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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 136 - Can Anybody Find Me Somebody to Love?

999 replies

ValMc1 · 06/07/2018 12:58

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
21
Dan89 · 10/07/2018 22:51

People who use Bumble - how many profile pics is good? I find that I've got some interesting pics that get distorted in the upload and so you can't see what the picture is meant to be of. Now I've gone down to two: One semi close-up and a full body.

Am I using the app right? You're meant to just swipe right on everyone in the vain hope that one person will swipe right on you as well?

coolcahuna · 10/07/2018 23:08

@wishy oh the Snapchat thing sounds a bit odd ! Can you suggest WhatsApp to chat to him? Or can you chat on Snapchat.

@Dan I have 6 photos on mine.

So my date went well I think ! Lots of good chat and a fair amount in common. I have fancy fatigue at the mo...like not fancying anyone at all...but I think there was something there. Let's see if he texts.

DaffoDeffo · 10/07/2018 23:14

Hurrah for your message dan

I have about 6 on mine. Are you smiling in your photos? I find there are a disproportionate number of miserable looking men on bumble so a smile goes a long way!

wishywashy6 · 10/07/2018 23:15

@coolcahuna

You can chat, I do with friends a bit on there although the chats disappear when you read them so it's harder to keep track of what's been said!

I mainly wanted to check I wasn't the odd one and I was missing out on potential Mr Rights because I cba taking pictures of myself

I've been reassured that it's not just me so he can toddle on his merry way
Grin

Kinunir · 10/07/2018 23:17

I hope you don't have THAT photo on yours Daffo Wink Wink

coolcahuna · 10/07/2018 23:36

@wishy oh yeah you definitely need the history of the chat at hand ! One selfie a week would be my limit . How many variations could you be arsed to do anyway?!

wishywashy6 · 10/07/2018 23:46

@coolcahuna

One a week would be my limit too! Only after a drink 😂

On another note a guy I've been on and off messaging for a couple of weeks finally asked me out for a drink tonight! He's one that actually seems normal, decent banter and good looking which appears to be a rare combination.

And he's not called Mart!

DaffoDeffo · 11/07/2018 00:25

Lololol kin

I promise you I am a paragon of virtue. I had to crop my son out of that one so in my eyes it was a lovely picnic in the park

BendyLikeBeckham · 11/07/2018 01:19

I've broken the age barrier tonight. Chatting with an intellectual 29 year old. Very interesting!

Kinunir · 11/07/2018 06:57

And in my eyes Daffo you were getting close to the point of...

But I believe you about the paragon of virtue bit; you do otherwise look all sweetness and innocence Smile.

dingdang · 11/07/2018 07:42

Ooh been messaging the 31 year old and going to meet for a drink next week I think.. he’s been patient as I told him I was going to wait 4 weeks before meeting... he seems keen.. and really hot! Meeting the older bloke on Thursday I think for dinner.. this will be an interesting experiment to see how dating a younger guy will go... hmm wish me luck Smile

TomHardysBitontheside · 11/07/2018 09:20

So I'm in a lull with OLD and a bit bored. I'm only on Bumble now but having a nice conversation with someone who sadly lives quite a long way away. I'm not that bothered about the rest.

Still texting Mr Academic who sent a message that was quite out of charcuterie the other night, but most welcome. We will definitely see each other again. It's all very slow with him, but I'm fine with that. I'm tempted to ask him if he's seeing others, since we are sleeping together. I don't think he is. The decent side of me says if we are sleeping together I shouldn't really see other people.

One question. I am due to meet Mr Teacher next week. I'm actually not that bothered and he's in an open relationship, which isn't my thing. I'm going to cancel him. I'm then tempted to block so he can't reply. Is that bad? I don't want to debate anything with him, although he will probably be ok about it. He's sweet but not my type and at the end of the day he is just a stranger. What does the collective knowledge of Mumsnet suggest?

BendyLikeBeckham · 11/07/2018 09:25

TomHardy That wouldn't be my style, I am always courteous especially if saying no thanks, I've changed my mind. Treat others as you'd like to be treated as my mother would say!

You don't need to block to not get engaged in debate. Just be firm and polite.

MargoLovebutter · 11/07/2018 09:30

Tom - you don't have to block MrTeacher afterwards, just don't engage in a debate. If he replies, that doesn't mean you have to. If he replies and is a pain, then you block him. Love Mr Academic's issues with charcuterie!!!!! Wink

So Mr EMAS got in touch this morning, with an apology that he hadn't seen my message, which is of course bollocks because on WhatsApp you can see if someone opened your message. I think I've just been tested. Feeling put off, so he can wait until this evening before I reply - if reply.

Ongoing chat with Mr ClassicCar who seems nice but I'm not sure he's that bothered about dating.

