I've been messaged by an OW

[Bloodyfucksake]

I've name changed.
My husband works away. I normaly have no trust issues. I'm busy at home- I work and have 3 DC.
I was out for the day with the DC and had my phone on battery saving mode so couldnt see the internet. Once I'd gotten home and charged it a bit I could see there were messages on Messenger and Instagram from the same woman.

She said she wanted to tell me about my husband. That somethinf had happened and she felt as a woman and mother that she should let me know.

I replied asking her to give me more information. Anyway, we exchanged a few messages. She said that my husband got her pregnant and that she lost it.

I'm not sure what to make of this. He's been gone for 4 weeks, and I'm pretty sure the 1st week he was working intensively. I know after that he has had the opportunity to go out. So even if she met him 3 weeks ago- could she have gotten pregnant and lost it?

She keeps saysing things like 'Don't think I'm a bitch' and 'Please stop freaking out' , 'Please stop caĺling your husband and freaking out at him'.

But I'm not freaking out. I called my husband once. He said he did go out with colleagues and meet a group of girls. That this one girl has been messaging him and apparently saying she has been sent from God to save our marriage.

Now, while maybe the pregnancy thing is not correct- what is he doing meeting up with girls. Why has she got his details.

I have asked her to explain to me what happened e.g. how she met him, how she knows him, what happened but her responses don't answer my questions. She just keeps saying "Don't freak out, please let me tell you the whole story" and "he loves you really"

I feel quite detached. As if theres some sort of drama going on that Im not really part of.

Any idea what I should do?

Well I very nearly didn't get into Canada because my child does not have my surname. I had to show all sorts of shit and was interviewed for quite some time before they let me in.

I have also been questioned when going to France etc. I always carry the court order showing I have residency which means I can take my child out of the country for 28 days without permission from my twat of an ex. His birth certificate, my mortgage statement, my recent payslip, my bank statements, utility bills.

You only need travel consent if there's already a court order in place.. from memory during my divorce proceedings 25 years ago.
I am sure the scare mongerers haven't a clue.
We need a legal eagle on here.

Thanks everyone. He's sending me emails and I'm statting to crumble a bit. I know I shouldn't.

I'm actually scared of what I have to do. Im not scared of living without him, or looking after the kids alone or any of the day to day things. I'm scared of separating finances and then relying on him to stick to his word.

We currently live in a very affluent area with the DC in a good private school. I can't cover that on my salary alone. I hate the idea of him holding anything over me financially. I know by law they have to pay, but you hear about so many men being difficult about it. I can't deal with that. OK he isnt showing any signs of thay, but he wasnt showing any signs of being unfaithful either.

One idea I have is to move back to my home town where it is possible I could buy a house outright. But there are no good schools there - I went to a really rough high school where only a handful of us went on to uni and even then only 2 of us graduated. Fights, people messing about in every lesson, more than a handful of my classmates have spent time in prison. It is my absolute fear to put my kids through that. Especially when they have such a great school life now.
I'd also have to find a new job. Which makes me sad because I love my job here.

So with these thoughts and his bloody emails, I am feeling less strong today.

Any ideas how I can keep my self respect, keep my kids in their lovely school and not mess them up?

And down sizing house here is probably not a possibility but I will look into it.

There's no rush. Doesn't sound like moving is what you want really.

You are in some ways further along than most just cos you are used to doing it alone.

I'd start telling people in real life. Make appointments with the best lawyers you can find. Every lawyer you see is one he cannot use. Choose your lawyer. I saw 4. No 4 saw me through 9 years of legal shit from my ex.

Get applications like Evernote and Scannable so you can organize all your information for the lawyers etc and always have it to hand on every device you use.

Write 2 lists one of what you'd like ideally, give a copy to the lawyer. Eg to stay in the house until everyone's left education.

One with what you could accept. Eg stay in the house til youngest is 18.

Work out with lawyers how to nail it down financially so he can't play silly buggers. Work out times that he has kids. You will need time out from them so don't just think of now but think of 5 years from now.

Try and find some good counseling (that's hard) so you can off load. If they can help you get proactive with your recovery that is a good place to be. I saw an excellent psychiatrist for about 3 months. Life changing but he gave me a massive amount of homework.

Yes. Don't rush. Block / divert the emails to stop him messing with your head and give yourself time to breathe and think.

Take a breath. He's not even back yet. Your DC's have medical issues, it's nearly end of term.
Don't panic.
He's probably panicking a lot more than you are.
And if you correspond, stay calm if you can.
It's all about you and DC's from here on in

Thanks. Can anyone please send me a list of things I should be asking the lawyer for? I want the kids lives to be untouched as much as possible.

@bloodyfuckssake

It took me years to end my marriage.

XH cheated throughout. I found out more than once. He was also emotionally abusive. I had many reasons to leave. I just wasn’t strong enough.

When I did, when I had my ducks in a row and was secure, it was the easiest thing in the world.

Sometimes, although you know what you have to do, you need to build the strength to do it.

I would strongly recommend some counselling. One time I used Relate for some individual phone counselling (I needed to talk to someone immediately). and that got me through that day. Since the. I found someone through the counselling directory. She helped me see clearly and keep my boundaries firm.

Take a breath. Start to look at the finances.

