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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been messaged by an OW

352 replies

Bloodyfucksake · 05/07/2018 03:06

I've name changed.
My husband works away. I normaly have no trust issues. I'm busy at home- I work and have 3 DC.
I was out for the day with the DC and had my phone on battery saving mode so couldnt see the internet. Once I'd gotten home and charged it a bit I could see there were messages on Messenger and Instagram from the same woman.

She said she wanted to tell me about my husband. That somethinf had happened and she felt as a woman and mother that she should let me know.

I replied asking her to give me more information. Anyway, we exchanged a few messages. She said that my husband got her pregnant and that she lost it.

I'm not sure what to make of this. He's been gone for 4 weeks, and I'm pretty sure the 1st week he was working intensively. I know after that he has had the opportunity to go out. So even if she met him 3 weeks ago- could she have gotten pregnant and lost it?

She keeps saysing things like 'Don't think I'm a bitch' and 'Please stop freaking out' , 'Please stop caĺling your husband and freaking out at him'.

But I'm not freaking out. I called my husband once. He said he did go out with colleagues and meet a group of girls. That this one girl has been messaging him and apparently saying she has been sent from God to save our marriage.

Now, while maybe the pregnancy thing is not correct- what is he doing meeting up with girls. Why has she got his details.

I have asked her to explain to me what happened e.g. how she met him, how she knows him, what happened but her responses don't answer my questions. She just keeps saying "Don't freak out, please let me tell you the whole story" and "he loves you really"

I feel quite detached. As if theres some sort of drama going on that Im not really part of.

Any idea what I should do?

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 05/07/2018 07:28

I think people are seeing that 3 hours after starting the thread, OP posts that her husband has admitted it, and that her questions are answered. Seems pretty clear to me.

I'm sorry OP. Hope you can get some time for you to process your situation. Flowers

SummerBambinosMum · 05/07/2018 07:29

Oh gosh I'm so sorry OP. I had something similar happen and she managed to contact me on my work social media account- needless to say it came as a massive shock.

So hoping you have a good support network now to get you through this ❤️

FrangipaniBlue · 05/07/2018 07:29

Fucksake talk about the mob creating a drama and whipping the OP into a state 

@Bloodyfucksake, firstly, I used to work away and contrary to what some posters think this does not equal automatic bad behaviour. I have never and would never cheat on my husband.

I did however go out drinking with colleagues that I regularly worked with, sometimes clients (male) would invite me out, sometimes there would be other people who worked in the building tag along and sometimes people would arrange for other friends to come. It was regularly a mixed group of male and female so it's perfectly plausible that your DH went out with a group of people he knows and that other people he didn't know (ie this girl) were also invited along.

Secondly, I'm taking it that as she has been able to message you on both Instagram and Facebook your accounts are not completely private, again it's perfectly possible to find someone's spouse just from knowing your DHs name and region he lives in (information that he'd no doubt happily give up while making small talk with new people!). As part of my line of work I sometimes need to use social media to find out information about people and you really would be amazed at what you can find out!

Thirdly, there are some really fucking unhinged people in the world, I won't go into details but my DH and I have been on the receiving end of a bunny boiler and the police ended up being involved. The fact that she isn't answering your questions in a rational way quite frankly, would tell me everything I needed to know!

Lastly, trust your gut. Again in my line of work this has been invaluable to me and I'm very rarely off the mark. I know wives of unfaithful husbands don't usually see it coming, but in hindsight most would say "actually there were signs that I should e picked up on". Now that you have this information what's your gut telling you? Are there other things that seemed ordinary at the time but now seem suspicious? If the answers no then I think you have your answer.

yakari · 05/07/2018 07:30

Can't believe people are obsessing about the way she contacted the Op?!

To be honest the first thing that I can think of is your DH would have to be spectacularly unlucky to have his first ONS and get some one pregnant, who then miscarried and then contacted his wife! I'd want to know more details about when they met, what happened etc but I'm afraid I'd be assuming he often went out whilst away and was chatting up women or having a number of ONS's. Sorry.

