Is he having a mid-life crisis or some kind of breakdown?

[sausagelegs101]

I just want to connect with others and get some other views as I'm so upset about what has just happened with my partner of 7 years.

Our relationship has been really good, great friends and really attracted to each other, able to talk about everything, able to give each other space and trusted each other. I thought we had it great. I've got so many amazing memories with him.

Well I am devastated because I have just been off work recovering from surgery for a few months, pretty rough going.

Getting through it though and recovered really well. Into the third month of me recovering he starts to act a bit off, not sitting close to me, looking really excited when he gets a text (the way you do when you're flirting maybe) Not paying much attention to me and always on his phone.

Well I didn't think too much of it at first, I thought he was going out and letting his hair down as it been stressful few months and he deserved some fun. I think it must have set something off because I started having nightmares that he was with other women. Thought it was odd.

Then he started dressing differently, not sure how to explain, bit younger than his years? He's not one to buy new clothes much and he started buying new clothes every few days.
Asking how he looked. I thought ok, nice that he's treating himself. He then starts going out drinking a lot even when he has work at 6am and not telling me where he is.

One day this all came to a head when I was talking to him about a hospital appointment and he couldn't keep off his phone and smiling at whatever was on there, not answering me so I got angry and said stop pushing me away and he exploded and said 'I'm leaving, I've had enough of being with you, I'm finding a house share.'

I was really upset and we had a really horrible few weeks where he was out all day and all night and blowing hot and cold with me and changing his mind.

I feel like in the space of a couple of weeks he has turned into a different person completely. He started going out with 20 year olds from work drinking, dressing differently, and now I find out that it was because of some teenager he met.

He said 'she turned his head' and he wants to 'try it out' with her. He's moving into a shared house up the road and is starting a relationship with her (she lives with her parents!) he says he doesn't even know if it will last but he wants to try it out.

I'm so bloody confused, I feel like in a matter of weeks he's completely changed. I keep wondering if he's having some kind of meltdown? He's throwing 7 years and a home and financial security away for what? 'to test out a teenage life'?!

I've tried to reason with him and ask if it was anything to do with me being not able to be there for him the last few months. I told him what he meant to me and that he can talk to me about anything he's worried about.

I asked him what kind of girl he thinks he's getting involved with that won't wait for a clean break and messes about with an engaged man of 38? (Not just blaming her, I did say he was just as bad)

Pretty much just the same answers every time 'I like talking to her' I like being with her more than you' and stuff like that, he says he only has 'familiarity' with me. But everything was fin a few weeks ago?

He's booked holidays and trips with me just a month ago? He hasn't even told anyone what he's doing, friends family etc to get anyone elses' perspective.

Anyone been through anything similar with any thoughts or advice as to what is going on?

Yeah it does get unhealthy and just sets all the feelings off again. Just when I've been stuck at home resting up I have gotten too curious. Her page is the worst, she's posted all the pictures of them to public. Seems to have no empathy or shame. :(

Yeah I've heard of that, I'll have a look thank you x

Another one who thinks you have to lance the boil, block all numbers and social media and get outraged. Forget about her - one day she'll realise how bad she behaved but it doesn't matter. What matters is that HE has treated you terribly so don't give him the satisfaction of reacting at all.

I'm finding it hard to get to the outraged state, that was my reason for posting back, but a few posters have said it might be because I am looking back too much. I wasn't at first, just seems to have hit me really hard this week. I went to see my surgeon and things like that this week so myabe that set a bit of it off.

Sorry to be like a broken record and thanks for everyone that has a bit of advice or experience to post, I really appreciate it.

One thing I wanted to ask was how do I past being bothered about seeing them or just her and teenage friends around where I live? I only live in a small town (well city but it's only small) and so far I've been limited to getting out and about because of my recovery and pain etc.

How did everyone else that has been through this handle this? I feel nervous in the supermarket like every young girl with brown hair is her!

Not nervous, I mean more just pretty humilated.

Honestly you shouldn’t feel shame. Your ex should. I actually don’t know how he dares go out in public!

Dating a teen!

I do think that under the circumstances you are doing really well. Only time will help you recover.

He will get dumped! He will be a boring old fart to her in a few months but I guess he is putting on an act to keep her interested

It won’t last that’s for sure. He’s a fool

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through OP!

Can any family or friends come to stay with you? Are you close to your Mum? Could she come? Let your family and friends scoop you up.

You have nothing to feel humiliated about. If I heard about this happening to anyone in my circle I would feel nothing but embarrassment for the pathetic man involved. What an utter cliche he is being. You haven’t done anything wrong!

Agree with the advice to do a digital detox- block them both on absolutely everything.

You’re going through a terrible dark time but it WILL end and you will be happy again.

