DH is an actor first and a father second.

[Spider]

I'll try to keep this brief. We've been arguing for over a week now and it's really taking its toll.

The history: Before we had kids my career had the edge on his because I had stability as well as money.

Then we had four kids in eight years and my work dropped right back to intermittent freelancing. I've always stepped in to fill the gap when his work is going badly. Over the past year I've been gradually weaving my way back into work.

Last week he was offered the lead in a play which would mean he'd be away for seven weeks. The money was so crap that we would actually make a loss (because he'd have to cancel work already booked) and I would not be able to book work which would be a significant setback in my employment strategy.

His argument .... 'It's a lead. I'm an actor. It's like Hamlet. You knew I was an actor when you married me. '

Anyway after big emotional scenes he decided not to do it but he was absolutely horrible to me. He was upset and hurt and so he said some really nasty stuff to me and had a primitive outburst involving waving a chair over his head and shouting whilst our children were in bed asleep. (One hopes!)

His agent 'phoned yesterday to say he has now been offered a TV job in Bradford (we live in Brighton) for 12 weeks. The pay is better, but not great. It's hardly art (daytime drama) but I can tell he has no intention of even discussing it this time and frankly nor have I. He was so horrible last time.

I'm in a no win situation. If I try to dissuade him he'll turn into the chair waving gorilla man again. So I'll let him go and prepare for me and the kids to suffer and intensely horrible 12 weeks. There is too much work here with four kids (3 of them boys) and only one parent. I know from experience. Also, all my hard work on my career will be lost and I'll be back to square one.

I'm honeslty not sure what to do. I'm not sure our marriage can survive this.

no yours was idle bint

woof bark

btw I don't think actors hae a get of of jail card so they can be hideous. BUT I don't really think you want to break this mariage up, so you will need to find a way to compromise. Now that may unfortuneatly mean more compromise on your side than his, but that is a choice only you can make.

I sacrificed the way I imagined my life turning out for dh, I gave up having the big house,nice cars (!) call me shallow!! a man to look after me and all that jazz for dh. BUT I couldn't have married anyone else even if at times it is shit. Actors are notoriously fucked up in many ways, I am lucky to be married to one who is only on antidepresants, rather than booze or drugs. I am lucky to have found one who is so bad at selling himself and lacks in self confidence so he doesn't push himself forward and thus doesn't get teh big parts But it has meant he is around more, also it has meant I have to put up with his ranting and raving when someone else gets the role he wants and when even the local theatre who he has worked with for years barely aknowledge his talent

I agree with re-looking into childcare options.

If you can only work when he is at home, surely this problem will keep occurring?

a mate of dhss does the shouty news of the world ones

btw - what is the general thought of understudying amopng you actors??

cant he like work in a pub rather than drinkign in one?

I'm not going to stand in his way. I feel better about it today. I almost feel perversely empowered as if, 'Yes, I'll make the compromise because I can. Watch me. See how I multi-task. Oh now GO! Walk out the door. ... blah blah .... I will survive. For as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive'

Crunchie you know what it's all about. It can be utterly shit living with such a wild card. Acting is like their mistress isn't it. There are some actors who I am destined to despise and deplore the work of because they've pipped dh to a potentially life changing job even though dh is clearly the better actor by 9,000 miles.
How much do you hate the phrase, 'I'm on pencil for that job'? then, 'I'm on heavy pencil'. They can go to several auditions and recalls then are left to gather for themselves that they didn't get the job because look, there it is on TV, and no-one has called yet. So rude.

But you're so right. I will sit down and see how we can work it out. I've got work gathering plans of my own which, if anything, have been fuelled by this.

Sobernow 'it's a ruthless business which trades on people's dreams'.
So true. Just to give a very literal example of this ....
DH went for an advert audition a couple of days ago. A string of talented, witty actos were seen over the day and the casting people and ad men got them to improvise scenes and make up jokes about the product. DH said they were laughing their heads off and saying, 'Oh wow! Well done. That's brilliant' but 90% of those 'brilliant' people won't get the work but there's nothing to stop the ad men from taking all their ideas.
It's interesting that you're the one mooring him in 'Straightsville Arizona'. I accuse my dh of doing that to me. I was the raver, the Reclaimer of Streets, at the road protests and underground parties and he was Mr-Let's-Head-For-The-Suburbs. He won that too come to think of it.

< Ponders whilst neatly folding the Waitrose bags. >

MI I think you're right. I will have to find childare will have to increase. I didn't know you were a journo too. I'm a hard news journalist in theory, but more of a broadcaster in an idea world.

Cod he sometimes works when not acting. He has sidelines but nothing which is predictable and he often finds he can't get enough work which is when I step in. Calif is right about waiting for the next big break. My DH is always having to let down other people (his sidelines employers) so people get more reluctant to employ someone who'll ditch them at the merest sniff of a good audition.
My dh is also in a very shouty ad at the moment as it goes.

Can't he just do The Bill?

Done it a few times Hunker. They only let actors do it every couple of years in case we the public recognise the murdering butcher from ep1 turning up as the genial social worker in ep 7.

My dh and I have been in progressive, if terse, discussions today. He wants it to be make clear that the chair was never actually held above his head as prevoiusly stated, and only ever raised to chin level.

