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Original poster

Is he having a mid-life crisis or some kind of breakdown?

309 replies

sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 08:38

I just want to connect with others and get some other views as I'm so upset about what has just happened with my partner of 7 years.

Our relationship has been really good, great friends and really attracted to each other, able to talk about everything, able to give each other space and trusted each other. I thought we had it great. I've got so many amazing memories with him.

Well I am devastated because I have just been off work recovering from surgery for a few months, pretty rough going.

Getting through it though and recovered really well. Into the third month of me recovering he starts to act a bit off, not sitting close to me, looking really excited when he gets a text (the way you do when you're flirting maybe) Not paying much attention to me and always on his phone.

Well I didn't think too much of it at first, I thought he was going out and letting his hair down as it been stressful few months and he deserved some fun. I think it must have set something off because I started having nightmares that he was with other women. Thought it was odd.

Then he started dressing differently, not sure how to explain, bit younger than his years? He's not one to buy new clothes much and he started buying new clothes every few days.
Asking how he looked. I thought ok, nice that he's treating himself. He then starts going out drinking a lot even when he has work at 6am and not telling me where he is.

One day this all came to a head when I was talking to him about a hospital appointment and he couldn't keep off his phone and smiling at whatever was on there, not answering me so I got angry and said stop pushing me away and he exploded and said 'I'm leaving, I've had enough of being with you, I'm finding a house share.'

I was really upset and we had a really horrible few weeks where he was out all day and all night and blowing hot and cold with me and changing his mind.

I feel like in the space of a couple of weeks he has turned into a different person completely. He started going out with 20 year olds from work drinking, dressing differently, and now I find out that it was because of some teenager he met.

He said 'she turned his head' and he wants to 'try it out' with her. He's moving into a shared house up the road and is starting a relationship with her (she lives with her parents!) he says he doesn't even know if it will last but he wants to try it out.

I'm so bloody confused, I feel like in a matter of weeks he's completely changed. I keep wondering if he's having some kind of meltdown? He's throwing 7 years and a home and financial security away for what? 'to test out a teenage life'?!

I've tried to reason with him and ask if it was anything to do with me being not able to be there for him the last few months. I told him what he meant to me and that he can talk to me about anything he's worried about.

I asked him what kind of girl he thinks he's getting involved with that won't wait for a clean break and messes about with an engaged man of 38? (Not just blaming her, I did say he was just as bad)

Pretty much just the same answers every time 'I like talking to her' I like being with her more than you' and stuff like that, he says he only has 'familiarity' with me. But everything was fin a few weeks ago?

He's booked holidays and trips with me just a month ago? He hasn't even told anyone what he's doing, friends family etc to get anyone elses' perspective.

Anyone been through anything similar with any thoughts or advice as to what is going on?

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 27/08/2018 12:05

Thanks @JennyHolzersghost yeah having a look, it's a shame I do like where I live, I like this area but I don't know if she'll even go off to uni. Everything here feels a bit tainted now anyway.

I don't if this feeling will fade and it will be a mistake to leave. Maybe when I get busier the next few weeks I will be less bothered, I don't know.

RabbitsAreTasty · 27/08/2018 12:09

Start looking for new places. You'll have a nice diversion, a feeling of knowing there is an escape route. Then if you decide need it, you can move rapidly. If you decide to stay, you know it was an active decision not inertia or being trapped. Both would likely be good for your mh.

JennyHolzersGhost · 27/08/2018 12:10

Well you might as well have a preliminary look around and see which alternative area you might fancy, get a feel for prices, etc etc, then you’ve got a plan B if you’re still feeling the same after you get a bit busier. I love a good plan B, me Grin

Orange6904 · 27/08/2018 12:27

That does make sense what you both said, having a look around now and making some notes. Thank you. :)

crappyday2018 · 27/08/2018 13:42

Moving sounds like a good idea but I'm not sure you are in the right frame of mind to make massive decisions like that. Do you rent or own your house? I assume its yours and not half his?
If you have to sell up, that will take some time to sort anyway.
September is very close so chances are she will be gone soon so why not wait and make a decision then?
I agree, no harm in looking around though in case its what you decide to do.

Orange6904 · 27/08/2018 13:53

Hi crappyday2018, I rent the place and yeah I agree, I was even thinking of moving abroad in the first few weeks and had to keep telling myself to calm down and wait a bit as it's a bit of a rollercoaster with the emotions.

fluffypudcats · 27/08/2018 14:24

Have you blocked them on social media yet? If you have, Wine. If not, do this one nice thing for yourself today, even if it's the only thing you do. Once you have sorted him getting his stuff, block him too. It really will help Thanks

Orange6904 · 27/08/2018 15:23

Yes @fluffypucats it's too painful and I know worse is probably to come. Thanks Wine

GinUnicorn · 27/08/2018 15:24

It’s a day by day thing Sausage but time will help. Flowers

Orange6904 · 27/08/2018 15:56

Is it normal to feel okay one day then feel like you're going backwards the next day, that's how it seems to be going. Thanks GinUnicorn

otterturk · 27/08/2018 16:18

@DonkeyPlease

That's was brilliant advice and I'm using it myself; not in the same situation but broken hearted nonetheless. Have you heard of thk Hoffman Process? It sounds similar to what they teach.

