Why won't (d)h talk to me?

[GrittySandals]

Every time I try to talk to him or say I feel sad or lonely he sighs in annoyance and says he just wants to relax/ he's tired / it's late. Always excuses.

Case in point- after cooking his dinner tonight (didn't want anything myself) he ate it and has just gone outside to sit in the garden. He's been in and out a couple of times and seen me sat inside crying- but has just ignored me. Oh - he did announce that a garden chair had broken - but other than that I feel invisible.

I am scared to tell him how I feel
(Ie sad & unloved) as he'll have a go at me and start shouting that he 'hasn't done anything..'

I just want someone (him) to show they care and show some kindness / concern & and listen to me.

I can't make him do that, I'm not sure how to go about telling him what I need. If I talk to him he shouts at me and turns it into an argument.

Thanks Katura. I just feel maybe in the middle of a major depression is not the best time to be starting a new job after all.

If I go to the gp and they sign me off work before I've even started, or shortly after, maybe the pp is right, I won't last long.

Oh and h says he already puts in 100% of his money and it's not enough. He has taken out loans in the past (without consulting me) and that firms a huge part of the household expenses which I am supposed to help pay for.

What kind of job is it? Can you go and talk to the HR about occupational health support? That is their role.

It seems such a lot of things together, I do think you would benefit from talking to someone at WA or the Citizen’s Advice Bureau, the latter can also advise on money. If you don’t start the job, it just increases your isolation and financial dependence.

I have been depressed before so I am not talking from a position of ignorance. Try to access all the support you can out of your marriage, as your husband is just sucking you down further in my opinion.

It's a low paid pt admin role. They don't care about me and will prob try to get rid of me ASAP.

If I go to my gp and they sign me off I'm not sure I'll be able to start anyway.

I'm seeing the CAB today to ask where I stand if I am unwell & unable to start new job.

Gritty, you have 6 pages full of helpful advice none of which you are taking up. Ultimately you need to help yourself, whether that’s leaving your husband or tackling your mental health with different drs until you find one who listens (I went through 3 gp’s before settling on one). And I worry that the way you’re dealing with your ds isn’t healthy. You say he said your husband didn’t shout at him, it’s possible you are projecting your own feelings. Your husband will get access based on what the courts and organisations like cahms is appropriate. You need to start being proactive and not just saying “I can’t” to every bit of help or advice, practical or otherwise, you are offered. You are responsible for yourself and you don’t have to do it alone but you do need to shake this defeatist attitude.

*decide is appropriate

Why would they try to get rid of you as soon as possible if they have just taken you on? That makes no sense. There are costs associated with hiring someone, so they would not have given you the job if they did not want to do it.

Have you ever done CBT?

Hi OP

I think I’ve read the whole thread, but apologies if I’ve missed some of your comments and responses.

You said:
“I'm 47. I've had depression for 28 years. There are periods of being 'ok' (just about coping) and periods of being utterly broken. I seem to have major 'down' episodes at least every 2 years, irrespective of medication.”

I can relate to this hugely. I’m 44 and I’ve had depression since I was 12. I’ve been in therapy and on medication for 21 years. And like you, I have periods of being ok, and periods of being utterly broken. I also have periods of being ‘up’ and resilient and positive.

I understand that you’ve tried therapy and you’ve tried medication and you feel no better overall, and I can hear how low and how frustrated you are.

Things that have helped me:

• make a list of things that make you happy when you’re feeling ok so that you have it to refer to when you’re low. This might be specific books or films, or going for a walk.

• keep a gratitude journal. This really did help me change my thinking a little bit

• this book really helped me challenge my negative thinking: www.amazon.co.uk/Conquer-Your-Stress-Management-Shapers/dp/085292853X/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Conquer+your+stress&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1531230716&sr=8-1

• I’ve seen this book recommended on here a lot so have just bought a copy - although haven’t read it yet: www.amazon.co.uk/Happiness-Trap-Based-revolutionary-mindfulness-based/dp/184529825X?tag=mumsnetforum-21

• exercise helps. Can you commit to a 20-min walk every day? Try to get outside and do that if you can.

And finally - I know you’ve said you’re not strong enough to leave your husband at the moment. I do think you’ll find, when you’re ready, that it’s much easier to live without him. I’ve come to realise that I’m much better off single - I feel calmer, more in control and less sensitive. I’ll probably always be alone, but that’s ok. Your relationship sounds so unhappy - on both sides.

Wishing you the very best of luck

Should I just abandon any attempt at working then? I thought organisations were not allowed to discriminate against disabled employees? (Depression is a mental impairment- i.e. a disability..)