Thanks for you Op, it's shite. I have a husband who works away a lot so I know how important it is to keep the trust going in those kind of relationships. Hopefully you can get more clarity from the woman and less 'don't freaky out' nonsense. Then sadly it probably won't be resolve til he's back home and you can talk face to face. Is that long? For your sake I hope not.

amilosingitor · 05/07/2018 07:31

I'm sorry op Sad

ScrubTheDecks · 05/07/2018 07:43

“However there's no smoke without fire.”

Actually, in the world of gossip, humans and disturbed people, anything at all can be said with no basis in fact whatsoever. I have traumatic lived experience if this and the lingering ‘no smoke’ suspicions of everyone who knew about it (it was v public, at work, I had to get a lawyer) is one of the most damaging lasting effects.

OP, she doesn’t ‘have your details, she worked you out via Facebook Instagram probably from havjng dtalked your DH on his accounts. Her story is implausible/ inconsistent.

I am happily married, I often work away from home, often socialising with groups of men in the same work setting. Nothing happens. I know many men mess about but it is also totally normal for nothing to happen.

I have no idea what may or may not be going on here but try and look at it through a ‘neutral’ lens.

I hope it is all sorted.

BedtimeTea · 05/07/2018 07:55

Sorry to hear it was not all lies OP.

I guess OP's husband admitted to having sex....all the rest sounds like the rants of a troubled woman.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 05/07/2018 07:56

There may be no smoke without fire, but sometimes it's a troublemaker waving their vape around and trying to claim that the city hall is ablaze.

Beebiesandcheebies · 05/07/2018 08:01
Flowers
SparklyMagpie · 05/07/2018 08:02

Hoping You're ok OP! :(

1043voyager · 05/07/2018 08:09

Innocent until proven guilty isn't it? Apart from trail by Mumsnet jury.
Sorry op the woman seem demented and as someone else pointed out, could well be saying similar things about you to your DH.
You need to have a one2one talk with him asap Smile

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 05/07/2018 08:12

Innocent until proven guilty isn't it? Apart from trail by Mumsnet jury.

She posted that he has admitted it.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 05/07/2018 08:12

Ignore 1043voyager, he's just started another thread asking if he should pursue a woman 30 years younger, and anyone who says it's not a good idea is a 'harridan', 'virago', 'feminazi', 'poisonous shrew', women are to blame for misogynists etc etc. I'm afraid he's one of those.

MsJolly · 05/07/2018 08:15
Flowers
Thebluedog · 05/07/2018 08:15
Flowers
ProfessorMoody · 05/07/2018 08:20

He admitted sleeping with her?

Shambu · 05/07/2018 08:34

What timeframe did she give OP? Did she say it was as recently as his last trip away?

Crashbangwhatausername · 05/07/2018 08:37

How did she meet him, get pregnant and lose it in such a timeframe? ThanksI hope you're ok op

AjasLipstick · 05/07/2018 08:38

My worry would be that if my DH met a group of girls and one was a bit odd and said she was sent from God, he'd tell me immediately! He wouldn't just shelve something like that.

Juells · 05/07/2018 08:47

She has MH problems, obviously. Quite apart from worrying about an affair, I'd be livid at a DH drawing someone like that onto me, allowing her to find my ph number.

The meeting/getting pregnant/losing the baby all in a few weeks is deranged, didn't happen. Also it's as if she's not capable of processing your replies, is just focused on what she has to say.

No advice, sorry.

ScrubTheDecks · 05/07/2018 08:48

Sorry, OP, admitted meeting her or admitted sleeping with her , and pg?

Wasn’t 100% sure from your post.

Sad Sending you strength.

EveningHare · 05/07/2018 08:48

so I have asked her to explain to me what happened e.g. how she met him, how she knows him, what happened but her responses don't answer my questions. She just keeps saying "Don't freak out, please let me tell you the whole story" and "he loves you really"

and has she told you 'the whole story' ? has she told you about anything identifying on his body? which she should be able to tell you if she has slept with him

Juells · 05/07/2018 08:51

It's truly weird, as if she's a badly-working bot!

wagil · 05/07/2018 08:55

The OP posted at 6am that he's admitted it, so there's really no point in trying to reassure her that it could all be a mistake!

Discotits · 05/07/2018 09:06

It wasn’t clear what he admitted though. I read it as he admitted meeting her out.

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