Can I Stop DDs mum moving away

[PapaMeerkat]

I am a father to DD who is 6.
I was never in a proper relationship with her mum and our relationship has been very up and down over the years. It was ok just after DD was born but then whenever I do/say something her mum doesn't like then she stops contact for a few weeks till I threaten to take her back to court and then we go back to normal again.

I am currently married and expecting a baby via a surrogate, and DD stays with us EOweekend and 3 evenings a week. I also pick her up and drop her off at an after school activity 1 day a week and I have her half the school holidays. I also take her any extra time her mum needs me to have her. Her mum is also married and DD has StepSisters.

When I picked up DD from school yesterday she was acting quiet at first I thought it was just the heat/tiredness but as the evening went on she was clingy and kept crying for no real reason. But when I tried to chat to her about it she would refuse to speak and sometimes she would start crying again. She took ages to settle to bed and then in the middle of the night she came crying into our bed and she took ages so settle which is something she hasn't done since she was a toddler.

Today she was exactly the same clingy and crying. After dinner I just sat with her and cuddled her for ages and reassured her that she could talk to me and eventually she blurted out that they are all moving to the other side of the country in the school holidays. That she wasn't supposed to know but her Ssisters told her and so she asked her mum who confirmed it but made her promise that she wouldn't tell me because I would be upset and it would make everyone cross. DD was then hysterical saying that she didn't want to go that she will miss me and DP and she will never see the new baby once they are born and she doesn't want to leave her grandparents etc and she got so upset she made herself sick so I calmed her down as best I could and I told her I would talk to her mum about it but that if they do move I will always be there for her and we will come and visit but she was still upset saying that she wants to live with us.

So once DD was calmed down I messaged her mum and she eventually confirmed that they are moving as her DP will have better work opportunities. She said that they have already made most of the arrangements and I will just have to visit when I can (It will would be roughly an 8 hour car ride there so we won't be able to pop over and visit her for the weekend).

I am devastated and I am trying to work out if there is someway I can stop this happening, for me and for DD. So I'm hoping someone might be able to help me because I don't know what to do next but I don't want to lose my DD. But then I don't know if legally I can stop them moving with her either.

Looking at it from the mums point of view, it would be horrendous to be stuck in a certain area, and for her partner not to be able to go for this better job opportunity, because of a man she was never even in a proper relationship with. However, if she were to move, she should absolutely be the one to transport your daughter back to see you regularly. I expect you’d have to see her less frequently but for longer stretches of time, 3/4 of each school holiday perhaps, so the poor girl isn’t having to spend 16 hours in a car for one weekend visit

I am so sorry for you, this has to be the worse possible nightmare for a non resident parent. The fact that your ex was planning it without consulting you and worse, that she doesn't seem to think that it is her responsibility not towards you but her daughter to ensure contact remains regular shows how selfish she is.

In the end, it's up to you how much you fight it but that would require fighting to have custody of you DD, not to stop your ex from moving. The courts can't do that. The question is whether she would still move if a judge decided that you should have main residence. How would you feel about this prospect? What would be the impact on your DD if indeed, her mum moved anyway and had infrequent contact. Would that cause her emotional harm?

If the move does go ahead, don't assume that things won't be the same with your DD. My mum moved 500 miles away when I was 7 yo, so didn't see my dad as often, but my dad decided not to fight it (I would have found it harder not to see my mum as often than my dad), but ensured that contact could remain regular and indeed, my parents reached an arrangement by which my dad paid much less child maintenance but paid for the air fare. It meant driving for one hour on each side to get to the airport from where they lived, but from my perspective as a child, all I remember is how much I loved it. I don't remember being tired from it, I remember enjoying the 1 hour travel when both my parents gave me their full attention and loved the flying.

It has certainly not affected how close I was to my dad as a child, nor as an adult. What I do remember is how dedicated my dad was to spending time together and even as a young child, although I couldn't have verbalised it, I was aware of it and that made me feel very much loved by him.

Thank you all for your advice. DD is slightly better this morning now everything is out in the open but she i still very clingy. I just feel so bloody stupid that I didn't see this coming.