Yeah I know, I keep thinking why am I worried about going out? I haven't even done anything wrong. I think it's because I stupidly looked at her facebook page and saw how flippant and shallow she was about the whole thing. I keep imagining walking past this group of teenagers with my crutch. I know I must sound ridiculous.

Family and friends are a bit spread out, my mum is looking after an ill relative but she has been there on the phone a lot. I might go and visit a friend next week to get a change of scenery. I

Hit enter too soon, meant to say thank you x

One thing I wanted to ask was how do I past being bothered about seeing them or just her and teenage friends around where I live? At every opportunity you do the tinkly laugh thing and say " Yes, mid life crisis, he's such a cliche"

All on him, nothing on you, or the young lady who will dump her 'dangerous' summer holiday fling during Fresher's Week. All him

Tinkly laugh until it feels natural, and repeat phrase until you believe it! Basically re-programme yourself... actively make that leap forward in time happen more quickly.

I don't know if this has been said but when she gets to uni, she will ditch him quick. She's about to enter a new life and he will get left behind

Thanks :) Yeah it's all a bloody cliche. I read this thing called 'The Script' it was a list of lines that people say that have cheated and some mid life crisis lines and it was everything he bloody said. They must think they are so unique and special.

Just can't get past this sad and humilated feeling, reading the comments on her page people said things like 'knew it!'. I find that so humilating and I'm embarrassed to go out. :(

Thanks for letting me vent and sorry I'm a broken record.

Vent away... that's what this place is for, isn't it?

He won't even get the last of his stuff that's boxed up saying he;s working loads but him and her have all these pictures of them at the beach all the time. It's so hurtful, feel like hiring a skip.

Makes me feel worthless that I'm not even worth the time to get last of his boxes so that I can move on.

He's sauntering around having a great time, whilst I had to cancel the holiday I booked as something to look forward to with him when ill and lost money because he upped and left for this teenager.

Hi OP, just been reading through this. God, I really feel for you.
One thing I would say is you can't force emotions. If you're not angry yet then you're not ready to feel angry. It will come eventually though. Take 1 day at a time and try to plan simple things you're going to do, even if its go to the shop, change the bedding. I realise you're a bit restricted with your recovery.
When you do go out, you have to just paint on a fake face and hold your head high (even if you don't feel like that). Like they say "fake it until you make it".
Please keep reminding yourself that this superficial relationship won't last and he will be left looking stupid (even more so than he does now). That is your revenge and its always best served cold.
Please keep posting on here, no-one cares if you keep repeating yourself. Typing things out is quite therapeutic.

Are these men crazy or what?

Fuck me sideways.

Sorry about it all, OP. Hope you feel better soon.

Thanks @Crappyday2018 I feel a bit bad going on but it's hard to keep telling people in real life as they are busy and have stuff going on too.

Yeah I was trying that, fake it until you make it and then this week I just seem to have crumbled a little bit. Looked at their social media and just felt so hurt at how flippant they are about it all. Yeah it all does seem a bit shallow.

I wish I could just feel angry, I just swing from humilated to sad.

Take back your space. He can't use your home as free storage.

Give him a specific time period to come and get it or you will take/send it to his family, her house, his shared digs. But be 100% clear, he no longer has any right to inhabit ANY PART of your life.

That's just part of his keeping his options open!

No-one in real life could blame you for going on either. Your whole life has just been turned upside down. Stop worrying about other people's feelings and start putting yourself first. If that means venting to a friend/family member than do it! If I had a friend going through this, I would be there to listen any time. We've all been through varying degrees of heartache in our lives. I'm going through my own right now but nowhere near as bad as yours so I can only imagine how you feel.
I agree with Curious about being pro-active about removing him from your life though, it does help. Get his stuff out ASAP and get his keys back/change the locks. Block him on social media too. Show him you mean business.

Neither do you!

One last letter, email, text. It will be outside the door at X o'clock. If not collected/arranged to be removed you will assume he no longer wants it and will dispose of it as you see fit.

He doesn't get to force you to keep it!

He's probably trying to keep the door open by leaving his stuff there. Either that, or using you as free storage cos he has nowhere to put it.
Definitely send him a text with a day/time that his stuff will be outside. If its not collected you will arrange for the Council to remove it.
If he doesnt collect I would do just that (but selling anything worth any money on Gumtree first)

You need to start giving him some demands. Such as: if you dont get your stuff by x day I will be packing it up and leaving it on the front door step. Or : i will be telling your parents by x day of you haven't done it by then.

Stuff like that. He doesnt care because the reality is it's not been made official to his family and friends. Once they know he might start thinking about his actions.

I think he's leaving it as he only moved into a room in a house and he had so much stuff to take. I've just ignored it the last week or so as it makes me feel sick to think about contacting him and I just thought he probably doesn't even want it.

He said he was working all these hours but he just seems to be out at the beach etc.

All the stuff is in the corner so I if I give him one last date to get it and he doesn't turn up or seem bothered I suppose that's it.