Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Claw....a thread about loneliness

880 replies

HopelessWithNumbers · 08/07/2018 18:54

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Ginandtonic4all · 01/09/2018 10:05

Hopeless sorry your feeling that your weekend might be a struggle. I wish I had a magic wand for everyone.

Nothing very useful to say other than hello and I feel similar and we are here.

Happydaysalone · 01/09/2018 18:13

Hello. Can I join you lovely people?

I'm properly alone. I am good company but find it so hard to make friends. I have a week off. I live in London. I have no one to play with. It's really hard. I am going to make myself go to one meetup event this week, if nothing else.

Do people think it is harder to make friends when overweight even if you are well presented?

HopelessWithNumbers · 01/09/2018 18:25

Hi and welcome Happydays
Your username makes it sound as if you enjoy being alone some of the time. Do you think that’s the case?

Very interesting question about being overweight. I hadn’t really considered it. I am overweight and it definitely makes me more self conscious, which might make me harder to make friends with. Although I can be outgoing (but find it hard work).

I’m going to a MeetUp thing tonight. I am absolutely dreading it which makes me wonder why I am going but I’m going to force myself. I don’t have to stay long.

OP posts:
Happydaysalone · 01/09/2018 18:36

Thanks for the welcome Hopeless And good luck tonight. It's so hard to get your foot out the door.

I am not sure it matters I'm happy enough on my own. And it's only true to some degree anyhow. I am happy to be on my own some of the time but I don't want to be all of the time.

Ginandtonic4all · 01/09/2018 18:43

@Happydaysalone and @HopelessWithNumbers I too am overweight but tall with it and outgoing - I sometimes think I might be intimidating or make too much effort so come across
As the jolly fat person.

Though to be fair I make friends ok it's just having the opportunities too that I miss and can't find.

Hopeless you are brave and strong and well done. Even if you only last a few minutes that's great. Do tell us about it x

Ginandtonic4all · 01/09/2018 18:46

Dear All

I have set up a WhatsApp group if people fancy joining. Obvs it requires disclosing your mobile number and stuff but I thought it worth a try x

If you want to join PM me your mobile number and what you want to be called - real names are fine or not. And I will send out the first message in due course.

Happydaysalone · 01/09/2018 18:47

Gandt Hi there. I think I try to overcompensate and people pick up on that. It's hard.

8FencingWire · 01/09/2018 21:03

Hello all and welcome to the newcomers Brew

So, my dears, a whatssap group sounds like a marvellous idea. I can only join if I figure how to disable the notifications, my work environment doesn’t allow them but I have the phone on me constantly due to being a single mother 😂. So once I’ve figured that one out, I’ll be 8Fencing like on here, so we don’t confuse stuff :). Hope that’s ok.

Now, I know the weekends are particularly hard. And lately I have been absent and not much of a suppport. That’s because DD has been away with her dad and my stress level got so stupidly high, I decided (since I’m full of wisdom anyway), to bury myself in work and getting the house sorted. another, has been keeping an eye on me, we went for a walk on the beach, which was lovely.
I keep saying once DD is back at school and I’ll find my routine back etc, but all I seem to be doing is piling more stuff on so I don’t have to think of stuff. I don’t know.

Anyway, we’re away visiting my mum. I’ve already been told this is not my house, force fed and told I’m fat and that I’ve let myself go. Panic not, it does not bother me in the slightest, it’s been going on for 40 odd years, I’m immune to it. I just observe her. Found some very interesting inherited traits that I plan to curb, cause looking at myself, I’m slowly turning into my mother.

Can I propose a challenge for September? Every day, we must think of 5 things we’re grateful for. In a diary, in an especially purchased notebook, here, in your head while you brush your teeth, whatever. Just 5 things. I thought of that reading dragons posts.