I have emailed my solicitor who I have worked with regarding DD and contact arrangements before they are really good so hopefully they will get back to me soon though I imagine it won't be till tomorrow.

I will arrange a meeting with the school tomorrow and ask them about it, hopefully they might be able to tell me more.

I have court ordered contact which I have had since DD was a toddler because DDs mum kept stopping contact between us.

I do understand what you are saying from her mums point of view Pippilotta but there are loads of cities between here and Scotland some are only an hour or two away so I don't even really understand why they have to go so far away.

Dds mum sounds mean- hiding it from you and ds when she knows how upset she would be! I hope you can stop their moving frankly, given the way she’s gone about it. But if not agree she should have to bring her back for holidays and send her for weekends (I assume could fly in much less than 8h?) . Could you apply for main residency? So if they move the default is with you?

It seem odd to choose Scotland, there are many very large towns and cities that are much closer to Wales! It does make me wonder if they don't like the level of contact you have. My moving away like this your ex is breaking court ordered contact???

I'd be applying for full residential custody if I was you. If there is a court order, force her to stick with it.
Don't let your daughter be taken away, you currently have 50/50 care and will end up being half of holiday only. And as she gets older that might wane off as she chooses to spend time with her friends.
DD could stay with you and go to Mum for half the holidays.
Glad you are on to a lawyer quickly.

Definitely an immediate PSO to stop her changing the school or where she lives. You can get that done in hours, followed by a very quick hearing. If you can find out which county in Scotland she’s trying to move to then you should contact the LEA and make them aware that it’s a contested move and that you also have PR and need to be copied in to any applications for your DD. Do the same with your current LEA and the school.

If you have established and court ordered contact on the frequency you do (how did she intend to avoid breaking the current order if she was going to present it as a fait accompli? Your sol might be able to explore that in court - clearly she has/had no intention to respect the current CAO!) then you may be in a stronger position than I was but I wish you luck in the process.

My kids were moved 4 hours away from me. Took it to court to prevent it but, despite having had one day a fortnight difference in having the DC, and that having been the case for three years, “family” court decided there was absolutely no problem with them going and changing to eow and half holidays with me!

“Family” court is, despite what many Mums like to pretend, incredibly biased against fathers - decent or otherwise - and CAFCAS are a joke. Be prepared for a very frustrating, not to mention expensive, next few months but I hope you get what would clearly be the better outcome for your DD.

This thread has made me so angry. Fight for your girl, OP! Please keep us updated, you sound like a great father. Would you and your partner be up for full custody?

Pippi the mum wouldn't be staying for the sake of a man she was never in a relationship with. She would be staying for the sake of her daughter who, quite frankly, should be more important than her partner or herself. Why can't her DP move to Scotland and then travel back to see her when it's possible to make the long journey? I suppose it wouldn't be fair for the mum to have limited contact with her DP?

I would be more understanding if there wasn't much of a relationship between daughter and father, but there is.

You say you have your DD anytime her mum needs you to in addition to the set contact times. It would help maybe for you to try and write down what this has actually consisted of over the last few months - if it means you've in effect had her for near to or over 50% of the time, that will be worth pointing out.

I think that going in tough and applying for residency might make her back down.

Fight for your girl OP, even if this doesn’t go your way she’ll know when she’s old enough to understand that you fought and you tried. And that’s important.

I hope you get the outcome that’s best for you and your girl.

Fight for full custody OP. Sounds to me this is what your DD wants?
For a mother to keep that from her DD for her own selfish reasons speaks volumes.

doyoumind I definitely don’t agree with what she’s doing, I just think it’s important to consider all points of view. I think what swingofthings has said is worth considering, going for full custody would be extreme and not in her best interests. You just need to make sure you’ve got a contact plan in place before she moves, and the mother should be responsible for getting the child to her dad for contact.

As you have PR, you can also keep DD in your care the next time you have contact. Then the mother would need to take it to court herself for a child arrangements order which as she's moving 8 hours away she would have to prove this is in the best interests of the child

Please don't follow confused's advice, the courts really don't like that kind of nonsense.

