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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell DW

127 replies

HarmlessChap · 07/07/2018 01:21

DW is insecure and slightly controlling (she admits as much) Its taken much effort to get her to tolerate me having a social life without her continually texting if I'm out; she even wanted me to install an app so she could see where I was at all times, which I refused to do as partly as I see it as an invasion of privacy but also because I know the panic she gets into when she can't see where the kids (teenagers) are and many of the places we go to are cellar bars which have no mobile reception or GPS. Incidentally it also caused issues with me not receiving texts and replying promptly before I said I'm not having her text me every 30 minutes when I'm out and ignoring if she does.

She consistently tells me that all my friends are useless and doesn't know what I see in them and to my shame I let her isolate me from all my old friends when we got married for the same reason.

Anyway a female acquaintance, who I think is probably single but I don't know her well, friend of friends, was out with us tonight. She's a very flirty type, known for outrageous comments, but I thought harmless, tried to kiss me. She was a bit drunk, I pushed her away and said "I'm married" she said "I know, I don't care" I replied "well I do" I told our mutual friends what happened, left and got a taxi home.

If I tell DW I think it would play into her insecurities and cause real difficulties in me maintaining any form of social life beyond her (and she doesn't like going out) but if I don't tell her I'm keeping secrets and that's no better.

Any advice?

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 07/07/2018 10:04

Weird. As in you.
Why don't you take your DW out rather than run round town like a teenager?

Weird? Weird yourself if you think people cannot have friends or go out unless they are with their spouses.

Singlenotsingle · 07/07/2018 10:11

He said why he doesn't take her out, notsure. She doesn't like going out. He would be totally bored and isolated if he didn't ever go out at all, anywhere with anyone. She sounds a nightmare.

Original poster
HarmlessChap · 07/07/2018 10:35

Why don't you take your DW out rather than run round town like a teenager?

We go out for meals but she's never been one for going to pubs etc. My friends are mostly through sports and we meet up socially probably 4 to 6 weeks. It's common for people to bring other friends or partners when we do. DW would be welcome but doesn't want to join us.

OP posts:
Coughy · 07/07/2018 10:38

Why do you need to go to the pub with them when you see them already doing the sport? Sounds like you spend so much time with them as is

Thebluedog · 07/07/2018 10:42

My exh was like this, however because he was a bloke it was easy to say and have people accept he was emotionally abuse. For some reason if it’s a woman it’s because she’s insecure etc etc. I think that you’ve done the right thing and actually, listening to you talk, you sound like a kind, level headed person.

In your position, which I was, it only got worse and I couldn’t live like this and left

Singlenotsingle · 07/07/2018 10:45

OP is obviously a sociable guy, but she isn't. Bit of a mismatch

Smellyoulateralligator · 07/07/2018 10:46

Harmless - this sounds like hell. Your wife is being controlling and abusive. You should repeat this to yourself. Her behaviour is not normal and there’s no excuse for it.

It’s interesting how some
Posters seek to minimise her behaviour. Please read up on emotional abuse - don’t tell her. Block the flirty one. But that’s not your biggest problem

SendintheArdwolves · 07/07/2018 10:52

A) Delete those messages right now and block the woman. Your wife is exactly the type to hack your Facebook or suddenly demand to see your messages.

B) Make preparations to leave your wife. She is abusive and controlling, and will get worse not better.

I know that's easy for me to say, and that you have bought into the narrative of " she is damaged and unhappy, and needs support, and she is TRYING to address her issues".

No she isn't. She isn't going to counselling, or speaking to you with respect or understanding that this is her problem, not yours.

Please leave her.

Wherearemymarbles · 07/07/2018 10:54

Over the years ive read many of your posts.

Maybe you should re read them yourself as this is no way to live. Leave and find someone fun and flirty and she can find a hermit.

AnyFucker · 07/07/2018 10:58

I told you to leave this woman years ago

QueenDoria · 07/07/2018 11:21

Maybe put your energy into your wife and children rather than banter and drinking. Of course there's a spark in an alcohol fuelled night out where everyone's drsssed up and on their best, flirtiest behaviour. But real life is supporting one another, kicking a ball round the park with your kids, helping with the housework, mowing the lawn... do all that this weekend and com a really nice meal for your wife.