Hopeless, what meetup group? I promised to come back and tell you about mine, didn’t I?
It was a hoot!!! I am so going again! We talked about the book a bit then went off on whatever piste, we had such a good time! Met some interesting people, heard a few good stories, it’s nothing to be worried about. One couple came not having even read the book 😂, and everybody was alright with that but wanted them to make up a really good excuse.
Someone suggested we think of 5 things we like and 5 we don’t like about the book, to make the conversation flow. Don’t quite know how we ended up talking about Belgium->holidays-> whatever.
So for those of you worried but would like to try a book club, do it. I didn’t participate an awful lot, they were more interested in my story (I kept it vague, new in town type of thing). But it was fun and I am looking forward to the next one :)

Tomorrow, I’ve got the delights of 4 sets of friends and relatives, at 4 different times of day. Basically, all day. People my mother is friends with. That’s lunch and dinner. One family I’ve met, one is this guy who was meant to visit but then couldn’t so we’re all going round theirs for pizza. Don’t ask.
Family coming for breakfast, I am such a grump till I had my coffee it’s not even funny. We had a 25 min text message conversation about what to have for brekkie. Debating the virtues of the two bakeries in the village, whether to buy coffee and bring it over (what?!!!), who wants what filling for croissants, who’s oranges are best for fresh orange juice (they’re not in season, they’ll be shit no matter what, according to them, cause the trees of X are old, the grocer y imports them etc etc. By the time they finished, they realised it’ll be shut in the morning anyway, it’s Sunday).My mother wants the breakfast dining set from the loft. How I laughed. You’d think she’s talking about the family silver. The loft opening is at least 150 years old. So is the loft. My arse physically could not fit through that hole, it was built by hobbits for hobbits. But she wants the china. DD laughed even harder: WTF is a breakfast dinning set? No way am I going in there, what’s wrong with the normal plates? We’re having croissants from Lidl 😂

Then we have a second dinner. At about 11 pm or something stupid like this. That convo went even better. What shall I cook for you? Don’t worry, we’re coming for pudding. Yes, but before pudding there’s antipasti, plate one and plate two. Would you like some prosciutto? Nope, I still don’t eat meat. Haven’t done for 40 years. Cheese will do. Aha! With salami! No, that’s meat, just with tomatoes. Ok. Then lasagna. You eat beef, yes? No, beef is meat. I still don’t like the taste. Not even chicken? No thank you. I know, iI’ll send uncle to buy fish then, fresh fish. That’s still meat, woman! (Besides, freshly caught fish has got a shed loads of bones. I eat fish, a bit, but I can’t be arsed with the bones).

They’re lovely. I love them. But I’m glad they live hours away from me. By plane. I can’t hear myself think!
Oh well.

Mary1935 · 01/09/2018 21:29

Hi all, a bit of a flat day for me. I’ve had a hectic few days with my son and being off work. I popped into see a friend thankfully today otherwise I would have spoken to no one. Tomorrow will be the same. I was planning on doing a car boot (I’m saying this every week- but not doing it!!!);- I can’t be bothered. My bed is now full of stuff which I will move again.
Hey ho - I don’t see many meet ups for over 50s in London on a sat Sunday evening? I’m a bit anxious when.i see it’s a “social” event but if it involved any particular activity it would be easier eg book club.
I will investigate further.
8fencing your book club sounds fun. Just what you need - light hearted and welcoming.
Anyway I must go and clear the bed!! I know I will kick myself tomorrow for not doing the boot sale. 🙀

AsleepAllDay · 02/09/2018 07:37

Sign me up for the WhatsApp group! I also won't have notifications on all day through work but at least to have that space to chat can alleviate some of the loneliness

So I am still wading through my heartbreak. I've spent hours talking about it and cried reliably and it still makes me cry to think about it.

Where I am right now is arguably better - I know that I am staring down a really scary, new fresh start. Moving back to the city where we were so happy will be a bit of a tug at the start but so many people have reached out offering friendship and things to do, I will have a new job and a new house - and so many things to tackle anew, like therapy

So I'm still as lonely as ever but it's a loneliness that I hope will spur me on to focus on finding out my values, my interests and needs rather than swamping them under a very intense relationship

HopelessWithNumbers · 02/09/2018 09:29

Morning people!

