Is he having a mid-life crisis or some kind of breakdown?

[sausagelegs101]

I just want to connect with others and get some other views as I'm so upset about what has just happened with my partner of 7 years.

Our relationship has been really good, great friends and really attracted to each other, able to talk about everything, able to give each other space and trusted each other. I thought we had it great. I've got so many amazing memories with him.

Well I am devastated because I have just been off work recovering from surgery for a few months, pretty rough going.

Getting through it though and recovered really well. Into the third month of me recovering he starts to act a bit off, not sitting close to me, looking really excited when he gets a text (the way you do when you're flirting maybe) Not paying much attention to me and always on his phone.

Well I didn't think too much of it at first, I thought he was going out and letting his hair down as it been stressful few months and he deserved some fun. I think it must have set something off because I started having nightmares that he was with other women. Thought it was odd.

Then he started dressing differently, not sure how to explain, bit younger than his years? He's not one to buy new clothes much and he started buying new clothes every few days.
Asking how he looked. I thought ok, nice that he's treating himself. He then starts going out drinking a lot even when he has work at 6am and not telling me where he is.

One day this all came to a head when I was talking to him about a hospital appointment and he couldn't keep off his phone and smiling at whatever was on there, not answering me so I got angry and said stop pushing me away and he exploded and said 'I'm leaving, I've had enough of being with you, I'm finding a house share.'

I was really upset and we had a really horrible few weeks where he was out all day and all night and blowing hot and cold with me and changing his mind.

I feel like in the space of a couple of weeks he has turned into a different person completely. He started going out with 20 year olds from work drinking, dressing differently, and now I find out that it was because of some teenager he met.

He said 'she turned his head' and he wants to 'try it out' with her. He's moving into a shared house up the road and is starting a relationship with her (she lives with her parents!) he says he doesn't even know if it will last but he wants to try it out.

I'm so bloody confused, I feel like in a matter of weeks he's completely changed. I keep wondering if he's having some kind of meltdown? He's throwing 7 years and a home and financial security away for what? 'to test out a teenage life'?!

I've tried to reason with him and ask if it was anything to do with me being not able to be there for him the last few months. I told him what he meant to me and that he can talk to me about anything he's worried about.

I asked him what kind of girl he thinks he's getting involved with that won't wait for a clean break and messes about with an engaged man of 38? (Not just blaming her, I did say he was just as bad)

Pretty much just the same answers every time 'I like talking to her' I like being with her more than you' and stuff like that, he says he only has 'familiarity' with me. But everything was fin a few weeks ago?

He's booked holidays and trips with me just a month ago? He hasn't even told anyone what he's doing, friends family etc to get anyone elses' perspective.

Anyone been through anything similar with any thoughts or advice as to what is going on?

Sorry to bump this but really struggling and just wondering if anyone can give me advice, I can't seem to get to the 'anger' stage with this, I have flashes of anger but mainly sadness. I was getting better but now I've had a week of just crying when I get in the door after work.

He's turned out to be pretty horrible, making jokes about 'new bae' (stupid bloody word, fits in with teenage girlfriend) on social media and not asking anything about how I am, (recovering from a major surgery after a fracture) I just can't believe this is him, he's trampled all over my heart and it's one big joke.

I just feel humilated when I go out, I feel like everyone knows (not saying they do) I feel like some kind of failure (why do I feel like a failure when he went off with an adolescent?!)

I feel stuck. :(

Not expecting him to really ask how I am after this behaviour, just can't believe someone doesn't have a second thought after that many years.

Just looking for help as family is spread out and feel so alone with all this.

Although not exactly the same circumstances, the 'love of my life' had an affair, didn't know he was stringing 3 of us along at the same time! I was so hurt I really didn't know what to do, I couldn't tell anyone,I sat down and wrote him a letter, I was able to put down everything I felt about him, it was very vitriolic, but it helped me to get it all out; I actually felt like I was telling him to his face.
Once I had finished, it sort of gave me some closure on the relationship as I felt I had got it out of my system and could leave him to whatever life he ended up with. I do still occasionally think of him, but it's more of a phew! that was a lucky escape.

Oh that's a good idea, like purging it all out of your system. Thank you.

@Sausage101

Keep strong, this waste of space doesn't deserve a moment of your headspace. As soon as the "bae" (bleurgh), goes off to Uni, he will probably be dumped within a few weeks and if she keeps him on it will only be to keep someone at home for fun when she is back. I suspect that most people will be looking at him, thinking he is a complete loser for letting you down when you needed him most. I know I would.

Time will heal and make you feel better, you need to keep finding little things to look forward to, and get through each week day by day. Can you book yourself a little break to look forward to? Maybe buy yourself some new clothes. You are not worthless HE is. for you.

Good luck, Sausage. Hold your head up high, you have done nothing wrong.

@sausagelegs101 you're not stupid! He sounds honestly pathetic, he's mooning after a teenager & pretty soon SHE will have her head turned by someone young and exciting and he'll find himself in the gutter

He sounds like a total tool & to do this while you're unwell too. What a prize of a man

If you write a letter DO NOT SEND IT!!

Write it as if you will and then tuck it away in a drawer.

Do not contact him again - presumably you no longer need to? He will be getting a thrill out of the fact he knows you're still in love with him and she'll be getting a thrill out of the fact she "won".