Original poster
HarmlessChap · 07/07/2018 11:49

I told you to leave this woman years ago

OP posts:
Original poster
HarmlessChap · 07/07/2018 11:50

I told you to leave this woman years ago

A have others but I'm not ready to give up on my marriage

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 07/07/2018 11:52

It doesn't sound as if the OP goes out all that often, though, from what he says. And let's face it, if the genders were reversed, we wouldn't be saying she shouldn't go out with her friends. We would be saying that her OH was trying to control her be trying to isolate her, wouldn't we??

mogratpineapple · 07/07/2018 12:16

I go to watch a band and sometimes I appear to be on my own (married to a band member). Men often come over, some are just friendly but some try to take it further, especially if they're drunk. I always tell my DP for two reasons: one, just plain openness and straight-upness, and two because if anything came up later it may look as if I was hiding something.

pissedonatrain · 07/07/2018 12:19

I'd really love to hear your DW side of the story.

It sounds like you've made her out to be some mean, controlling, harpie for sympathy.

You say you hardly go out, but I think you are probably spending more time in the pub than you are letting on.

If you are really interested in saving your marriage then spending time at home with your DW and DC is probably a better way to do that than out in a pub flirting with other women. Then to come on here to ask if you should tell your DW when she is already insecure is nuts.

If you're more interested in the pub and acting single then get a divorce. Nobody is stopping you.

Sorry but you just sound like the beginning of the affair script with slagging your wife off to get sympathy from other women but not really interested in leaving your DW.

SuperSuperSuper · 07/07/2018 12:21

Someone coming on to you in a bar and being rebuffed is not newsworthy. It happens. Forget it.

You have bigger problems. I'm sorry you're going thorough this but you need to take some control back.

Lizzie48 · 07/07/2018 12:50

@pissedonatrain from what other PPs have said, this OP has been on here before talking about his DW controller him. And the DW's comment about no one else wanting him.

I don't know why some women don't realise that women are capable of being controlling as well as men. Whereas in reality we're all capable of being controlling. My DM can be very controlling sometimes, and the MIL threads demonstrate how common it is for women to be highly manipulative.

frankenburger · 07/07/2018 14:11

I have been insecure and as a result controlling in previous relationships. Therapy and meditation have done wonders for me ☺️

TeacupTattoo · 07/07/2018 14:24

If I were you I would be more matter of fact with your wife. If she truly asks every time you've been out if you've got off with anyone, tell her now "I find it disrespectful you ask me every time I go out if I've been unfaithful. I'm not. I won't respond if you continue to do this, it's time you stop."
And follow through.
If she does not trust you why is she with you? Everybody is entitled to privacy, please don't allow her to ride rough-shod over yours. Loving somebody is trustful, respectful, caring, not belittling and controlling. Think about this.

It took me over a decade to get rid of my husband who had insidiously isolated me, controlled me and made my life miserable. Life is to short to not be respected.
At the very least your husband/wife should be as polite to you as they are to strangers...because you are supposed to be so much more than that to them.

SandyY2K · 08/07/2018 03:22

Clearly some women find it impossible to believe other women can be controlling and abusive.

When do you ever see "I'd love to hear your DHs side" if a woman posts.

Because women are always right and virtuous right. SMH

All this nonsense about stay at home ...mow the lawn and help with housework. Who told you he doesnt do these things.

How patronising and outright sexist..
Would a woman be told to stay home and do some knitting or laundry if she posted this. Not a bloody chance.

stevesmithsmum · 08/07/2018 04:22

Why do you need to go to the pub with them when you see them already doing the sport? Sounds like you spend so much time with them as is

It sounds like nothing of the sort. The op is entitled to go out with his mates, as I’m sure you’d say if the op was a different gender.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 08/07/2018 04:46

I wouldn't. Your wife sounds like a nightmare.

And nothing happened did it?

Sometimes blokes come onto me, and I know women hit on my DP when he is out as he has mentioned it happens a lot in the past but we never tel each other in an "announcing" kind of way.

PhaedrasChocolate · 08/07/2018 05:15

I can't believe some posters are giving it the old ' would love to hear your wife's side' ... Why would you say that? You wouldn't say that to a woman that was being controlled. Disgusting.

CatRen27 · 08/07/2018 05:28

Don't tell her. This happened years ago to my dh (before we were married) and it really upset me. I wish he hadn't told me!