DH is an actor first and a father second.

[Spider]

I'll try to keep this brief. We've been arguing for over a week now and it's really taking its toll.

The history: Before we had kids my career had the edge on his because I had stability as well as money.

Then we had four kids in eight years and my work dropped right back to intermittent freelancing. I've always stepped in to fill the gap when his work is going badly. Over the past year I've been gradually weaving my way back into work.

Last week he was offered the lead in a play which would mean he'd be away for seven weeks. The money was so crap that we would actually make a loss (because he'd have to cancel work already booked) and I would not be able to book work which would be a significant setback in my employment strategy.

His argument .... 'It's a lead. I'm an actor. It's like Hamlet. You knew I was an actor when you married me. '

Anyway after big emotional scenes he decided not to do it but he was absolutely horrible to me. He was upset and hurt and so he said some really nasty stuff to me and had a primitive outburst involving waving a chair over his head and shouting whilst our children were in bed asleep. (One hopes!)

His agent 'phoned yesterday to say he has now been offered a TV job in Bradford (we live in Brighton) for 12 weeks. The pay is better, but not great. It's hardly art (daytime drama) but I can tell he has no intention of even discussing it this time and frankly nor have I. He was so horrible last time.

I'm in a no win situation. If I try to dissuade him he'll turn into the chair waving gorilla man again. So I'll let him go and prepare for me and the kids to suffer and intensely horrible 12 weeks. There is too much work here with four kids (3 of them boys) and only one parent. I know from experience. Also, all my hard work on my career will be lost and I'll be back to square one.

I'm honeslty not sure what to do. I'm not sure our marriage can survive this.

I am honestly shocked how quickly people advise divorce.
Being an actor is obviously really important to him.
The chair waving behaviour is probably a sign of his frustration about all this. When men can't express their feelings they can punch mirrors, wave things, shout. (my sisters ex bf threw her mattress down the stairs after a row She had to drag it back up when it had all settled. We still laugh about that! It doesn't mean he is violent, or will be.
I don't know what you should do here, but I think that it is important to understand his feelings in this.

spider

if he does take the job and he is working over august i may have an idea for a couple of weeks

CAT me!!

My dh away for weeks on end but only because by doing so he makes good money.

I think the problem here is that Spider feels that she is getting no support or compromise from her dh. What about her dreams and career? Why should her dh be able to persue his when that means that she can't do the same? The situation isn't ideal for anyone but for other couples it will work better as both partners feel they are getting what they want out of the arrangement. I feel that this isn't the case here.

I have a relation who was in exactly the same boat sadly. The dh has a very successful career which he is dedicated too. They have 4 children. He would/could not sacrifice his time for the family. One part of me said, well, she did know he was an actor when they married. But, they have had 4 children together and sorry, that changes things imo. The sad thing is, or maybe it's a good thing, he actually sees them more now I think. I grew up in exactly the same circumstances and it's sad to see it happen again. Try and picture yourself in 10 years time in the same position. Is that where you want to be?

sobernow I understand your feelings, I really do. If only it were so easy to get 'voiceober work' or well paying short term stuff. It just isn't.

I count myself amongthe lucky ones tbh, dh and I have a stable marrigae despite his work, I see so many actors who are druggies, alchies or totally up themselves with crap or no relationahips and nothing intheir lives. ATM dh is working with an ator who has worked perhaps one job in 3 years, his partner is a well known tv face and yet they can barely pay the mortgage.

Much as DG moans about work in the last 8 years (since we have had kids) he has been in some sort of acting work for about 50% of the time. He also does teaching for the rest of the time which pays his bills.

I do think most actors etc are totally selfish fuckwits who don't deserve a good person in their lives, BUT I do think you need to go into such a relationahip with your eyes open. Why get married to someone simply to chnge them????

spider please feel free to email me tlpdwest at ntlworld dot com If you want to rant

sobernow, Introduce us, My dh would LOVE voiceover stuff, he ia not too proud I can assure you.

The last voiceover he did for for a local wine company paid £100 for 1/2 hr. He also did corporate stuff for the council. I can assure you he is an acting tart

If you need a slight posh bloke for anything - let me know

I think you need to find some way of doing at least some of your job while he is away. Can the scaffolding etc wait? There are lots of people available for the summer in Brighton who could help you with childcare and then you would not have to be the one to give up on your dream.

otherwise I think I would probably have the argument again - it's not as if he hasn't got other acting work lined up after all. And why should you all give up a holiday? I would be very angry, artiste or not. (not at him going away, although that is very hard work, but the disregard appears to be showing to your career, and your family's needs).

Spider, it must be really tough. dh is away 3 months per year and I have to stop most of my work during this time. The benefit is he does earn good money.

I think as crunchie says - you married him knowing his job and you had four children knowing his job.

An actor cannot just accept work near home, voice overs etc - as soon as you start turning down work you start to be forgotten and end up on the scrap heap.

What would I do in your situation?

I guess we need to know about your job - how you can turn your career around and work while your dh is away

and why are you giving up your holiday? You have to carry on - go without him or take a mate.

Also - organise weekends together - go and see him, make sure he comes home as often as possible.

It is a bummer - I know and I have been in the situation where I have left dh with all the kids to earn a pittance in the theatre - just to keep my hand in.

voiceover work is bloody ahrd to get

I can see how infuriating it is, and that dh appears to be denying any responsibility for the sheer grind of childcare/housework etc. etc. Agree he needs to recognise that he is dropping you in it. Asking him to come up with solutions might be one tack to try (if you can do it neutrally so he actually thinks about it rather than just responding 'Well, I can't turn THIS down...' and going off into a rant about his career).

Delgirl's post really rang bells for me. My father was away a lot for work and play (same thing, for him) when I was little. My mother eventually got so fed up she divorced him. And we saw an awful lot more of him after that. He took us forgranted when we were just there, waiting for him to come home. Shame if it takes divorce to make a man appreciate his family.

I wonder if an issue here is the fact that your career is not just about your personal fulfilment, it's actually a crucial part of your partnership as a wage-earning unit. This doesn't seem to be just about him being selfish, but also about him being short-termist with regard to his own interests and consequently you really don't feel like he's treating you as a partner. It looks to me like a very different situation from one where the husband is away a lot in return for the financial security his job brings (even the military is a regular wage) and the deal is that the wife handles the domestic side in return for the man providing a reliable income.

Obv I don't know anything about your financial circs but it seems to me that if you can get childcare and salvage any of the career stuff you were going to do in the time, the money for this should be seen as a valuable investment in your career rather than money down the drain.

Hope you can find a way forward....

hi beety, you understand too, it is bloody hard, but you knowhow much it means to him to work

BTW did you hear the news about the old vic!!!

that it is shutting down? yes - at least they may change that awful facade

Defiantly agree with getting paid work inbetween jobs

true.

cali - i think once you are in then you can keep gettin git but it is not easy