DH is an actor first and a father second.

[Spider]

I'll try to keep this brief. We've been arguing for over a week now and it's really taking its toll.

The history: Before we had kids my career had the edge on his because I had stability as well as money.

Then we had four kids in eight years and my work dropped right back to intermittent freelancing. I've always stepped in to fill the gap when his work is going badly. Over the past year I've been gradually weaving my way back into work.

Last week he was offered the lead in a play which would mean he'd be away for seven weeks. The money was so crap that we would actually make a loss (because he'd have to cancel work already booked) and I would not be able to book work which would be a significant setback in my employment strategy.

His argument .... 'It's a lead. I'm an actor. It's like Hamlet. You knew I was an actor when you married me. '

Anyway after big emotional scenes he decided not to do it but he was absolutely horrible to me. He was upset and hurt and so he said some really nasty stuff to me and had a primitive outburst involving waving a chair over his head and shouting whilst our children were in bed asleep. (One hopes!)

His agent 'phoned yesterday to say he has now been offered a TV job in Bradford (we live in Brighton) for 12 weeks. The pay is better, but not great. It's hardly art (daytime drama) but I can tell he has no intention of even discussing it this time and frankly nor have I. He was so horrible last time.

I'm in a no win situation. If I try to dissuade him he'll turn into the chair waving gorilla man again. So I'll let him go and prepare for me and the kids to suffer and intensely horrible 12 weeks. There is too much work here with four kids (3 of them boys) and only one parent. I know from experience. Also, all my hard work on my career will be lost and I'll be back to square one.

I'm honeslty not sure what to do. I'm not sure our marriage can survive this.

Work with actors so am very sympathetic because I fully understand how transient employment can be but also flightly they can be too.

His argument .... 'It's a lead. I'm an actor. It's like Hamlet. You knew I was an actor when you married me. '

Your argument....'You're a Dad. We're a family. That's life. You knew that when you impregnated me four times'

"You knew that when you impregnated me four times' "

god htats lie bak and htink of engladn mentality

Wages aren't good enough for childcare because we need them for essential home maintainance (new shower, scaffolding up the back to paint window frames etc).

Cod I will survive him being away 12 weeks of course, but it will be really, really tough on all five of us. Even without the whole issue of him messing up my fledgling new career, just the practical day to day will be relentless.

Given that he will be sipping wine and discussing roles with his leading ladies while I scoop shit off arses and hang socks on the washing line all day and all evening for three months, I may start to hate him.

I never thought I'd say this but I want Xenia. Where's Xenia?

I'm going out for a meal now to talk this over with a friend. I won't be long though and I'd love to hear more views on the matter. Even those which support him, but the ones which say he's an arse with no leg to stand on are probably my favourites at this stage.

yeah !! bet he forgot about Yorick those four nights!

Take heart. My DH is nothing first and a father second. Hasn't had any paid work for at least two years, hasn't tried to do anything about it. Meantime I work and have to pay for childcare so that he can do very little with his days. All I get is a what can I do about it answer whilst he avoids the four kids I miss like mad when I'm at work. The real reason for both my and your predicament - our respective DHs' total and utter selfishness. It makes it harder and harder to love them and with four kids it gets harder and harder to leave them.

i thinkt he jealousy is the root hging

Noddy he had all sorts of other work booked. Workshops, corporate stuff, other things in the pipelines and plenty of it local.

I'm simply asserting his part in the matter (no pun intended) because at he doesn't appear to be taking any responsibility for his family at the moment.

Much as I detest actors, his wanting to progress his career isn't completely unreasonable.. BUT:

If he goes ahead with this it's his responsibility to come up with a plan on how the childcare can be survived/dealt with, and come up with realistic approaches for how you can progress you career.

Men (if you go with the stereotype) want to solve problems rather than emote - so let him come up with the solutions

If on the other hand he doesnt want to participate with that, then there's your answer...

(p.s. - is a 7-day-a-week job? can he come home in the weekends?)

not by going out to worK. adn tyring to find permanent work?
alord men have to be eveythign..