My XH, for all all the pain and hurt he caused, does pay. We stayed in the family home and my children are ok. We’re out the other side. It is ok (I’m much, much happier).

It’s entiremy do-able. I know it’s massive and daunting, but nothing has to happen yet. Start to plan, give yourself time. You’ve had a shock and been hurt terribly.

A good solicitor will guide you through. Choose someone you feel safe with.

In my case we can stay in the family home until youngest is 21 (I wanted 25) and it’s a 70:30 split. I have a chunk of his pension. He pays child maintenance and some spousal (quite uncommon these days). I was a SAHM so all that was accounted for.

We worked with a mediator which formed the basis for the solicitor to do a Cormier order. We only discussed our divorce in the solicitors/mediators Office. Never at home.

I'm so sorry to hear he's done this to you
Slept in single beds my arse!!!

The solicitors free half hour is not a service to the community, it's a marketing thing, a chance for them to sell their services to you.

It can be very useful for you to get an idea of how things work, but also, don't feel bad about visiting, say, 2 or 3 to see who like best. You'll be giving them a large sum of money so it's perfectly fine to "try before you buy".

What's he saying in the emails ?
Admissions?
Apologies?

Solicitors go on seminars to learn how to do 30 min freebies without giving away advice.

They also make efforts to ensure 30 minute freebiès don't block them from acting for the other side. There was a case recently where a wealthy H had trawled round all the fancy London firms to block his wife using them. When one of them then accepted his wife he tried to get them banned from the case. He failed.

Please don't think it's an advantage to force your ex to use someone rubbish. Nothing inflates litigation costs like a numpty on the other side.

FFs. Cormier order? That would be court order. Sorry.

I see the 'psycho, jealous, delusional woman' brigade were out in full effect again; when will you ever learn that's so minute a number so as to be pointless raising.

The number of cheating men will always outnumber the number of psycho, jealous, delusional women who make up stuff about random men by about a million to one.

Why do I think these posters are the type who'd believe their husband if they told them this rubbish.

Can anyone please send me a list of things I should be asking the lawyer for? I want the kids lives to be untouched as much as possible.

At some point you might want to consider whether it's feasible to opt for mediation to reduce the legal costs.

Continuation of funding for education for DC - agreeing on schools, any funding for university etc. (this last might need to be quite lengthy if a professional degree is involved).
Continuation in house. Argue as PP's advise for as long as practical.
Provision for additional health care needs for you and DC if necessary. (E.g., if you've got private health care, continuation of policy.)
Co-parenting arrangements.
Pension, other investments and assets etc.

Legal Ombudsman Guidance

[http://www.divorceaid.co.uk/legal/choose-solicitor.htm Divorce Aid Guide]]

Decent overview from Daily Mail

I'm going to mention again that you might need a discussion about the house if your DH is not with you on the holiday and has access to it unless there is an order/agreement in place. (Things can get nasty about documents being acquired legitimately and not, never mind the issue about who gets to be resident there.)
---
I was partway through thinking I should Google Cormier order until I read AnnUndertheFryingPan's correction.

Try the Rights of women free legal advice website,
They have a ph number on their site.Op.

Other things to consider are staying put in the home and maybe
taking in a lodger or doing B&B to supplement whatever settlement
you get.
Good luck.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

Thinking of you OP xxx

My main bit of advice at this point would be to get the ball rolling quickly on the house etc while he's feeling maximum guilt.

Agree you need to get lawyered up.

He will have to pay maintenance. I think it's 20% of his net pay as a minimum but solicitor will advise. Also, get info on pensions/savings/shares.

Please tell a friend in RL. You need support at a time like this

I'm so sorry op. I really thought at the start of this that it was just some nuts woman and there would be nothing in it.

Do not leave the damn house. Until you're sure you want to live elsewhere. The legal onus is on him to keep the status quo for the kids. Good luck

Thanks everyone. I told some real life freinds. One was amazingly knowledgeable re documents and stuff so I will do it on Monday.

I thought he would stay here while I was on holiday with the kids and he would pet sit. Your responses, and that of my most knowledgable friend lead me to believe this is a bad idea.

She thinks he will get comfortable in the house. That I will be in a weaker position coming back when he has been there for 2 weeks.

So what the fuck do I do with him? He doesn't have anywhere to go that wouldn't cost money, and this is our fucking holiday month.

Also, we have an adjoining flat that our families stay in when they visit. I thought he could stay there until he finds somewhere else. Is this a bad idea? Really it will take a couple of months to sort the money.

He is full of the sorries right now but Im sure it will soon be my fault that he cheated.

The OW has left me messages and voice clips constantly for 48 hours. She is really a mess and is very self absorbed. I didn't block initially as I thought any info might be good for court, but I think she got sucked into it and was getting a bit obssessed. She even started talking about one of my DC. So I have blocked her now.

It’s good you have blocked her if she’s getting too invested

I think the flat is a bad idea if he has access to the main house via it. He could do stuff like go through your papers

I’d consider changing the locks

Another vote for changing the locks. Then he can stay in the granny flat without access to the main house.
And unless you held a gun to his head and forced him to download tinder and put it about, it's in no way your fault.
Ultimately it's not really your problem where he stays. Maybe one of his little tinder friends can help.