I've been messaged by an OW

[Bloodyfucksake]

I've name changed.
My husband works away. I normaly have no trust issues. I'm busy at home- I work and have 3 DC.
I was out for the day with the DC and had my phone on battery saving mode so couldnt see the internet. Once I'd gotten home and charged it a bit I could see there were messages on Messenger and Instagram from the same woman.

She said she wanted to tell me about my husband. That somethinf had happened and she felt as a woman and mother that she should let me know.

I replied asking her to give me more information. Anyway, we exchanged a few messages. She said that my husband got her pregnant and that she lost it.

I'm not sure what to make of this. He's been gone for 4 weeks, and I'm pretty sure the 1st week he was working intensively. I know after that he has had the opportunity to go out. So even if she met him 3 weeks ago- could she have gotten pregnant and lost it?

She keeps saysing things like 'Don't think I'm a bitch' and 'Please stop freaking out' , 'Please stop caĺling your husband and freaking out at him'.

But I'm not freaking out. I called my husband once. He said he did go out with colleagues and meet a group of girls. That this one girl has been messaging him and apparently saying she has been sent from God to save our marriage.

Now, while maybe the pregnancy thing is not correct- what is he doing meeting up with girls. Why has she got his details.

I have asked her to explain to me what happened e.g. how she met him, how she knows him, what happened but her responses don't answer my questions. She just keeps saying "Don't freak out, please let me tell you the whole story" and "he loves you really"

I feel quite detached. As if theres some sort of drama going on that Im not really part of.

Any idea what I should do?

It's not legal to change the locks is it?

I take it the house is solely yours?
Otherwise he doesn’t have to leave?

Changing the locks is fine, you can make something up and hand him a key in two weeks when you are back. He can’t have legally done anything to you for it in that time even if you can’t legally change them on him. and if he breaks in there’s not much you can do either way?

You shouldn't be worrying about where he'll be staying, he's managed to find places to hook up with other women, he'll manage to find somewhere while you're all on holiday.

Talking about your DC is crossing the line

Ow knows a lot about your family

If the OW knows and identifies that much with your children he didn't meet her four weeks ago.

I have been on this thread from the start and it's getting deeper.
Ow knows far too much to have been a short mistake.
OP dig deeper. But stay quiet.
Even call her under the pretence that you are hysterical and gather as much information as you can.
She may be a colleague of DH.

Morning. She's definatly a new OW as he was only sent to this new destination 4 weeks ago. I think theyve been talking / meeting up constantly though.
User1101 from reading the thread you know the house is not soley mine.
Also, I understand the sentiment of posters saying I shouldn't care where he goes but if he spends a lot of family money on accomodation I do bloody care. Why should my kids go without?

While it might not be legal to change the locks, do you think I can add locks between the adjoining flat and the main house? And maybe on my bedroom?

Can I suggest you decide re locks after seeing the solicitor? I get it's something you can be decisive on and take control over now, (hugely important when probably everything else feels so shaky) but it's minor compared to other decisions. And once you start locking him out, I'd expect him to start fighting back. Personally I'd suggest speak to the solicitor, get a view on the bigger picture, long term finances and then start making decisions.

I think you might have to let it go if he spends money on somewhere to stay.

If you separate/divorce, he's going to have to spend money to stay somewhere, and he's been paying for hotels anyway. Your children won't be going without. You say you're in an affluent area, they go to private schools and are going on a nice holiday. They'll be fine.

I know you don't want him spending money, but it'll be better for you if he's not under your roof and doesn't have constant access to you and the children.

Do you know for sure he was only sent there for the first time four weeks ago? He's clearly a liar, it could have been before these past four weeks.

Could you secretly store all documents and laptops and evidence at a friends or family member’s house while you go on holiday?

When does he next go away with work?

Don’t let him see that you are strong and proactive. Make him think you are simply broken and weak, and in total shock. Let him believe he might be able to fix this, not by saying so explicitly but just be very quiet sad and withdrawn.

He is likely so arrogant that he will believe he can indeed fix this and so he won’t start playing silly buggers or getting his ducks in a row.

Good advice Nottaken
Got to play the game until you can get ducks in a row, don't poke the bear yet
By doing this you stay in control, with the upper hand

It is good you are focussing on fonances and on minimizing the impact of the Adair on the kids future. IMHO like in all wars intelligence and element of surprise are great. So
1- gather as many doc as possible on his financial sources of income-the judges do take into account all circumstances; they have a lot of flexibility within the laws prescriptions and they do give great weight to the kids welfare
2-element of surprise : please refrain from changing locks or taking any action that will raise in him suspicion that you plan to go on an all out war on finances. If he makes money that means that he knows well to fight on that front. Don't raise his aggressivity on that front as at now-untilyou gathered all info and docs first, and until you have a final plan of action. I understand that you don't trust him.anymore and you think that he might have already taken steps to worsen your financial situation. However people are strange creatures sometimes. He might even be thinking that it is ok for him to have a bit on the side because he does his best for your financial well being. For some sex is nothing (masturabation with s.o. else) with no consequence as long as the making of money which requires their full energy is done for their legit wife and kids.
So in order to get the max guarantee now regarding your finances try to refrain from letting him know that you plan to be aggressive on thar aspect.
Stay strong. Your kids have the best they can get: you. The court will definitely acknowledge that YOU are the one who made it possible for him to make money by freeing him.from the quotidian burden of caring for the house/s and kids-and they will split accordingly the finances between you. The court will also make sure that the kids situation (their schooling-present and future uni etc) remains unchanged ..

He might even be thinking that it is ok for him to have a bit on the side because he does his best for your financial well being. For some sex is nothing (masturabation with s.o. else) with no consequence as long as the making of money which requires their full energy is done for their legit wife and kids.

This is disgusting but I absolutely agree there is a type of man who would absolutely think in this way. And justify this kind of behaviour as such.

I'm so sorry for you op. I went through similar (my husband works abroad 9months a year). He cheated multiple times and I stayed because I'm an absolute wimp. 12 years later and I wish I'd left. I now look for reasons to leave. I hate it now. He lives his life like he's done nothing wrong. He's not sorry at all.

What a piece of filth he is. Take him for everything op. Ruin him.

Don’t ruin the father of your children. 🤦‍♀️

Secure what is rightfully yours, secure a future for the children, secure some sessions with a really good counselling service and move on.

Don’t put an ounce of energy into ruining him - use every ounce of strength you have to rebuild a happy life for you and the children.

He has ruined himself, but don’t lift a finger to make it worse unless that is a byproduct of you getting what you and the children are rightfully entitled to.

He is an imposter.

It’s all a process OP. Many of us have to share the space with our XHs for a while. In my case, I did the flat hunting for and with him. As far as the children were concerned I was helping him and it was all very civil and grown up. (The truth was it was the fastest way to get rid, and make sure they weren’t visiting him in a hovel).

He worked away a lot. We stayed in the house. There was little transition. I do think it was the best possible way for the children.

It wasn’t without its moments of burning anger and hurt, don’t get me wrong.

Go on holiday without him but don't make him aware that it's over. Tell him you just want some breathing space because you are hurt, but when you get back you will work on things. Don't give him time in the house without you to build his strength, if he thinks he has got away with this you will be in a better position after the holiday. Sometimes staying quiet while you plan and work away in the background is the best way.

Sorry you are going through ( I had a cheating ex too) . Have read a few pages at beginning & last couple.
Loads of good advice.
A couple of things I would add are do not block the other woman. Any information she gives you could be useful in your divorce. Suggest you give your phone to a trusted friend and buy a new one with new number. Get friend to copy & paste only anything relevant from your ex which needs replying to.

I wouldn’t bother changing the locks (my ex took out a newly installed alarm system, then asked me to change the locks and then changed the locks again and I didn’t have keys.)

Just move all papers before you go on holiday. May be worth getting a professional inventory done. For the sake of the splitting of the assets, it is a good base point. Get it all photographed by an independent 3rd party.

For yourself, think about getting a therapist. There is a lot to unpack, when you are ready. Use mediators & then solicitors to sort out the details. This is where you need a cool business head. Therapists are where you cry and talk about the pain. Do not use business negotiations to sort out the emotional side of the situation

Im a mess. A real mess. My kids will be a mess too when they find out. I can't tell them the truth but they aren't stupid. How could he do this to them? Their poor hearts.

But thank you for the sensible information. I can't believe he would put us through this.

Hugs

I’m not surprised you’re a mess, your life has pretty much been chucked in a blender.

Massive unmumsnetty hugs