Why won't (d)h talk to me?

[GrittySandals]

Every time I try to talk to him or say I feel sad or lonely he sighs in annoyance and says he just wants to relax/ he's tired / it's late. Always excuses.

Case in point- after cooking his dinner tonight (didn't want anything myself) he ate it and has just gone outside to sit in the garden. He's been in and out a couple of times and seen me sat inside crying- but has just ignored me. Oh - he did announce that a garden chair had broken - but other than that I feel invisible.

I am scared to tell him how I feel
(Ie sad & unloved) as he'll have a go at me and start shouting that he 'hasn't done anything..'

I just want someone (him) to show they care and show some kindness / concern & and listen to me.

I can't make him do that, I'm not sure how to go about telling him what I need. If I talk to him he shouts at me and turns it into an argument.

GrittySandals I understand that. So much.

Here’s the alternative. Draw a line in the sand. Empower yourself be accepting right now that he is not going to be your saviour or your hero. I maintain he is making you feel worse.

Tomorrow, do one thing just for you. Fuck him. Just for you. One thing.

Nottaken- thank you. What sort of things would you recommend doing 'for me'? I have such little energy. And no money...

Belittling your child is going to cause the poor baby his own mental health problems, believe me I know.

You cannot go on like this. My ex was depressed and it was exhausting to live with but the effects on my child have been catastrophic.

Demand your GP changes your meds
There is free online help, speak to the samaritans but you have to protect that child.

Grumpy- I'm trying to protect him as best I can

It is an independent local charity that I am thinking of, but I am sure it's similar to other groups. Peer-support I think it's referred to as? Google peer support and your town/city and I'm sure you'll find something, if it's something you think is worth exploring. One of my friends has BPD and he is a member of a group specifically for bipolar sufferers. They do a lot of activities which are heavily subsidised (gardening stuff, badminton, etc.) maybe even free...I'm not sure. Obviously a lot of people with MH diagnoses are out of work and/or not in a position to pay a lot of money to pursue thing that might help them, so I imagine lots of groups have a similar set up.

demand your gp changes your meds

It's not as easy as that. They just say (on rotation)
A. No
B. Take more
C. Wait and see how you feel
D. Wait 6 months for therapy,,, oh wait - you need ur sooner- so pay for it

I think the problem is that I am still 'functioning' and reasonably articulate. I just don't seem to register highly on their 'need' radar.

Which is ironic as pp have said how 'needy' I sound.

He was shouting at the boy over a yoghurt and you say he's often nasty, I'm sorry but you have to really do something.
I'm dealing with the appalling fall out here, so speak from horrible experience

I wish I could demand that my GP register me as medically unfit to work. Maybe I could then claim disability benefits?

What sort of things would you recommend doing 'for me'?

What about locking yourself in a room with a set of headphones and listen to one podcast or ted talk or something?

Grumpy, I'm doing all I can. I know the situation isn't good, but I can't just pack up and leave. That I'm sure would be even more traumatic & damaging.

OP to be honest I don't think it's your DH job to be your counsellor and solve your life's problems. It sounds like he's been on the receiving end of your depression for years, he probably feels pretty low in the marriage too.

Well done on getting a job, I felt pretty rubbish when I wasn't working for a time and much better once I was working again, more socialization and motivation etc.

I think you should focus on how you can help yourself and also try to work on your marriage separately from how you feel- go on some date nights, have fun together etc. A lot of people struggle with pressure and 'chats' and supporting their partner emotionally for long periods.

How is your personal care at the moment op? Could you even commit to take a shower including a good wash and conditioner in your hair - followed by a blow dry?
(Apologies if personal care isn’t an issue for you, it sometimes can be with mh.)

Grumpy- the other thing I've noticed which I worry about is that DS is copying H's habit of denying anything was said of is amiss. When I mentioned to DS earlier about H shouting at him, DS said 'no Mum he didn't!'

Either that or H is trying to turn DS against me. DS will have a go at me too sometimes.

That's not going to happen is it? If they won't look at other meds.