OP, you've been through the absolute wringer and dealt with the absolute worst of human behaviour. You're surviving: be kind to yourself.

Orange6904 · 27/08/2018 16:37

Sorry to hear that @otterturk and thank you.

Yeah I've saved that post and a lot of others on here, might sound cheesy but the advice from posters on here has gotten me through some really terrible days.

otterturk · 27/08/2018 16:45

It's not cheesy. Sometimes snippets of wisdom are the building blocks to our recovery.

Orange6904 · 27/08/2018 17:23

I've just tried writing some thoughts, even some poetry (rubbish though) and it's helping a lot already. Thank you again @DonkeyPlease.

Maybe I'll publish my own book. I'll call it 'Mid-life crisis and Daddy Issues' Grin anyone want a pre-order?

RabbitsAreTasty · 27/08/2018 18:29

Start a website like chump lady did. Bring your wisdom to the world of stung partners.

needyourlovingtouch · 27/08/2018 19:11

Bloody hell. So glad for your sake that you aren't married. If you haven't planned the wedding much I would leave him

Tisahardlife · 27/08/2018 21:07

Ah Sausage, what an utter shit he is.

In similar circumstances a few years ago I felt more able to go out in public if I was wearing sunglasses as I could hide behind them. Would something like this help with the feelings of other people watching and judging you? (though in all likelihood, if there is judging, it won't be aimed in your direction).

Headupshouldersback · 27/08/2018 23:04

I feel for you op, being dumped is the closest to madness I have ever felt.

It was like ptsd and it was a couple of years before I was truly ok again (I thought it was less time than that but looking back it was that long)

Keep busy, don’t torture yourself by looking at their social media etc
They are not doing this to hurt you, they are not thinking about you at all.

My mum used to say if a man is the sort that makes you cry, have a bloody good bawl and move on.

You will look back on this one day from a much happier place and be glad that it happened x

Orange6904 · 27/08/2018 23:09

Thanks for the kind words. Yeah it's been a bit of a rollercoaster. I'm sure they aren't thinking of me at all I know.

@Tisahardlife I think I have some groucho glasses in my drawer lol. Try them for the next Boots visit. But yeah that's not a bad idea, thank you x

January2015 · 28/08/2018 08:14

Hold your head up high, you have done nothing wrong and have absolutely nothing to feel humiliated about.
You have behaved with dignity, and need to keep doing so. Let him look back and see what he has thrown away - and let him reflect on how he has hugely humiliated himself - not you.
It’s now time to think about you, not him.

Orange6904 · 28/08/2018 12:58

Well I'm a total idiot, I stupidly looked at her profile. Looks like he has met all her family, some big family shot so they must all be okay with some creepy 20 year age gap of a teen and a pushing 40 year old.

Made me feel sick. Blocked it once and for all.

Feel empty, just tossed away like a broken toy and he's jumped straight into some happy life. I don't have any closure, I don't even know what I did wrong as he just wouldn't tell me anything. So if I ever bloody meet anyone else I don't even know what I did wrong.

Why do these people that crap on other's always seem to land on their feet. :(

Orange6904 · 28/08/2018 13:07

Oh yeah I forgot what I did wrong.

Break a major bone and fine 3 months not going out a bit hard.

Apparently he couldn't talk to me but could talk to her.

I 'changed'. But wasn't told how.

SendintheArdwolves · 28/08/2018 14:03

Just wanted to delurk and say how well you're doing (although I know it does not feel like it). Blocking is a really good step - you aren't a bit player in their embarrassing melodrama, you are the star of your own life.

I understand the fear of bumping into her or her friends but I think you are looking at it wrong - you won't be a figure of fun to her. You will be a dose of reality - up until now, you will have been a hypothetical ex to her and her circle. But if one of them sees you out living your life, they will suddenly realise you are an actual human, and it might give her a tiny shadow of shame. She is probably shit scared of bumping into you, and would go quite a long way to avoid it.

I mean, don't give it any headspace - what she and your ex think are so low down on the list of things to concern yourself with. But don't feel like you're vulnerable and powerless.

Orange6904 · 28/08/2018 14:10

I know, I keep telling myself that. I shouldn't have looked, I looked at work today. I should have know it would set me back. I have blocked them now, I can't look at anything else after that.

I know it's stupid to be caring about anyone else and their thoughts, like others said it doesn't matter. I think it's tied up in my feelings of how it has happened and feeling such low worth.

I know I'm not powerless, these feelings are just so strong right now. I should have listened from the start and not looked back. I'm shocked at how hard that picture hit me.

Namechange8471 · 28/08/2018 14:11

I'd run for the hills. A nearly 40 year man pursuing a teenage girl is disgusting.