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Original poster

Can I Stop DDs mum moving away

234 replies

PapaMeerkat · 30/06/2018 22:29

I am a father to DD who is 6.
I was never in a proper relationship with her mum and our relationship has been very up and down over the years. It was ok just after DD was born but then whenever I do/say something her mum doesn't like then she stops contact for a few weeks till I threaten to take her back to court and then we go back to normal again.

I am currently married and expecting a baby via a surrogate, and DD stays with us EOweekend and 3 evenings a week. I also pick her up and drop her off at an after school activity 1 day a week and I have her half the school holidays. I also take her any extra time her mum needs me to have her. Her mum is also married and DD has StepSisters.

When I picked up DD from school yesterday she was acting quiet at first I thought it was just the heat/tiredness but as the evening went on she was clingy and kept crying for no real reason. But when I tried to chat to her about it she would refuse to speak and sometimes she would start crying again. She took ages to settle to bed and then in the middle of the night she came crying into our bed and she took ages so settle which is something she hasn't done since she was a toddler.

Today she was exactly the same clingy and crying. After dinner I just sat with her and cuddled her for ages and reassured her that she could talk to me and eventually she blurted out that they are all moving to the other side of the country in the school holidays. That she wasn't supposed to know but her Ssisters told her and so she asked her mum who confirmed it but made her promise that she wouldn't tell me because I would be upset and it would make everyone cross. DD was then hysterical saying that she didn't want to go that she will miss me and DP and she will never see the new baby once they are born and she doesn't want to leave her grandparents etc and she got so upset she made herself sick so I calmed her down as best I could and I told her I would talk to her mum about it but that if they do move I will always be there for her and we will come and visit but she was still upset saying that she wants to live with us.

So once DD was calmed down I messaged her mum and she eventually confirmed that they are moving as her DP will have better work opportunities. She said that they have already made most of the arrangements and I will just have to visit when I can (It will would be roughly an 8 hour car ride there so we won't be able to pop over and visit her for the weekend).

I am devastated and I am trying to work out if there is someway I can stop this happening, for me and for DD. So I'm hoping someone might be able to help me because I don't know what to do next but I don't want to lose my DD. But then I don't know if legally I can stop them moving with her either.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 01/07/2018 12:45

Indeed.

Although if she stays with you, she keeps the familiarity of her current school.

I would be dubious about her mother's good faith in terms of maintaining contact given her behaviour so far.

Also bear in mind that whichever jurisdiction she ends up in, the school holidays are dramatically out of synch with the school holidays in the other household.

confusedscared2018 · 01/07/2018 12:46

Don't be so rude. There's lots of different advice in these situations and OP has the right to know all options so he can make an informed decision.

MrsBertBibby · 01/07/2018 12:49

Exactly. There's good advice, and poor advice. I'm not stopping you dishing out poor advice. I'm just pointing out that it's a sure fire way for OP to put himself in the wrong, whereas right now, he's in good odour and the mum is in the wrong.

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/07/2018 12:52

Is there any chance op your ddcan live with you full time? Would the mum go for it you think?

SandyY2K · 01/07/2018 13:44

being the one good parent in the child's life doesn't default to exercising their rights.

Until you hear those children years later on Jeremy Kyle asking why their dad didn't exercise his rights.

pissedonatrain · 01/07/2018 13:50

ffs people move all the time for work. You have heard of airplanes.

SandyY2K · 01/07/2018 13:51

Remember to keep records of everything in relation to this. That includes contact with your Ex as well.

You never know what the outcome will be, but you'll have evidence of it to show your DD in the future (when she's older), if your Ex tries to say you were a crap dad or that you were happy with the move.

When dealing with people like her, you need to think a few steps ahead.

SandyY2K · 01/07/2018 13:53

ffs people move all the time for work. You have heard of airplanes

Totally missing the point.

Singlenotsingle · 01/07/2018 13:57

Good luck for tomorrow Papa

Vampyress · 01/07/2018 13:59

Dear OP,

I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I was especially aghast when you mentioned how your daughter was told people would be cross with her if she told anyone. What a horrible and cruel burden to inflict upon a young child and it's no wonder she is struggling so much now it's all in the open. Is she going to be punished when she goes back to her mother for telling you?

It breaks my heart when I hear stories like this, you are being a wonderful parent and I just wish more people could put their children before themselves. Moving such a massive distance and not discussing it then blackmailing the child into hiding it, and then refusing completely to discuss it once the truth is out is so far from acceptable and I hope you get the advice and support you need to protect your daughters interests. I am so glad she has one parent who will.

