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Original poster

Can I Stop DDs mum moving away

234 replies

PapaMeerkat · 30/06/2018 22:29

I am a father to DD who is 6.
I was never in a proper relationship with her mum and our relationship has been very up and down over the years. It was ok just after DD was born but then whenever I do/say something her mum doesn't like then she stops contact for a few weeks till I threaten to take her back to court and then we go back to normal again.

I am currently married and expecting a baby via a surrogate, and DD stays with us EOweekend and 3 evenings a week. I also pick her up and drop her off at an after school activity 1 day a week and I have her half the school holidays. I also take her any extra time her mum needs me to have her. Her mum is also married and DD has StepSisters.

When I picked up DD from school yesterday she was acting quiet at first I thought it was just the heat/tiredness but as the evening went on she was clingy and kept crying for no real reason. But when I tried to chat to her about it she would refuse to speak and sometimes she would start crying again. She took ages to settle to bed and then in the middle of the night she came crying into our bed and she took ages so settle which is something she hasn't done since she was a toddler.

Today she was exactly the same clingy and crying. After dinner I just sat with her and cuddled her for ages and reassured her that she could talk to me and eventually she blurted out that they are all moving to the other side of the country in the school holidays. That she wasn't supposed to know but her Ssisters told her and so she asked her mum who confirmed it but made her promise that she wouldn't tell me because I would be upset and it would make everyone cross. DD was then hysterical saying that she didn't want to go that she will miss me and DP and she will never see the new baby once they are born and she doesn't want to leave her grandparents etc and she got so upset she made herself sick so I calmed her down as best I could and I told her I would talk to her mum about it but that if they do move I will always be there for her and we will come and visit but she was still upset saying that she wants to live with us.

So once DD was calmed down I messaged her mum and she eventually confirmed that they are moving as her DP will have better work opportunities. She said that they have already made most of the arrangements and I will just have to visit when I can (It will would be roughly an 8 hour car ride there so we won't be able to pop over and visit her for the weekend).

I am devastated and I am trying to work out if there is someway I can stop this happening, for me and for DD. So I'm hoping someone might be able to help me because I don't know what to do next but I don't want to lose my DD. But then I don't know if legally I can stop them moving with her either.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 01/07/2018 20:11

“going for full custody would be extreme and not in her best interests. You just need to make sure you’ve got a contact”

Says a person who’ll never have to worry about losing their relationship with DC purely because of gender assumptions and the pure sexism that still underpins “family” courts.

Given Mother’s prior disregard to the established contact, and given that she was clearly not going to bother varying the current CAO and was looking to do a “midnight” flit with OPs daughter then I’d say there’s nothing extreme at all in going for a change of residency. The mother is not going to make any sort of effort to maintain DC and OP’s relationship.

NorthernSpirit · 01/07/2018 20:16

How selfish of the mother to do this and not let you know. Also selfish to burden a small child with keeping it secret.

This will radically change your contact. I’m sorry, her saying ‘you will just have to visit when you can’ is completely selfish - a 16 hour round trip?!

I would go to court and get a prohibitive steps order. The mother will have to prove that this move is in the best interests of the child. As she’s moved maybe she would like to do the 16 hour trip to facilitate visits? The poor kid.

Original poster
PapaMeerkat · 01/07/2018 21:32

I took DD back to her mums earlier on. DD was hysterical clinging to me begging me not to leave her even though I tried to reassure her that I will see her in the week as usual. Her mum took her off me and sent her in the house. I asked her mum if we could talk about this if not tonight then during the week. She said No end of, so I left it at that as I didn't want to upset DD anymore.

Her mum then phoned me an hour ago saying that she felt like I was deliberately trying to make her life difficult and that DD will have a fresh new start and she can't understand why I am not happy for them. I tried to explain my side but then she put her DP on the phone instead who told me that I needed to get over it and DD will be happier in the long term if she just has one home and his DCs want to move so I had to see it was for the best for all his family not just for me. When I said that I felt DD needs both parents in her lives and anyway they will be breaking the contact order if they just take her. He said I was being difficult for the sake of it. Then he hung up on me

DD has two Step sisters, (her mums husbands DC's) but they live with them most of the time and from what DD has mentioned they only see their mum a couple of times a year.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 01/07/2018 21:35

Solicitor, and Court, OP. I see no alternative (besides waving your daughter goodbye).

Dreadful people. Relocation cases make me so damn angry.

CarlyJayne1987 · 01/07/2018 21:40

Solicitor and court...

what an awful woman doing this to her child.

This makes me so angry.

id go for full custody to be honest OP

RandomMess · 01/07/2018 21:45

Yep they want to cut you from her life, urgent court hearing!

isthisusernameavailable · 01/07/2018 21:46

@PapaMeerkat every single post you've made on here has literally broken my heart. I have no advice other than what people have already said but I really genuinely hope you are able to maintain a relationship with your DD, whatever happens. Good luck!!!!

BounceAndClimb · 01/07/2018 21:48

From your last post about him saying it would be better for her to live in one home, I wonder if this is more about reducing contact with you by moving as far away as possible than the 'work' reason they've given.

Definitely prohibited steps order and point out that she will be breaking the court order if she moves away. I wonder if they've actually got any evidence of 'needing' to move, but you need to get it filed quickly before there's added complications of them having already sold/given notice on their current home and arranged somewhere to live there.

