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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been messaged by an OW

352 replies

Bloodyfucksake · 05/07/2018 03:06

I've name changed.
My husband works away. I normaly have no trust issues. I'm busy at home- I work and have 3 DC.
I was out for the day with the DC and had my phone on battery saving mode so couldnt see the internet. Once I'd gotten home and charged it a bit I could see there were messages on Messenger and Instagram from the same woman.

She said she wanted to tell me about my husband. That somethinf had happened and she felt as a woman and mother that she should let me know.

I replied asking her to give me more information. Anyway, we exchanged a few messages. She said that my husband got her pregnant and that she lost it.

I'm not sure what to make of this. He's been gone for 4 weeks, and I'm pretty sure the 1st week he was working intensively. I know after that he has had the opportunity to go out. So even if she met him 3 weeks ago- could she have gotten pregnant and lost it?

She keeps saysing things like 'Don't think I'm a bitch' and 'Please stop freaking out' , 'Please stop caĺling your husband and freaking out at him'.

But I'm not freaking out. I called my husband once. He said he did go out with colleagues and meet a group of girls. That this one girl has been messaging him and apparently saying she has been sent from God to save our marriage.

Now, while maybe the pregnancy thing is not correct- what is he doing meeting up with girls. Why has she got his details.

I have asked her to explain to me what happened e.g. how she met him, how she knows him, what happened but her responses don't answer my questions. She just keeps saying "Don't freak out, please let me tell you the whole story" and "he loves you really"

I feel quite detached. As if theres some sort of drama going on that Im not really part of.

Any idea what I should do?

OP posts:
SD1978 · 05/07/2018 09:44

Balls, that’s doesn’t sound good. I agree you wouldn’t be discussing a late period with a random bloke who had no vested interest in your period. I’m sorry to hear this, and sorry he’s trying to fob you off. Can you send him one of the screenshots so he knows you’re serious? How long until he comes home?

FluctuatNecMergitur · 05/07/2018 09:45

If your husband regularly works away for weeks ata a time somewhere with a very different time zone. Then I'd imagine this is the beginning of a very big can of worms. Sorry OP.

Juells · 05/07/2018 09:46

Agree with PP who advised blocking her. Even if what she's claiming is true, she's a bit deranged and you don't need any more contact with her when your own head is spinning.

Shitty of your H not to reply. I'd be reading that as significant, unfortunately :(

BitOutOfPractice · 05/07/2018 09:53

Oh OP this doesn't sound good. And I agree, you need to prepare yourself for finding a massive can of worms

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 05/07/2018 09:54

So he is responding. Its all stupid, immature shit that I don't have time to deap with. It's like high school drama not fucking 40 year olds with a house and 3 kids.

Husbands version of events - stayed in a hotel room. It had 2 single beds. They didnt have sex. They dated a few times. Still no sex.

Womans version of events - they met on tinder and had sex and dated a few times. He said he was divorced.

I believe hers to be honest. Who stays in a hotel room with a fucking stranger in 2 single beds? Come on.

And even if that was true - he's a bloody weirdo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 05/07/2018 09:55

And yes she is nuts, but probably also telling the truth.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 05/07/2018 09:58

Staying in a hotel room with a stranger and not telling you about it would be relationship ending for me anyway. But as you said, that’s sounds absolute bollocks to me, especially as he’s already said he dated her (again relationship ending even without sex)

RatRolyPoly · 05/07/2018 09:58

Fucking hell. Yeah, her story does sound about right.

NotARegularPenguin · 05/07/2018 09:59

Sounds as dodgy as anything. I wouldn't believe the single bed stuff.

RatRolyPoly · 05/07/2018 09:59

And to be fair to her, if he told her he was divorced and she's quite recently miscarried the baby of someone she now knows to be a married man with 3 kids, she might not be holding up so well herself.

HollowTalk · 05/07/2018 09:59

How does he say he met her? I'd ask the woman for a screenshot of his Tinder profile and then dump him.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 05/07/2018 10:00

Oh god. I'm really sorry. Her version sounds far more plausible, albeit through a filter of "a bit mad".

