DH is an actor first and a father second.

[Spider]

I'll try to keep this brief. We've been arguing for over a week now and it's really taking its toll.

The history: Before we had kids my career had the edge on his because I had stability as well as money.

Then we had four kids in eight years and my work dropped right back to intermittent freelancing. I've always stepped in to fill the gap when his work is going badly. Over the past year I've been gradually weaving my way back into work.

Last week he was offered the lead in a play which would mean he'd be away for seven weeks. The money was so crap that we would actually make a loss (because he'd have to cancel work already booked) and I would not be able to book work which would be a significant setback in my employment strategy.

His argument .... 'It's a lead. I'm an actor. It's like Hamlet. You knew I was an actor when you married me. '

Anyway after big emotional scenes he decided not to do it but he was absolutely horrible to me. He was upset and hurt and so he said some really nasty stuff to me and had a primitive outburst involving waving a chair over his head and shouting whilst our children were in bed asleep. (One hopes!)

His agent 'phoned yesterday to say he has now been offered a TV job in Bradford (we live in Brighton) for 12 weeks. The pay is better, but not great. It's hardly art (daytime drama) but I can tell he has no intention of even discussing it this time and frankly nor have I. He was so horrible last time.

I'm in a no win situation. If I try to dissuade him he'll turn into the chair waving gorilla man again. So I'll let him go and prepare for me and the kids to suffer and intensely horrible 12 weeks. There is too much work here with four kids (3 of them boys) and only one parent. I know from experience. Also, all my hard work on my career will be lost and I'll be back to square one.

I'm honeslty not sure what to do. I'm not sure our marriage can survive this.

I don't think he should be spending his evenings spending money on beer instead of SPENDING IT ON CHILDCARE SO YOU CAN WORK

I am in the pitchfork camp

yes true MP - (not the pitchfork)

=}---

Sobernow- I really don't agree. All the actors I know who work in the provences and small tv stuff would kill for voice over work

I'd be pissed off. I worked away for six months leaving dh on his own with 2 children BUT it was a JOINT decision and was a good thing financially and long term. It wasn't about career/what we wanted/art/ it was ALL about what was best for us as a family.

He's being a selfish arse but I don't know what to suggest. Leaving him with them for a week so he gets the gist? sorry you're in this situation.

Have only read yur OP btw.

Maybe you should tell him that if he wants to take these roles that he needs to do some proper work to get some money in the savings so you won't all starve while he is doing it.

my friend is married to someone in a band

great when they are not touring, crap when they are. Swanning off to LA to write whilst she juggles working, school run and general drudge

but that is who he is, so what can you do?

I think it is a big ask for him to give up something he loves BUT he does have to compromise and understand your loss too (re career)

if I were you, I would try and put a brave face on this one and then make sure you are unavailable when he gets back. bookmark the diary, let him take the strain on the childcare etc

tell him this is what Hollywood couples do, my film, your film

don't think it is worth splitting up for imo, but he needs to understand he can't just live his life without some sort of look at how it affects you

ppb that sounds great, OK who is going to emply my dh - only good miney so he can save it all, so about 12 weeks, whilst he does the school run oh and has the 6 weeks summer hols off please, and then buggers off to do panto???

Sorry It is not that easy.

DH does really well he has regular term time work which pays really well (£200 a week) for a friiday nightand saturday all day. BUT he cannot save much, that pays for his expenses (tax etc) petrol, mobile phone, pension, etc etc.

Having read the rest of the thread

a) I agree with Sobernow
b)I am in pitchfork camp too

I'm sorry no need to be snippity

Why don't you suggest,( as sweetly as you can through your gritted teeth ), that he takes 2 of the children with him...that sounds fair doesn't it ? Then you can just about muddle through both of you on the work front...

Hi spider,

My dh is an actor - resting most of the time :tbh I 'd be glad if he got some tour work, even if it meant losing money, just so he could do something he loved.

He has been SAHD for 3 years, and is about to embark on another 3 with our 2nd child.

I'm really lucky. I've got a job I like, kids that I always wanted and a dh I can laugh and love with.

He doesn't get to do the thing he loves at all - acting Altho' I get frustrated that he will not consider doing something else to earn money so that I cd cut down my hours, overall I am closer to my dream than he is.