I still say, 'Oooh ooooh ahh aahh'.

Can he intersperse it with Casualty then?

Sorry, I'm being flippant - you MAY have noticed...

LOL at confirmation of chair height.

I would be none too impressed at having to be the little wifey at home to sort out the childcare - not at the actual doing of it, but about the way he expects it to be perfectly fine he can waltz off to earn a pittance (or slightly more) without a backward glance or thought for how you'll be managing - and for your career.

I am surprised at some of the people who seem to think that You Support Your Man No Matter What on here though. I came over all Xenia at some of the posts earlier on the thread. What about your life? Why is his always the one that takes precedence?

And I don't go for the "but he's an actor, darling, you just wouldn't understand" line either. I think it's code for "he can be as selfish as he likes because he wears tights for a living" (not-to-detract-from-the-very-fine-work-many-actors-do-all-over-the-nation-in-a-they-make-me-proud-to-be-British-way).

Spider, I feel for you and think you have to look at your long term future and think about making changes. I don't mean divorce, I mean childcare. I think that's really important. You need to know you can have an independent life when your dh is not around - it is essential for your own state of mind IMO. It's not just a work thing, thought that is important.

Also I think it's terribly dangerous for your dh and you to accept you are there alone to pick up the pieces when he goes off.

I think paying for childcare comes before making home improvments unless your house is literally falling down. If your dh is cancelling a holiday, you cancel the scaffolding and use it for childcare.

I realise getting a childminder or nursery for several children can be very expensive and cancel out any money you earn. So what about getting and au pair or student help - preferably young, male and handsome just while you dh is away?

I also think your dh must be made to see that from your point of view, this 12 weeks is an indulgence that you are allowing him to follow. No you are not stopping him from working as you love him and will help him follow his dream. But it is also a luxury. It is doing nothing positive for the family or for you.

In your shoes I would be livid if my dh tried to persuade me that this type of work is actually a necessary and sensible choice all round and is justified for familiy reasons. Just as well I am not married to an actor. I have a good actor friend and his attitude to work irritates me enough - I can only take him in small doses.

I think your dh should recognise the sacrifice you are making and his priority now is to help pay for the childcare you have an absolute right to while he is away.

I know you say it is difficult getting odd work, but if possible he should be doing this, even if it means him working days and evenings for a few weeks stacking shelves to give you the money he owes you for childcare. And if that really is impractical, I think he should put some of his own stuff on ebay.

I think you need to take this issue of childcare very seriously because if you don't, neither will your dh. IMO childcare is a practical way out of this situation.

Spider, just wanted to let you know that I thought of you this morning as dh and I were talking about my dad.

He was an actor/playwright/English teacher/waiter and he left my mum when I was 4, my sister was 2 and my mum was pregnant with my youngest sister.

I loved him loads but I now look back and think he was utterly utterly irresponsible and selfish to walk away, which he partly did so that he could pursue acting/being famous/other women. He then had a great social life, acting life, the freedom to do whatever he wanted. And of course, we thought he was great because we only saw him every other weekend so he didn't have to do any of the responsible earning money stuff. He didn't want to do any of the family life domesticity, he was far too cerebral for that I feel for my mum.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that that#s partly why I'm in the pitchfork camp. I think my dad had no right to follow his dreams really.

I think that you were upset yesterday because he just announced the scenario: there was no discussion, no finding a solution together and no give-and-take. You were upset because you were only given the passive role of ?like it or lump it?.

You will feel better if you feel more in control of the situation. I am not one to shout ?dump him? at the drop of a hat but I suggest that you treat the 12 weeks as a trial separation. If you find that you can cope without him then you will feel stronger and able to be more assertive. Also (working on the Men Are From Mars rubber band principle) if he finds that the household hardly notices that he is gone then he might start to think more seriously about his role within it. He might realise that he needs to make more of a positive contribution to the family or he is in danger of being shown the door.

Learn to be dependent on friends & family and independent of him!

hunker I know I am in the well he's an actor what do you expect camp But I am actually living in that camp ATM DH is away 'following his dream' My dream, well that involves a 45 hr week at work, dropping the kids off at 7.30am and picking them up at 6.30pm (at the earliest) doing all the housework and the gardening, not forgetting during this period I have has 2 parties of 25 + people in the house, my mum is ill and my childminderhad had holiday

It has been shit, but it's coming to an end next weekend, and then I get 4 months (I hope) of dh doing all the childcare/housework (bar washing!!)4 months, inc the summer holidays of him and the kids having fun He has promised to take the whole summer holidays off for the first time ever

So we compromise and perhaps I do put his dreams first, but nothing in live is ever totally equal, don't try to bullshit me and say it is. Every partnership is a work in progress, and surely it is down to the couples themseleves. Spider needs to rant, sure her dreams are being put aside, but you pitchfork waving brigade are too quick to wade in sometimes, she needs to find a way to work this through, not walk away, would walking away and being a single mum to 4 kids mean her life would be better, that she could fulfil her dreams more?? I doubt it. It would mean her dh could be even more selfish and bugger off for as long as he wanted!!

How old are your children, spider? Your ability to be independent depends to some extent on their ages. For instance my 13 year old no longer needs much in the way of formal holiday childcare, but for my 7 year old it is a necessity.