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 05/07/2018 10:01

And to be fair to her, if he told her he was divorced and she's quite recently miscarried the baby of someone she now knows to be a married man with 3 kids, she might not be holding up so well herself.

That's a really good point.

Mumsnut · 05/07/2018 10:02

Can you check for a Tinder profile?

SummerGems · 05/07/2018 10:02

The woman sounds like a deranged nutjob. I agree that there are some issues wrt your DH going on dates with this woman and that you clearly need to talk. However if she thought she might be pregnant she would surely have said that she thought she was pregnant and then confirming it rather than just saying she’d missed her period and his asking if she was ok?

In fact the fact he’s asking if she’s ok would imply more to me that he hadn’t considered pregnancy as a possibility either.

I am FWIW not defending for one second his going on dates with this woman And there are very clearly things which need to be dealt with esp when he comes home. But screenshots of a woman telling him she’s worried that she’s missed her period and his then saying that she should see the doctor are more of an indication to me that they’re not in a relationship than that they are, and that she’s an over-sharer.

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 05/07/2018 10:02

Apparently he has deleted his tinder profile. I don't have the energy to dig further.

We have a holiday booked with friends and all the kids on the 1st of August. Its the day he gets back. The kids are so excited. They miss him so much.

OP posts:
user1497991628 · 05/07/2018 10:03

Another one who’s been there 💐

Advice I wish I’d taken: don’t take him back. Prepare practically and emotionally for life alone. Take legal advice as to your rights. Get details of all paperwork relating to finances.

Email all the information you have to an account of your own.

What I actually did: sob, beg, not eat, smoke, sob...... three years down the line I’m actually getting my act together. But it’s still awful and he’s still trying to shaft me.

Horrible time, OP, sorry

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/07/2018 10:03

Even if no sex - they 'dated a few times and he told her was divorced'.

So if he hadn't slept with her (and it sounds like he did), he's still out there, pretending to be single, and dating other women.

He's a dick, OP. I am so sorry.

HelenK73 · 05/07/2018 10:03

Well there you have it. He fucked someone behind your back while you were at home looking after his three kids. It totally back fired on him as she's turned into a right bunny boiler. Bet he's kicking himself. I would pack up all his belongings, stick them in storage, change the locks and kick him to the kerb. Leopards never change their spots.

TheDailyMailisToiletPaper · 05/07/2018 10:04

Yes, back when I was dating people I used to always get a twin room when I stayed in hotels with them. Much better night's sleep in your own single bed and no danger of anyone's bits getting anywhere near anyone else's bits because that's not what you're remotely interested in when you're dating someone is it? Hmm

Sorry you're going through this OP. His excuses are pathetic and laughable if the consequences for you and your family weren't so awful.

What a cunt.

The OW might seem nuts, but if she has miscarried, she's probably not thinking straight. I was a crazy mess after my miscarriage.

Looks like it's time to implement the well-worn mumsnet procedure of 'getting your ducks in a row'. It's handy that he's still away because you can get hold of and photocopy all paperwork, payslips, etc, and start gathering what you need to get the ball rolling for a divorce, if that's what you want further down the line.

There's an amazing thread on here by CoatsProtectionLeague which is basically a masterclass in how to protect yourself when you DH turns out to be a cheating prick.

Flowers
soupforbrains · 05/07/2018 10:04

Why did he even HAVE a tinder profile?! what a fuckwit

sorry you're going through this OP.

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 05/07/2018 10:05

Some of the screen shots discuss our seperation. He's quite the story teller.

I don't need to snoop further. It's pretty clear he's disregarded our marriage and familly. I just don't know what to do now.

OP posts:
Strawberry2017 · 05/07/2018 10:05

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Use the next few weeks to get everything in order and pack his belongings.
You don't need him and you deserve better. X

BitOutOfPractice · 05/07/2018 10:06

His version sounds hillocks unlikely doesn't it?

So, in the script so far we've had denial and minimising. There will be more.

clippityclock · 05/07/2018 10:06

I'm afraid to say she is probably one of many that he has used Tinder to hook up while away.

I'd be getting myself down the sexual health clinic pronto as he clearly is not using any protection. He's put you at massive risk of contracting diseases.