Do I tell DW

[HarmlessChap]

DW is insecure and slightly controlling (she admits as much) Its taken much effort to get her to tolerate me having a social life without her continually texting if I'm out; she even wanted me to install an app so she could see where I was at all times, which I refused to do as partly as I see it as an invasion of privacy but also because I know the panic she gets into when she can't see where the kids (teenagers) are and many of the places we go to are cellar bars which have no mobile reception or GPS. Incidentally it also caused issues with me not receiving texts and replying promptly before I said I'm not having her text me every 30 minutes when I'm out and ignoring if she does.

She consistently tells me that all my friends are useless and doesn't know what I see in them and to my shame I let her isolate me from all my old friends when we got married for the same reason.

Anyway a female acquaintance, who I think is probably single but I don't know her well, friend of friends, was out with us tonight. She's a very flirty type, known for outrageous comments, but I thought harmless, tried to kiss me. She was a bit drunk, I pushed her away and said "I'm married" she said "I know, I don't care" I replied "well I do" I told our mutual friends what happened, left and got a taxi home.

If I tell DW I think it would play into her insecurities and cause real difficulties in me maintaining any form of social life beyond her (and she doesn't like going out) but if I don't tell her I'm keeping secrets and that's no better.

Any advice?

I did read some of OPs previous messages.

The one where he got sulky because his DW was filling out a job application instead of tending to him since she had 4 days off and was going to London with one of the DC on one of them.

Doesn't sound very controlling to me having a full time job, charity work, exercise classes, etc.

The one where he talks about going to the pub with his gay friend and maybe some gay dude would hit on him.

I honestly not sure what the actual problem is. I suspect OP spends a bit too much time drinking and in pubs.

With this issue, he seems to be a bit too keen to tell his DW how some bar fly was hitting on him. Seems a bit cruel to do that to someone who is already "insecure and controlling"

Just my opinion by this random internet stranger

What stands out for me is her refusal to seek professional help for her insecurity. You say you have worked at your marriage - it strikes me that you might have, but she hasn't. I wouldn't be able to live with that.

Lol at @Anyfucker!
It sounds like you are not very committed to your wife, despite her insecurities, you are going out and socialising with your friends, instead of working out ways you can spend time with your wife.
I think there is always two sides to a story and women have a reason to feel this way, if they are rejected emotionally.

I am at those posters who are suggesting the OP should just stay home more... Would you be saying that to a woman whose OH objected to her going out? Double standards all over the place.

women have a reason to feel this way, if they are rejected emotionally.

And men don't? Sauce for the goose... OP states he goes out every 4-6 weeks. Hardly excessive.

Some responses here are bizarre. Do you really think all men with insecure partners should give up their entire social lives to appease the insecure party? Would you say the same to women whose husbands continually ask them if they got off with someone or wanted to put a tracker on their phone?!

He wasn't in the pub acting single, ffs. He was socialising and was hit on through no fault of his own. He said he sees his friends less than once a month, that's hardly spending too much time with them is it? I can't understand this mentality that people should give up their social lives away from their partner once they're in a relationship, you don't stop being an individual just because you're with someone

Can we please remember what the DW says?

Whenever I go out she says the following day, did you get off with anyone. I reply "no", sigh, "of course not" and she says "nobody else would have you".

If this was a man telling a woman that nobody else would have her, everyone would be screaming at her to get out and LTB.

Which is exactly what you should do, OP. She needs counselling/therapy (which is meant to be distressing in order to work, yes). There is no excuse to be abusive and controlling.

This thread is fucked up
No wonder men think it’s hard to be listened to
You women who are on here saying bad shit. You should be fucking ashamed of yourselves

An abuser is an abuser. They can have therapy? You can behave differently, they might have had fucked up childhoods.
But every single person would say if it was the reverse
It is NO EXCUSE

Oh well, I came on here to ask one question and got answers to a different one.

DW knows she is controlling, she describes herself as a control freak. She tracks the DCs phones (16&18) and likes everything done her way. I know that she has insecurities and exhibits controlling behaviour but I choose to stay and cope with it as best I can, by being more assertive than I used to be. Sometimes I come on here for advice, sometimes to vent.

As for an update, my mate's DP has messaged me. It seems as though her friend has told her that she messaged me after. Well my mate's DP laid into her saying it was unacceptable to try it on in the first place and unforgivable to message and try again after she'd been knocked back. The woman has also messaged apologising saying she was drunk, is embarrassed and it won't happen again.

DW did ask I said no, she made another comment that nobody else would want me, I said not strictly true one woman tried it on, it was rather embarrassing so I left. She said she didn't like the sound of that, I said it was a situation not of my making, what more could I do than leave. She seemed to accept that but was somewhat sulky for the rest of the day. She was out all day yesterday, when she came home she was knackered, she basically ate watched a bit of telly and went to bed. She wasn't happy this morning either but that's more likely to be tiredness as she's having difficulty sleeping in this heat.

We shall see if it affects how she is when we're next due to go out.

I split up with my ex last summer and Saturday was the first time I went out out (have stuck to girls night ins, parties and socialising with kids as have been so conditioned to not give him any cause to suspect).