I actually work in this arena and although it's not the usual advice to give, in this circumstance I'd say he has every right to exercise his PR or face his daughter being 8 hours away and seeing her 6 times a year as opposed to 3 times a week. His DD is clearly distressed by it all

Why do separated parents always consider everything from the basis of their 'rights'. It's not about OP or the mother's rights, it's about what is best for the child. That is why people see judges as biased because that's all they consider, the rights of the parents are irrelevant when it comes to contact.

OP, this situation is not a 'let's message' type of discussion. You need to pick up the phone and demand to meet with her, face to face to discuss it. If he refuses, then you can tell her that she is leaving you with no choice but to inform the court of her intention. You need to consider that 'having made most of the arrangements' might include having made a request to court, so you might want to inquire about this first.

However hurt and scared you feel, for the benefit of your daughter, try to consider the situation with your head rather than your heart. Remember that your DD loves both of you and is feeling stuck in between. It sounds like her mother is already showing not to have her best interests at heart, so don't let her down too.

I don't think there's any suggestion that PapaMeerkat; isn't going to put his DD first Swing. He's thinking of her best interests. It's his Ex who's got the problem.

Of course rights is a massive part. The court has to weigh up the parents rights, what's in the child's best interests and their fundamental human rights as a whole. When the mother is acting in this way, then it's obvious the father is going to advocate his rights as a parent.

Prawn, my comment was towards the posters who advised to use his rights to keep his daughter, with no consideration to whether exercising such rights is indeed what is best for his daughter.

I do agree that OP has given no indication he doesn't intend to do that.

Terrible behaviour from Mum. I’m a single Mum and hate the feeling of being trapped in this Town due to Sons Dad being here but as adults we have to live by own past choices/ decisions. I chose to have a child with him so I owe these 20 years to my child. It is in my child’s best interests to live in the same town as both parents. Would I rather be in Australia or a cheaper town, possibly yes. Would my child? No.

If your alive for say 80 years and you can’t make sacrifices for your children for 20 of those you’re just an arsehole.

Absolute bollox about the work situation, no one has to move that far to find work. They should adjust their lifestyle expectations instead.

She’s in the wrong, fight it hard.

I’m currently working hard to change my 5 minute drive to a 5 minute walk to Sons Dads house. It’s a more expensive village and is a 5 year plan for me to be able to afford it but when my child is 11 he will have the choice to walk between his parents house. Because he didn’t choose for us to split up.

Don’t allow it if you can help it, it’s disgraceful, how would she feel?

Gotcha, Swing.

I actually work in this arena

Your poor clients. That's incredibly irresponsible advice to be dishing out on here.

Happily OP has already said he'll be checking in with his solicitor, so will no doubt get decent advice and follow it.

Good luck OP. Horrible situation for you to have landed in.

Prawn :)

When the mother is acting in this way, then it's obvious the father is going to advocate his rights as a parent
No it isn't obvious at all. However unfairly you've been treated, and bad the other parent is, being the one good parent in the child's life doesn't default to exercising their rights.

This is why they are so many kids messed up by the break up of their parents, parents who are more focused on their own rights than what is best for them. My dad decided to let me go when I was little however much it broke his heart at the time but it paid off because when I was 14, I decided myself that I wasn't moving with mum (again) and decided to stay close to my dad (albeit in boarding school for various reasons).

Similarly, I opted not to exercise my rights as a resident parents when my ex wouldn't pay maintenance (and other rights) but I didn't because it wasn't in my kids' best interests. Once again, this paid off as my kids got older.

Thank you for replying, we are trying to have fun with DD today so at least she will be a bit happier.

I have asked her mum if we can talk about it when I drop DD off but she hasn't replied and I doubt she will want to.

I don't know what exactly will be best for DD she is saying she wants to live here now and obviously I would love that but she would still miss her mum. To be honest either way this is going to cause a massive upset for DD because either she will lose out on time with one of her parents.