8Fencing hope you enjoy the rest of your time away. It sounds fun but challenging!
Glad the book group was a success & that you’re going back.

Asleep you’re sounding positive about your new moves. When is it all happening?

Mary I feel the same about ‘social’ meet ups. I’d much rather go to an activity or talk about something I’m interested in.
Last night’s thing was a pub based social. I was sure I wouldn’t know anyone which is why I was dreading it so much. There were lots of people there and at first I felt totally overwhelmed. Then I chatted to a couple of men who had absolutely no social skills (it was a monologue not a chat!) but at least I wasn’t standing there on my own. I was making plans in my head to slip away when I saw a woman I haven’t seen for about 10 years! We used to be quite friendly but lost touch. I was so pleased to see her so I had a catch up with her and we’re connected on WhatsApp now so I’m hoping I’ll see her again.
It really made my night.

When I got home I decided to cut all contact with my recent ex. I have struggled for weeks and weeks now, wanting to be in touch but constantly being treated badly. So I have blocked / deleted. It’s hard but I know I’ve got to try. Help me stay strong! 💪

I also need to do something about my eating. But I just don’t know how. I’ve got no willpower (which is why the no contact thing is a struggle too).

I’m going to see a film this afternoon on my own which I am looking forward to. Currently still in bed with a cup of tea.

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 02/09/2018 09:52

@HopelessWithNumbers you can do it! Blocking breaks off that easily fulfilled need to check up on them or send a message when you're emotional. Take back your power!

I'm coming up to the realisation that I will probably block my ex soon. I did that earlier and then caved & followed him again

It's probably around 2 weeks that I'll be moving in? Which is soon and huge but god... I've been waiting for this.

HopelessWithNumbers · 02/09/2018 10:15

Thanks Asleep !

Oooh two weeks is very soon. Very exciting. Lots of changes.

OP posts:
Happydaysalone · 02/09/2018 10:21

Glad your night turned out so well Hopeless. What film are you going to see?

purpleme12 · 02/09/2018 11:18

Hi everyone. Thank you for the words of encouragement first of all.

I think I like that idea someone said about writing 5 good things down.

I've been up and down (as usual really lol). Yesterday was bad, not helped by my mum. But my little girl is brilliant with me. She lifts me up she knows when I'm upset and she does comfort me, like I do with her.

I think I find it hard knowing there's so much to do and just me to do it all now whereas before I could just think more about her. And I just don't like being alone really. But am going to see my daughter's friend's today so some company.

HopelessWithNumbers · 02/09/2018 12:25

Thanks Happy I’m going to see The Thin Man, a 1930s comedy / mystery.

I went to see The Children Act last week. I thought it was excellent although it made me cry!

OP posts:
anotherfail · 02/09/2018 13:30

Hi all.

Like the idea of 5 good things. I'm also trying very hard to live in the moment and stop stressing about things that might happen in the distant future. It's not easy though, as my natural tendency is to worry about everything and nothing Grin

Today is my first day without the kids for a week and so I'm studying and trying to get back on track as I have exams in November and I'm way behind schedule.

I also tried a couple of meet up socials a while back and also found myself in strange pubs having disjointed and stilted convos with people I had nothing in common with. Haven't bothered since. I'm not really a hobby kind of person but will keep looking for something that looks interesting.

Anyone know how to PM from the App so I can join the WhatsApp group?!

eve34 · 02/09/2018 17:00

@dragonslair what a difficult situation you are in. What an arse to dump you four weeks later. Just take each day as it comes. And I hope things begin to fall back into place.

@Dan89 how's the cat. I love mine. Ex was allergic. So as soon as he went we got a kitten. I tempted to get another but right now funds are needed elsewhere

@HopelessWithNumbers are there things you can do to change the work situation? I think my general apathy is impacting on all aspects of my life. And I need to address that so that everything else improves. But not sure what more I can do? Well done to blocking ex. I went as no contact as I could as we have dc. And it was so hard at the beginning. But I'm glad I made my boundaries clear. We have no contact at all besides contact/money. I am certain he was rather shock by my actions. He really thought we could be good friends and be there for each other!