Stay away and fake it till you make it

Thank @Tinty and @Hadalifeonce Yeah it's a weird one, he's become a total stranger. I know previous posters said in here it was to fit in with her and her teenage crowd, still surreal.

I don't know if he will follow her to uni or anything, ugh this is a huge part of my problem, I keep wondering about them and what he will do when I know it's me I need to concentrate on. I think I just still feel confused by it all, I don't trust my own eyes about anything anymore as I didn't see any of it coming.

Yeah I was thinking about that, booking a weekend away or something, maybe a change of scenery would help. I don't know whether to try counselling again, I feel stuck with the same thoughts going round.

I can't help feeling worthless :( I feel like I've just been tossed away with not one look back. I know deep down I'm not, just a bad combination, still hobbling about on a crutch and in pain physically and emotionally.

Ugh sorry this is a bit waffley, just feel so alone lately. Thanks for the replies, it's nice to just talk on here. xx

@Asleepallday Yeah I know, still find that hard to get head around.
@Powerplayed I won't send it, maybe just burn in fireplace or something! No I don't need to, although he sends me random texts about finding books I was looking for years ago and things, telling me about his long work hours. I don't know what that's all about.

Hey, Sausage. It's easy for us to tell you it will get better over time (and it will). But I know it's bloody hard when you are living through it. If you can verbalise the thoughts going around in your head to a counsellor , it might help.
Is there someone you could get away with? Maybe your sister, if you go on your own without a purpose, you just change location, not what you are doing, by being with someone else you have to be there for them. I would suggest an activity holiday, but i don't think that would work in your current predicament. Not sure how you feel about something like a Yoga retreat? they can help physically and spiritually.

Thanks @Hadalifeonce yeah I know it's time, I was getting better and then this week I seem to be going backwards. Just upset all the time and having memories popping in my head. Wondering what was true, what wasn't.

Yeah I'm having a look at counsellors in my area now.

Yeah a friend that lives a further down on the coast, I might go away and stay with her in a couple of weeks. Yoga retreat sounds nice, I'll have a look, thank you for the ideas. Probably should have done that sooner, with this injury I just have a few okay days and then days of really intense pain so I've hidden away a bit sometimes and made things worse.

He texts you random boring stuff because his bae wouldn’t be interested!

He’s hurt you terribly and you are grieving. The only solution is time. Eventually you will settle into your new reality and your thoughts of him will fade.

Dont expect to move forward if you keep looking back

Do some new things in new places.

Difficult I realise with your recovery etc but there will be some things you can take up.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Quite a good revenge is knowing he has been dumb enough to put it all on social media. When they spilt up she'll have that all over SM too. His stupidity will be there to see for ever and ever. Ha!

I know, I shouldn't look back. Some of it seems more like intrusive thoughts or something, I don't if they really are or it's just some processing. I feel like a lot of stuff just replays in my head even when I'm just getting on with work or trying to sleep.

I think this is a normal process. As adults we develop attachments too and yours has been severed very sharply.

He will eventually be sorry. He’s an absolute fool. Everyone knows it and god knows what her friends and family think!

Her father must be horrified and disgusted

Yeah that's true. Having a lot of nightmares and stuff, it's like my mind is trying to reshuffle it all or something.

Yeah I do wonder what the family think, she's very young looking and lives with mum and dad. I know that's not my concern now really but you do wonder.

An unsentimental letter works wonders. Get it all off your chest. Maybe keep it for a couple of weeks and reread if you need to. Block his number on your mobile and block both of them on social media. You are constantly picking at a wound so it can't heal. Be nice to yourself. He's not worth it if he can't even care for you when you are ill / injured / sick. That is pure selfishness on his side. Get a pet - stroking them improves mental health and will love you unconditionally. I highly recommend cats! You are worth so much more than this tosser

Thanks @fluffypudcats I know, I was doing better and seem to have gone backwards this week. I know I shouldn't look, I knew that wouldn't end well. Even before his stuff was out she was posting pictures of them at the beach and telling her teenage friends how 'she was surprised she hid it as long as she did', made me feel sick. I know it's my own fault for bloody looking.

Yeah I was thinking of adopting an old cat from the local rescue centre. I'd love to get a rescue dog but going to be working a bit more soon. Thanks x

This is going to end badly for him and he will look like a tit. But please block him from contacting you! And also block the girl on fb and dont search for them.
Start planning things to look forward to so youre not always thinking of the past. You need to make new memories to forget the old ones.

Feel so sorry for you though, its a terrible feeling and so unjust. Stay strong

He's a joke. You are not. Put effort into yourself and your life.

You could use social media for good not evil. Sometimes when I am bleurgh and want to do nothing, I think what would I like to post about doing on SM or generally tell people about. Then do that thing. I don't usually put it on SM but it is a useful exercise to help remind me of who I want to be and the fun I like to have.

Block him. It'll do your mental health wonders

Yeah I don't know why I've done that to myself looking and checking. I wasn't looking at anything and then this week I seem to be going backwards, upset all the time. It's just too easy to look isn't it, I think you're right I need to just block both of them and not look back.

Thanks for the tip @Rabbitsaretasty

Op, please block him and her on fb.
I had a horribly obsessive crush on someone and fb was my worst enemy.
For the repetitive thoughts look into EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique aka tapping. Really helped me lots x