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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell DW

127 replies

HarmlessChap · 07/07/2018 01:21

DW is insecure and slightly controlling (she admits as much) Its taken much effort to get her to tolerate me having a social life without her continually texting if I'm out; she even wanted me to install an app so she could see where I was at all times, which I refused to do as partly as I see it as an invasion of privacy but also because I know the panic she gets into when she can't see where the kids (teenagers) are and many of the places we go to are cellar bars which have no mobile reception or GPS. Incidentally it also caused issues with me not receiving texts and replying promptly before I said I'm not having her text me every 30 minutes when I'm out and ignoring if she does.

She consistently tells me that all my friends are useless and doesn't know what I see in them and to my shame I let her isolate me from all my old friends when we got married for the same reason.

Anyway a female acquaintance, who I think is probably single but I don't know her well, friend of friends, was out with us tonight. She's a very flirty type, known for outrageous comments, but I thought harmless, tried to kiss me. She was a bit drunk, I pushed her away and said "I'm married" she said "I know, I don't care" I replied "well I do" I told our mutual friends what happened, left and got a taxi home.

If I tell DW I think it would play into her insecurities and cause real difficulties in me maintaining any form of social life beyond her (and she doesn't like going out) but if I don't tell her I'm keeping secrets and that's no better.

Any advice?

OP posts:
NT53NJT · 07/07/2018 01:28

What's the point in telling her ? Absolutely nothing good will come of it, you didnt initiate it or actually do anything .

Next time you see the other woman set her straight that she must not try anything like that again or if you don't trust her just cut her out completely and keep your distance.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 07/07/2018 01:32

Your dw sounds emotionally abuse sorry but if my dh tried to put a tracker on my phone he would be out the door. This flirty woman is the least of your problems.

Deadringer · 07/07/2018 01:39

I wouldn't tell her but frankly your dw sounds like a nightmare. How have you put up with her controlling behaviour all these years?

Candyflip · 07/07/2018 01:42

Why don’t you leave her? She sounds horrific. Life is short.

otterturk · 07/07/2018 01:50

Hang on

Sometimes women and men have painful emotional hang ups from their past life. My only two other relationships ended with the man cheating and consequently im paranoid. DP and I deal with this by me being very aware, very honest and him have a hell of a lot of kindness.

Rationally, I trust him entirely. I would hate for him to have to curtail his friendships. But I'm also damaged and fearful. I now know that I can tell him I'm feeling insecure, we talk it through, he knows my motives aren't controlling just utter fear going back to childhood and so he reassures me and we move forward. Over time, I feel safe and calm and my former paranoia is dropping away. Our relationship now is a beautiful thing of trust and calm.

My point is, fearful doesn't always mean controlling and awful.

Original poster
HarmlessChap · 07/07/2018 01:51

This flirty woman is the least of your problems.

I was a doormat for a long time, there was much wrong with the marriage; we have both worked hard to try to sort it out, with a lot of success, but she's not used to things not being exactly her way.

I really don't like the idea of keeping secrets but equally I agree that no good will come of it if I tell her. What worries me is if she hears 2nd hand albeit I don't know how that could happen.

Whenever I go out she says the following day, did you get off with anyone. I reply "no", sigh, "of course not" and she says "nobody else would have you". I'm really worried that when she asks I'm going to sound guilty as fuck even though I know I don't have anything to feel guilty about.

Why don’t you leave her? She sounds horrific.
Because I love her, warts and all, nobody is perfect not even close. I'm no great catch myself.

OP posts:
Candyflip · 07/07/2018 02:00

No, nobody is perfect, but most people manage to not be abusive. Your life sounds miserable.

NameChange30 · 07/07/2018 02:06

I think you should tell her because it will be better coming from you than if she finds out from someone else. Of course she might try to blame you or use it as an excuse to control you even more but you should try to resist and ignore that. It wasn’t your fault and it shouldn’t stop you socialising.

However I also think you should leave her, she is emotionally abusive (“nobody else would have you”? Confused Angry) and life is too short.

All the resources I usually share describe male abuse of women but if you can reverse the genders in your head it’s still relevant.
signs of emotional abuse

DistanceCall · 07/07/2018 02:11

Whenever I go out she says the following day, did you get off with anyone. I reply "no", sigh, "of course not" and she says "nobody else would have you".

WTF? OP, you do know that this is not remotely normal, don't you? You haven't "sorted things out". She controls you and puts you down.

It's your life, of course. But I think talking to someone professionally would help you.