@Happy days alone hope you managed to find something to do with your week off. Always harder doing things on your own. I think our own body imagine will affect how positive we feel and value ourselves. I know I don't hold myself in a very high regard. But I guess that is also tied in with ex treating me like crap for years. Need to undo the mindset.

@8FencingWire sounds like a busy day for you. Hope it can be enjoyed as much as you can. And sounds like a fun book club. I keep trying to start reading again but lack the concentration.

@Mary1935 I always find the effort to do a car boot is seriously lacking. It takes a lot of being sociable. Do you have a space you can store stuff for when you do get out to do it? Could you rope someone else in so you can't back out?

@AsleepAllDay hope all the new starts give you a boost. You have done so well with so much change going on. Be proud of what you have achieved

@anotherfail if you need a wing man for a meet up let me know 😀. Hope the week goes quickly for you and dd. Soon be back
Into the school routine.

We had sunny day out today. Going to start getting school stuff together and polish shoes. All in all I have had lovely summer with the kids. Didn't get away as planned and haven't done a lot. But enjoyed being with them and pottering about. Hopefully get my mojo back next summer.

As for the five positives a day. I am sure after my health and the kids and the roof over my head I will struggle. But I will give it a go.

dragonslair · 02/09/2018 17:34

Hello everyone, and thanks especially to the people who have mentioned or thought of me. My horror story only happened on Wednesday so I'm still absolutely reeling, as you can imagine. I am away with work all this week, but it's going to be really hard as everything I do (as course leader) is based on what we did together. All the learning materials, all the everything. Packing up the boxes today for the week was agonising... every piece of paper was a memory. Anyway, I will get through it. I've come up with a bit of a plan workwise and I'm taking charge of those ideas with the support of some dear colleagues.
Today I've been for a long walk, and that helped, and tonight I need to pack. But unfortunately I've already had a glass of wine. I need to definitely get on top of this. On the plus side, I've lost 3 kg since Wednesday, so every cloud and all that...

Wrongwayup · 02/09/2018 19:43

Dragon - how difficult. How old are you can I ask?

dragonslair · 02/09/2018 19:52

50, two adult DC. I look ok! Except now I don't... dark circles, haunted eyes, very slim (I didn't need to lose 3 kg!!).

HopelessWithNumbers · 02/09/2018 21:45

Sounds like a horribly difficult situation dragon and so recent.
I hope this week goes ok.

eve I’m looking around for a new job, but very halfheartedly. My confidence was knocked when I didn’t get an interview a few months ago for something I applied for.
There have been quite a it of changes at work with probably more to come so that’s not helping.

Hi another how did the studying go?
I don’t know how to do PMs via the app Sad

OP posts:
Dan89 · 02/09/2018 22:15

Thanks Hopeless and eve. Got the cat today - he's great! Was worried he would take a while to settle as he really didn't like the car journey home, but he's made himself right at home! I think he'll bring a new energy to the place

Mary1935 · 02/09/2018 22:15

Hi another I’m not sure what you mean but I just tapped on message poster and sent her my mobile. I have a work IPAD I use so I maybe different from other devices.
Thanks eve - yes I have storage and the stuffs in the spare room. I just need to get out there. The season will soon be over.
Hopeless - yes I’d find those social events difficult - I’m pleased you met a friend - see we never know what’s around the corner!

HopelessWithNumbers · 03/09/2018 11:17

Morning everyone

Dan I hope you and the new cat are still getting on well. I'd love a pet but circumstances won't allow at the moment.

How is everyone doing? I'm trying to be positive about my work today - I'm not enjoying it at the moment for various reasons but if I try to throw myself in to it I'm hoping it will improve and will also take my mind off the dreaded 'other things'.

I'm going to a talk this evening which I'm sure I will enjoy. It's about a book that sounds interesting. I probably won't know anyone there (but after Saturday, who knows?!) but not too bothered today because it's not a social event.

OP posts: