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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been messaged by an OW

352 replies

Bloodyfucksake · 05/07/2018 03:06

I've name changed.
My husband works away. I normaly have no trust issues. I'm busy at home- I work and have 3 DC.
I was out for the day with the DC and had my phone on battery saving mode so couldnt see the internet. Once I'd gotten home and charged it a bit I could see there were messages on Messenger and Instagram from the same woman.

She said she wanted to tell me about my husband. That somethinf had happened and she felt as a woman and mother that she should let me know.

I replied asking her to give me more information. Anyway, we exchanged a few messages. She said that my husband got her pregnant and that she lost it.

I'm not sure what to make of this. He's been gone for 4 weeks, and I'm pretty sure the 1st week he was working intensively. I know after that he has had the opportunity to go out. So even if she met him 3 weeks ago- could she have gotten pregnant and lost it?

She keeps saysing things like 'Don't think I'm a bitch' and 'Please stop freaking out' , 'Please stop caĺling your husband and freaking out at him'.

But I'm not freaking out. I called my husband once. He said he did go out with colleagues and meet a group of girls. That this one girl has been messaging him and apparently saying she has been sent from God to save our marriage.

Now, while maybe the pregnancy thing is not correct- what is he doing meeting up with girls. Why has she got his details.

I have asked her to explain to me what happened e.g. how she met him, how she knows him, what happened but her responses don't answer my questions. She just keeps saying "Don't freak out, please let me tell you the whole story" and "he loves you really"

I feel quite detached. As if theres some sort of drama going on that Im not really part of.

Any idea what I should do?

OP posts:
Nofilter · 07/07/2018 21:33

So sorry OP. You will get through this love xx

Blueeyes28 · 07/07/2018 21:39

Hope your ok xx

kidsneedfathers · 08/07/2018 08:33

bloodyf trust me he did not want to put you through this. In his twisted mind he is doing no wrong. I am just explaining his behavior NOT justifying it. In his mind this is just sex when he can't make love to you...like if he masturbates on his own..of course it is quite repulsive...for him it might even kind of prep talk before his business...in his mind you and the kids have a special strong meaning (the anchor and raisin d'etre of his life)...you you are discovering his dark and fractured side. ..it is not what you married. It is beyond comprehension. It is shattering : wrong all what you thought about his life when you are on your own dealibg with the kid /house etc and you might have been drawing strength from that wrong thought...you have now to rethink everything the past and present and future...however best in mind that his intention was not to hurt you...imho the best -financially speaking - is not to do any unilateral action and NOT to raise his aggressivity. As other ladies ruining him or harming him is harming your kids:it is their dad...in fact i would add that the best is not to LTB yet...you know better than us all the variables (heart/mind/money etc) give yourself time to mourn the marriage you though you had and then take action in the most civilised way... (use mediators to split the finances/parenting etc ...) Good Luck...I hope you do stuff that distract you. ..

NotTakenUsername · 08/07/2018 09:01

Oh op. Flowers
It’s all stages. Now you have to be strong and don’t let him worm his way out of this without meeting his responsibilities.

crimsonlake · 08/07/2018 10:54

When you first find out your first instinct is blind panic and to rush off to the solicitor, I have been there. However this is a very long road ahead and you will not be ready to make any financial decisions as your emotions are all over the place. My advice would be to take your time over and try to get over the shock first and look after yourself.
Post on the Wikivorce government funded divorce website for advice, they helped me hugely with my divorce and I went on to represent myself through court 7 times over the course of a few years with a great deal of help and support from them.
Whilst he is away I would concentrate on gathering up all financial documents you can lay your hands on, get in to any accounts you can , start playing detective and make several copies of each and hide them. Photocopy bank statements, business accounts and go back as far as you can. Gather your financial evidence before he has a chance to hide things. At the moment his mind will probably be preoccupied with how to worm his way out of this so get him on the back foot and discover all you can whilst you can. Once he realises you may be heading for divorce he may start hiding things and changing passwords etc.
Fear of the future is terrifying, but do not let that stop you doing what is right for you and your children. Yes things will change, but usually slowly and you will probably come out of this with more than you expected. 50/50 is a starting point....and yes you may have to eventually downsize but it is lucky you have your own income also.
As to changing the locks, if he is joint owner you legally cannot do that, although I did once he had left. He was not happy and threatened me with the police, however it is a civil matter and the police will not become involved with that. He would have to take you to court, although I understand he equally would have the right to break in and change them back as he also owns the property as well.
Try to tell the children as little as possible, it will all come out in the end.
The people to really help you with advice are the people who have been through this themselves.

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 08/07/2018 11:31

Thank you for all this very practical advice. I just can't believe he would do this. I know I keep coming on here and saying the same thing but I cannot understand it. These are not small lies and he was supposed to love me /us.
I will start making a move on Tuesday. Look through things. For now Im having a good time with the kids and acting happy. It seems my husband is not the only one with amazing acting skills.