Thinking of you both and hoping the system doesn't let you down.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 01/07/2018 14:11

Thinking of you, PapaMeerkat. You remind me of my own DH, who loved my DSD so much and fought so patiently and nobly for her. He's dead now but his legacy lives on in our family loves and loyalties. I'm a DSGM now.

swingofthings · 01/07/2018 14:49

I think the best move would be to tell your ex that you want the two of you to go to mediation and that if she refuses, you will apply to the court.

Mediation would consider what is best for the child. As you've said, either way, she will struggle. What is important is for both of you to get unbiased views of what is likely to be least disruptive and most importantly, what arrangements can be put in place so that wherever she is, she can remain in regular contact with both parents.

Doyoumind · 01/07/2018 15:02

I don't agree you should go to mediation. You would be giving her too much time to play with. She has been scheming behind your back. You're not going to negotiate her out of this. Go straight for PSO.

Anyway, I'm sure your solicitor can advise accordingly.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/07/2018 15:14

I don't know what exactly will be best for DD she is saying she wants to live here now and obviously I would love that but she would still miss her mum.

Usually I would be the first to say that the bond between mum and child is the primary one, and that's the most important thing. But you have here a situation where

  • dad has lots of contact so there will be huge distress at the move for child and possibly a near-comparable degree of damage in being separated from dad as would be caused by being separated from mum;
  • the move will also mean a complete break with school, friends, everything familiar. Ok at 6 they will adjust but it weighs things even more;
  • mum's behaviour shows quite clearly that she is far less likely to act in the DD's best interests when it comes to contact with dad, than possibly dad is to mum. If they move, it seems likely that mum's ideal scenario is that dad is cut out. If they move but dad has residency, then he seems far more likely to support a strong relationship with mum.
  • there are half siblings on both sides, so again, primary relationships both ways.

In this scenario I would honestly say that dad going for residency could overall be a more positive situation for the dd. And that's without even considering that the dd is clearly upset, doesn't want to move, wants to stay with dad. (Presumably she'd be just as upset at the idea of mum moving without her, so swings and roundabouts).

Ultimately the awful thing is the way the mum has behaved in this. Her actions towards her dd's much loved other parent are nothing short of abusive towards her own dd. She's been utterly underhand in this and is not acting in her own child's best interests - telling her not to tell her own dad about the move!

I'd be happier to see this child living with dad and SM.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/07/2018 15:15

And yes, agree no mediation. Prohibited steps order straight away and I would go straight for residency, stating all above and providing as much detail of the amount of actual time you have contact.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/07/2018 15:16

And just to say again that a likely outcome might be that mum backs down and maybe agrees to a far closer move. It's not necessarily all or nothing - but you need to act fast and hard to let her know that she isn't able to act like this.

DaffoDeffo · 01/07/2018 15:24

so sorry you are in this situation

I actually wanted to move overseas for my work with my dcs when I got divorced but didn't do it as I felt it would be unfair on exh

recently ds (who is far older now) asked me why we didn't go and I told him it was because they would never have had a relationship with their dad and it wouldn't have been fair on either them or him - I didn't tell them this at the time of the potential move - they were too young to understand.

it's an incredibly selfish move of her to be making and I really hope your solicitor can sort it out

Ginger1982 · 01/07/2018 15:27

If you have a court order for contact then she can't do this without going back to court to have the order varied. You need to get back into court ASAP so hope your solicitor can do that for you. Your ex will be breaching the order otherwise. She is totally in the wrong here. If the court does allow her to move then she will need to be responsible for a good portion of the travel to let you see DD.

tribpot · 01/07/2018 15:33

The other siblings are step-sisters, I think, meaning there is another parent (their mother?) as well? Is she to lose access to her children as well or is she not in the picture?

FizzyGreenWater · 01/07/2018 15:36

From the way it is written I wonder whether OP means half-sisters - ie the mum's other children from her second marriage? But yes if not, then another layer of complication.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/07/2018 17:02

It might be useful to check if her house is for sale or to let, if so you can usually see how long it been available for.

confusedscared2018 · 01/07/2018 17:06

Bert it's not so much advice it's an actual FACT. You can't change facts. He has PR. Some people don't actually know what that means.

Gemini69 · 01/07/2018 17:27

good luck for tomorrow Flowers

Westiegirl3 · 01/07/2018 17:55

As others have said, you sound like a fantastic Father and have your Daughters best interests at heart. I hope for both of you you get this sorted this coming week

MrsBertBibby · 01/07/2018 19:54

It's an actual FACT that if you have a Ferrari you can drive it around the M25 at 200mph.

Anyone offering sane advice would suggest sticking to the national speed limit, or the ownership may prove short lived.

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