I knew he was passionate about being an actor when I met him, part of the attraction was his commitment, so I really can't complain now.

He's always been supportive when I've hated previous jobs - don't do it, do what you want to do, we'll get by somehow. So I feel I shd do the same for him.

He's selfish because it matters so much to him. I think your dh is amazing for turning down work. it shouldn't just be expected, it shd be respected.

I don't know how it is with you, but I kind of persuaded my dh to have kids, he wasn't keen because of the insecurity and selfishness of his career choice. If he was really selfish he wouldn't be devoted to our kids and me the way he is.

www Pitchfork camp would be great BUT shje married him and now wants to change him??? can it be done, he is only a man

I married my man realisesing that I would always be the main breadwinner,, I could not and would not have given up my job even whilst haveing kids as it would have been stupid to do so. I do thin that spider is to blame in some ways, she chose to marry him and have 4 kids, and now realises sh eis stuffed. I chose my dh, realised we would NEVER EVER be able to rely on him, o had 2 kids and contined to work. My dream wa sto marry a rich man and never had to work, my 'career ideal' consisted of long gym sessions and lunches with teh girls. I don't get my dreams, but I made that choice when I walked up that aisle

I am sorry but in some ways I think some of you are being niave in thinking that you marry a man who has a dream and then having kids mean that he will give up that dream. Some do, but loads don't.

mozhe have you tried rehearsing in a strange town with 2 kids?? can't be done I'm afraid, what about shcools etc. I know you could hire a nanny, but bear in mind the min wage for an actor is approx £400 a week (and most are paid this amount) then it is a little tricky.

I would LOVE to be in the pitchfork camp, but I can't. Last summer I walked out of a well paid job that I hated, poor dh stressed so much, we both worked out if we got shifts in tesco we would suvive. WIthin 2 weeks we had 4 jobs between us

I now earn around £40 (up nearly £10k on last year) ina job I love and he has been doi ng some great work,

I do totally sympathise, but spider if you need practical help, just ask, dh will be resting from next week until panto season

What a fantastic thread. There's something for everyone in here and the balance tips just slightly in my favour. Perfect!

Crunchie you know what I'm saying. Except that your career is up and running and established so slightly different. He's a lucky man your DH.

Sobernow I'm a broadcaster (radio journo/presenter) and I used to do Voice Overs now and again when people asked. I still do occasionally and I've made a demo CD now and am in the process of trying to get an agent. As everyone's saying though, it's really, really hard to break into because it's money for old rope in the end.

I've never asked him to give up acting btw. Other people keep suggesting he goes into teaching for example and he hates it. All I want is respect and recognition of the domestic upheaval I'm having to mop up.

I don't want to change him Crunchie. He has changed. He is now a father of four. That changes you. It didn't change his own dad, sadly, which is why he and his brothers barely saw his dad (also a travelling actor) and didn't used to recognise him.

like I said tlpdwest at ntlworld dot com if you need me

Thanks. I may yet. The next 48 hours will be crucial.

Spider, eugh, horrible situation.
He is being selfish, but he sort of has to be, because as you know being an actor is a really awful job because you can't do it on your own. You have to wait for someone to ask you to do it. So it must be frustrating for him to wait and wait and wait and then be asked and then be expected to turn it down. Childcare for you is the answer. Otherwise you're going to resent him for something as simple as having a job, (and the resentment is understandable but not fair).

I'm married to a writer, so I do understand about living with this kind of selfishness (and my dh has to understand it about me too) but in the long run you have to let them do it and then bust a gut to get yourself out there, and INSIST they understand it about you too. You say 'okay go, but then when you're back it's going to be like this'.
Is that feasible do you think?

Just to clarify, spider, you are spidermama, aren't you? (sorry for hijack)

Ok I have been pondering and don't know if this is relevant to your situation at all

I have a friend whose dp is a lot like mine and she often gets very wound up by his negative qualities (being rather passive, quiet, not dynamic etc)

I can't say this has never bothered me about dp but the thing is, we did choose them, and the flip side is that we did so because we like easy-going, laidback men who will let us have our own way 90% of the time.

Does this hard to accept part of your dh's personality not have a facet which perhaps is one of the reasons that attracted you to him? For instance his drive and passion about the arts? (putting words into your mouth now but you get what I mean)

You will know whether I am anywhere on the right track.