh - he did announce that a garden chair had broken - but other than that I feel invisible.

I am scared to tell him how I feel
(Ie sad & unloved) as he'll have a go at me and start shouting that he 'hasn't done anything..'

I just want someone (him) to show they care and show some kindness / concern & and listen to me.

I can't make him do that, I'm not sure how to go about telling him what I need. If I talk to him he shouts at me and turns it into an argument.

I don’t know why everyone is going easy on your husband. He sounds atrocious. He took vows to care for you in sickness and health.

I think he is probably a root cause of your depression, and will never be of any support to you. He sounds selfish and unpleasant. There are benefits you could claim if you left. You do not need him.

Hang on , is he often unkind, nasty and impatient with your child?

Op, but he is has not been unwell for years, he doesn't cry several times a day for 28 years, he doesn't constantly need support.

You are not well. This is awful for you. But you do need to accept it puts a pressure and stress on your husband that he does not put on you. Every day. There is no happiness there for him either. He lives daily in difficult conditions.

So it's not he doesn't care, but possibly he has reached the stage where he needs to protect his own mental health. Where he has given all he can.

Please try to see it from his side too and be gentle. There are two of you in this relationship and your prolonged illness impacts both of you.

He took vows to care for you in sickness and health

Do you have no empathy? Have you no concept of living with someone seriously mentally ill day in day out for years? None? For you he took a vow so this is his life and he should just suck it up or she should leave him? And you get to gleefully insult him online?

Seriously?

Grumpy - yes. And if I say anything he mocks me and sneers. Like he did just now.

I haven't been with him for 28 years. I have had depression for 28 years, but the majority of this time I was single.

As I says before he knew I had depression when he met me and promised to look after me...quite apart from the vows as pp has pointed out.

I still try to care for him ( listen, support etc) 'for better for worse' (despite my illness ) but my viewpoint is very much in the minority.

Gleefully insult him online..?

That's low.

I've read all of this until the oh shouting at ds part.

This is where you have to put your big girl shoes on. Tbh....it's your ds I feel for. Something needs to change for his sake as well as yours. If you were controlling your depression and it wasn't affecting ds then I'd say continue with the medication- see how you can go about changing it, try more counselling etc. Your OH can't be blamed for not knowing how to be there you - he is who he is. He's not a trained counsellor and no doubt whatever he said would be wrong anyway....
*
However* youve said he's out in the garden shouting at ds. You haven't said what for but I'm reading it as though it's a pretty toxic household you all live in. Something needs to change drastically - there's a child involved.

I'm sorry but you are also in the wrong for speaking to your ds about this. You will be messing with a child's head. If your oh was being unkind - tell your OH. But please don't tell him you are unwell and his dad was in the wrong. What kind of views is your ds going to have for you both?

Sorry to sound harsh. I suffer with depression. Yes I need all the love and support I can get - anyone with depression does. But tough love is just as good at times and this is what I feel you need at this point. Yes your oh sounds like a complete prick. But you can't change him. You can only change you. It's like you are blaming him for your depression as he isn't showing you love or affection. Granted that won't be helping. But will it make any difference if he did? Nope. It's only you that can help you. Depression is your illness and only you can beat it. If you really are depressed he could be there for you night and day but it still wouldn't make a difference - depression would still be there. You need to be ready to fight it.

So like I said at the start of this post - put your big girl shoes on and start to make changes - for the sake of your ds more than anything.

As soon as I read your OP I knew, you are with one of those blokes I was with, everything ok as long as you were doing the care, organising things, taking care of the house, kids, relations, always having to be "up" always cheerful, whilst you disappeared, when you need help its "your needy, depressed,"
Can't offer much help except what I did, take some control back if my life, stop looking forward for validation from somebody who isn't able to give it,I live with a man who is very similar to yours, I just find my love, value and worth in myself, so much easier than trying to find it in someone else x

Wind your neck in Bluntness100. This obviously hits a nerve for you but I’ll share my opinion with the OP nonetheless.