You sound very worn down. I do get that, truly but one day your child will be a fucked up angry man or a nervous wreck.

Can you see another GP? Write down how you feel if you come across as 'fine' exaggerate whatever.

Pineappler- thank you so much. I know you mean to help but I fancy a date night about as much as kicking a wall with a toothpick in my toenail right now...

Sorry if I missed it but do you have extended family?

Grumpy- not really no.

My mother died 5 months ago.

My gramdmother and her sister also died and I'm in the process of clearing out their house which has been hoarded in.

My dad is unwell.

My brother has aspergers and needs my support.

So I have to function to (a) clear the house (b) cook & clean for dad (c) offer practical & emotional support to my brother & also do his housework.

I don’t think the stress of leaving would kill you, sorry. I think it might give you some much needed space to heal and find things YOU like doing and the support you need out of your marriage.

I am really sorry, you have got a husband who calls you lazy, does not show love and affection, shouts at a child over yogurt, takes any money you are going to earn into a billing account (anything left over for spending yourself? For example on the therapy which you said helped?).

Of course going from feeling so bad about yourself to being your own person with your own life is not going to seem like a possible shift at the moment, but maybe if you can start to see that you are indeed worthy of more than this, it might help.

Speak to Women’s Aid. You are miserable in this marriage. It might not be obvious abuse, but some sections of what you say do not sit right with me. They are absolutely the best at signposting to free resources as well, as lots of the women they work with have limited means (having suffered financial abuse). Go talk to one of their support workers and see what they say.

I also second trying a different medication. Prozac made me like a zombie; Setraline worked much better.

Sorry, I missed your last post before mine.

No wonder you are so down, it all sounds overwhelming. Are you taking iron, vitamins and minerals?

Dear God, no wonder you're struggling so much, grief, loss, responsibility.

Ok, you really need support. Bereavement counselling? Some are free and there are forums.

You are wrong though that leaving an angry, belittling father would be worse than staying. Short term yes, very upsetting. The long term though is a messed up life.

Does the doctor know all your current situation?

Grumpy. The problem is if I left, h would no doubt share custody- and he would then carry on being horrible to DS without me being there to comfort him.

I do see that.

I do think book a double appointment with the doctor and write everything down as a start. Also google bereavement counselling.
The stronger you get the more able you'll be able to think clearly and make plans. Right now you're overwhelmed.

Do think about your diet won't you? Fish oils, B Vits and D have a powerful effect on the mind. Not a cure all but as part of an all round approach.

Hey OP - I did read most of this thread and also saw you posted last week and were feeling really low.

Really sorry you are going through all this and I also wonder if your DH was contributing to some of your self-esteem and depression issues.

You pointed out some unpleasant behaviours that he was doing, and I know from experience that "coldness" and "unkindness", although they may seem small, can also hint at someone being emotionally abusive. Raging over nothing is a red flag, in particular. So is coldness towards your feelings, and not talking, also known as stonewalling.

You don't need to think about the long road of leaving if that seems overwhelming right now, but I do suggest you contact Women's Aid or a local outreach group as you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship and this could be contributing to you feeling really down.

Once you get validation that this may be going on, you will start to regain your sense of self and know that there is nothing wrong with you; you are not unloveable, lazy etc, you are just with someone unpleasant, and anyone in your situation would feel the same way.

Small doses of unkindness, not seeming to care or doing caring things like making a cup of tea etc, although they don't seem as massive or obvious as physical abuse, over time become wearing, and will run you down. You might even feel worse because it's hard to pinpont and seems like 'nothing'.

I agree that in normal situations, people are responsible for their mental health and well-being but you may be in an abusive relationship and this can be hard to spot, but you will have a general sense that something is 'off' and a horrible feeling of not being properly loved or respected.

Please call Women's Aid - you won't be overreacting.

No, H would not ‘no doubt’ share custody. The arrangements made would be in the best interests of the child, and you sound like the primary carer. DS’ views would also most likely be taken into account in a couple of years.
But cross that bridge when you come to it, right now you need self-care and to build yourself up.

a horrible feeling of not being properly loved or respected