How do we come back from this argument?

[Sunrise888]

DH and I have had bad colds all weekend so neither of us are feeling great. DH was getting a headache so I told him to go to bed and I would settle down DS who is 1yo.

Before he did, I started to talk about a photographer who is visiting our baby class and whether we should bother getting photos. DH initially said he trusted me to use my own judgement, but when I persisted for his opinion, he snapped that photographers were overpriced and insulted the expensive wedding photographer we used and the pictures we got out of it. (The photographer had been my choice and I had talked DH into it, paying the excess of what we'd planned to pay out of my own pocket. We've said since that we should have got someone else, but the photos are mostly fine/lovely.) I felt really hurt that he was throwing this in my face and retorted that we'd paid far more for all the friends he'd invited and I was pressured to invite when I'd only wanted a very small family wedding. (Again we've talked about this before. DH had a great day, but when I told him much later I hadn't enjoyed it as much because of all the people, he felt terrible that he had pressured me into a wedding I didn't enjoy.)

Anyway, he saw how upset I was so he took DS off me and said he'd put him to bed, so I went to bed on my own. Later he needed help setting DS which I did. He apologised and asked we don't argue in front of DS, but I was still too upset to say anything.

We've not been getting on so well - the stress of the wedding and having a baby have not brought out the best in us. DH was really, really great in the face of it all, looked after me and excused a lot because I'd had a baby. But in the last few months his patience had worn thin a bit, and he's started to snipe back, which he recognised and is trying to contain. Since we've had the baby, I've been less kind to him. He half jokes about me being mean to him and I do apologise, but recently he's started to snipe back. I feel like because I've been so difficult this last year, I've turned my lovely DH into someone a little less lovely. 😪

I do feel bad about last night in that he was probably just feeling ill and I was talking to him when he just wanted to go to bed. And this is the first time I have said anything to purposefully hurt DH - I didn't just blurt it out, I thought about what I was going to say, and said it knowing it would hurt him. I hate myself but I'm still angry.

I need talking down. We are supposed to make some big decisions with houses and moving today and I am feeling petty wanting to postpone the decisions because I'm so mad. I think sometimes we should get counseling, but I also think I haven't slept a full night in a year and this is just how things are with a baby,, and it will get better.

I'd love some advice please. I hate apologising without talking things through - I don't feel very genuine about my apology otherwise. But I don't think the wedding photographer/wedding pressure talk is one I want to have again as we can't change the past.

Can you see though that he isn't 'helping' you? That the house, the baby, the cooking are all his responsibility as much as yours?

You seem to think that you should be very grateful to your DH for essentially doing very basic stuff. Why is that?

@Loopytiles

Thanks, I'll read up about selfcare.

Working long hours is DH’s choice and has payoffs. Do you have as much leisure time?

He's in a hard field. I'll not going to get into his job, but it's not paying off and he's not happy. We are looking for a change.

You’re returning to work in a field that isn’t known to be good for women. How you and DH split parenting and domestic responsibilities will have a huge impact on your paid work and wellbeing - good time to take stock and make a fair “deal” about the next phase.

I'm lucky to have a very supportive employer with a lot of young families who understand I want to put DS first. I'm going back part time, but yes we'll reassess the division of responsibilities when it's time.

Seriously, you’re doing no one - including DS as he grows up and learns from you both as role models - by tolerating “special snowflake” behaviour from DH when he’s ill.

Ok, I'll have a think about this. Maybe I've read too many other OPs who are new mums and have useless DHs, because I thought mine seemed great by comparison.

The reality is though that DH gets sick more often and suffers worse than I do. When we have the same cold, his symptoms start earlier, last longer and he has symptoms that I don't have (like the headache in my OP), so of course I want to look after him.

Of course you want to look after him, but if you have no resources then you just can't. You get no time to yourself, you're up multiple times a night and you have a lovely but demanding baby to look after. Your DH will just have to manage on his own - after all, you're not going to come home from work to supply him lemsip once you go back are you?

Your point of comparison shouldn't be useless other men, it should be yourself - you should be working as a team, splitting the load as best you can. You don't have to be grateful just because your DH isn't a lazy useless lump, in fact I think he should be bloody grateful he gets to go out three times a week and have a full night's sleep every night!

It’s just minor illness, which can be dealt with through self care and medication. DH gets a full night’s sleep.

I feel like I'm doing a bad job of getting my point across 🙁. I'm just trying to say that I only really have to worry about looking after DS most of the time. If I don't have an opportunity to do anything else, DH sorts it out asked or unasked. He said a few months ago he was struggling to juggle everything and I've tried to step and do more since and it's been fine. He does more for me if I've had a particularly bad night, and if he's stressed out or feeling unwell, he can do the easier job of watching DS while I make dinner or whatever. It just went to hell over the weekend but we seem to be fine now, I'm feeling happy and he's quite chipper.

I agree with spaghetti and loopy.

“Yes it can be annoying that he has football 2-3 evenings a week but he asked me if I was ok with it first, and I can see that he can cope better and is happier when he is exercising regularly. If he's looking after himself he can look after the two of us too, and if anything I should be trying to follow his example. And he does suggest we exercise together and that I have evenings to do what I want, so I'm trying to get there.”

This is ridiculous OP. You clearly need exercise as much as he does. This is exactly what I said in a previous post. You are falling inro the trap of prioritising everyone else’s needs over your own. Don’t just “try to get there”, do it.

EXercising together doesn’t seem possible, unless you have family help with childcare at weekends.

Exercising in the evening when sleep deprived is very hard IME, I always preferred to use the creche at my local leisure centre, or go along in the day at weekends leaving DC with DH.

A hobby 2-3 evenings a week on top of a full on job seems unreasonable, but if you’re OK with it fair enough.

She’s “ok” with it but gets angry with him about minor things...

This is what happens when you martyr yourself and put everyone else’s needs before your own.

@Loopytiles

We have a jogging stroller 😀 We've been on a few runs together and will do some parkruns too.

I'll take what you have all said under consideration. Yes you are right, I should look after myself more, and I do have my own interests so I will make more of an effort. Honestly, I don't want DH to come across as someone who doesn't pull his weight - he makes every effort to make life easy for me and he pushes me to get some time for myself but I haven't taken him up on it until recently.

As to DH's man-flus etc, I'll address it if I am not happy. As I said, when he's unwell, he keeps an eye on DS while I get on with other things - I think that is fair.