I've been messaged by an OW

[Bloodyfucksake]

I've name changed.
My husband works away. I normaly have no trust issues. I'm busy at home- I work and have 3 DC.
I was out for the day with the DC and had my phone on battery saving mode so couldnt see the internet. Once I'd gotten home and charged it a bit I could see there were messages on Messenger and Instagram from the same woman.

She said she wanted to tell me about my husband. That somethinf had happened and she felt as a woman and mother that she should let me know.

I replied asking her to give me more information. Anyway, we exchanged a few messages. She said that my husband got her pregnant and that she lost it.

I'm not sure what to make of this. He's been gone for 4 weeks, and I'm pretty sure the 1st week he was working intensively. I know after that he has had the opportunity to go out. So even if she met him 3 weeks ago- could she have gotten pregnant and lost it?

She keeps saysing things like 'Don't think I'm a bitch' and 'Please stop freaking out' , 'Please stop caĺling your husband and freaking out at him'.

But I'm not freaking out. I called my husband once. He said he did go out with colleagues and meet a group of girls. That this one girl has been messaging him and apparently saying she has been sent from God to save our marriage.

Now, while maybe the pregnancy thing is not correct- what is he doing meeting up with girls. Why has she got his details.

I have asked her to explain to me what happened e.g. how she met him, how she knows him, what happened but her responses don't answer my questions. She just keeps saying "Don't freak out, please let me tell you the whole story" and "he loves you really"

I feel quite detached. As if theres some sort of drama going on that Im not really part of.

Any idea what I should do?

Sorry you are going through this OP, I had this last year also. So hard and hurtful

What an awful thing to happen, I really feel for you, you're probably I shock and need time to proccess this new information before you can think about what happens next.

I don't think you should say anything to DC just now. I think you need to sleep on all of this. Have you spoken to DH or he has just admitted all this via text/email? You need to have a conversation telling him that your marriage is over (if that is indeed what you want) and how he sees things going forward regarding separation etc. I wouldn't focus too much on the holiday right at this moment.

I'm so sorry.

The chance of him being on Tinder and only dating one woman is very, very unlikely given the freedom he has.

The chance of him dating one person who then contacts his wife is statistically very, very unlikely, too.

I couldn't go on holiday with him. Is he needed for anything like driving, that would make it very difficult to go without him? If so is there someone who could take his place?

Thanks everyone for the travel info. Due to me being the sole carer for 6 months of the year, I have all the paperwork and written permission from him to travel with the DC. They have his name on their passports you see so I made sure to have everything just in case.

I have to look at the money tonight. That wont be fun. Suddenly he doesn't seem that reliable.

There’s some wise advise on here and worth listening too. I think you have to go on facts. He’s admitted he’s dated other woman, been on Tinder etc. For me (and it’s happened to me) that would be enough to walk away. Catch your breath a couple days before doing anything. Ask this woman to now stop the contact you don’t need to hear her crap how she’s feeling is not your problem. I’d hold off telling your children anything yet until you know what your telling them. Do as others have said get your ducks in a row and I wish you the very best as I do know how this feels and I promise you will be ok

Of course you can travel without written consent I've done it many times in any case It's unlikely he will have time to secure a court order. Don't tell him op. Hide his ticket. Does he know the flight details?
I am so very sorry op.

You will get through this OP. It will be ok.

If you are sole carer for six months, does this mean for six months of the year he's away from home?

Yes, for 6 months of the year he travels and works. Not 6 momths continuously but spread out over the year. So during this time I do everything. So to be honest I know Im set up to be without him anyway. And he clearly does what he likes.

I'm so sorry. As others have said, get your ducks in a row. Take control, before he does. He's still thinking you can be lied to/sweet talked round, although why, I don't know. Why do they bother lying and cheating? If they want to go off with other people, why don't they just leave and do it? Why keep us around, thinking everything is fine? Cowards.

I'm pleased that's not an issue about the travel OP great news... he can't prevent you from doing anything or get nasty/blackmail you emotionally etc. or disrupt your DC's any more than they are going to be. One less thing to worry about. I'd use the next few weeks wisely getting every scrap of financial stuff together.

