Is he having a mid-life crisis or some kind of breakdown?

[sausagelegs101]

I just want to connect with others and get some other views as I'm so upset about what has just happened with my partner of 7 years.

Our relationship has been really good, great friends and really attracted to each other, able to talk about everything, able to give each other space and trusted each other. I thought we had it great. I've got so many amazing memories with him.

Well I am devastated because I have just been off work recovering from surgery for a few months, pretty rough going.

Getting through it though and recovered really well. Into the third month of me recovering he starts to act a bit off, not sitting close to me, looking really excited when he gets a text (the way you do when you're flirting maybe) Not paying much attention to me and always on his phone.

Well I didn't think too much of it at first, I thought he was going out and letting his hair down as it been stressful few months and he deserved some fun. I think it must have set something off because I started having nightmares that he was with other women. Thought it was odd.

Then he started dressing differently, not sure how to explain, bit younger than his years? He's not one to buy new clothes much and he started buying new clothes every few days.
Asking how he looked. I thought ok, nice that he's treating himself. He then starts going out drinking a lot even when he has work at 6am and not telling me where he is.

One day this all came to a head when I was talking to him about a hospital appointment and he couldn't keep off his phone and smiling at whatever was on there, not answering me so I got angry and said stop pushing me away and he exploded and said 'I'm leaving, I've had enough of being with you, I'm finding a house share.'

I was really upset and we had a really horrible few weeks where he was out all day and all night and blowing hot and cold with me and changing his mind.

I feel like in the space of a couple of weeks he has turned into a different person completely. He started going out with 20 year olds from work drinking, dressing differently, and now I find out that it was because of some teenager he met.

He said 'she turned his head' and he wants to 'try it out' with her. He's moving into a shared house up the road and is starting a relationship with her (she lives with her parents!) he says he doesn't even know if it will last but he wants to try it out.

I'm so bloody confused, I feel like in a matter of weeks he's completely changed. I keep wondering if he's having some kind of meltdown? He's throwing 7 years and a home and financial security away for what? 'to test out a teenage life'?!

I've tried to reason with him and ask if it was anything to do with me being not able to be there for him the last few months. I told him what he meant to me and that he can talk to me about anything he's worried about.

I asked him what kind of girl he thinks he's getting involved with that won't wait for a clean break and messes about with an engaged man of 38? (Not just blaming her, I did say he was just as bad)

Pretty much just the same answers every time 'I like talking to her' I like being with her more than you' and stuff like that, he says he only has 'familiarity' with me. But everything was fin a few weeks ago?

He's booked holidays and trips with me just a month ago? He hasn't even told anyone what he's doing, friends family etc to get anyone elses' perspective.

Anyone been through anything similar with any thoughts or advice as to what is going on?

@Sausage101

Have read your whole thread. I don't have much time but I'm going to write you some tips for coping through a change like this. Ymmv but this is what worked for me.

• you can't switch on anger. You have to focus on where you are at present, and fully feel what you are going through right now. That's how you 'graduate' to the next stage of anger. Read this:

www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

Note also that it's normal to cycle back into previous stages of grief. Especially if you've tried to avoid feeling the sorrow and sadness and pain.

• please try not to drink. It will keep you stuck where you are emotionally.

• when you start to feel pain, stop trying to talk yourself out of it, and try to stop the ruminating over "why" etc. Feel it, cry and remind yourself constantly and with real kindness, that is it OK to hurt. Pain won't kill you. Don't run from it, run to it and embrace yourself with love and compassion. Your hurting because you have been injured. There is no shame in that, it's an honest and true thing. And it is temporary. Allow it to happen. Emotions pass if you let them flow through.

• when you can't stop ruminating, write it down. I can't tell you how much this helps. Talk to yourself.

Go in circles if you must. But get it out. Write awful poetry. Write to him, write to yourself, to people who hurt you before, to God, to the hills, to turn ocean, to the friend who died or faded away, to the teacher who always seemed to understand you - just write because it's like draining off an infection so that the poor wound beneath can breathe and heal.

• write down a list of things that nurture and calm you. My list included: making tea, baking, lighting candles, memorizing poetry and reciting it, going for a long walk, doing HIIT workouts, eating ice cream, being close to water or forest, being barefoot, singing, having a bath, dancing, listening to certain types of music, drawing. Think back to the things you did as a child. Including things that seem silly. They all count.

• recipe for surviving a terrible day:

Acknowledge you are hurting Remind yourself that this is temporary but you're going to love yourself through it Write down everything that you feel Go to your list Do things on your list as much as possible until you feel better OR the day is over.

• tell people and lean on them.

I'm sending you my love. You're going to survive. Just keep moving. One foot in front of the other. Xx

Thank you so much @DonkeyPlease that's really kind of you to give all those tips. The tips about ruminating really help, I've been doing that a lot this weekend, just lying awake with it whirring round. Before I would just tell myself stop! and tell myself to stop analysing everything and thinking about it all, so that is really helpful, thank you x

Can you move, Saysage ? Even if it’s to the next town over it will give you a bit of space (though if she’s off to uni then maybe it’s not necessary. But it would get you out of ‘you’ flat and force him to take his stuff too).

