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Original poster

Can I Stop DDs mum moving away

234 replies

PapaMeerkat · 30/06/2018 22:29

I am a father to DD who is 6.
I was never in a proper relationship with her mum and our relationship has been very up and down over the years. It was ok just after DD was born but then whenever I do/say something her mum doesn't like then she stops contact for a few weeks till I threaten to take her back to court and then we go back to normal again.

I am currently married and expecting a baby via a surrogate, and DD stays with us EOweekend and 3 evenings a week. I also pick her up and drop her off at an after school activity 1 day a week and I have her half the school holidays. I also take her any extra time her mum needs me to have her. Her mum is also married and DD has StepSisters.

When I picked up DD from school yesterday she was acting quiet at first I thought it was just the heat/tiredness but as the evening went on she was clingy and kept crying for no real reason. But when I tried to chat to her about it she would refuse to speak and sometimes she would start crying again. She took ages to settle to bed and then in the middle of the night she came crying into our bed and she took ages so settle which is something she hasn't done since she was a toddler.

Today she was exactly the same clingy and crying. After dinner I just sat with her and cuddled her for ages and reassured her that she could talk to me and eventually she blurted out that they are all moving to the other side of the country in the school holidays. That she wasn't supposed to know but her Ssisters told her and so she asked her mum who confirmed it but made her promise that she wouldn't tell me because I would be upset and it would make everyone cross. DD was then hysterical saying that she didn't want to go that she will miss me and DP and she will never see the new baby once they are born and she doesn't want to leave her grandparents etc and she got so upset she made herself sick so I calmed her down as best I could and I told her I would talk to her mum about it but that if they do move I will always be there for her and we will come and visit but she was still upset saying that she wants to live with us.

So once DD was calmed down I messaged her mum and she eventually confirmed that they are moving as her DP will have better work opportunities. She said that they have already made most of the arrangements and I will just have to visit when I can (It will would be roughly an 8 hour car ride there so we won't be able to pop over and visit her for the weekend).

I am devastated and I am trying to work out if there is someway I can stop this happening, for me and for DD. So I'm hoping someone might be able to help me because I don't know what to do next but I don't want to lose my DD. But then I don't know if legally I can stop them moving with her either.

OP posts:
HoneyBadgerApparently · 23/07/2018 18:19

Hope all went OK today OP Flowers

Honeyroar · 23/07/2018 18:57

Fingers crossed for you. Sometimes women like this make me ashamed to be female (and the posters that suggest that it's better you don't rock the boat and pretty much give up your child to this selfish woman!). My husband"s ex could pull some pretty mean tricks when my stepson was young, and she was usually ultra nice while she was plotting something. Thankfully she wasn't as bad as this woman.

A friend of mine did this to her ex. She moved 400 miles away from where her ex lived. I did mention it to her, that I thought she was was being unfair, but she said he deserved it for cheating on her. She married a rich man and they all had a lovely life, but I've always felt sorry for the ex.

sexnotgender · 23/07/2018 19:59

This is absolutely horrendous! I’d honestly go for full custody if you’re able to.

Original poster
PapaMeerkat · 23/07/2018 22:50

I went to mediation today it was fairly quick over all.
I stated that i thought it was best for DD if they moved closer and she could see both parents. However if they insisted on moving that far away then I felt that DD should stay with us where her extended family and friends and school is,

DDs mum said that they were moving that they already had a place lined up to rent and as soon as I would let them move they would sort out a school for her and DD would move on and form other relationships.

She said that I could have DD for most of the summer holidays and one week at Christmas and Easter and she felt that if i wanted more time than that then i would have to make the effort to travel and see her.

I said that i wasn't happy with this. She was annoyed with me and said i was being deliberately difficult and if I wanted full residency for DD then they would give it too me and I would have to live with the guilt of splitting up a mother and daughter etc but that they were moving sooner rather than later and if that means DD living with me then she will let her stay here.

She then suggested that I should stop involving courts and PSOs and that DD can just live with me and they will go and not make a fuss. I said that if DD was staying with me then I wanted it officially through the courts. DDs mum was angry that I would't just forget about it but she said that she will make contact with her solicitor ASAP and we can sort out the new arrangement.

I agreed to this but also stated clearly that I won't let her take DD and I wouldn't stop anything till it was legally agreed that DD was living with me full-time and thats where we left it.

A part of me is glad that it seems to be going my way and a part of me is a bit suspicious that they might do do something but mostly I just feel a bit sad for DD who is going to be upset went they move away whatever happens.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/07/2018 23:03

Well, that sounds positive. I've been thinking about you today, wondering how it went. And it's a good outcome, if your DD stays with you mostly. Your DD will be sad when her DM moves away but it sounds as if she's closer to you than she is to her mum.

