I've been messaged by an OW

[Bloodyfucksake]

I've name changed.
My husband works away. I normaly have no trust issues. I'm busy at home- I work and have 3 DC.
I was out for the day with the DC and had my phone on battery saving mode so couldnt see the internet. Once I'd gotten home and charged it a bit I could see there were messages on Messenger and Instagram from the same woman.

She said she wanted to tell me about my husband. That somethinf had happened and she felt as a woman and mother that she should let me know.

I replied asking her to give me more information. Anyway, we exchanged a few messages. She said that my husband got her pregnant and that she lost it.

I'm not sure what to make of this. He's been gone for 4 weeks, and I'm pretty sure the 1st week he was working intensively. I know after that he has had the opportunity to go out. So even if she met him 3 weeks ago- could she have gotten pregnant and lost it?

She keeps saysing things like 'Don't think I'm a bitch' and 'Please stop freaking out' , 'Please stop caĺling your husband and freaking out at him'.

But I'm not freaking out. I called my husband once. He said he did go out with colleagues and meet a group of girls. That this one girl has been messaging him and apparently saying she has been sent from God to save our marriage.

Now, while maybe the pregnancy thing is not correct- what is he doing meeting up with girls. Why has she got his details.

I have asked her to explain to me what happened e.g. how she met him, how she knows him, what happened but her responses don't answer my questions. She just keeps saying "Don't freak out, please let me tell you the whole story" and "he loves you really"

I feel quite detached. As if theres some sort of drama going on that Im not really part of.

Any idea what I should do?

i'm afraid i'd assume the worst.

as another pp has said, i'd gather as much info as possible, in order to confront him with as soon as you can.

if you don't, and you end up accepting a half-arsed explanation, you'll only be wondering every time he goes away, which will eventually lead to resentment.

if there's then reasonable explanations/obvious mentalness from the OW, it'll be a relief (but probably won't stop you wondering when he's away).

i would definitely make it clear that you'd be gone if it turned out to be true (on this occasion, or another).

I’m with soupforbrains why does is even have a tinder account. I doubt it was for late night talks about poetry

I'm sorry you are going through this. And yes it's definitely "Ducks in a row" time.

Pack his stuff up, get the ball rolling for divorce proceedings. Focus on you and the kids and don't give him the headspace (easier said than done I know).

Even if you can forgive him for this one I can guarantee that she isn't the first and she won't be the last.

You don't need to do anything RIGHT now. Sit down and breathe and have a cup of tea. Do you have any friends handy you can talk to?

You're in shock. He's not back until 01 August (although you may have to prepare for him not coming back then). So you have time. You can't think straight with this having just happened, so don't even try.

Plans can happen later.

Do I tell the kids? I'm not going to forgive. This is not going to get better. DC1 having surgery in 10 days and DC3 going into a clinic for observation for something else that might require surgery next week. They don't need to know Daddy let us down. But then how to explain why I wont be happily calling him or he wont be on our family holiday.

Do I just stay quiet? DC1 will guess and worry.

fucking hell They dated a few times you dont get to date someone else!

so sorry OP - thats awful for you - take some time and try not to stress too much, do you have someone who you can talk to

So sorry op

Hey

Do you have someone who you can talk to in RL? Someone to come be with you?

You will be OK.

He will not.

Hugs.

I wouldn't tell the kids yet, you know something is very wrong here, but don't have enough to go on - and are probably very upset and a bit too raw.

Let the dust settle for yourself a bit first. Get your head and admin etc together first and work out a plan. A week won't hurt. If this is it then they need to know as soon as possible, but not the day you've found out. I think you need some headspace before helping them through their grief. For your benefit and for theirs.

OP, as PP mention - now that DH is aware that you know something, do what you can to sort the finances before he acts.

Protect yourselves and your DC.

At the same time, consider what explanation/heartfelt remorse might convince you to overlook this if you want to preserve your marriage. Would your DH have to provide an amazing apology with promises of reparations to you and the DC that involves committing to relationship counselling or whatever feels appropriate?

I'm so sorry for the emotional shock and sense of betrayal that might well feel like body blows. And that you can't show because you have DC. Do you have people in RL to whom you can speak?

