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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been messaged by an OW

352 replies

Bloodyfucksake · 05/07/2018 03:06

I've name changed.
My husband works away. I normaly have no trust issues. I'm busy at home- I work and have 3 DC.
I was out for the day with the DC and had my phone on battery saving mode so couldnt see the internet. Once I'd gotten home and charged it a bit I could see there were messages on Messenger and Instagram from the same woman.

She said she wanted to tell me about my husband. That somethinf had happened and she felt as a woman and mother that she should let me know.

I replied asking her to give me more information. Anyway, we exchanged a few messages. She said that my husband got her pregnant and that she lost it.

I'm not sure what to make of this. He's been gone for 4 weeks, and I'm pretty sure the 1st week he was working intensively. I know after that he has had the opportunity to go out. So even if she met him 3 weeks ago- could she have gotten pregnant and lost it?

She keeps saysing things like 'Don't think I'm a bitch' and 'Please stop freaking out' , 'Please stop caĺling your husband and freaking out at him'.

But I'm not freaking out. I called my husband once. He said he did go out with colleagues and meet a group of girls. That this one girl has been messaging him and apparently saying she has been sent from God to save our marriage.

Now, while maybe the pregnancy thing is not correct- what is he doing meeting up with girls. Why has she got his details.

I have asked her to explain to me what happened e.g. how she met him, how she knows him, what happened but her responses don't answer my questions. She just keeps saying "Don't freak out, please let me tell you the whole story" and "he loves you really"

I feel quite detached. As if theres some sort of drama going on that Im not really part of.

Any idea what I should do?

OP posts:
bourbonbabs · 09/07/2018 08:10

He's sad that he's been caught and the implications of that!

Remember this was premeditated, a planned deceit.

This kids, yes it's not fair that their financial/school social position might change. I really tried to do the whole keeping it calm, sacrificing myself, swallowing my hurt, to keep things the same for my kids. It made us all miserable. That nice house turned into emotionally and practically, a gilded cage.

What else might happen, is that in 5 years time you are loving someone who doesn't treat you like this. The kids are doing well at school because they have a happy home life. They have experienced how life can be and they understand innately that they CAN be brave, they can achieve, and the importance of doing so.

LTB.

supersop60 · 09/07/2018 18:32

Just as a side point re crackpot OW - my dsis received a letter from her Dh's OW along the lines of "Your H is unhappy, I've had a lot of unhappiness in my life, so can I have your H?"
Stay strong OP.

TorviBrightspear · 09/07/2018 19:26

I'm afraid to say she is probably one of many that he has used Tinder to hook up while away.

I'd be getting myself down the sexual health clinic pronto as he clearly is not using any protection. He's put you at massive risk of contracting diseases.

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but I do agree with this comment^^

clippityclock · 09/07/2018 20:27

Don't feel sorry for him, he's been fucking around behind your back and using Tinder to do this! He deserves no sympathy. He willingly chose to do what he has done and would have willingly carried on but he's been caught.

He's shown you no sympathy for doing this at all, he's shown you and your children no respect by doing this. He has had sex with strangers possibly putting you at risk of HIV along with many others. He most certainly does not deserve your sympathy. He deserves your contempt!

He's being manipulative and will soon start telling you how it was all your fault. He is doing everything to try and keep his cushy homelife, where he not only has his hook ups inflating his ego but his family at home. He's a total arsehole and don't be fooled by his charm.

Nofilter · 09/07/2018 20:36

He's trying to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him! Get angry - he is aware he is doing this, and think he can win you over. Can you imagine if this was a partner of your DCs and you were watching them try and treat them like crap?

Stay strong Brew

supersop60 · 12/07/2018 11:57

How are you doing, OP?

thebird93 · 12/07/2018 14:09

Sadly I have first hand experience of this, husband working away having too much fun.. eventually the OW got vindictive and told all. What unfolded was the stuff books are made of! I know this feeling of despair well and it's horrid. My wonderful husband was living a double life I knew nothing about, 6 months on I'm broken.. financially tied to a liar and a cheat. Be strong for you and your children, this is far more common than you think. Wedding ring comes off and the lies just keep coming just to get their end away. Why they choose to risk everything is beyond me, but away from home out of sight it seems this is the norm. Big hugs xx

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 17/07/2018 21:51

Hello again, sorry I didn't respond sooner. My DS1 had a non serious surgery and I was putting all my attention into that. Now he's home and well I've had 2 glasses of wine and Im either on the brink of tears or rage. I hate this.

From what I read, other peoples experiences say that he is truly a cheat and there is no fixing it. I'm inclined to agree. I wish he would tell the truth. Then we could actually get somewhere, but Im sure he never will.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 17/07/2018 21:53

Im so grateful for all the support recieved and its made me determined to be more supportive to others in the future. Thank you all so much.

OP posts:
Sisterlove · 18/07/2018 00:25

So what else has he said? Or is he continuing to deny?

sunsunsunsunsun · 18/07/2018 06:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 18/07/2018 07:25

He isnt saying anything different. He just sends me many 'sorry' emails. No news really. Just shit.

OP posts:
notWORKzilla · 18/07/2018 08:25

Is he still working away?

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 18/07/2018 21:37

Yes notWorkzilla which he has to do or the bills don't get paid. And he likes to spend....

OP posts:
notWORKzilla · 18/07/2018 22:33

At least you don’t have to deal with him face to face for the moment x

BitOutOfPractice · 18/07/2018 23:13

I bet I know what he does and where he is...

BitOutOfPractice · 18/07/2018 23:13

Sorry, that sounded a bit sinister! I am only basing that on how many bells your thread has rung for me and my ex

jpclarke · 18/07/2018 23:18

Just wanted to send you virtual hugs, I don't have experience of what you are going through but just to say you sound like you are an amazing Mom and that prick doesn't deserve you.

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 19/07/2018 16:41

BitOutOfPractice go on, cheer me up. What do you think? If you get it right it will put a smile on my face.

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 19/07/2018 20:58

I'm so sorry, OP.

You sound very strong.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/07/2018 22:24

I've messaged you OP Wink

Petalflowers · 19/07/2018 22:34

I read the front page and jumped to the end, expecting the thread to have moved on, and the tester to be a trouble maker. Sorry to hear you are going through this.

thebird93 · 20/07/2018 09:40

@BitOutOfPractice I bet your spot on and it's the same place my dear husband did the same!

jhene · 27/07/2018 14:58

how you doing OP x

Limpingonthrough · 27/07/2018 20:08

Let me guess. He works in finance and works away in Hong Kong.

I just read the whole thread. OP I am finding you coming across as unbelievably strong. Your love for your kids really shines through and your wanting the best for them.

I am sending you huge positive vibes to stay strong and hold the line. You deserve better and you will get better than this. Although he hasn’t followed “the script” it’s be worth reading the post on it to be forearmed.

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