Why won't (d)h talk to me?

[GrittySandals]

Every time I try to talk to him or say I feel sad or lonely he sighs in annoyance and says he just wants to relax/ he's tired / it's late. Always excuses.

Case in point- after cooking his dinner tonight (didn't want anything myself) he ate it and has just gone outside to sit in the garden. He's been in and out a couple of times and seen me sat inside crying- but has just ignored me. Oh - he did announce that a garden chair had broken - but other than that I feel invisible.

I am scared to tell him how I feel
(Ie sad & unloved) as he'll have a go at me and start shouting that he 'hasn't done anything..'

I just want someone (him) to show they care and show some kindness / concern & and listen to me.

I can't make him do that, I'm not sure how to go about telling him what I need. If I talk to him he shouts at me and turns it into an argument.

I agree with others saying you need things to do just for you. Honestly, I experienced similar from people when I was sitting around crying all the time in the throes of depression as a teenager, at the time I thought they were so heartless not to rally around me but with hindsight I can see how it looked from the outside: that I was attention seeking, looking for sympathy, guilt-tripping them, and excluding myself but blaming them for excluding me (obviously I wasn’t knowingly doing any of those things but I can see why an outsider would think of it like that).

It sounds like he’s at a loss as to how to support you and you do sound a bit defeatist refusing to go back to the GP. I know NHS mental healthcare isn’t all that, but there are other things you could be doing to help yourself. Take up a hobby (plenty of free ones if you’re skint, like jogging or drawing etc) just take time to do something you enjoy, get a self-help book, look into online therapies... as others said, you have to want to help yourself when it comes to mental health. Also, the new job could have a positive effect - routine and having colleagues to chat to every day made a huge difference to me

First things first. Well done on the job front. Being anxious is normal when doing something new but you will be fine. You will regain your confidence quickly once working. Having a bit more money will help you to build family time and me time. Your dh is probably depressed himself.

Johnny, I don't mean to sound defeatist. But when you have struggled fir as long as I have (28 years) and been back & forth to the GP countless times over the years, and are still no better, it's really hard to feel hopeful,

I have tried to help myself in the past, I'm just feeling too low to climb out of the hole I'm in right now.

Also I feel it's important to say that h knew I was depressed when he met me and promised to help me and look after me. That lasted about 1 year.

Scabetty, thanks for your encouragement. I hope I'll feel ok, but I'm worried about crying on way to work & anxiety causing me to break down when at work.

I've been very frank with the Occ health forms, and guess I'm anxious about potential discrimination/ judging in that front too.

You sound incredibly depressed. Your gp can change your medication, it may be the one you are on isn’t working for you and that is very common. They can also refer you for nhs MBT, CBT or one on one therapy. I mean this kindly, but you are very defeatist. There are things that you can do and that your gp can help you with. Your dh shouldn’t be shaming you or calling you lazy but it may be that he just doesn’t understand how low you feel. It’s ok to feel this way and the situation isn’t helpless but you need to help yourself too. Maybe start with a gp appointment, we can help you write bullet points to discuss if that would help? And ask your dh to come too. Phrase it as “I have an important health issue, I have made an appt with the gp (choose a date/time you know he will be able to make himself available) and I need to you to come with me please”. If he refuses then try to reiterate that you are feeling very low and you’re asking for him to attend an appointment, that’s all. If he still says no then attend by yourself and really talk to your gp. Tell him how you are feeling, that your marriage is failing as you feel unsupported by your husband and that your current medication isn’t working as you still feel very low despite the high dose.

You can get help, there are medications and therapies out there I promise.

In the nicest possible way OP you need to get a grip. It is very unfair to apportion blame to your husband for the state of your own mental health.

Echoing what pp have said; it's time for YOU to take charge of your own life and stop waiting around feeling miserable until your knight in shining armour comes to the rescue.

Getting a job is a great start, well done. The worst thing for depression/anxiety is sitting around at home stewing over the same destructive/negative thoughts all day.

Try to get outside in the fresh air and sunshine at least once a day. Even if only for a little walk. Build up to some proper exercise and you'll find this helps no end.

H is now shouting at DS in the garden. feel so ashamed - everyone will hear. He's so nasty to him, unkind and impatient. All DS did was ask if he could have a yoghurt.

I feel so shit as I'd love to have a go at h and stand up for DS.

Have you tried yoga or meditation for relaxation techniques. Honestly, it sounds a bit hippy dippy I know but it may work when you feel overwhelmed. Slowing your breathing or breathing deeply before doing something you are nervous of helps. I work in a school which teaches this to the kids as SLT feel it is calming. Also, you know all those people you think are coping, well, many of us are anxious and hiding it

Bestest- I'm not apportioning blame to him!

It would just be nice if he acted like he even liked me, let alone was my supposed DH.