Aridane · 01/07/2018 21:50

Legal route

tribpot · 01/07/2018 22:04

Seems like the dp has run off the mother of his own children and is now intent on running you off as well in order to create some fiction of a nuclear family. (Maybe unfair but I wonder if anyone is going to tell the mother that her daughters are being whisked hundreds of miles away, even if she does only see them a couple of times a year).

I'd imagine their 'logic' is that he can replace you just as she has replaced his dds' mother, so you are now surplus to requirements. Clearly that is not the case.

Why on earth would your DD need a 'fresh new start'? She has a happy life with active participation by both her parents where she lives now.

I really hope you are successful in preventing this utterly selfish move, OP.

Original poster
PapaMeerkat · 01/07/2018 22:11

I don't know why they said DD needs a fresh new start. She is doing well in school, she was friends and she is doing well in her after school activity/. So I don't really understand it. Unless they mean a fresh start away from me.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 01/07/2018 22:20

Bloody hell. Sounds like they are trying to surgically sever your DD's relationship with you. Definitely lawyer up.

VanGoghsDog · 01/07/2018 22:30

OP - what a dreadful situation, please go for residency, this move is not for the sake of your DD at all, it's totally selfish by the mother and her DP. Who the hell does he think he is, telling you what is best for YOUR DD?

Indisdress · 01/07/2018 22:37

I have no advice to give that hasn’t already been given, but I just want to wish you the very best of luck, from the bottom of my heart.

Fight for your daughter, OP. She clearly adores you, and probably them, but she just hasn’t realised yet what awful people they are.

Considering the level of contact you have with her, this is one of the most selfish scenarios I’ve read of on here Sad

timeisnotaline · 01/07/2018 22:49

I really hope court comes down on your side and quickly op.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 01/07/2018 22:51

I would be applying for full residency. What a nasty cunt!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 01/07/2018 22:56

You need good legal advice and fast. I feel for you and your DD so much. My DSD was 6 when I first met her. Her DF loved her just like you love yours and the thought of her being taken 8 hours away is sickening.

I'm so much rooting for you. Both of you.

notapizzaeater · 01/07/2018 23:22

I hope court can move quickly and stop this.

slovenlys · 02/07/2018 09:19

THEY (ex and her dp) want a fresh start. They are behaving so selfishly it's beyond belief.

colditz · 02/07/2018 09:26

So they think she needs to live in one home?

That home can be yours. They are welcome to visit when they can/

Cunts..

colditz · 02/07/2018 09:26

If at the end of all of this, you cannot prevent this move, I would move heaven and earth to move right nixt door to them and show them that they do not erase you that easily

bethy15 · 02/07/2018 09:47

Wow, this is just horrible.

It seems your daughters mother is being controlled by her new partner who seems very forceful. Frankly it's none of his business, why he got on the phone to tell you about your own daughters life is beyond me. He shouldn't control one bit of it.

It all seems very odd on their end. Why she wouldn't discuss it and said 'end of' when it's far from it I don't know. And why such a young child needs a fresh start when she's doing well where she is and clearly has a great relationship with you.

It's not his business if he thinks it'll be best if she has one home. It's not his daughter. And for her, it'll always be best to have access to you.

They seem awful, I really hope this works out for you. You seem like such a genuine and lovely father, it actually made me quite emotional reading your posts. To think they'd take her away from such a great relationship with you is awful, and the fact they were hiding it from her and she only found out through the other children.

I always think you should listen to children, and the fact she's uncomfortable going back there away from you speaks volumes to me.

sayhellotothelittlefella · 02/07/2018 10:20

@PapaMeerkat - you say you’re expecting via a surrogate and you mention your dp but you don’t say if they are male or female. Is it the case that you are now in a relationship with a man and could that be the reason they wish to move dd so far away? I’m not saying it’s a valid reason, please don’t think that but they seem to be clutching at straws to find reasons as to why they need to relocate.

Changedname3456 · 02/07/2018 10:46

sayhello - I imagine the straw-clutching is because they don’t have a valid reason.

For the Mother’s husband to get involved and speak to OP like he did, his past actions with his ex and her relationship with their DC and the Mother’s previous disregard of contact orders, the distance they’re looking to move etc? It all screams of control to me. Something I’m unfortunately far too familiar with, having seen it from my exW.

They want OP and the new husband’s ex removed from the picture. If the court allows the move, and they may well do - I wouldn’t put any faith in CAFCAS or a bunch of magistrates to get this right - then OP is going to find more and more obstacles are put in his way to stop contact.

I hope you’re well on the way to getting your PSO in place this afternoon OP. Once your ex and her husband get sniff of anything like that then they’ll start trying to move earlier.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/07/2018 10:57

You need to be onto your lawyer RIGHT NOW.

The attitude tells you all you need to know. Their intention is to cut you out of your DD's life, and it sounds as if a lot of it is coming from the step-dad - who would rather there wasn't an inconvenient 'other man' around 'his' family.

Alarm bells ringing on this, including the level of upset from your DD. What has she been told? How is the step dad towards her?

Please, please immediately file a phohibited steps order to prevent them moving. Then I would quite simply file for residency, and tell the mum that frankly from what you've now seen, you simply don't believe that it's in your DD's best interests to remain living with her.