'Artists' make shit partners sometimes as they are always justifying every crap selfish move they make with the 'you knew when you met me'line.Unfortunately acting music making etc are so easy when you are either single or making a fortune.Otherwise so stressful.If you fancy a glass of wine and a moan give me a ring xx

Spider, I won't be on here later because I will be watching Ugly Betty (for work, you understand ) but I will rack brains.

And the reason I sound so work-crazed is that I have frequently really resented the way that Mr Inferior has always been able to assume I'll pick up the pieces if he has a work crisis or the kids are ill and so on - not to a taking-the-piss level but certainly, I think, an unspoken assumption. My last foray into Real Work a couple of days a week was partly an attempt to call him on that. I'm about to start another temporary job which will take me out of the house three days a week and on one level I do slightly feel it's pay-back time.

And I feel like that after building up a career. Heaven knows how I'd feel in your situation.

Men don't have to be everything. What we are saying, a lot of us, is that we would rather like men to take on some of the compromises and practical issues that women (usually) take on when they have babies.

i think sprotmen are the same nh

Good luck with your new work MI. Part of me thinks I might be able to channel my new fury into something worthwhile. I'd love it if he came home after three months and I was able to say, 'I've got loads of fantastic work booked. Make sure you clear your diary for the next few months.'

What really pisses me off SelishMan is the casual lack of respect for the level of upheaval he is causing to the whole family.

Oh and the holiday he booked for us in the cottage in Wales, the first we've had for two years, will have to be cancelled.

Must go.

"Oh and the holiday he booked for us in the cottage in Wales, the first we've had for two years, will have to be cancelled."

Eeep! Hmmm. If I were in your shoes in that case, I'd bury him at the bottom of the garden!

Sorry to be blunt, but if he's not willing to work out how to balance his responsibilities as a father and husband with building his career, and shows "casual lack of respect" then he's an arse.

I can understand why you are pissed off tbh.

He gets to go off and persue his career, you have to stay at home and do the practical stuff. Fine if you are happy to do that, which many partners of people who often work away are. If you are not happy however then it has to be resolved, he can't just swan off without making arrangements to help you cope in his absence. He has a responsibility to you and your family.

I take it that he usually looks after the kids while you work?

Would he be able to come home at all during that three months?

We are just getting to the end of a period of 10 weeks away, he will be back this weekend and back for good next. It is hard and relentless, it is v v stressful and boollox IMHO.

However I am going against the grain here, you married him 'desite' the fact he is an actor, as I did my dh. I bet part of the attraction was the 'glamour' of the situation. Yes he now has responsibilitiies, but actors/artistes are never much good with responsibilities. Now that sounds like I am excusing him, I am not, however you do need to look at how his job and yours can work in harmony rather than fighting him. I have always worked, ft, going back to work as soon as necessary (6 months) so we didn't have a total nightmare with no income. But dh always did the childcare between jobs. The only stipulation I ever put on him is that he had to earn enough to cover that. But we have 2 kids, not 4, we have some family support.

I cold never het him to give up, not now, not as he is finally doing stuff he is proud of. He has spent years trying to get decent work (has no agent, no HOPE of TV) and since last christmas he has spent 50% of his time away - he is going to have another stint this christmas. This means about 20 - 25 weeks away in the year, I work ft (8.30 - 6 5 days a wek) IT IS THE PITS I know that, but I cannot take it away from him. If I force him to give up his dream he won't be happy, therefore we as a family won't be happy.

I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from, and I can only sympathise, but don't get out the pitchfrks, don't divorce him yet. See how you can work things out. Look at childcare options I really understand how you feel, seriously I do, I had a total meltdown this time last week under the stress. I ended up sobbing at work over it all. BUT I had to keep going and keep strong, becuase I love him and I have to support him.

Sorry if I haven't helped, I can only say I SERIOUSLY understand, and suggest to anyone/everyone NEVER MARRY A F**KING ACTOR