Best thing for your kids right now is for you to get yourself looked after. Do you have someone you can call? Parent, sibling, friend?

It would be a shame if you lost his passport and only you and the kids could go and enjoy the holiday before shitstorm he has created kicks off and he turns his kids worlds upside down.

He. He, he, he!

None of this is on you. He did this.

Gosh I don't really know what to say. I can totally understand how you feel though, it's almost like you must feel you are watching something unfold and you don't know if it's true.

You do know your husband best, trust your gut, whatever that is.

And yes, quite how she got pregnant and lost it all in 3 weeks is impossible. If she is lying about that she's probably lying about a lot more.

To echo PP she does sound unhinged.

Agree with GirldownUnder, you're going to be ok and get through this.

So sorry to read about it though. If you're sure there's no getting past it (I would be too, but I know some people would wait a while, each to their own) I'd be tempted to take the children on holiday with friends as expected and tell your husband to use that time to find somewhere alternative to live, pack his stuff and move out.

You have time to sort this out. You don't have to rush into doing or saying anything to anyone, although I agree some RL support is probably much needed right now.

Oh crikey sorry I didn't see later on that he'd admitted it.

I don't know how she got pregnant so quickly, still sounds like a lot of nonsense to me but with some unimaginably hurtful cheating mixed in.

What a shit. Hope you are holding up OP x

Message DH "have you had Dec with this woman?" As for h asking her if she's ok, if he hadn't, he'd just consider her a complete nutter and go NC. It looks like he has, but I'm not sure why you haven't ascertained, definitively, if he has or hasn't.

It would be my main mission to find out if I were you.

As much as it pains me to say I'd discuss with him how you are going to tell dcs together once you have a plan in place. (plans for divorce/ house etc) I'd prob still go on holiday as planned for their sake althou I expect most on here would disagree. I'd never stay with someone who cheated as never be able to trust them again. It's shit OP but at least you found out.

Oh Op I'm so sorry

please make very practical steps, freeze your joint account/savings etc.

How well do you get on with the friends you are going away with? If they are good friends, I would call them now and tell them and explain that you will be coming on your own.

As to dc, well, by 1st August they will know, so it is a matter of timing.

Do you have anyone you can talk to in RL?

When confronted about infidelity men (and probably women too) rarely tell the whole truth, they will reveal only enough to excuse and minimise behaviour. I think you need to be prepared for there being a lot more to this than your DH will admit.

Oh god I'm sorry yet another woman is having to deal with this shit
With the benefit of hindsight, my advice is to make your decision, then cut to the chase. I lost months, years which are just a fog of pick-me dancing, low self worth, disbelief, being spun lies, new bits of info drip drip dripping. I could've done without it all. You know enough now. Any more info after this point isn't worth mulling over, wasting time hurting over.
Don't fall into the trap of demonising the OH. She isn't a she-devil or a bunny boiler. She fell victim to the absolute cunt of a man you're now having to negotiate a new life because of. The anger will be useful in drawing the strength to get rid of him.

Fucking hell OP, what a wanker. Batshit woman has done you a massive favour. I was in a similar position in January. I was a mess then, but I'm totally fine now. You sound way stronger than me. Look forward to your holiday, the holiday that wanker should definitely not be going on! He's threw this away, it's all on him 100%. Your future is brighter without this dickhead in it

I spose if he doesn't return in time to face the music or you decide he can't go on the holiday then you could tell the dcs that he has had to stay on longer for his job?

Betrayal starts long before he drops his keks.

I think the best thing now - for your own sanity - is to text something to your DH along the following lines.

Dear H

Please stop insulting me with your almost laughable lies. I do not need to hear any more bleating from you about 'dating' and sharing a hotel room with your date but not sleeping together. Please, credit me - your soon to be ex wife - with a little more intelligence than that.

I don't need to know all the details. I won't give you the relief of un-burdening, and to be honest your 'date' has shared quite enough for the both of you.

We need to find a way to navigate our separation in a way that is least damaging to the children and I'd like to hear your suggestions.

From Fucksake