It sounds a lot like building up to being able to even consider leaving your DH, who sounds unsupportive, unkind and uncaring would be a big but achievable goal. You can't rely on him to make you feel better (even if he was supportive). Honestly, it helps to have someone who doesn't get angry/annoyed and a dickhead generally about you being low/depressed/anxious, but my experience of now having a super supportive DP is that actually it doesn't make things much easier (versus no partner). Nothing my DP could say or do would make me feel better in those moments. It has to come from me. His support is in accepting that this is who I am, that life is tough for me, and also in supporting me pursuing things that help me manage my MH (for me that is interacting with animals, volunteering, being outdoors, exercise and not leaving myself with my own thoughts for too long indoors). Taking control of my MH (including riding through dark days and not being hard on myself about those) has been empowering, even though objectively I guess in many ways I am not much better.

Do you currently spend much time out of the house (alone or with DS)? Do you have any hobbies? Would you like to have one(+)? What gives you glimpses of "happiness" (or contentment)?

It doesn't hit a nerve with me, but this is an open forum and as much as you can share your opinion the rest of us can challenge that.

If you don't like it don't post.

No I’m quite happy with that, it’s just quite typical of your style of posting and at times it gets wearing.

In sickness and in health means in sickness and in health. The dh sounds like a selfish twat.

Arghhh- the problem is I have tried the 'speaking to h about it'. It just does not work. He refuses to engage or accept what he's done is wrong / unhelpful for DS. He thinks shouting at & belittling DS is completely ok. He just gets angry with me for daring to question him. He will twist and manipulate and do everything he can except concede he made a mistake and say sorry for it.

Pretty much the way he thinks ignoring / disrespecting his wife is ok I imagine.

Badger - your DH sounds wonderful. If only H would even consider allowing me time to do what makes me feel better!! No, he's insisted I go back to work. No consideration of anything which might help me alongside that.

I feel like a cash cow who once she's no longer fit to make money should just be put down.

Oh GrittySandals, you don’t deserve any of this. I hope you realise that. But you can’t change people. Was he ever supportive, or did you just kind of fall in with him, always hoping he would eventually treat you kindly and respectfully?

For the sake of some of the posters, can you imagine what it is like being ignored, being made to feel like you don't matter, by someone who is supposed to love you and someone you go out of your way to care and love. Its a massive kick in the teeth, its feeling like you are not worth anything, it makes you feel just fucking awful. The only way to help yourself is to detach, love yourself, get loads of help to love yourself and keep on doing that x

Omg op. Emoticon fail. I meant to write .

Bluntness I gave no problem with your opinion and value all who have taken the time to post to try to help.

I do feel that it's a bit unfair to say I am gleefully insulting h online. He is at liberty to look for support online if he wants to even if it involved 'insulting me' - I don't care.

As others have said I need to take responsibility for helping myself and I thought getting some support from MN might be a way to start that.

Also, I feel far from gleeful at the moment I can assure you.

@GrittySandals right well like I say, do something to sort it. You don't need to live like this do you? Your ds doesn't have to grow up in this atmosphere? Change it.

Babycow - thank you so much - that's exactly how I feel.

I'm beginning to feel i have no right / expectation to feel any other way really.

Ok so leave?

On the plus side, once you are working, you will not be financially dependent on him.

Have you looked at any peer support groups in your area? There is a group near me which is run by and for people with MH issues (all sorts of things). It's a different dynamic than the counsellor/doctor/therapist-patient type relationship that other support offers. It's worth considering as, especially if you are at all socially isolated, it can mean a lot to have someone to speak to and be around who understanding but also you know isn't there because they're being paid. And you're helping one another! It's a real toughie to start with because of course so many people suffer from anxiety around meeting new people, etc, but once you're over that hump it can help some people.

I have no energy to leave - I'm not string enough at the moment. I think the extra stress would tip me over the edge and possibly lead to suicide..

Dirtybadger, is that a Mind type support group?

Once You're working you won't be financially dependent on him

I very much will I'm afraid. It's a low paid pt job. All the funds will be going into the billing account which he administers and regularly reminds me us in 'shit state'.