It's not as simple as that. Firstly, have you declared your disability to your new employers? Secondly, employment protections really only properly kick in after two years. During your probation period, they can sack you with a week's notice, for any reason. After that, some level of protection kicks in, but you are not fully protected until you have done two years. Even then, if they want you out, they'll find a way. I have lost my job in exactly this scenario (I'm bipolar).

So no, you shouldn't give up the idea of working, but you need to be much more prepared than you are. You need to have already sought help, and you need to have declared all this to Occupational Health.

You are experiencing feelings of paranoia and persecution. You are catastrophising everything. You have completely lost insight, and are refusing to ask for help. You are very unwell. Unless you step back and accept this, and start getting help, life is going to get a lot worse. You are in danger of making serious, life-changing mistakes here.

Bottom line: do you want to lose residency of your son? That's what is ultimately at stake. If you don't want that to happen, then go to the doctor.

Hi OP

Your husband is financially and emotionally abusive. As long as you stay with him, you will struggle to heal your mental health - it's like giving a person recovering from a broken leg a bag of rocks to carry around each day! You are also suffering from your mother's death and the fact you are supporting your brother and father with no backup for yourself. At the very least, it may be worth getting a cleaner for your brother if he works. It would be one less thing for you to do.

The good news is that you only have to take small steps in the same direction. Start by contacting women's aid and get an appointment with another GP. Write down everything - home life, husband, medication etc. Take it in. There are options. My aunt suffers from long term depression like yourself and her consultant has just changed her to a new (literally, just on the market) medication that has really helped.

Keep the job, if you feel you can. Even a low paid job will be a help if you decide to leave, later on. It lets you access in-work benefits and builds up pension and sickness contributions.

Arum: yes I have declared my disability and mental health to my employers. I've been very frank on the Occ Health questionnaire. They are also aware I've had time off in the past due to disability.

Hey Gritty,

A few things. I really feel for you. A lot of people don't understand how debilitating mental health can be and that it can't be cured by tablets just like that! I have chronic anxiety and it can be very exhausting so I totally understand that flat low mood you feel. It's almost a coping mechanism. That's the defeatist attitude that people have mentioned. It's not your fault. The flat, no energy, can't do anything about it is all part of it and it's so frustrating when people don't see it. I've had it for 9 years and I've had to educate myself in part in mental health because I too didn't get the right help in the beginning. I have a few pointers that helped me on the way. I hope they help you.

1: IAPT touchstone counselling. It is nhs but before you discount it, it saved my life. I did wait a long time for it (only because I could only do weekends) but just tell them you can do anytime (the new job should be accomodating for one hour a week, ask them about your hours around it) I got 21 sessions and an hour a week by a counsellor who was an ex mental health nurse. It was amazing. You don't have to go through your gp either. That's the best part. You just google the above and put your area after and see where they offer it. You can fill out a referral online and they can ring you to assess you over the phone. Don't do as I did and down play how bad it was. I ended up being referred for low intensity therapy at first. I then rang back and told them how bad it was and I needed high intensity which I got. So I was on the waiting list and whilst I was I was offered a six week course to watch some people talking on mental health and some techniques. I accepted but also kept on the waiting list for the one to one. It helped the wait for my one to one and it was very useful but I knew I needed more.

Then when I got to my counsellor, they offered a type of cbt called acceptance and commitment therapy ACT. Please accept this it changed my life. Really helped me understand my triggers and helped me with techniques to help deal with them. We also went very deep into my history to figure out where it was coming from.

2: The counsellor recommended a book to me. It's called the happiness trap. It's brilliant and explains why the brain acts as it does. Made me realise none of it was my fault or that I had to get a grip and get over it. It was reacting like that because it's programmed to. Mindfulness helps reset that.

1. When I have periods of panic or depression, I use this app on my phone called headspace. It's on android or iphone. They are things you can pay on it but there are lots of free stufd on it as well. I've never paid for anything on it. It's just a guy called andy on it who has the most relaxing voice. No dodgy music or anything. He just gives you mindfulness talks and exercises to do in ten min bite sizes. It always calms me down. Even if I have to listen to three in a row, it always helps me so much. I can do it at work, on the bus anywhere. No one knows I am doing it. You can listen on your earphones. Take some time each day or when you feel bad just do it. Tell your husband not to disturb you for ten mins and then go do it.

Also I just wanted to say, despite your mh issues, I think you have some relationship issues. It doesn't sound like your husband knows how to deal with these things but he isn't being kind in his responses. I know you are not in a mind to leave yet but seriously have a think about it. Neither of you seem happy. Deal with the above first and then when you feel on even footing, have a look at your life and see where you want.it to head.

Sorry for the long post but I felt compelled to write to you. Good luck with everything. Pm if you like.