Apileofballyhoo · 23/07/2018 23:06

That's so sad for your DD about her Mum moving away but at least she has you.

SpaceDinosaur · 23/07/2018 23:15

This whole situation is heartbreaking.

You're a proper parent @PapaMeerkat I'm sorry her mother is not.

User183737 · 23/07/2018 23:23

To be honest all i took from your first post was the DD coming into yours and your partner's bed. As a mother, I'd hate that. Your bed yes youre her dad, but not another woman. However, then i read there was a stepdad too.
Stepfamilies are so fucked up. Adults who wont think of the kids they have before breeding others. However, you clearly love her and 8hrs away is unfair. Genuinely unfair. I hope it works out so you get to see her x

KeiTeNgeNge · 23/07/2018 23:24

What a terrible situation - your poor daughter

fannycraddock72 · 23/07/2018 23:28

Well done! Good for you. Keep fighting for what’s right and what’s best for your daughter. You ex has made the choice to move away and don’t feel guilty for that. Stay strong, keep fighting for your daughter, keep being the normal parent.

CantankerousCamel · 23/07/2018 23:30

User

The OP’s partner is Male.

CantankerousCamel · 23/07/2018 23:30
CantankerousCamel · 23/07/2018 23:32

OP I think this sounds positive. I think the mother knows she cannot win this, she can’t just up and move to Scotland and you going through the courts will scupper her plans, her Blasie approach to keeping her daughter will have been noted in mediation. You’re right to play the long game, that girl needs to stay with you

Mrstobe90 · 23/07/2018 23:55

I'm so glad that things are going your way.
As a mother myself, I don't understand how she can be so ok with giving her daughter away and moving. She doesn't sound fit for parenthood!

Karigan198 · 24/07/2018 00:02

Don’t trust the ‘unofficial agreement’. Scotland is a seperate jurisdiction and if they just go you’ll have to open new proceedings there. Get a formal order now

BlueAnemone · 24/07/2018 00:03

I don't think I'd believe that what she said in meditation is true. Everything says the real reason for moving so far away, and for them hiding it from you, is that they want DD away from you. You may still not know about their plan to relocate if DD hadn't overheard her family talking about it. So for them to say 'oh you can have her then' just doesn't ring true to me. I'm afraid that it sounds like they may think they can play along with mediation, move anyway, and hope that you can't force DD to be returned to you.
Is mediation happening alongside the pso, or is meditation slowing down the pso? If the pso can't be issued until mediation has completed, I'd guess that's relevant.

Doyoumind · 24/07/2018 00:09

It still sounds suspicious to me OP and that they might disappear with DD before you have anything legal in place. I think they are making sure you're in a weak position legally and just stringing you along. Otherwise I'm surprised she's given in so easily and suggested DD lives with you.

I'm sure you know this but if she moves with DD it would be her responsibility to consider the travel issue/costs, not just yours.

Having DD for most of the summer holidays sounds either like you would have to take a lot of annual leave or pay for holiday clubs while she and her partner get DD cared for for free.

If DD lived with you, her mum should be paying maintenance as well.

SandyY2K · 24/07/2018 00:15

She then suggested that I should stop involving courts and PSOs and that DD can just live with me and they will go and not make a fuss.

Yeah right. Because she's been do upfront and honest so far.

Everything should be done legally.

timeisnotaline · 24/07/2018 00:16

It sounds pretty suspicious to me too - on the surface a great outcome but why the about-turn? Could they be planning a midnight flit?

Homebird8 · 24/07/2018 01:43

I wonder if a change in resident parent would take longer through the court than a PSO? If so it’s worth carrying on with the PSO so they don’t ‘disappear’ DD very soon. Suddenly agreeing to let you have her live with you in mediation doesn’t ring true. I think they might have been saying anything to buy them a few days to take DD to Scotland.

Thankewe · 24/07/2018 02:36

Op, you’re amazing! But keep fighting and don’t stop until it’s all legal

mathsquestions · 24/07/2018 06:54

.

sexnotgender · 24/07/2018 07:00

I wouldn't trust a single word she said in mediation!

Get it all watertight legally.

Rockluvvindad · 24/07/2018 08:06

You're a good man OP and your daughter will grow up knowing that... Keep fighting for her. Got my fingers crossed for you all. And don't trust your ex one inch.

Heighwayqueen · 24/07/2018 08:10

You are doing such as amazing job for your little girl, she's so lucky to have you. I hope your partner is onboard with suddenly being a full time dad too.
As fur the ex I wouldn't trust anything she says, though you sound wise to her ways so don't stop until you have everything sorted legally.
As a mother I can't believe how easily she's willing to give up her child, what on earth is her new partner offering her at the new place?

Stay strong and keep fighting. Your daughter will forever remember which parent listened to her and valued her.

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