I can't tell you how much I laughed and how liberating it was. I didn't have to worry about posting Facebook pictures with just girls or what time I was going to get home or anything. I just dances, chatted, drank. I was able to talk to men (And women) and just enjoy myself without worrying. Being controlled and suspected of all sorts of stuff is incredibly damaging and permeates your whole life.

Ah Harmless, that just sounds shit. You seem so resigned and hopeless.

I feel sorry for your children tbh. You allow their mother to control them. I imagine her emotional abuse extends to them as well. They will no doubt be damaged by this. And you are showing them an extremely unhealthy example of relationships. Is it the kind of relationship you want them to end up having?

I can't believe done of the responses here
Why go out if you see them at sport
Why are you out in that environment
Stop running around and go out with your wife.

Good lord your marriages sound like fun.
People like to socialise outside of hobbies and that's OK
People like to go out without their spouses and that's OK
Sometimes those horrible single women are allowed out where married people might be and that's OK.

Op it sounds like you've worked as has your wife to work through things but she is still incredibly insecure hence asking if you missed anyone then insulting you right after, that's a defence as she showed some vulnerability. Not excusing it but it's what's happening, if she won't go to counselling she can't be forced as it won't work unless she wants to be there however you are just as entitled to set your own boundaries for behaviour when you are out. Yours are just as important and she needs to see that.
There are two of you not one.

When I say as has your wife I me a in trying to change and accept she's a control freak, that can be really hard (when I finally realised where I was controlling in a relationship it was really hard and I had therapy to help, we then worked through what got me there, liberating is all I'd say, pressed to be free of it). however I didn't want it to seem like I was minimising her behaviour,

I think her insisting on tracker apps on your DCs' phones really crosses a line. I would not allow a partner of mine to do that and I.think you should put a stop to it. Your oldest is an adult!

DW knows she is controlling, she describes herself as a control freak. She tracks the DCs phones (16&18) and likes everything done her way.

She's a fucking nutter. And an abuser. She doesn't want to change, and you are enabling her.

Enjoy your shit pie.

I should have said in my earlier post the reason I told her was because there was mention of me leaving early on a FB post, it caused some humour, while she isn't friends with the poster it would only need me to be tagged to bring it into the open so I thought it best to do so myself.

We have had many discussions about tracking the kids, it won't stop. The kids phones are all in her name so she sees it as her right to choose on what basis the DCs may use them, even with the 18 year old its a case of when he is paying for his own phone he can decide how its used until then he is using her phone, so she has thr ultimate say so.

I understand what you're saying about enabling and it being an unhealthy environment but I have had some success with arguing to trust the DCs and allow them more freedom, it's one reason I wouldn't want to leave and just leave them to it.

It's been a couple of years since I had a breakdown, due to rejection from the lack of any intimacy, I got some talking therapy worked on my self esteem, worked with her on reviving our marriage and stopped simple letting myself be controlled. The blame is not one sided, I've not been the world's best husband, everything became a bit of a vicious circle but we've made progress.

OP, this is not about what you do or fail to do. It's about you wife's sick need to control the lives of everyone around her.

It's not normal to monitor an 18 and a 16 year old's phone. It's not normal to tell your husband that nobody else will have him.

You have not "stopped simply letting yourself be controlled". She still holds the reins, and not only of you, but of your sons. With any luck, they'll leave home and find jobs and that'll be the last you see of them. She because she's a controlling freak and you because you are allowing it.

Keep up the therapy mate, not long now until the kids will be adults and the whole setup will change. I hope your wife is working on herself as hard as you are. (Maybe - not said nastily - she could do with a breakdown of her own - sometimes you have to go right to the edge before you really believe in change.)

Your wife says no one else will want you and youre ok with this? Has she beaten you down so low that you wont stand up to her? You sound miserable and in a miserable marriage. And your children - why are you allowing them to be tracked? This will cause resentment when they are older and they will hate their mother for it, why wont you change thing now, instead of walking on egg-shells around your wife, who sounds like shes a bit of an emotional bully?

I think you should tell her as its proof she can trust you. If you keep things from her - her instincts will tell her something is amiss and if she ever finds out you did not tell her - I think it might be a bigger disaster!

And your children - why are you allowing them to be tracked?

I'm not so much allowing her as haven't found a way to persuade her otherwise. I tell her she's out of order, that they'll resent it, it's intruding, we've raised children we can and should trust etc. But she's unmoved.

You can't force people to do things the way you want.

Do the kids get pocket money? Maybe you should encourage/help them to get jobs? My ex is the more controlling one and all I can do is constantly point out to the kids that it is their choice how they lead their lives.

Could you own their phones instead OP? Or is she in charge of your money I bet I know the answer to this.

Please read “Wht Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft. This is about controlling men, but I really think gender is a red herring. Your wife will be in this book. My sister was as well. Don’t show it to her.

I agree with DistanceCall. Step on over to the Stately Homes thread to see what your sons’ perspectives may be.

Why can’t you buy your sons a different phone? Does your wife hold the financial reins as well?

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t...
I would have said don’t tell her. But you were baited and let it out: you just handed her a (another) stick to beat you with.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t...
Yes to leaving her. Then she can have everything exactly the way she wants it, when she wants it. That is a huge HUGE gift you will be giving her.