Scabetty- I used to go to yoga about a year ago. Then I stopped work and couldn't afford it. As soon as I have some money I'd love to do it again.

Although, even that caused me anxiety! Getting there in time, getting place at back of class etc. I can't deal with being at the front, I arrived late once and had to go at the front and had to leave after about 10 mins as I felt everyone was staring at me.

I’m 30, have struggled with BPD, depression and epilepsy. It’s taken time for me to find the right therapy, the right meds. You can do this.

Wellfuckme - thank you. I've explained it over and over to gp. Never had any nhs treatment other than wishy washy group sessions that didn't even scratch the surface of how I felt.

The only thing g worth having was the private therapy but at £60 per hour I simply couldn't afford any more.

Putting aside the MH problems for a moment....

is there any further advice on how to encourage a partner to talk to you- and how to communicate how you feel without - as one PP suggested - appearing to 'apportion blame'?

Why don't you? Your poor ds. Shouting dad and mum too depressed and defeated to stand up for him.
You need to go back to a doctor, a different one if possible. Every little bit of strength you have left needs to be used to decide you can make this better. Get angry. Get pissed off. You need help and your doctor is the person who should be helping you and they are fobbing you off with ads that obviously don't work for you. Ring Mind, say you need help. Your husband can't help. I'm sure when he meet you he thought love would be enough., and then he discovered it wasn't and is stuck in the depression loop with you. Too depressed to help yourself, not helping yourself leads to more depression. You need to decide enough is enough. Kick in the doctor's door and don't leave til they offer something more.

Things- I (just about) have some dignity left and feel a semi public shouting match in the garden would not help DS or myself.

DS knows how I feel and I tell him quietly afterwards that I live him and that I feel unwell and that H was being unkind and that DS hasn't done anything wrong.

I feel it was very unfair to accuse me of letting DS down because I'm 'depressed and defeated',

I think your dh is depressed too. Write down how you feel, what you want for the future and how you are going to make it happen. You ds has to be central in the plans. Once you have that speak to dh and see if he is prepared to make the same effort you are. But you have to play your part and get a job.

Can you try to turn this round to see his point of view?

Living with someone seriously ill for many years takes it's toll. It's very very difficult for that person. Even with the best will in the world, it's hard to keep going. At some point you need to protect your own mental health.

Mental illness by its definition makes people selfish. Because it's about how they are supported. It's about them. They don't look at how their partner is. What they are going through. What support they need.

I think if you've sought much medical help there is sadly little advice people can give, other than go back to your doctors. Explain you're still crying several times a day, suffer from anxiety. Maybe they can change your medication, do something to help you.

This situation must be very difficult , not just for you, but your husband and your child. For all your sakes I think you need to try the doctor again. If you can't do it for you do it for them.💐

I don't think he's depressed at all. I have asked him if he is and he says no- HE is fine.

Oh OP!
Does your DH show you any affection in other ways?Has he always been like this?
I know how it feels to have anxiety and depression,how you need everything to be shown in black and white but I also know how it feels to be with someone who shows no emotion, no affection and how utterly soul destroying that can be as you feel its all you and that they aren't bothered.
Take care op xx

If you've had a YEAR of therapy and are taking the max dose of antidepressants and you aren't any better then something in your life isn't working.

It's really hard to get a feel of what's going on in your marriage from your post. You paint an image of your husband as a cold, cruel man who has fallen out of love with you, yet you also come across as moping, wallowing and hard work (sorry but true).

He's right about the anxiety about work, everyone gets nervous before starting a new job, we just get on with it, what the hell do you expect him to say?!

It it not your husbands responsibility to make you happy it's yours. Something in your life clearly isn't working for you, that may be your marriage or something else. You need to work out what you value in life and how you want to live it for yourself.

DS knows how I feel and I tell him quietly afterwards that I live him and that I feel unwell and that H was being unkind and that DS hasn't done anything wrong

Please don't do this. Tell your son you're ill and your husband is being unkind. Talk to your husband after if you feel he was unkind, but don't make your son worried about both his parents. Tell your son you love him by all means, but leave it there and deal with your husband as two adults.

Bluntness, the hurtful thing is, throughout all my problems I've always tried to support & listen to him.

There was just one time when I responded to him as he responds to me and it made me feel cruel and hateful and uncaring. Thus, I concluded that's how he feels when he treats me the way he does - but he just doesn't care!

moping wallowing and hard work*

No- just depressed. I wish I could just snap out of ur as so many people seem to think.

I'll make yet another GP appointment- but at the risk of sounding defeatist, after 28 years of making GP appts, I wonder if this will be the magic appt that changes everything.

The thing is you can talk to him all you want but are you ready for his answers or lack of? You say you can’t leave so what will you do if he says he’s off? Your poor ds needs a stable home life with interested parents so what can you do to ensure that? You must focus on that.