Maldives1986 · 07/07/2018 02:40

I loved my ex partner "warts and all" too. But he was still emotionally abusive, and controlling. I couldn't go to work without being accused of fancying someone in the office. And eventually he ground me down until I didn't even recognise myself.

What you describe doesn't sound like a mutually respectful and loving relationship. It might well be but that isn't what you describe. She either has severe anxiety / attachment issues or is abusive. Either way she needs to seek help with regards to her mental health to try to over come her issues. Without doing so the relationship can never function healthily. The very fact you don't feel like you can tell her without an adverse reaction and her limiting your social life speaks volumes.

I would tell her personally because she doesn't trust you anyway but if it were to be mentioned to her in passing (perhaps this other woman will see her in the street and apologise) it will be much much worse as she will see it as confirmation that you can't be trusted which will make her feel justified in her behaviours

Lollipop30 · 07/07/2018 02:48

Not sure what there is to tell tbh someone tried to kiss you but didn’t succeed? I don’t think I’d feel guilty or bother telling my hubby in this scenario and he’s neither jealous or insecure. I know if he told me something as irrelevant as that it’d probably play on my mind and I’d end up imagining much worse.

eightfacesofthemoon · 07/07/2018 08:08

If she was t abusive you wouldn’t be tying yourself up in knots about this

AhNowTed · 07/07/2018 08:26

Do not tell her.

Even if you secretly want to because it made you feel desirable and you want her to know that someone else fancied you... do not tell her.

Barbaro · 07/07/2018 08:26

You should tell her as if she hears about it from someone else, it will be way worse for you.

But she does need help. She's panicking too much and it's not healthy for her or you. Please suggest to her that she sees a counsellor, maybe even go together to discuss your issues, in the past and present.

AhNowTed · 07/07/2018 08:44

No good can come of telling her.

And nothing actually happened.

dogzdinner · 07/07/2018 08:48

Is there a possibility your friends would mention it to her?

She sounds part controlling but also very anxious. Has she been treated for anxiety?

Pineappler · 07/07/2018 09:04

Don't tell her. Doesn't sound much fun being married to her, I think the tracker and constant contact are very controlling and abusive.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 07/07/2018 09:14

What a bad situation to be in, in a normal relationship I would say tell her, in one like this... nope. It will make her even more abusive and controlling and you have not done anything wrong, you just rejected the advances of a woman when you were out.

BeenThereDone · 07/07/2018 09:21

I know you think that your wife has worked hard to stop her behaviour but it seems to me that she has just learned to internalise her insecurity. She may not ring or text you all the time now but by God is it still there and it is insidious. To ask you after any night out if you have been with anyone?? Really?? And then undermine you anyway 'nobody would have you?
I can't give you advice as to whether or not to tell her what happened but just be prepared, make a plan to escape if you do because I don't think this will end well.

Seriously if the genders were reversed there would be outrage and LTB all over the place.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 07/07/2018 09:27

If you love her you are going to stay, fair enough. But if you do stay, the rules have to change. She either stops being so ridiculous or you want a divorce. I dont care if she is insecure. Tough titty. That is no excuse for her acting like an arsehole. If she has issues she needs to work through them herself, get some counselling or whatever. Not drag you down with her.

Original poster
HarmlessChap · 07/07/2018 09:40

DW won't have aynything to do with my friends so there's no communication that way.

We had a total breakdown in intimacy for quite a few years which while not great has improved a lot, I feel that she has attachment issues but she won't have counselling. She had some when she had PND and found it distressing so won't do it again.

Anyway I woke up to find this woman had FB messaged me, we're not friends on FB but she is best friends with the DP of one of my male friends (both of whom were out) and she's just as flirty with him in front of her best friend. Everyone just plays along chucks in the odd innuendo etc. I don't think there was anything different in my interaction with this woman than anyone else's TBH.

In the message she's saying sorry that I felt the need to go home early but admit it there is a spark. I've replied saying I'm sorry if I gave her the impression that I was interested, I'm not, I thought it was all just banter.

Hopefully that's that. I'm reluctant to block her immediately as I would rather know what her reaction is.

OP posts:
calzone · 07/07/2018 09:44

I couldn’t live like this.

QueenDoria · 07/07/2018 09:44

Weird. As in you.
Why don't you take your DW out rather than run round town like a teenager?

Coughy · 07/07/2018 09:46

You should tell her and leave her.

Coughy · 07/07/2018 09:48

Why are you hanging out drinking with single flirty women? You could see your mates and not be in that environment. I can see why shes jealous. I wonder what her side of the story is