OP posts:
Ophelialovescats · 08/07/2018 13:00

Are you communicating with your H ?

kidsneedfathers · 08/07/2018 13:05

Please feel free to come and repeat you can't believe this...we know how you feel...he did the unspeakable. ..I am many years post discloses date and I still can't believe it...you know it is like cancer: we cant comprehend it , all we can do is to try to stop it from spreading and contaminating other cells...enjoy your kids-say yes to your pain your puzzlement etc we are here to hear you ...hugs and kisses

callywags · 08/07/2018 13:46

You must be so shocked. I hope you are taking care of yourself x

Emus · 08/07/2018 16:35

Surely you're husband should be making arrangements to get home immediately? Compassionate leave if he's in a job where leaving now is not an option?

Thanks for you OP.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 08/07/2018 17:44

I’m sorry OP. It needs a while to sink in. Your DCs will be fine for now. You can take your time. When is he due back? Is he making any arrangements? I’m wondering what his response to this is?

Be kind to yourself. Take your time.

lapenguin · 08/07/2018 18:12

Did he think saying they just went on dates was still a good thing to say?
Well done for having the strength to move on from him. Get all the advice you can and enjoy your holiday without him!

lapenguin · 08/07/2018 18:12

Also good luck with your DCs health appointments

supersop60 · 08/07/2018 18:31

OP - so sorry this has happened to you.
My only advice is the same as others - play your cards close to your chest and don't let him know what you are planning. You can say how upset, hurt and angry you are, but nothing else.
Re locks - if you are joint owners of the house, you can't legally change the locks and keep him out.

ShootingQuadrantids · 08/07/2018 20:12

ThanksWinestay strong OP X

arranfan · 08/07/2018 20:23

OP wrote: I cannot understand it. These are not small lies and he was supposed to love me /us.

And ruminating on this sort of thing can keep us so off-kilter that we're unprepared for the next betrayal/heap of wretchedness.

It's not something that can be understood. So much easier written than done, but, OP, there is nothing rational here - no explanation that would make it OK. And, if you're the sort of person who couldn't even think of telling these lies then nothing can ever make sense of it.

Good luck with your document gathering etc. - get the originals of anything that might even be vaguely relevant, copy them, but keep the originals.

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 08/07/2018 22:40

The husband is apologising constantly, saying the right things, and I feel so bad for him. He sounds pathetic. I feel worse for him than I do for myself in some ways.

I can't go back. Even if I made myself believe his version of events, I can't pretend its all ok. He can't slot back into our lives. When I read his sad emails, I know how bad he feels.But if he came here, eventually he wouldn't be remorseful anymore and my hatred would push me too far.

He says all the right things now but it won't last long. I would be expected to get over it eventually and I don't think thats possible.

We could have been so happy.

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 08/07/2018 22:47

We could have been so happy.

No....not with him as he is. You have nothing to regret.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 08/07/2018 22:48

Oh God as soon as I hit post I realised that sounded wrong. I don't mean you have no right to be unhappy. I meant that you have done nothing to regret, that none of this is your doing, that this is who your husband is and he cannot make you happy. I didn't mean to trivialise your pain and I'm sorry if it sounded that way.

Tara12 · 08/07/2018 22:53

Of course she must have been mad to consider that a pregnancy! Also she sounds like a loony. So basically, your OH is having sex with a nutcase with delusions of grandeur.No, basically she is trying to break your marriage up, not save it and your husband is a total waster.
You have my total sympathy, believe me, it sounds familiar.

Original poster
Bloodyfucksake · 08/07/2018 23:09

Tara there was one night when I found it very funny that he happened to chose someone so 'dramatic' . I felt sorry for her until she started trying to mention my DC in her endless messages. She really needs help, but then so does he.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/07/2018 03:16

When I read his sad emails, I know how bad he feels

He really only feels bad that you found out.

He would have come home acting as normal if you didn't know about it.

He had unprotected sex with a virtual stranger...with no regard for your sexual health.

Then he tells you a pack of lies...basically insulting your intelligence.

He did this because he wanted to and thought he could get away with it....as he probably has been doing for a while.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 09/07/2018 06:17

OP, it is a process of grieving.
These are the stages.

You are in stage one: Denial.
Your feelings are completely normal. Millions of people ( unfortunately) have been through it, and you will come through the other side.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 09/07/2018 07:00

I hear you OP.

My XH asked me ‘aren’t you over it yet?’ No, and I never would have been whilst I was still married to him.

(I am now)

Ophelialovescats · 09/07/2018 07:17

The ow my H was involved with (he did not leave me for her ...we tried to make the marriage work but split up two years later) sent me a message via him saying , tell your wife I 'll be a good stepmother to the girls '. .. !!