Kinunir · 11/07/2018 09:37

Men also test women? Shock Who'd have thunk it! Grin

BendyLikeBeckham · 11/07/2018 09:43

ugh that's the sort of game playing I can't be doing with.

How did technology allow human interaction to get so complicated?

MargoLovebutter · 11/07/2018 09:45

I shall take the bait Kin! How do women test men? Genuinely interested. I think I'm fairly straightforward person and really can't be doing with 'test' shit. People reveal their true selves soon enough IMO. So, how have you felt tested or have heard of other men being tested? Also, in case I am missing out on cunning tricks

Kinunir · 11/07/2018 09:47

It's all crap isn't it Bendy - the one that gets me most is the whole messaging thing with people wondering who should text first, how long to wait between messages, etc.

If you are worrying about such details then what you are doing isn't fun. So stop it and find someone you can relax with and not worry about such stupid BS.

Kinunir · 11/07/2018 09:53

I don't do it Margo, at least not knowingly. But I do have friends who will do the messaging crap (see above) and another favourite one mate does, is to get really intense and then back right away. He's actually a decent bloke but I've told him more than once that his behaviour is manipulative.

How have I been tested? Again the messaging crap but, more than that, when I was only seeing one woman at a time (and they knew it) its the jealousy plot line in which I'm led to believe (rightly or wrongly) that I'm in competition with other men for her favour. To be fair, it did work on me and is one of many reasons why I believe multi-dating/a harem, so to speak, is of great benefit.

Kinunir · 11/07/2018 10:20

Actually, even though it’s called the dating game, the game playing is something I feel quite passionate about, especially as it is responsible for most of the rules we have on the thread (I’m thinking 2,3,4,5,6,7 and 8).

From my perspective, if I’m seeing someone (in any context really) it’s because I’m genuinely interested in them as a person (I wouldn’t be seeing them if I wasn’t – I’m not that kind of guy), so why would I want to mess with their head? It just doesn’t make any sense, does it?

If I want to know more about them, to discover their core values, I will ask probing questions, lead conversations to the areas I want to know more about and connect with them in a meaningful way.

Likewise, if I am interested in them, why would I want to hide that fact? Maybe, just maybe, it could be perceived as some kind of neediness but why would I wait three days or whatever after a date to make contact with someone I actually liked, just to provoke some feeling within them that would throw them off guard/make them keener to see me or whatever the thinking is behind that?

Do unto others as you would have them do to you. Guard yourself if your emotions could be impacted but otherwise be yourself, be open and be honest and you will, typically, attract the same in the people you meet.

Bit of a rant I guess, and typed quickly so probably complete junk too, but it’s something that really bother me.

And, to be completely fair, it’s something both sexes do. I can almost understand it in younger, inexperienced people but at my age? Neither men nor women should be testing anyone, beyond perhaps making sure they are not a psychopath or other type of danger.

Dating should be fun, not a game in the purest sense in which people are pawns in someone else’s’ attempt to get checkmate in their intellectual chess game.

ValMc1 · 11/07/2018 10:30

Your being very profound this morning Kin

OP posts:
ValMc1 · 11/07/2018 10:30

You're😃

OP posts:
MargoLovebutter · 11/07/2018 10:32

I agree Kin - do unto others as you would have done to yourself and repeat!!!!! We should probably add that to the list of rules.

MinnieMul7 · 11/07/2018 10:32

I am not even sure it is acceptable in your younger years kin. I am under 30 still and sometimes I feel myself getting annoyed because I think I have come off two needy for texting first, or twice in a row. I read them back and I am only startig to realise my behaviour isn't needy at all. It is just how people think dating should work i.e. don't text first, don't double text.

I also read a couple of days ago someone (sorry cannot remember who) said the conversation was more normal with someone younger online. I have thought about this and I think it is because that is all we know. I had to get the train on Monday evening and a guy probably my age, maybe a few years older, also got on, sat opposite and stared at me the whole journey. It made me very uncomfortable but I am not sure people know how to behave IRL always now. I am sure he comes across fine OLD.

Lovemusic33 · 11/07/2018 10:33

Tom ditch Mr teacher, don’t get involved in someone who says they are in a open relationship.

Mr Campervan came back from his trip away yesterday, he’s not messaged me much since being back and messages are short and sweet. Not sure if I’m being paranoid but he doesn’t seem to be putting as much effort in. As far as I know we are still meeting tomorrow evening so I shall just see how things go and not try to over think things in the meantime (easier said than done).

I have stopped messaging one of my irons as I feel I have been leading him on, he’s lovely but I don’t find him atractive, I feel bad for not replying to his messages. Still talking to one of my other irons although he vanished for a while as I cancelled our coffee date last week.

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