Time for a fresh start. Have a think about what you’ve not done but would like to do - whether it’s travel or work/career or going to visit friends and family or a hobby or activity you’ve never got round to.
Autumn is a perfect time for a ‘fresh start’ mentality (because of the back to school vibe I guess). Have a think! Time for life to change.

Sorry for spelling mistakes !

Yeah I've been thinking about that, I've been looking at other towns nearby and thinking whether to move. I do like where I live but I hate thinking I'll run into them or his coworkers who all seemed to know. I don't know why I'm so bothered though as I haven't done anything.

Hopefully getting extra hours at work and doing some voluntary work, just took a bit of time to get the ball rolling because of recovery (didn't eat very well for weeks which hindered physio and had a lot of pain)

Sometimes moving can be helpful in exorcising the ghosts emotionally even aside from the practicalities of it. Just having a place that is your own rather than a place in which you remember him being.

He won't even get the last of his stuff that's boxed up saying he;s working loads but him and her have all these pictures of them at the beach all the time. It's so hurtful, feel like hiring a skip

Don't hire a skip they're expensive. I'd tell him to collect his shit within a couple of days and if he doesn't I'd dump it on his (or her) doorstep. As for the money he cost you because you had to cancel the holiday, I'd be asking for that too. What a twat he is.

Her parents doorstep. Wonder what they'd make of that. (I wouldn't do that by the way)

Hi Sausage,

Just saw this thread and also wanted to chime in with it does get better. I promise you will look back and wonder why you wasted a second thinking about that total arseclown.

Do you have any fun hobbies you can do on days you were together? Can you go to meet ups or other things. Meet other people and get him out of your head.

I hope you realise this but he is not good enough for you. You can and will find someone so much better when you are ready.

It will be okay.

Thanks @GinUnicorn

I asked for more hours at work and found some interesting places to volunteer at in the next few weeks to help other people and try to get out of my own head.

I keep wanting to hide away but I know that's probably the worst thing to do. I just have this burning humilation when I go out (I know I'm repeating myself again sorry for anyone reading through).

Thanks x

I totally understand but you shouldn’t feel humiliated. You’ve acted honestly and with integrity. He should feel humiliated he’s acted like a child.

OP you sound like a really nice person.

He's a cunt.

I've jumped on this thread because it's like reading about my own life..... are most men idiots who have mid life crisis's (?) then??!! My dh has a health problem that he refuses to take any medications for or go for any treatment... he's moved out in a petulant mood..... he's usually a really kind man, I'm not sure who he's become!

The burning humilation when you go out is not real, as in nobody else gives a shit about your relationship, your ex or any of that.

Go out a lot, an extra lot, until your mind accepts that nobody has the foggiest idea and the rare few who do aren't bothered at all.

Yeah I know that logically random strangers don't they don't but apparently all his coworkers did know from what I've read. I know it doesn't matter anyway, probably just a few minutes entertainment on a screen then onto the next post. I think it's just as some of the shock lifts I feel really stupid for not picking up on certain things earlier on.

Thanks.

People are thinking ‘there is a woman who doesn’t take any shit’. And they'd be right to. And when they see him they think ‘oh dear mid life crisis strikes again, how pathetic’.

You are in a similar position to my utterly utterly wonderful friend.

Here’s what we think of her: strong, compassionate, determined, amazing.

Here’s what we think of him: spineless fuckweasel. Walking gutless cliche

DONT feel ashamed or embarrassed to go out.

Thanks, I know I've repeated myself on here today, was having a dark few days. But all of the posts make things a bit clearer again. Thank you x

He's a fucking idiot and will be dumped within a month. Block block block. The best revenge is indifference, he wants you to be mooning over him. And when he tries to come crawling back like the weasel he is, just completely ignore him.

So sorry you've had to go through this OP.

I agree with PP - dump his stuff at his parents, block him and get ready for the inevitable crawling back when she dumps his sorry arse. You will have the ultimate pleasure of laughing in his face. You will eventually get to the place where you realise that this 'man' was never good enough for you.

Thanks @Anasnake

@BearlySlept You might find this thread interesting: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Just throw his stuff away and take back control. Block him and her on fb so you don't see it. Delete his number from your phone. Block him from calling or texting. Take a deep breath and do so etching nice for yourself. Take a break with a friend, treat yourself to a massage, buy so e new clothes, get your hair cut and coloured. Try and fill your time, particularly on Sundays. Good luck, it does take a while but it gets better particularly once you have changed the locks and closed the door.

You poor thing. Be very very nice to yourself and stop telling yourself off for not being angry or over it or Teflon coated enough or whatever! Something awful has happened to you, and it’s going to take a while for you to process it. And because of your health you can’t do a lot of the things people normally do to feel better whilst they go through these first few weeks. Sadly you have to hit those weeks hard, dead on without much in the way of mitigating behaviours. But you’ve already lived through a lot of the worst hours... so well done! Keep breathing, you’ll get there

Great. Was in town and thought I saw them and had the start of a panic attack and had to hide whilst I calmed down. Think I'm going to have to move. :(

Move move move. Moving is good. A fresh start. You can have a big clear out. Go somewhere nice. Get a lovely place of your own that suits your priorities. Get onto the letttings websites and start browsing ! it will be ok OP.