In a way, great he's not here. Although I agree with another poster that he should have been on the next flight home.

You sound strong. You can do this. Thinking of you.

What an absolute cunt, so sorry you're dealing with this.

I feel quite sorry for the other lady too, he obviously fed her a pack of lies too. He is a contemptible arsehole.

So sorry, what a nightmare you've had dumped in your lap, OP.
You live with someone for most of your adult life then - when, a
bombshells dropped and you begin to realise you never knew them really.

While you were being the dutiful wife and mother he was living another life - a secret. The sly bastard didn't account for being dropped in it
so he's gone no comms while he thinks of a way to talk himself out of the shitstorm. The sly bastard has made himself redundant as husband and twat gigolo in one fell swoop. Good.

You won't think so yet OP but you'll come out the other side a stronger savvier woman. In the meantime keep going, keep putting one foot in front of the other and smiling for the kid's sake as much as anything.

I don't have any advice but I have gin

Sorry he turned out to be such a lying twat.

Oh bollox. I'm sorry lass.

What a wanker, hugs 8 wouldn't be able to holiday with him, I'd tell the kids he's been delayed at work so can't make it. The kids will still have great fun on holiday. He doesn't get to have affair/s and date people while away for work then come to play happy families. I'd have to think this wasn't the first time either, he's a complete twat to treat you this way.

Make sure you get all your ducks together so you can start life without him in it, take a few days for the shock to settle then get planning

If he's away for so much of the year, it's unlikely this was a one time thing or the first time, especially if he's on Tinder.

I echo the others who suggested going to a local clinic to get tested for STI's etc.

What an awful, awful man. You deserve so much more.

I'm sorry too that you've had such shocking news dropped on you. It does sound like the ow has been crapped on too and that's why she's letting you know. Take one step at a time and focus on your dcs. That's what I did after my split from my ex... your dcs will keep you strong, my ds did.

With regard to the travel comments I'm assuming as you're married you have the same surnames as your dcs - no problem.

I've just applied to renew my ds's passport and did the check and send at the post office so their staff check everything and docs required. Importantly there's a court order in place for my ds (child arrangement order for contact) and I have different surname to my ds.

I have taken the step to have a 'holiday consent form' signed by my ex (googled a template) but have done that mainly as we have different surnames.

If your ex were to try stop you taking them out of the country he could apply to the court on an emergency basis and put prohibited steps in place on an order.

I don't know your ex but he'd have to be pretty upset to go to those lengths.

Be kind to yourself as you've done nothing wrong here

I think it's cruel to call this other woman batshit etc. She thought she was dating/sleeping with a divorced man. She is giving as much information as she can so the OP believes her. If she skimped on the details, she likely wouldn't be believed.

To the OP: I can only echo what everyone else has said. He's an absolute a-hole and what are the odds the first time he plays away he is caught out? I wouldn't believe a word he says. The single bed thing is ridiculous. Why would anyone believe that?

She could be completely unhinged and have got his details from his business card then internet stalked him... just saying. Good luck sorting it out.

Blue have you read the thread? Which bit makes her seem crazy to you?

She could be completely unhinged and have got his details from his business card then internet stalked him... just saying.

Yeah, that’ll be it. He admitted to sharing a hotel room with her but it’s fine because she’s probably just a crazy stalker.

Jesus people, RTFT!

There's a lot of misinformation on this thread about travelling alone with children.

In theory, everyone with PR needs to consent to a child leaving the country. In reality, they don't.

Children may be subject to a care order so the local authority shares PR. Or they may have special guardians who also share it. Or a 3rd parent or step parent who shares it. Or they may have only their mother who has it; or their 2nd parent could be deceased.

There is NO WAY for border checks to account for every single child travelling in and out of the country and checking whether everyone with PR has given consent for them to travel. Consent is assumed unless they receive official notice that it isn't.

This is not 'one call to immigration' - how organised do you think 'immigration' is? This is an official notice (from the court, police or social services) that a child can't leave the country. Not a phone call.

It's also nothing to do with surnames, as surnames have nothing to do with PR. You will find increasingly that if you don't share a surname with your child you will have to show a copy of the birth certificate to show you are related but that's a completely separate issue.