DH and I have had bad colds all weekend so neither of us are feeling great. DH was getting a headache so I told him to go to bed and I would settle down DS who is 1yo.
Before he did, I started to talk about a photographer who is visiting our baby class and whether we should bother getting photos. DH initially said he trusted me to use my own judgement, but when I persisted for his opinion, he snapped that photographers were overpriced and insulted the expensive wedding photographer we used and the pictures we got out of it. (The photographer had been my choice and I had talked DH into it, paying the excess of what we'd planned to pay out of my own pocket. We've said since that we should have got someone else, but the photos are mostly fine/lovely.) I felt really hurt that he was throwing this in my face and retorted that we'd paid far more for all the friends he'd invited and I was pressured to invite when I'd only wanted a very small family wedding. (Again we've talked about this before. DH had a great day, but when I told him much later I hadn't enjoyed it as much because of all the people, he felt terrible that he had pressured me into a wedding I didn't enjoy.)
Anyway, he saw how upset I was so he took DS off me and said he'd put him to bed, so I went to bed on my own. Later he needed help setting DS which I did. He apologised and asked we don't argue in front of DS, but I was still too upset to say anything.
We've not been getting on so well - the stress of the wedding and having a baby have not brought out the best in us. DH was really, really great in the face of it all, looked after me and excused a lot because I'd had a baby. But in the last few months his patience had worn thin a bit, and he's started to snipe back, which he recognised and is trying to contain. Since we've had the baby, I've been less kind to him. He half jokes about me being mean to him and I do apologise, but recently he's started to snipe back. I feel like because I've been so difficult this last year, I've turned my lovely DH into someone a little less lovely. 😪
I do feel bad about last night in that he was probably just feeling ill and I was talking to him when he just wanted to go to bed. And this is the first time I have said anything to purposefully hurt DH - I didn't just blurt it out, I thought about what I was going to say, and said it knowing it would hurt him. I hate myself but I'm still angry.
I need talking down. We are supposed to make some big decisions with houses and moving today and I am feeling petty wanting to postpone the decisions because I'm so mad. I think sometimes we should get counseling, but I also think I haven't slept a full night in a year and this is just how things are with a baby,, and it will get better.
I'd love some advice please. I hate apologising without talking things through - I don't feel very genuine about my apology otherwise. But I don't think the wedding photographer/wedding pressure talk is one I want to have again as we can't change the past.